Post by indigo74 on May 12, 2022 1:45:26 GMT
Hi everyone! New here, but not new to attachment theory. I (AP)recently broke up with my FA ex after a seven month situationship. I broke it off at the four-month point, we reconciled after three weeks of no contact, then I broke it off again a month ago for the same reason, typical FA shenanigans of hot and cold, no emotional support, limited physical embassy, keeping me at arms length. We ran into each other a couple of nights ago after a month of no contact. We are in the same big circle of friends and visit the same bars on a typical schedule, so it’s easy to know where he’s going to be so I can avoid him. This post breakup/NC conversation was identical to the first one, and I was able to predict it because now I was aware of AT, which I wasn’t before.
Holy crap, the boy was super activated, super extra. Very animated, talkative, asking questions, body language leaning into me. Paid me more attention in those two hours that he had in the previous two months, probably. A little bit of body contact, very close-in talking because it was loud due to the band playing. However, this time I gave up nothing personal. I kept my end very cool, very superficial. He started in with reminiscing, joking that if we ever get married we should do it at the bar since that’s where we always reconcile [eye roll, we haven’t been out on a date in months], saying he’s so glad we’ve come back in a circle, then how good it was to see me with those sparkly googly eyes that screams I adore you.
So to provide some context, the last time we reconciled at this bar and went through this dance, we ended up making out heavily and intensely in my van until 7:30 in the morning. He stopped sleeping with me a long time ago because it was too much emotionally for him, but hours of making out and feeling up in my van about once a week seemed to be OK with his unspoken rules. Around 12:30 AM, I started wondering how the end of the night was going to go because I knew if he offered to walk me to my van, we would both be severely tempted to get physical – something I could not afford to do. Well, I didn’t have to worry about it.
We were really having an amazing conversation, just laughing and joking and feeling so happy and comfortable when he’s activated. He casually got up around 12:45 AM without saying anything and went inside, I’m assuming to use the bathroom because he had already done that a couple of times earlier. It was my turn to go up to sing with a band, and he never misses me singing because he loves it. I started to sing and I just kept looking around farm and didn’t see him anywhere. When I finished at 1 AM, he was nowhere to be found. People started asking me where he went and I didn’t know. Then I finally realized that the (52 y.o.) boy just picked up and left, a good old Irish exit.
For more context, he is an absolute creature of habit. We meet up twice a week at the same places with the same friends and it’s like clockwork. At the end of the night at closing time, he goes around and says goodbye to absolutely everybody and I’m always waiting for at least half an hour for him to do this. Always, every single time, without fail. He has never ever ever left any place where the two of us are together or where we are with our friends without saying goodbye to anyone. He never leaves early, even if he has to get up early for work the next day. Especially given the context for our conversation and the things that he said, especially that bizarre joke about getting married – it would’ve been particularly crazy for him to leave without at least saying goodbye to me.
So I’m left with three reasons. First, at that exact moment when he went to go to the bathroom, he got some weird family emergency at 12:45 AM and had to drop everything he was doing and run home or to the hospital. Second, at that exact moment he had some crazy bout of explosive diarrhea and had to run home. Third, he started feeling some feelings during our conversation and deactivated HARD and panicked. I should note that about a week after I started no contact, he showed up at this bar thinking I would be there to avoid him at another bar. He left after about an hour and headed to the other bar where he normally would have been, and we missed each other by about 10 minutes. He didn’t know I was somewhere else first, and he doesn’t know that I found out he was there.
Anyway, I’ve gone back into no contact. I blocked him on all social media when I broke it off a month ago and have maintained that. I have not texted him to ask him what happened, and I don’t plan to. I guess I’m just looking for input about this crazy disappearing act. Am I right to think that he panicked and shut down? Am I doing the right thing by ignoring it and maintaining no contact? We can’t get back together because he won’t change, and he still doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He says he wants me in his life, over and over, but in reality he just wants me in his orbit where it’s comfortable.
Holy crap, the boy was super activated, super extra. Very animated, talkative, asking questions, body language leaning into me. Paid me more attention in those two hours that he had in the previous two months, probably. A little bit of body contact, very close-in talking because it was loud due to the band playing. However, this time I gave up nothing personal. I kept my end very cool, very superficial. He started in with reminiscing, joking that if we ever get married we should do it at the bar since that’s where we always reconcile [eye roll, we haven’t been out on a date in months], saying he’s so glad we’ve come back in a circle, then how good it was to see me with those sparkly googly eyes that screams I adore you.
So to provide some context, the last time we reconciled at this bar and went through this dance, we ended up making out heavily and intensely in my van until 7:30 in the morning. He stopped sleeping with me a long time ago because it was too much emotionally for him, but hours of making out and feeling up in my van about once a week seemed to be OK with his unspoken rules. Around 12:30 AM, I started wondering how the end of the night was going to go because I knew if he offered to walk me to my van, we would both be severely tempted to get physical – something I could not afford to do. Well, I didn’t have to worry about it.
We were really having an amazing conversation, just laughing and joking and feeling so happy and comfortable when he’s activated. He casually got up around 12:45 AM without saying anything and went inside, I’m assuming to use the bathroom because he had already done that a couple of times earlier. It was my turn to go up to sing with a band, and he never misses me singing because he loves it. I started to sing and I just kept looking around farm and didn’t see him anywhere. When I finished at 1 AM, he was nowhere to be found. People started asking me where he went and I didn’t know. Then I finally realized that the (52 y.o.) boy just picked up and left, a good old Irish exit.
For more context, he is an absolute creature of habit. We meet up twice a week at the same places with the same friends and it’s like clockwork. At the end of the night at closing time, he goes around and says goodbye to absolutely everybody and I’m always waiting for at least half an hour for him to do this. Always, every single time, without fail. He has never ever ever left any place where the two of us are together or where we are with our friends without saying goodbye to anyone. He never leaves early, even if he has to get up early for work the next day. Especially given the context for our conversation and the things that he said, especially that bizarre joke about getting married – it would’ve been particularly crazy for him to leave without at least saying goodbye to me.
So I’m left with three reasons. First, at that exact moment when he went to go to the bathroom, he got some weird family emergency at 12:45 AM and had to drop everything he was doing and run home or to the hospital. Second, at that exact moment he had some crazy bout of explosive diarrhea and had to run home. Third, he started feeling some feelings during our conversation and deactivated HARD and panicked. I should note that about a week after I started no contact, he showed up at this bar thinking I would be there to avoid him at another bar. He left after about an hour and headed to the other bar where he normally would have been, and we missed each other by about 10 minutes. He didn’t know I was somewhere else first, and he doesn’t know that I found out he was there.
Anyway, I’ve gone back into no contact. I blocked him on all social media when I broke it off a month ago and have maintained that. I have not texted him to ask him what happened, and I don’t plan to. I guess I’m just looking for input about this crazy disappearing act. Am I right to think that he panicked and shut down? Am I doing the right thing by ignoring it and maintaining no contact? We can’t get back together because he won’t change, and he still doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He says he wants me in his life, over and over, but in reality he just wants me in his orbit where it’s comfortable.
