Triggers & running away

Hi liyah

"When we get triggered and run from a relationship, is this always a sign that someone is wrong for you?" -- in my opinion, no.  i think it is because of what you said in your third sentence, that when you actually feel something for someone, it can translate to risk of getting hurt in your subconscious, and that can trigger self-protective behaviour, i.e. running.

"How do you recognise when it's your own fears and issues versus the person themselves?" -- this is a great question.  i am trying to find the answer too.  i think the best way to deal with this is to open up to your partner and tell them your fears and thoughts, rather than trying to hide your fears.  it is the quickest way i have found to deal with more factual information rather than letting my mind invent stories.  it took me a while to open up to my partner and tell him, because i thought he would be put off by my insecurity.  thankfully, he wasnt, but if he had been, that would also be a good indicator that he might not be a good partner for me, so what do you have to lose by opening up and telling them what you think and feel?  it feels really weird at first.  

"I’ve read a lot that the ones who are actually wrong for us will tend to make us stay because we’re used to that type of behaviour." -- this is a real interesting point.  i know exactly what you are saying, and there is no blanket generic answer to this, but if you are aware of this as a possibility, that it is a good start.  just remember that no one can "make you stay".  some people are not even aware of this dynamic, so you are already ahead on this point.  you can always keep checking in with yourself as a relationship progresses, and if you are experiencing negative behaviour and unhappiness, and if you are talking things through with your partner and get no relief, you can ask yourself whether you are staying because you are familiar with the unhealthy dynamic.

"My greatest worry is that inevitably I will always end up running from potentially decent partners and ‘staying’ with people who I’m comfortable with either because I can keep them at arms length (or vice versa) and maybe because I know I’ll never fall in love with them.  Wondering if anyone has chosen to intentionally stay with someone easy because it’s not triggering their wounds or maybe because of the fear of being alone? Or can this absence of triggering lead you to mistake it for a healthy relationship?" -- I did this.  I married someone I completely was not at all in love with, because I had been so hurt before that I told myself I had misunderstood what love and attraction was.  I married a very nice man who was completely safe, because I knew I would never have feelings for him and so there were never any unpleasant feelings to deal with.  I thought, I can grow to love him.  I told myself this is what love is, the absence of triggers.  But, I was just running away from my true feelings.  I regret it so much for the very reason that I hurt him a lot.  I wish I knew then what I know now.  That whole marriage only made sense to me in retrospect, and I could see what I had done and why.  In the end, I still craved a real love no matter how i tried to suppress this, and tried to convince myself that I 'loved' him, the gravity of my choice began to weigh heavily on me.  Our marriage lasted just over a year, and I really hurt him by leaving because I was miserable and so was he. So yeah, people do that, and maybe it can work for some people, but it did not work for me.

I think you are asking all the right questions, if that helps!