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Post by ctlguy260 on Jun 14, 2022 21:14:00 GMT
I have a question on my experience with my ex. We were both 46. Dated for a little over a year then I feel like it got too close for comfort. My ex admitted that she carried some fears from her divorce which I empathized with but in the end, we were not open and vulnerable. My reasons I didnt want to it to be pressure. Our relationship was the best both of ever had. We were best friends, literally laughed hard every day, and went on many adventures together. We both admitted what we had was rare and all of friends and family loved us together including her kids.
Ultimately we were in the anxious/avoidant trap and ended it. The pros outweighed the cons by a lot and I feel that the main component was the communication and our fears derived from our past experiences. After we split, she met a guy a month later, who actually dated someone I know, who she says he is a Narcissist, cheated, and lied to her. Apparently from what she said they have a great relationship and they are very open with one another every day. This burns so much because we didnt do that.
I was speaking to my therapist and she stated "l loved her too much" and she didnt feel like she could reciprocate your feelings. She did tell me many times that no man has every loved her like I have.
Can a girl feel like its too good to be true and pull away then end it? Possibly not feel like she deserves it? Move on because it new and fresh?
This is so confusing to me
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Post by cherrycola on Jun 14, 2022 22:42:30 GMT
I'm not sure how being open and vulnerable is pressure? One can simply do those things and then it makes it easier for the partner to step forward and do them as well.
You don't say if you are the anxious here, but your loving too much comment strikes me as anxious. When I feel someone being "too much" it feels ingenuine and creates a sense of obligation. You can't love someone into loving you, many times that can actually push someone away. Maybe something to explore with your therapist?
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Post by elizabeth on Jun 15, 2022 1:05:20 GMT
Can a girl feel like its too good to be true and pull away then end it? Possibly not feel like she deserves it? Move on because it new and fresh? well that is kind of what i am going through now, i have a hard time believing that a real love may actually be possible, even though i am with someone and things are going well. have you ever heard of confirmation bias? if deep down a person doesnt feel they are worthy of love, they will sometimes subconsciously seek evidence to support this within their relationships. especially when things start getting, as you say, too close for comfort. the fear can make them want to find a reason to end it rather than take the risk of getting hurt, or even facing their fears. but of course, every person is different, and i cannot say this is what happened with your relationship. what next for you, then? it sounds as though she has moved on. do you talk with her often? do you hope for reconciliation? |
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Post by ctlguy260 on Jun 15, 2022 2:28:06 GMT
Can a girl feel like its too good to be true and pull away then end it? Possibly not feel like she deserves it? Move on because it new and fresh? well that is kind of what i am going through now, i have a hard time believing that a real love may actually be possible, even though i am with someone and things are going well. have you ever heard of confirmation bias? if deep down a person doesnt feel they are worthy of love, they will sometimes subconsciously seek evidence to support this within their relationships. especially when things start getting, as you say, too close for comfort. the fear can make them want to find a reason to end it rather than take the risk of getting hurt, or even facing their fears. but of course, every person is different, and i cannot say this is what happened with your relationship. what next for you, then? it sounds as though she has moved on. do you talk with her often? do you hope for reconciliation? Your post makes a LOT of sense and along the lines of my therapist mentioned. Her sister was married to a Narc and dealt with similar experiences in relationships so she has good insight. In the end it did seems like she looked for easy outs as to why it didnt work but seemed like she was back and forth on how she felt. Like the fight or flight was one feeling and when we stepped back it was another. The communication was choppy and she seemed confused at times |
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Post by ctlguy260 on Jun 15, 2022 2:32:54 GMT
I'm not sure how being open and vulnerable is pressure? One can simply do those things and then it makes it easier for the partner to step forward and do them as well. You don't say if you are the anxious here, but your loving too much comment strikes me as anxious. When I feel someone being "too much" it feels ingenuine and creates a sense of obligation. You can't love someone into loving you, many times that can actually push someone away. Maybe something to explore with your therapist? For the first 8 months of the relationship I had a very secure attachment style. More than I ever had with anyone. I think the being open involved intimate conversations which she would start to close off sometimes. it was the wrong mindset but I wanted to be patient and let her open up to me in time. She knew it was genuine but did sat she felt like she couldn't reciprocate the love I had for her although I know she adored and loved me. I know when she pulled away and we did the push and pull thing, me being open was getting a lot out that i was holding in which when I came to the conclusion that she was a FA or DA. There were times I felt like she was frozen. I take ownership or my actions and yes I am exploring them with my therapist. |
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Post by elizabeth on Jun 15, 2022 3:28:02 GMT
great that you are in therapy. i am too! it can help. i noticed every time you start talking about your own feelings, you suddenly divert to talking about her feelings, or at least your perception of her feelings. it`s just interesting, and i wonder why!
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Post by alexandra on Jun 15, 2022 3:56:06 GMT
Can a girl feel like its too good to be true and pull away then end it? Possibly not feel like she deserves it? Move on because it new and fresh? This is so confusing to me This isn't a woman thing, it is a person thing. Yes, avoidants can do this. FAs are also the most likely to end up in toxic or abusive relationships, because their childhood trauma primed them to feel comfortable in those dynamics. It likely mirrors how a primary caregiver treated her at some point and feels like how she receives love and forced herself to stay connected to someone unhealthy and unstable. You've been grappling with trying to understand FAs for some time. Has your therapist given you any exercises that you've found helpful to pull the focus back to yourself and your needs? |
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Post by ctlguy260 on Jun 24, 2022 0:43:00 GMT
Can a girl feel like its too good to be true and pull away then end it? Possibly not feel like she deserves it? Move on because it new and fresh? This is so confusing to me This isn't a woman thing, it is a person thing. Yes, avoidants can do this. FAs are also the most likely to end up in toxic or abusive relationships, because their childhood trauma primed them to feel comfortable in those dynamics. It likely mirrors how a primary caregiver treated her at some point and feels like how she receives love and forced herself to stay connected to someone unhealthy and unstable. You've been grappling with trying to understand FAs for some time. Has your therapist given you any exercises that you've found helpful to pull the focus back to yourself and your needs? I have been doing a little EMDR and exploring the inner child/inner parent conflict. The best thing I am discovering on how I cross boundaries as a helper and realizing the concept of "holding space" instead of invading it although its with good intentions I have been unhealthy doing so. Its tough to "retool" what healthy and un-healthy love is. The reason I suppose I am trying to understand it all is my ex and I split 6 months ago. She is an FA and I am an AP. I am doing a lot of deep diving to correct it. We started emailing a few times and it sounds like she has learned some things. Who knows if it will develop into friends or even more but I suppose if we do I would not entertain it if it doesnt seem like she understands what caused our(her)fears and the reasons for the split. |
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