ale
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Post by ale on May 16, 2022 10:18:42 GMT
Hi, I live in Italy, but my English should be good enough. My ex has been an acquaintance for years. We are 40. He is a former sport national champion and very charmant with women, we have known each other thanks to the love for animals, specifically dogs, but I'm also a long time vegan (this is important data for the crisis I'm about to describe).
When we started dating I was very surprised to learn - that is because of his top level sport past - that he uses durgs (marjuhana and (now) occasionaly cocaine and always has), and lives a very disorganized life, eating badly, playing videogames at night, and lacking sleep etc. He told me his mum is yet to this day an alcoholic and his dad died of overdose. He went through some hard unspecified s&=t with his parents at 13 and moved out at 17.
In the relationship he gave very little: I knew he was present but I could not relay on him for emotional support. He tried but failed, and said he is simply uncapable which is why he is single (said while dating me exclusively!). He asked for a lot of favours especially in regards to his 2 cats and 2 dogs that he loves deeply and defends passionately (his only real family?). We had a problem with his latest adopted dog, a ten year old dog that spent all his life at the pond, and he said he will never forget me having supported him greatly during this turmoil. Shortly after I had an equal serious problem with my younger dog, and he just was not able to be there for us. At all.
We parted ways because he did not want to talk through a fight we had, saying he is anyways not relationship material and will be able to offer more support as a friend.
I accepted his friendship but asked for some time and space for the moment. He never respected the no contact completely but I was able to move on. I'm in a very good place with my selflove as of now.
Last week he asked for two favours: picking up his kennel he left at my place, and for me to order online a specific kibble for his 10 years old dog cause he is never home for the delivery man. I knew that would also mean deliver the kibble to his home cause he currently has no car. And I knew he would ask me for such favours again and again in the future and that I would eventually have to put a limit to this and a fight will ensue, but I agreed for this one time.
I asked him to reciprocate the favour (moving some heavy goods) and he was very quick to make time to come and do it. During those contacts, he kept on hinting to the break up without really adressing issues and being very mixed with his words ("if you weren't stupid we would still be dating, but you attacked me", "you were unimportant", "I don't think you were in love with me anyways" "there is women I have loved"). I told him I had accepted his decision to not work on our relationship and moved on, so it was better to leave this unpleasant talks. But then it downed on me he might not be happy with our breakup and be unable to express it. I started to look at attachment theories and I think he fits disorganized perfectly. I tested secure by the way.
The kibble arrived on tuesday but I was too busy to deliver it right away and asked if he had enough food for the dog till the day after. He said he had the last serving, and could wait till the day after. Brought up the break up again and joked around a bit. Wednesday he contacted me, borught up the break up, joked a bit asked if he had to come get the kibble or I was gonna deliver it to him. I knew we would fight if I refused to deliver it, so without second guessing it I said "I'll do it, no problems". He said he would not be home from work till after 8 pm.
At 7 pm hell break loose. He lashed out at me saying he still does not know what time I will deliver the food for his dogs and that he hates I'm playing games on his dog's skin out of vengance for the breakup.
We talked about it, I pointed out I'm always been there for his animals, I'm vegan and would not use animals for love vengance, and I thought he knew he could trust me and my word. He said he knows women and their games, and that I might have known I was gonna deliver the kibble, but he was left unsure the entire time. He proceeded to lash out and insult and being hurtful. For days.
Now, I don't want to baby anyone, and I don't date potential, but he really has a lot. I remeber falling for his rare ability to be strong and sensitive, a rare thing among Italian men. And I think he is hurt. And I read disorganized have trust issues that are very real to them, even if others struggle to see the very ground of those issues.
Hence I decided to buy him extra kibble, deliver it to him and explain I've tried to put myself in his shoes and see what triggered him and how to make up for that. Buying the kibble is the only solution I've found. Concearning his reasons I will list that it might be reasonable to doubt the motives of a once trusted person after a breakup; I might have taken for granted he knew he could trust me and hence did not comunicate clearly enough; he cares deeply about his animals and the pond did not yet give him ownership of the 10 year old dog we fought to keep, so he is still very defensive in this particular dog regards.
Will this work or help? Because never in my life I thought I would try to make ammends to someone who disrespected me and try to hurt me.
I guess my question is, am I guessing what troubles him right? If so, I'm positive I can help. But he is so charming with everybody that does not know him well, that some narc traits come to mind too.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2022 14:58:18 GMT
Unfortunately, there is no individual here or anywhere else that can presume to know what is going on in his mind. While there are certain patterns that play out in insecure dynamics, and "types" have certain thought patterns and behavior patterns, every individual is different AND in every single case such as yours where a partner is writing the post instead of the person being anazlyzed, all information is given from a subjective standpoint and therefore biased and incomplete.
What I will mention is that he seems incapable of relating in a healthy way and has said as much. That's very simple and straightforward and will not be altered by you, in spite of any good intentions you may have. Additionally, your attempts to mind-read him (especially in light of his toxic an immature behavior which speaks for itself)) and your professed ability to "help" him is typical of someone who is operating in a position of codependency and their own unhealthy insecure relationship dynamics. This of course may be quite unpleasant to consider, but most of us here have already begun to address our own blind spots and unhealthy behaviors, so it's generally a part of the conversation on the forum. If you're interested in exploring that idea, there are quite a few excellent threads we can point you to. Otherwise, I'm afraid that the question you have is unanswerable by anyone except perhaps by a psychic (if you believe in that) or the man himself. Which brings me to my final point: Any relationship, if it is to succeed, must have a foundation of open communication and emotional availability in both partners. The surest way to answer your question about his internal state and his desire to build trust with you is to ask him himself, and then to not second guess his answer.
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ale
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Post by ale on May 16, 2022 15:26:23 GMT
I second what you said. Thank you. I'll make ONE attempt to regain his trust and start to comunicate clearly with him. But I'll take him at word value and let it be if he does not want to.
Does he fit the DISORGANIZED profile or is he just a narcissist or a player (he had many many women)?
My question for all the FA persons here is also, would you appreciate someone who cared enough to show through ONE action she cares?
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2022 15:55:02 GMT
I second what you said. Thank you. I'll make ONE attempt to regain his trust and start to comunicate clearly with him. But I'll take him at word value and let it be if he does not want to. Does he fit the DISORGANIZED profile or is he just a narcissist or a player (he had many many women)? My question for all the FA persons here is also, would you appreciate someone who cared enough to show through ONE action she cares? I don't care to comment on his profile assignment other than to say he seems extraordinarily self absorbed and toxic. That is enough. I believe that your pursuit of this line of questioning points to significant profile possibilities for you yourself, which I've mentioned. Again, if you are interested in understanding why you are prepared to make another attempt with this individual after the series of incidents you've described, help is available for you. You may mistakenly believe that you now have some insight into the bows and why's of his psychology that will help you gain a more favorable outcome. This is very typical of dysfunctional relationship dynamics- meaning your dysfunction is the one to be concerned with so that you may learn more about what childhood wounds or life events have contributed to your being wiling to accept poor behavior and return to a relationship that was unhealthy and toxic in the first place. He has shown no positive changes and in fact continues exactly as he was or possibly worse. An optimistic view of potential given that reality is something concerning in you, and points toward issues of wounded self esteem, self neglect, and possibly some unresolved trauma in you. I hope that whatever insights you gain through this process lead you toward peace, healing and wellbeing, and healthier relationship prospects.  , |
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ale
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Post by ale on May 16, 2022 16:02:00 GMT
Unfortunately, there is no individual here or anywhere else that can presume to know what is going on in his mind. While there are certain patterns that play out in insecure dynamics, and "types" have certain thought patterns and behavior patterns, every individual is different AND in every single case such as yours where a partner is writing the post instead of the person being anazlyzed, all information is given from a subjective standpoint and therefore biased and incomplete. What I will mention is that he seems incapable of relating in a healthy way and has said as much. That's very simple and straightforward and will not be altered by you, in spite of any good intentions you may have. Additionally, your attempts to mind-read him (especially in light of his toxic an immature behavior which speaks for itself)) and your professed ability to "help" him is typical of someone who is operating in a position of codependency and their own unhealthy insecure relationship dynamics. This of course may be quite unpleasant to consider, but most of us here have already begun to address our own blind spots and unhealthy behaviors, so it's generally a part of the conversation on the forum. If you're interested in exploring that idea, there are quite a few excellent threads we can point you to. Otherwise, I'm afraid that the question you have is unanswerable by anyone except perhaps by a psychic (if you believe in that) or the man himself. Which brings me to my final point: Any relationship, if it is to succeed, must have a foundation of open communication and emotional availability in both partners. The surest way to answer your question about his internal state and his desire to build trust with you is to ask him himself, and then to not second guess his answer. And I'm obviously very interested in the posts you would like to address me to. I have in fact been accused by him to have Wendy syndrome once, but far more frequently I've been accused not to tend enough to him (confusing). The Wendy syndrome comment made me realise I really wanted to work on some specific issues of mine, neighboring the mentioned syndrome. I have been doing cognitive therapy and bibliotherapy lately (I had a normal therapist before for many years) and I really think I'm in a way more secure place now, a place from which I can extend some understanding and emphaty to him and his behavior while I was once only focused on...ya, not let him play me around. 😅 This last sentence was quite hard to realize and write. But I've really been working on myself since my canceled wedding 10 years ago, and surprisingly progress came slow or not at all for many years, then I just shifted after the Wendy thing. It's a small tilt, but made a huge difference in the quality of my everyday life. Maybe I do have (or have had) Wendy syndrome, cause I would want for him to experience the same improvement in his life. |
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ale
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Post by ale on May 16, 2022 16:14:43 GMT
I second what you said. Thank you. I'll make ONE attempt to regain his trust and start to comunicate clearly with him. But I'll take him at word value and let it be if he does not want to. Does he fit the DISORGANIZED profile or is he just a narcissist or a player (he had many many women)? My question for all the FA persons here is also, would you appreciate someone who cared enough to show through ONE action she cares? I don't care to comment on his profile assignment other than to say he seems extraordinarily self absorbed and toxic. That is enough. I believe that your pursuit of this line of questioning points to significant profile possibilities for you yourself, which I've mentioned. Again, if you are interested in understanding why you are prepared to make another attempt with this individual after the series of incidents you've described, help is available for you. You may mistakenly believe that you now have some insight into the bows and why's of his psychology that will help you gain a more favorable outcome. This is very typical of dysfunctional relationship dynamics- meaning your dysfunction is the one to be concerned with so that you may learn more about what childhood wounds or life events have contributed to your being wiling to accept poor behavior and return to a relationship that was unhealthy and toxic in the first place. He has shown no positive changes and in fact continues exactly as he was or possibly worse. An optimistic view of potential given that reality is something concerning in you, and points toward issues of wounded self esteem, self neglect, and possibly some unresolved trauma in you. I hope that whatever insights you gain through this process lead you toward peace, healing and wellbeing, and healthier relationship prospects. , Can't thank you enough for your concern. I think my mum has some narcissistic traits but they are under control and her influence also is. I have, I must confess, ulterior motives to be drown back to my ex: I fall somewhere in the asexual spectrum and it's been hard all my life finding love. He is one of the two persons I ever felt genuine attraction twards. I'm ready to let him go anyways but not without trying to comunicate better with him first. |
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2022 16:32:39 GMT
May the very best things for you come to pass!
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ale
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Post by ale on May 16, 2022 16:59:48 GMT
May the very best things for you come to pass! Thank you. You seem very passionate about working on yourself too. As I stated above, cognitive therapy has been a godsend for me, bibliotherapy even more (the classical D.Burns, feeling good). The wounds of my childhood were maybe numerous but so little it was hard to identify them to work on them with classical trauma therapy; changing the way I talk to myself was surprisingly helpful. I might have too much optimism now, but I was really able to tackle optimally some problems I had at work for years, and with anxiety (my younger dog being diagnosed with a genetic problem that will make him bleed out) and such in such a way I would not have dreamt about before. And I feel finally free. I wish all the people that work hard to better themselves will succeed and live a mentally healthy happy life🙏 |
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2022 18:34:42 GMT
Unfortunately, there is no individual here or anywhere else that can presume to know what is going on in his mind. While there are certain patterns that play out in insecure dynamics, and "types" have certain thought patterns and behavior patterns, every individual is different AND in every single case such as yours where a partner is writing the post instead of the person being anazlyzed, all information is given from a subjective standpoint and therefore biased and incomplete. What I will mention is that he seems incapable of relating in a healthy way and has said as much. That's very simple and straightforward and will not be altered by you, in spite of any good intentions you may have. Additionally, your attempts to mind-read him (especially in light of his toxic an immature behavior which speaks for itself)) and your professed ability to "help" him is typical of someone who is operating in a position of codependency and their own unhealthy insecure relationship dynamics. This of course may be quite unpleasant to consider, but most of us here have already begun to address our own blind spots and unhealthy behaviors, so it's generally a part of the conversation on the forum. If you're interested in exploring that idea, there are quite a few excellent threads we can point you to. Otherwise, I'm afraid that the question you have is unanswerable by anyone except perhaps by a psychic (if you believe in that) or the man himself. Which brings me to my final point: Any relationship, if it is to succeed, must have a foundation of open communication and emotional availability in both partners. The surest way to answer your question about his internal state and his desire to build trust with you is to ask him himself, and then to not second guess his answer. And I'm obviously very interested in the posts you would like to address me to. I have in fact been accused by him to have Wendy syndrome once, but far more frequently I've been accused not to tend enough to him (confusing). The Wendy syndrome comment made me realise I really wanted to work on some specific issues of mine, neighboring the mentioned syndrome. I have been doing cognitive therapy and bibliotherapy lately (I had a normal therapist before for many years) and I really think I'm in a way more secure place now, a place from which I can extend some understanding and emphaty to him and his behavior while I was once only focused on...ya, not let him play me around. 😅 This last sentence was quite hard to realize and write. But I've really been working on myself since my canceled wedding 10 years ago, and surprisingly progress came slow or not at all for many years, then I just shifted after the Wendy thing. It's a small tilt, but made a huge difference in the quality of my everyday life. Maybe I do have (or have had) Wendy syndrome, cause I would want for him to experience the same improvement in his life. I'm sorry, I am not familiar with Wendy Syndrome, can you describe it? It's great that you are familiar with your own healing path and have taken care of yourself in therapy and your own exploration. There are a tremendous amount of helpful threads dealing with the impacts of narcissism, codependency, boundaries, shame, and other helpful topics in the General forum. One that alexandra shares is referencing over-coupling and undercoupling (stress response) and tnr9 also has great insight into dealing with narcissists. At some point I'll try to tag you in some you might find helpful, based on your history and things you've mentioned. Of course, feel free to share and ask questions as you go, and again, best to you in your process! It can be a lot to untangle but the rewards are work the effort! |
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Post by cherrycola on May 16, 2022 18:48:16 GMT
Men can have Peter Pan syndrome, Wendy is the female match for this. A women who loves and mothers the man child.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2022 18:51:10 GMT
Men can have Peter Pan syndrome, Wendy is the female match for this. A women who loves and mothers the man child. Oh interesting! And scary! 👀 Hopelessly unfulfilling at least! |
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ale
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Post by ale on May 16, 2022 20:16:50 GMT
Wendy syndrome in Italian is "little nurse syndrome", more descriptive, if you will: a little nurse is a woman (usually) who wants to save someone from his/her demons but ends up going down with the same demons. Its most common manifestation is in susbstance abuse: little nurse wants to save the addict but ends up doing drugs.
I never gave this syndrome a second thought because I'm not the type to do drugs. But I recently learned Wendy or little nurse is also someone who is ready and willing to give up her own well being in order to save the one she loves. She is unprepared (little nurse, not a full fledge nurse or doctor), does not understand the magnitude of the problem and is hence doom to fail. She also secretly wants to be loved for the help she is willing to provide at her own cost, and she does not really want the subject she tends to to get better 'cause he won't need her anymore.
It's dependent manipulation at its finest, with some drops of narcissism.
But is also normal to want to help others, especially people one has feelings for. I think the key is wanting to help not save, not at all cost and not to get love back in return.
There was an episode of doctor House, where one of the girls gave the kidney to her girlfriend who had wanted to part ways for some time. The girl donor knew the reciver wanted to breakup, the reciver did not know the donor knew. Makes me shiver.
I had some personal unclassified syndrome neighboring some Wendy's: I've gone some lengths to make sure other women and collegues don't percive me as a threat and always try to be kind and reasonable, I'd rather took metaphorical punches than throw them, I'd rather got cheated on than cheat and so on. It became a problem the times I had to ask for respect from others: I was percived as so kind I could only hope for them to be fair. The times I'd to deal with people who were not fair, I hated myself deeply for not being able to pretend respect, so I at times reverted to what I called the aggressivness of the rabbit (a rabbit can still chew your finger off, I sometimes did). Fights with girl friends had me shaking. Talking to a large crowd had me terrified (but I actually grew up acting and never had a problem before my Ph.D.)
Then after the Wendy-little nurse syndrome comment I wanted to dig this seed that did not allow me to be the best version of myself out. And it was surprisingly easy to throw that mask of self imposed insicurities away. I've settled important work issues with collegues without losing once my cools (and I was also firm but fair/kind), fought with a difficult girl friend in the best way possible, I'm booked to speak to a crowd friday and I'm not worried. I do not have anxiety anymore on loosing my dog because I will not be fast enough to take him to the vet because I finally live in the effin present. Not in the future. Not in the past. The problem for me with trauma healing was that this type of work was too tied to the past to help effectively in the present.
I'm beginning to think that even my asexuality could be a way to not be a treath to other woman. I have no idea where this need not to be a treath came from.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2022 22:57:37 GMT
Wendy syndrome in Italian is "little nurse syndrome", more descriptive, if you will: a little nurse is a woman (usually) who wants to save someone from his/her demons but ends up going down with the same demons. Its most common manifestation is in susbstance abuse: little nurse wants to save the addict but ends up doing drugs. I never gave this syndrome a second thought because I'm not the type to do drugs. But I recently learned Wendy or little nurse is also someone who is ready and willing to give up her own well being in order to save the one she loves. She is unprepared (little nurse, not a full fledge nurse or doctor), does not understand the magnitude of the problem and is hence doom to fail. She also secretly wants to be loved for the help she is willing to provide at her own cost, and she does not really want the subject she tends to to get better 'cause he won't need her anymore. It's dependent manipulation at its finest, with some drops of narcissism. But is also normal to want to help others, especially people one has feelings for. I think the key is wanting to help not save, not at all cost and not to get love back in return. There was an episode of doctor House, where one of the girls gave the kidney to her girlfriend who had wanted to part ways for some time. The girl donor knew the reciver wanted to breakup, the reciver did not know the donor knew. Makes me shiver. I had some personal unclassified syndrome neighboring some Wendy's: I've gone some lengths to make sure other women and collegues don't percive me as a threat and always try to be kind and reasonable, I'd rather took metaphorical punches than throw them, I'd rather got cheated on than cheat and so on. It became a problem the times I had to ask for respect from others: I was percived as so kind I could only hope for them to be fair. The times I'd to deal with people who were not fair, I hated myself deeply for not being able to pretend respect, so I at times reverted to what I called the aggressivness of the rabbit (a rabbit can still chew your finger off, I sometimes did). Fights with girl friends had me shaking. Talking to a large crowd had me terrified (but I actually grew up acting and never had a problem before my Ph.D.) Then after the Wendy-little nurse syndrome comment I wanted to dig this seed that did not allow me to be the best version of myself out. And it was surprisingly easy to throw that mask of self imposed insicurities away. I've settled important work issues with collegues without losing once my cools (and I was also firm but fair/kind), fought with a difficult girl friend in the best way possible, I'm booked to speak to a crowd friday and I'm not worried. I do not have anxiety anymore on loosing my dog because I will not be fast enough to take him to the vet because I finally live in the effin present. Not in the future. Not in the past. The problem for me with trauma healing was that this type of work was too tied to the past to help effectively in the present. I'm beginning to think that even my asexuality could be a way to not be a treath to other woman. I have no idea where this need not to be a treath came from. It sounds as though you've been able to do some important healing around some issues that have held you back, and have been able to make great strides in a few really important areas. Your friendships, professional life, your responsibility and love for your dear pet (which seems to have represented a tremendous fear of loss). However, our attachment wounds and our childhood patterns in response to an inadequate or harmful parent tend to carry over in our romantic relationships most of all. These relationships seem to mirror our deep family dynamics. Do you suppose that being raised by a narcissisticly inclined mother influences your need to not be seen as a threat? My mother had narcissistic traits and tended to target me to keep me in my place. She did feel threatened by me- not least by my later tendency to call it like I see it in terms of her inappropriate behaviors with me. She sought to invalidate me, and deny and minimize my real experiences if they reflected poorly on her. But through my younger, formative years, I was protective and loyal to her. Children naturally want to preserve the relationship with their parents. I'm no therapist but it seems that your desire to maintain a relationship or at least not be seen in an alienating way by other women might be connected to making yourself smaller and more pleasing to a narcissistic mother. Of course, you know your real experience of her and I am only speculating, in an effort to help shed light on that. I know that I personally have experienced a great deal of healing and freedom from my toxic family and mother in particular- but pain shows up in unexpected ways now and then as I move along in my own process. I've been wrestling a bit lately with the Inner Critical Voice of hers, another layer that I thought I was done with  I do recognize it for what it is and it's something that people with insecure attachment origins typically suffer with, due to the negative messaging they received. You mentioned that you've worked on how you talk to yourself- I have too. But there are *implied* messages we need to address also- the niggling beliefs buried inside us that show up in problematic patterns and we don't often understand precisely why. |
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Post by alexandra on May 16, 2022 23:26:12 GMT
Hi ale. I'm sorry you're going through something confusing. Your ex sounds toxic, as mentioned, whether that's FA (disorganized) or that issue comorbid with additional mental health issues. I can see that being very confusing for someone who hasn't encountered it before and the desire to understand. What I've learned over the years, is when a partner warns you like this about themselves, believe them. Warning you can that they are not boyfriend material or they have anger issues or they're inconsistent and don't follow up, whatever the warning is... it's basically awareness of a problem without desiring to take any accountability. The mentality is, since you were warned, if you still choose to stick around then that is on you. You knew to expect them to treat you poorly because they said that will, so you sticking around is giving them permission that such behavior is okay with you. I do not agree with this attitude as I believe in self-improvement and think it is mature to take an appropriate amount of accountability and responsibility. That doesn't mean taking ALL of it on in a two person dynamic, but being mindful of your part. In other words, if he was aware of his own difficulties and saying something like, "I am going to therapy and doing many exercises because I know I have problems and can treat people poorly even when they don't deserve it, and I am working on my trust issues that make me do this" and then if he slips up and acts mean he apologizes for it and changes his behavior so does not repeat his mistakes and learns and clearly is putting in the effort to change, that is someone you can attempt to work through issues with. But someone warning you, doing nothing for themselves to help themselves, and taking things out on you negatively again and again, this is toxic and someone to walk away from. He needs to respect you, even if he's not helping himself, and he doesn't. You didn't do anything to cause this behavior, this is just how he is and who he is comfortable being. Yes, it is probably from his childhood difficulties, and it has nothing to do with you. Which means you cannot fix it because you did not cause the problems. You can only enable him by being permissive that his poor treatment of you is okay, or you can teach him how to treat you by showing you do not accept inconsistent and disrespectful behavior. You do not deserve to be yelled at or belittled or taken advantage of. Someone treating you that way, no matter what the reason and even if it is sometimes instead of all the time, is no friend of yours. There is no foundation of trust for you to have a friendship or a relationship, because he's not capable right now and therefore does not deserve your trust. He may have a disorganized attachment style, but that is not an excuse to take it out on you. This is the over and under coupling information, which I think is very helpful in the context of attachment theory, and may help you understand why his behavior has nothing to do with you and why that means you can't influence it either: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-responseI know that there are some people who are biologically asexual, but from what you're writing about how you minimize yourself to avoid upsetting others, I do wonder if there's an emotional block and disconnect between you and your sexuality. And the rarity of feeling attraction is due to only being able to access that part of yourself when familiar wounds are activated. For example, your nervous system feels excited and overwhelmed by someone who expects too much of you without giving back... if your mother did the same thing, this is subconsciously awakening old feelings in you. Yes, this can feel like an anxious sexual attraction. If your mother treated you as secondary because she has very narcissistic tendencies, and you've been pushing down your own needs and desires for most of your life, it's probably manifesting in this way as a defense mechanism. (This isn't saying anything sexual about your relationship with your mother! But you may have been trained to feel like chasing love is normal, so you feel it when trying to get someone to treat you better, and you only receive "love" when someone is pushing these buttons.) So if any of that sounds plausible to you, I'd read through the under and over coupling thread, I'd read some more about the impacts of having a narcissist parent on children and the multi generational trauma it passes down, and I might even recommend you reading some more about the anxious preoccupied attachment style (even if you are largely secure, narcissist parents often impart anxiety and anxious styles on their children, which can be similar to the Wendy syndrome you're describing). I'd also look more into codependency and enabling and discuss all this further with your therapist after you read through and digest some of the ideas to decide which, if any, apply to you. Having a narcissist parent can make it very difficult to process emotions fully and to accept yourself for who you are, which then makes it easy to get "stuck" in certain ways. I think that may be happening here. I also think you should let this guy be and resume cutting contact for a while, because he's going to confuse the deeper issues for you when you need to continue focusing on yourself and not getting distracted saving someone else. Hope this helps! |
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2022 23:26:21 GMT
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I do recognize it for what it is and it's something that people with insecure attachment origins typically suffer with, due to the negative messaging they received. You mentioned that you've worked on how you talk to yourself- I have too. But there are *implied* messages we need to address also- the niggling beliefs buried inside us that show up in problematic patterns and we don't often understand precisely why. 