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Post by dimple on Aug 2, 2022 16:22:01 GMT
Hey, I was wondering if anyone who’s FA could help me shed some light on my situation. So me (AP) with some FA tendencies and my ex partner (FA) ended our relationship approximately 7 weeks ago. Initially she blocked me on social media and WhatsApp as she said it was easier for both of us not to be in contact, which hurt but I agreed. After a few weeks she unblocked me on Instagram but didn’t message me, she then started viewing my stories, so I reached out and said hey, what’s up was this a mistake, she said that it wasn’t that she just didn’t like the idea of being blocked everywhere. We ended up talking a lot before she pulled back and after that conversation she asked for more space, which I tried to respect. Being a AP I struggled really hard and ended up talking to her again and explaining that I’ve been in therapy and I’m trying to be better at communication and want to work on myself. She mentioned that she thinks we’ll cross paths again when we’re ready and that she still has feelings for me. But that, it’s not enough to start our relationship again and that she still needs more time to understand her feelings. She admitted that it was selfish to have unblocked me on social media as it really made it hard for me to focus on myself. So I said to her look I need space from this too and that I think to give her the space she’s asking for I need to take myself out of the equation and have now blocked her on Instagram and WhatsApp, to give us both a chance to grow and heal.
I’ve heard that after no contact FA’s can start feel their feelings and after the deactivation period, they’ll start to miss their ex. Our relationship had a bit of a rocky ending, due in part to trust being broken (I didn’t tell her I was friends with an ex when she asked, she brought it up months later a few times and I eventually told her the truth. I was worried that she wouldn’t understand, because she’s not friends with her exes and I told her I had 0 feelings and that it was a casual thing, that happened 10 years ago) but ultimately it ended due to me not being supportive enough, I closed down after things got difficult and tried to move her at a pace she wasn’t comfortable with.
I still have a lot of feelings for her and I do love her a lot, I know that she’s spent the last 6/7 weeks, getting back to herself, going on holiday, going out for drinks, spending a lot of time keeping herself busy. Which is great for her and I’m glad she’s trying to enjoy things. Right now I’m trying to love her from a distance. But I know in my heart that I want to be with her again, I am working on become a secure person and learning how to be more compassionate and open with my feelings, I’ve recently opened up to family, friends and my therapist about it all and have been reading a lot of self-help, attachment and relationship books/videos/posts.
The advice I’m looking for is, does anyone have any experience with no contact? Did you start missing your ex? How long did you need to heal yourself?
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Post by anne12 on Aug 2, 2022 17:46:50 GMT
Ups!
“…. trust being broken (I didn’t tell her I was friends with an ex when she asked, she brought it up months later a few times and I eventually told her the truth. I was worried that she wouldn’t understand, because she’s not friends with her exes and I told her I had 0 feelings and that it was a casual thing, that happened 10 years ago) ….”
Lying / keeping things secret to someone with some desorganized attatchmentstyle and trust issues is not the best thing to do
I doesn’t matter if it was many years ago …you still lied. Even when she asked you, you lied.
What is her idea of having contact with exes ?
Maybe it is not so much that you are friends with an ex, but that you lied to her, or maybe both.
Fas have difficulty knowing, when it's ok to trust others - or how! They can have either "blind" trust or no trust at all.
They often have a betrayal and a trust wound
They can have difficulty seeing danger signals - because they as a child learned to overhear these
They can be hyper alert/ hyperwilligent looking out for danger signals
They may find it difficult to feel their boundaries, and therefore they can find it hard to set boundaries
They may have difficulty relying on their boundaries beiing okay
They do not like, if things are not clear. If there is confusion and clutter, it causes turmoil inside them and it can cause angry outbursts or panic reactions, flight reactions
They often need things to be clear, in order to feel safe.
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Post by dimple on Aug 2, 2022 18:20:24 GMT
Ups! “…. trust being broken (I didn’t tell her I was friends with an ex when she asked, she brought it up months later a few times and I eventually told her the truth. I was worried that she wouldn’t understand, because she’s not friends with her exes and I told her I had 0 feelings and that it was a casual thing, that happened 10 years ago) ….” Lying / keeping things secret to someone with some desorganized attatchmentstyle and trust issues is not the best thing to do I doesn’t matter if it was many years ago …you still lied. Even when she asked you, you lied. What is her idea of having contact with exes ? Maybe it is not so much that you are friends with an ex, but that you lied to her, or maybe both. Fas have difficulty knowing, when it's ok to trust others - or how! They can have either "blind" trust or no trust at all. They can have difficulty seeing danger signals - because you as a child learned to overhear these They may find it difficult to feel their boundaries, and therefore they can find it hard to set boundaries They may have difficulty relying on their boundaries beiing okay They often need things to be clear, in order to feel safe Her idea of contact with exes is that she does not think it’s a good idea, I say an “ex” but we were friends who slept together in university, then remained friends for the duration of our time at uni and have mutual friends so stayed in contact, same with another friend who I drunkenly kissed when we were teenagers. I even took steps to distance myself from them after we started dating and she told me that she did not think it was a good idea to be friends with exes. After I told her the truth, things were rocky, but we continued our relationship for another 6 months. She was open about her feelings and at a certain point I felt overwhelmed but was unable to communicate effectively and feared abandonment, so I shutdown whenever she brought up her feelings and demonstrated several protest behaviours. I became frustrated due to her wanting to talk about my past before we met so frequently, but I didn’t consider that she was only seeking reassurance from me. I think that really damaged the trust and our relationship more than the initial lies. I feel a lot of guilt for how I acted during the last two months of our relationship as I could have made her feel a lot safer if I was more open and honest. I felt guarded and unable to be vulnerable with her, which she continued to try and demonstrate to me. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I want to take responsibility for those mistakes and become a better person and partner because of it. We spoke about a lot of things together and had a lot of plans for the future. To hear her say that she still has feelings for me, gives me a glimmer of hope that I can reconcile with her and repair the damage I’ve caused. I know right now she just needs space as she’s made that clear. I’m just finding it difficult. She has gone and gotten back with exes before and told me that they started up the same behaviour and abused her emotionally. Which is something I am so opposed to and only want to try to rebuild things when I’ve made significant improvements on myself. To stop myself from closing down again. It’s difficult for me because I know she deserved the best and we were honestly so great together when I wasn’t scared of being judged and abandoned. |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 2, 2022 18:24:35 GMT
Lies jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3357/why-lieLittle white lies and respect jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45734/“Are little white lies and secrets okay in couple relationships? Little white lies are bad in relationships. If you have to tell little white lies, then you do not respect your partner. On the other hand a relationship requires security for both parties. Not being made wronged or being mistaken, if you tell your partner something, that the other can have a hard time hearing.”… An attatchment, love coach Honesty jebkinnisonforum.com/post/48487/ |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 2, 2022 19:06:51 GMT
So how did the two of you resolve it ?
Are you still friends with the girls or don’t you see them anymore ?
Did the two of you just stop talking about it ?
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Post by dimple on Aug 2, 2022 19:20:02 GMT
So how did the two of you resolve it ? Are you still friends with the girls or don’t you see them anymore ? Did the two of you just stop talking about it ? I’m not sure if it was ever fully resolved, as I know she felt more anxious after that. I took this personally and became defensive when she’d bring up other women’s appearances especially previous partners. I told her that nobody was as good as she was in my eyes, that I was tremendously attracted to her, but I think she found it hard to trust my words. They were 100% authentic though and I never wanted anyone else throughout our relationship. I ended my friendships with the other women, I messaged them both like hey, I want to focus on my relationship with my partner they’re my priority I know we’re still friends (I’d stopped talking to them before all of this, but they’d reach out and ask me how I was etc) so I wanted to make it clear that it was a boundary to still be talking, I said if I see them at events we can talk in person, but that I wouldn’t be engaging in communication outside of this. |
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Post by mrob on Aug 2, 2022 20:55:40 GMT
I think in this situation it’s simple.
The boundary is the secure, the wavering is the attachment stuff. It’s possible to be secure and temporarily pulled anxious. If you can look past the potential to the actual behaviour, and see a sick person for what they are (a victim of their own undiscovered attachment style who is acting out), and detach with compassion, you’ll have peace with your secure decision. If not, then it’s time to dig into your own attachment style.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 2, 2022 21:36:53 GMT
I'm not sure why you're taking on all the blame here, except that you're the AP/or anxious-leaning FA one, and that's what people with those attachment styles try to do to feel like they have control over the situation. (Ie, fearing that if it's not all your fault, then you can't do anything to reconnect.) While you told a couple white lies and learned that it's better to always be honest with your partner, you're only seeing part of the reason for why that is. In addition to it being necessary to build trust and be consistent and reliable to have a healthy relationship and connection, being honest creates the opportunity to see if you and your partner are actually compatible. If you are honest and provide the other person with all the information, then if there's an issue that they feel differently about, they can take that into consideration and decide if you can work it out together or it's a dealbreaker. And a relationship ending due to incompatibility isn't a failure.
I personally think it's a big red flag that she made you drop long time friends. I understand why that happened, you said she has a history of getting back with exes, enduring abuse in relationships, and she's FA: meaning she's insecure and doesn't trust others (or trust herself). But that means she never trusted that you were just friends with your female friends. You not being transparent didn't help, because sure, she'll interpret that as you'd have been honest if you had nothing to hide. That is how people with deep trust issues view things. Pull back up to the bigger picture here, though. She has issues with people being friends with anyone they ever had any intimate involvement with, and you don't. She doesn't trust any "exes" around, because it is just the tip of her trust issues.
Meaning, there were already existing relationship and individual issues stemming from insecure attachment on both sides, and subsequent incompatibilities. This isn't about everything was rosy and you made one mistake. This isn't all your fault at all, but problems with healthy relating on both sides.
If you want therapy to work and to have any chance to reset your relationship with her, a couple things need to happen, and they are not all within your control. First, you taking the steps to start therapy is awesome! It really is, that's the best first step you can take to help yourself. But, she really needs to do the same because she has issues that existed before you ever met that will make a stable relationship next to impossible. That is not about you taking all the responsibility and you making her feel safe and secure all by yourself. You cannot control or be entirely responsible for her feelings (and believing you can is codependency). She also needs to help herself and overcome and heal her prior issues, and you have zero control over her decision to do that or her timeline if she is ready to face her relationship fears. Though if she does, you also being in therapy and moving yourself forward in your own healing can only help you end up in a healthier place and as a better partner if the time ever comes.
Second, focusing on yourself and not what she's doing. This is extremely important, because the core wounding with AP is fear of abandonment, which actually comes from you abandoning yourself emotionally and not feeling you are good enough or strong enough, not being able to emotionally regulate yourself. This is universal with all AP, I'm not picking on you. You need to do some heavy lifting on your side to get good and whole with yourself, learn who you are and connect with yourself, if you want to end up stable and happy in a relationship with someone else. No contact is not to give the other person time to miss you, and it is not manipulative. It is to give yourself enough space to focus solely on you and put aside that focus on other for a while. If you do that, your perspective eventually shifts, and you can approach all this in a much healthier way. Therapy helps make this process work faster, but it is still slow and will take several months or years.
I know that probably isn't what you were hoping to hear, but attachment dynamics are complicated on both sides, and you can't shoulder fixing an entire relationship by yourself, nor should you take on more than your fair share of the "blame." It took years for insecure attachment styles to form, and you can't undo them and get secure overnight. I know all this because I once tried to do what you're doing, and fix myself to fix an AP-FA relationship. The other person did nothing to work on their FA. We reconciled and I acted totally different and was a much better partner. He acted exactly the same and the entire trajectory of our relationship repeated exactly, in spite of me being very different.
It hurts a lot when you're in the early throws of all this, and whatever you can look to for motivation to get yourself secure is a good thing. But over time, it will help you enormously to work on getting more secure for you and not for her, because doing this for someone else doesn't work. I used my devastation over the first breakup with that FA ex to introspect and decide what I wanted to be and how I wanted to change, whether I ended up with him or not, and it was the best thing I ever did. So hang in there, and as you process and digest, try to really dig into the no contact period to give yourself space and pause dwelling on her. Trust yourself that you'll come through this a stronger person than when you started no matter what happens, even if there's no clear path right now.
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Post by dimple on Aug 2, 2022 22:12:24 GMT
I'm not sure why you're taking on all the blame here, except that you're the AP/or anxious-leaning FA one, and that's what people with those attachment styles try to do to feel like they have control over the situation. (Ie, fearing that if it's not all your fault, then you can't do anything to reconnect.) While you told a couple white lies and learned that it's better to always be honest with your partner, you're only seeing part of the reason for why that is. In addition to it being necessary to build trust and be consistent and reliable to have a healthy relationship and connection, being honest creates the opportunity to see if you and your partner are actually compatible. If you are honest and provide the other person with all the information, then if there's an issue that they feel differently about, they can take that into consideration and decide if you can work it out together or it's a dealbreaker. And a relationship ending due to incompatibility isn't a failure. I personally think it's a big red flag that she made you drop long time friends. I understand why that happened, you said she has a history of getting back with exes, enduring abuse in relationships, and she's FA: meaning she's insecure and doesn't trust others (or trust herself). But that means she never trusted that you were just friends with your female friends. You not being transparent didn't help, because sure, she'll interpret that as you'd have been honest if you had nothing to hide. That is how people with deep trust issues view things. Pull back up to the bigger picture here, though. She has issues with people being friends with anyone they ever had any intimate involvement with, and you don't. She doesn't trust any "exes" around, because it is just the tip of her trust issues. Meaning, there were already existing relationship and individual issues stemming from insecure attachment on both sides, and subsequent incompatibilities. This isn't about everything was rosy and you made one mistake. This isn't all your fault at all, but problems with healthy relating on both sides. If you want therapy to work and to have any chance to reset your relationship with her, a couple things need to happen, and they are not all within your control. First, you taking the steps to start therapy is awesome! It really is, that's the best first step you can take to help yourself. But, she really needs to do the same because she has issues that existed before you ever met that will make a stable relationship next to impossible. That is not about you taking all the responsibility and you making her feel safe and secure all by yourself. You cannot control or be entirely responsible for her feelings (and believing you can is codependency). She also needs to help herself and overcome and heal her prior issues, and you have zero control over her decision to do that or her timeline if she is ready to face her relationship fears. Though if she does, you also being in therapy and moving yourself forward in your own healing can only help you end up in a healthier place and as a better partner if the time ever comes. Second, focusing on yourself and not what she's doing. This is extremely important, because the core wounding with AP is fear of abandonment, which actually comes from you abandoning yourself emotionally and not feeling you are good enough or strong enough, not being able to emotionally regulate yourself. This is universal with all AP, I'm not picking on you. You need to do some heavy lifting on your side to get good and whole with yourself, learn who you are and connect with yourself, if you want to end up stable and happy in a relationship with someone else. No contact is not to give the other person time to miss you, and it is not manipulative. It is to give yourself enough space to focus solely on you and put aside that focus on other for a while. If you do that, your perspective eventually shifts, and you can approach all this in a much healthier way. Therapy helps make this process work faster, but it is still slow and will take several months or years. I know that probably isn't what you were hoping to hear, but attachment dynamics are complicated on both sides, and you can't shoulder fixing an entire relationship by yourself, nor should you take on more than your fair share of the "blame." It took years for insecure attachment styles to form, and you can't undo them and get secure overnight. I know all this because I once tried to do what you're doing, and fix myself to fix an AP-FA relationship. The other person did nothing to work on their FA. We reconciled and I acted totally different and was a much better partner. He acted exactly the same and the entire trajectory of our relationship repeated exactly, in spite of me being very different. It hurts a lot when you're in the early throws of all this, and whatever you can look to for motivation to get yourself secure is a good thing. But over time, it will help you enormously to work on getting more secure for you and not for her, because doing this for someone else doesn't work. I used my devastation over the first breakup with that FA ex to introspect and decide what I wanted to be and how I wanted to change, whether I ended up with him or not, and it was the best thing I ever did. So hang in there, and as you process and digest, try to really dig into the no contact period to give yourself space and pause dwelling on her. Trust yourself that you'll come through this a stronger person than when you started no matter what happens, even if there's no clear path right now. Thank you, this is really well written and I can tell you put a lot of thought into your replies, I really appreciate it a lot and appreciate the time you’ve taken to explain your personal situation as well. I want to use this no contact to do exactly what you’ve said, it’s a shame what happened with your FA ex, my ex is in therapy and has read a lot of books on attachment and relationships etc, but she did say right now she’s focusing on having fun and hanging out with friends. Which I think is partly to distract herself from her feelings and partly because she needs a break from how we were. I hope that she can heal herself with time. I know that I want to heal myself regardless and understand myself. Thanks again |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 3, 2022 4:06:00 GMT
Jealousy can be a trauma response When we get caught in trauma, and we can’t stop it, we have to go all the way through the trauma whirlwind - you kind of get sucked in (sometimes it can help to think of a tornado / a hurricane to get the picture) How desorganized feels and deals with jealousy - youtu.be/ewMNKtyzwm4 - youtu.be/B6J3mvmWcb4It can feel embarrassing and voulnarble to feel and show jealousy. Sometimes it can help to let the partner meet your female friends, so that she can see that the other person is not a threat to the relationship But off course you have to talk it through in the relationship, “how do we deal with friends we have kissed, had sex with ect.” - is it a dealbreaker or not, how can we deal with this ? She sounds like she had some bad experiences in her past. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2022 4:31:36 GMT
Just an observation... you're doing a lot of deep work to find self awareness and healing. She's taking holidays, drinks, and keeping busy. Of course, that's not to say she's not getting therapy- idk. but BEWARE that the tone of your post is a red flag here, because it seems like you're kind of hoping that she will miss you and change her mind... effectively switching from deactivation to activation... due to missing you. There's nothing in your telling of this that indicates that she's
1) aware of her attachment style
2) actively seeking to identify her issues
In fact, it's a very vague approach from her- your paths will cross when the time is right.
This is a recipe for heartbreak for you. Healthy Reconciliations don't happen by chance, or by timing, or by missing... they happen with conscious efforts on both sides to repair the rift.
So I'm just saying- this whole thing, even though you are making a sincere effort on your end, is dead in the water if she isn't doing the same. Whatever happens, keep doing what you're doing. It's the right way to find a healthy relationship, with yourself, and with or without her. If she can't match effort then she's not the one.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 3, 2022 4:34:18 GMT
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1864/deadlinesDeadlines: It may be good to make deadlines when you are in a yo-yo relationship or in a situation in the relationship that is characterized by uncertainty for the future - and where the situation is different than you want it to be. Ex. for when to move in together. Or if one has been unfaithful and trust needs to be rebuilt, or the other is stressed out and dont want to do anything to change it or a work that takes a lot of time, a person being depressed and who is not working on getting better or similar situations. The effect of deadlines is that there will be calm in one's nervous system, because one places the desired change on the shelf for a period of time. Rather than fighting and forcing a change in a situation during a time when it is not possible. Many things must be allowed to develop and mature. Setting a deadline means that you signal to yourself that you are true to yourself. That you do not want to put up with the situation endlessly. Sometimes you do not have to say your deadlines out loud, because then you put an unconstitutional pressure on the other person. Find out about your own involvement in that things are as they are. Then you come out of the sacrificial/victimrole and into your own Power.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 3, 2022 4:40:44 GMT
If your partner drops the relationship for the third time, drop him / her. Say goodbye. It is too tedious and destructive if you are not both willing to do what is required to break your negative dynamics
If you not both Are willing to do what it takes to develop the relationship.
You can also get warn out ect. and go down with stress and physical deseases because of the ups and downs and the on and off dynamic in the relationship.
Your nerveussystem Will also Be more and more unregulated if you stay.
An attatcment love coach
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Post by anne12 on Aug 6, 2022 7:57:25 GMT
I was looking in one of my older threads and I found this post about honesty in relationships.
What does the research say about honesty?
Back in 2010, the researchers Brunell, Kernis, Goldman from the University of Denver, USA, looked at the importance of honesty in the relationship.
They did so in connection with their research into love relationships in general.
In conclusion, it can be stated that, firstly, there was a very strong correlation between the degree of honesty and both one's own, but also the partner's, ability to function well in the relationship.
In addition, it turned out, very interestingly, that a high level of honesty in the men meant that their wives felt to a significantly greater extent that they functioned well in the relationship. The more honest the man was, the better the women rated the relationship.
Incidentally, the same did not apply to the same extent the other way round, so here there was a small gender difference.
But... The overall trend was clear! The higher the degree of honesty in the couple relationships, the more satisfied the partners were in general with life, themselves and existence.
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