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Post by tnr9 on Jul 12, 2022 15:20:37 GMT
I think you need to look at your expectations in the early stage of getting to know someone. I don’t see mixed signals…I see a girl who was excited at the possibility of you…just as you were excited about the possibility of her. If you wanted someone who was going to move fast…then this girl was not going to be it..and her roommate had told you that she liked you but with trust issues it takes time. I am also curious about the “case” you made. Did you ask her any questions or did you state things from your perspective? Because anyone is going to get defensive in the second scenario. Instead of analyzing her attachment issues….I would encourage you to look at what might be going on within yourself…because knowing her attachment doesn’t change anything….but knowing your own attachment issues and being able to work on those changes everything.
As to whether she will re engage with you….the ball is in her court and she may or may not. I know that isn’t the answer you want to hear. Also, her response by backing away is about her own trust issues and isn’t necessarily about “you”. It is obvious that this girl has some level of trauma and if you have your own attachment issues…it likely would not have been a good fit long term.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 12, 2022 19:14:54 GMT
It may have been to you the expectations were realistic and reasonable…but the fact is….there are 2 people in any interaction and based on how she and you responded to each other…it seems that you both were not on the same page. I still think exploring your own attachment is beneficial. One way to keep from having misaligned expectations is to have a casual check in with each other. That allows each person to speak to where they are, what their thoughts are etc.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 12, 2022 20:49:34 GMT
It may have been to you the expectations were realistic and reasonable…but the fact is….there are 2 people in any interaction and based on how she and you responded to each other…it seems that you both were not on the same page. I still think exploring your own attachment is beneficial. One way to keep from having misaligned expectations is to have a casual check in with each other. That allows each person to speak to where they are, what their thoughts are etc. I completely agree, and believe me I was aware of the misaligned expectations. I also believed that a casual check in was the best course of action, and that was why I called her. I didn’t want to confront her in person, I felt a phone call when she was in her own space would make her the most comfortable. I do want to be clear, when I say she was “cold” over the phone, she was in no way nasty or unpleasant, nor was the conversation at all contentious. More just clinical in tone, as if talking to a work colleague. It took me by surprise. We ended it on amicable terms, agreed it was best have this conversation now rather than later, and she told me she wanted to be friends and that we would “chat soon”. I assumed she simply wasn’t romantically interested, and that I was more hurt than she was, until I found out she had cancelled plans with her friend (not especially easy plans to cancel), and that our mutual friend said she needed space. For what it is worth, our friend had previously told me that it easy for her to interact and go out with people she has no interest in, she only gets awkward and nervous around people she likes. I understand it’s better to focus on myself and pursue other people, which I’m already doing. As for my own attachments, I know this whole interaction makes me seem fairly anxious, but honestly that is very atypical of me. In every other romantic interaction I’ve been accused of a lack of “showing up”, and being distant. That’s actually why our mutual friend initially believed we would make a good match, very similar distaste for people and valuing space. I generally enjoy to be alone and usually don’t do a great job of incorporating people into my life. It’s something I’ve become conscious of and I am trying to correct. It may be that you also have FA attachment, but are often in situations where your anxious side is not triggered. Most people with FA will either tend towards avoidant or anxious tendencies unless the other side is triggered. Just something to consider. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2022 0:02:08 GMT
It's important to NOT have a third person interpreting and mediating an adult relationship unless you two don't speak the same language, you need help translating actual speech, and you're taking steps to address the language barrier. Relationships and dating should take place with direct communication between the two people involved, and not a friend saying this or that. I'd suggest you not engage in that kind of dating dynamic anymore. A comment or two from a well meaning outsider to set a couple up is fine , but what's being described here is actually more of a red flag than it is helpful. I hope you can see why. And, I agree with every point tnr9 made, above. Dating is confusing and it's a great idea to take a look at your own style and approach here, it will serve you well. Good luck. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Jul 13, 2022 0:16:42 GMT
It sounds a little bit like this girl has got some trauma in her past that she hasn't yet come to terms with. Difficult to know whether she's FA or not, seeing as you didn't actually enter into a proper relationship dynamic... there's really no way of knowing. But she is currently protecting herself, and perhaps not being in a relationship is the best thing for her at this time in her life. Only she gets to decide that.
I'm a little unsure why you're thinking of trying to put out the feelers again? It sounds like she’s communicated a fairly clear boundary… if she changes her mind, could you try and trust that she’ll come to you?
As the others have mentioned, the fact this has triggered some feelings of longing and anxiety in you is perhaps pointing to some stuff you could look at, which might end up serving you really well for your future relationships. Wishing you the best!
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 13, 2022 10:41:45 GMT
Thanks all- it’s clear I won’t reach out in any capacity. It’s not for me to decide what other people do. As for my own attachments, I agree it’s worth considering and I will make note of this experience. A word of caution, to those with a hammer, everything is a nail. Through the lens of an FA, even secure behavior can look anxious or needy, and the push/pull dance can certainly induce anxiety in secure individuals. Securely attached people aren’t immovable, they exhibit situation-appropriate anxiety and avoidance behaviors as well, the difference is how they process those emotions. I am not sure who the last bit was directed towards…but just a gentle reminder that the audience here is responding to your post and the details you provided. And although I agree that an insecure person can interpret a secure person’s behaviors through an insecure lens…the difference that I have seen in my secure friends is the ability to talk about that openly. I have a secure friend who dated and married an FA and although it was challenging at times, she had regular check ins to ensure they were both still on the same page. Another thing she did was made sure that any conversation where she was expressing a concern was done in person because there is too much left to interpret over the phone….you cannot see the other person’s expressions etc and it really leads to all kinds of misunderstandings. Especially with a person who has trust issues..it is important that he or she can see your face and be able to match your expressions with your tone…and vice versa. Just some take always for the future. Also…having an insecure attachment simply means having a lens on yourself and others that was impacted by your childhood. I have seen individuals on these boards who started off insecurely attached and with time, therapy and commitment to themselves…have moved to earned secure. 🙂 |
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Post by sunrisequest on Jul 14, 2022 0:11:41 GMT
Thanks all- it’s clear I won’t reach out in any capacity. It’s not for me to decide what other people do. As for my own attachments, I agree it’s worth considering and I will make note of this experience. A word of caution, to those with a hammer, everything is a nail. Through the lens of an FA, even secure behavior can look anxious or needy, and the push/pull dance can certainly induce anxiety in secure individuals. Securely attached people aren’t immovable, they exhibit situation-appropriate anxiety and avoidance behaviors as well, the difference is how they process those emotions. There's lots of truth in this statement! Attachment theory is not some exact science where we all fit into the exact same moulds. And people with secure attachment absolutely do show situation-appropriate anxious and avoidant behaviours. There are so many moving parts into what makes up someone's attachment, their sense of worth, and how they relate to other people. And some of these moving parts happened before we have a functional memory, so we can't even have a true understanding of the full picture. Attachment isn't the only thing to influence behaviour as well. Someone who is otherwise secure may go through some kind of trauma later in life, which changes the way they interact in their interpersonal relationships. At least for a short amount of time anyway. I think as humans, we find safety and comfort in analysing other people's behaviour, labelling it, predicting it, adding meaning to it. I know I do. But I wonder how right any of us really are in knowing what's really going on for someone else. Ultimately, focusing on what other people are doing only serves to disconnect us from ourselves. Focusing on who we are, what how we feel, what we want, what our values are, trying to strip back the layers until we find the most authentic version of ourselves and finding ways to express who we are in compassionate ways, and holding boundaries against anything that serves to disconnect us from the truth of who we are and what we need... that's where security is found in my opinion. But, for me, to get to that point isn't a case of just suddenly realising I needed to do that and simply doing it... it has only been through many life experiences, things going wrong and feeling the effects of that, a desire to improve what wasn't working for me, and lots of kind people who have played a part in supporting me in a kind and loving way... only in that place of safety was I was able to truly look at myself. Growth doesn't happen in spaces where you feel judged or criticised. Everyone's journey is different - none are right or wrong. We learn different things when we're open and ready... and that's okay. |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 14, 2022 7:32:51 GMT
If she is fearful avoidant, she will never be "done" because insecure attachers get stuck and never fully emotionally process things. Especially fearful avoidants. They have a disorganized strategy of connecting and of getting needs met, they don't trust themselves or others, and they therefore have an unstable sense of self and identity. So under the right circumstances, if you ran into each other and she hasn't found someone else to feel attracted or attached to and she had actually deactivated in the first place, a new cycle of "don't get too close but don't stay too far away" could begin if you were both willing participants in that dynamic. It doesn't really matter though, as she's drawn a boundary at this point for whatever reason, even if the reasons have absolutely nothing to do with you. The boundary still needs to be respected.
If you can turn someone off with a single communication outreach, there was no foundation to build on to begin with. If at least one person can't communicate, it's impossible to build proper trust, so no strong or healthy relationship is going to follow.
The reason people don't want to diagnose her attachment style but encourage you to consider your own and turn the focus to you is you are the only thing you can control or do anything about. She is not on the forum participating and there's limited information about her. So people here can speculate and give insight based on the speculation. But if you're wondering whether you should wait around for someone unavailable or who isn't able to move at a speed that is compatible with yours, and questioning areas in which you can blame yourself (which in a way suggests if you did something wrong then maybe you can find a way to reconnect if you fix it), then there's a question around why you'd do that and worry about her interest level rather than if your needs can be met in this situation. If there's something to that and it's more than curiosity, then it's worthwhile to examine your own attachment style and perhaps divulge more about it for more helpful information. Posters can't read her mind, but can engage with you and ask you questions about yourself, so that's what tends to happen around here.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2022 14:06:46 GMT
My comment was not directed at anyone in particular. I appreciate the time taken to respond to my post and I can stomach some deserved criticism. I completely understand why nobody would want to diagnose the girl in question’s attachment style without more information, especially given the lack of an actual relationship in this particular context (though it’s amusing mine was immediately called into question, despite there being a similar lack of information) I’ll re-summarize my journey that brought me here. I met a girl, the behavior was very “hot”, she seemed very interested, spoke about me when I wasn’t around, and texted me everyday for a month. I would describe this behavior as anxious. We met again, and this “hot” behavior only continued until I began to “close the distance” and initiate a deeper connection. At such moments, she would pull away and become “cold”. I would back off and then the cycle would repeat. After I returned home, I made a phone call asking for clarity, at which point this person completely shut down (I’ll own the mistake in calling, I wasn’t accusatory, but perhaps I should’ve been more patient, and done it in person). I would describe this behavior as avoidant. So, when I did some digging, you can see why I wondered if she was a fearful-avoidant. Not being completely sure, I posed the question here. It’s in my limited understanding that fearful-avoidants “deactivate” and may regret pushing people away after being given space, but might be too ashamed or fearful to reinitiate contact. In that case, I wanted to know if I should reach out first, let her know that it is okay to talk. However, if I’ve read the situation wrong, then it is less a question of attachment styles and more compatibility and interest. If she really isn’t interested, it would be best to leave things as they are. Would a fearful-avoidant say they were no longer interested, and regret it later? Or once it’s done, is it done? That’s the question that brought me here. I understand no one can answer that either, but it feels good to ask. I still think it’s better to wait and see if anything develops, trusting the other person to either grow or not grow in their own time. You may find it amusing, that you were immediately directed toward examining your own attachment with a lack of information about you. However, there is a pretty solid reason for that. The posters engaging with you have for the most part been participating for a long time, and have fielded many inquiries identical to yours. It's almost like a template and it goes like this: I had a non relationship with a person for a short time This person withdrew It's been a matter of weeks or months since they have reached out (or been NC or "deactivated?" Can you tell me what they might be thinking or feeling? Then the convo goes pretty much like it has here, and it's ultimately acknowledged that we can't read minds. The general consensus is that a truly secure person might feel bruised and confused but would sooner move on to new, available opportunities rather than spend time looking back at a non-relationship that's disappeared. That's the conclusion after much interaction with many people in your position. All that said, best of luck! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2022 14:24:44 GMT
So essentially, a person will come and ask... Is this person avoidant or not into me? And we are here, thinking... Well, idk but you might be a bit of a clinger?
It's not a judgement it's an observation of patterns that are remarkably similar to anxious behavior. So check it out, or not. But mostly I think it's insecure people that consult the internet oracle about non-relationships.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 15, 2022 5:36:00 GMT
If you can turn someone off with a single communication outreach, there was no foundation to build on to begin with. If at least one person can't communicate, it's impossible to build proper trust, so no strong or healthy relationship is going to follow. Yes, I believe this sums it up best. I only reached out looking for answers because they initial connection felt so instant and strong, but I agree if a simple conversation is enough to trigger such a reaction, it is going nowhere. It may in fact be that the initial “pull” had very little to do with me, in the same way that the “push” had little to do with me either. Typically, a person who starts off so incredibly hot…as in seems to be really into you without really knowing anything about you is going to have some level of insecurity. |
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