Post by luciana83 on Jun 17, 2022 9:00:54 GMT
I’m AP and my ex is FA. (We are both in our 30s)
We have been on again, off again for 4 years (mainly because he runs away from the relationship, then eventually comes back). I realise our attachment styles played a major role in our relationship, which has helped me forgive his behaviour, and understand mine.
We broke up again last year, and he blocked me on all fronts for 11 months. I pretty much gave up on him, and assumed he moved on.
A friend of mine decided to contact him, which actually peaked his interest and he unblocked me and we started talking again. Apparently, he was not intimate with anyone else.
This time around he hasn’t exactly “come back” to me. He told me that we can’t be together again because it doesn’t work, but he was willing to see me casually. This really, really hurt my feelings, but he wouldn’t budge. My tears did not change his mind. I reluctantly agreed to enter into a casual relationship, because truth is I just wanted to be with him again, even if it meant doing something I wasn’t comfortable with.
It’s now been 4 months of seeing eachother casually, and now I’m really starting to feel bad about myself, and it is triggering my anxiety again.
I have been trying very hard to work on myself and my neediness, but I’m realising my ex isn’t really doing any internal work to “heal”, therefore it feels like I’m wasting my time with someone who’s taking advantage of me.
He sends mixed signals about how he feels, as he tells me he can’t be with me, yet likes to cuddle me while watching tv/movies, is very interested in you-know-what with me, takes me out to dinner every time we see each-other, and even recently hung up a painting I made for him when we first started dating 4 years ago..(I thought he threw it away). He also recently changed his profile picture on social media to one from a few years ago, where we went on a fishing trip together.
I feel like he is trying to communicate to me that he still loves me, yet for some reason he can’t admit it verbally.
Either way, it’s confusing and frustrating for me. Part of me has my foot through the door, because I don’t want to degrade myself, even though I love him.
He has a tendency to ignore me for days after we spend time together. Recently, an old co-worker of mine surprised me by inviting me out on a date. I agreed, because he’s attractive and my ex has made it clear we are “just friends”…
Last night, I caught up with my ex and decided to let him know I am not comfortable being a “friend with benefits”… I also decided to tell him that I went on a date, and there’s potential I may go on another one.
My ex seemed to go into “freeze” mode, and sat there with a blank expression. He then said, “you know I can’t be with you because I’m messed up”. He then asked me if I slept with my date (I didn’t), and if I like him (I do). I was honest, and expressed that I don’t want 2 men in my life, so if I go on another date, then I cannot keep seeing/sleeping with him (my ex). He went blank again, said he was confused, then told me I should continue dating this guy. I didn’t react. I didn’t get upset. I just said, “Ok, but I hope you’re being honest with yourself about this”. The conversation ended, and I assumed that “it” was over between us..that after that day, we wouldn’t see each other again.
He was quiet for a while, but then took my hand as we sat there watching tv. He caressed it lovingly for an entire hour, without saying a word. He would turn and look at me, sometimes lustfully, but also with a sad puppy face. He then begged me to stay the night with him at his place, and seemed sad when I expressed I couldn’t (I told him a month ago that it triggers me to spend the night when we aren’t officially back together).
As I was leaving, he asked me when he could see me again, and planned out a romantic day trip to an area we went to together a few years ago).
I don’t know what is going on. He did not tell me he is ready to be with me, or that he wants to be with me. I don’t know if he just can’t communicate that, or if he’s manipulating me because he wants to keep me around, and doesn’t want me moving on).
Can anyone give me insight? Should I be patient or should I walk away?
