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Post by stevie on Aug 27, 2022 17:09:08 GMT
Hey all,
English is not my first language so bare with me! I have an anxious attachment and have always had romantic relationships with avoidant attached men. About 4 years ago I made the decision to remain single and go into psychotherapy. Today I feel much more confident and stable and I have a much better view of who I am and what I need in relationships to be happy. Nine months ago I met my now ex boyfriend. We've been separated since yesterday. And I feel so much confusion, anger and sadness right now and I just don't understand what happened here.
At first, this seemed like a match made in heaven. He is honestly the sweetest man I have ever met. He is very friendly, outgoing, loves animals. He's a teddy bear really. Before we were officially together I had some doubts about whether I wanted to continue a serious relationship with him (because I couldn't believe that someone so sweet would want to be with me), but his reaction was so loving and empathetic, without manipulation or any pressure, that after a lot of talking we have grown closer to each other. I fell in love and thought that I had found the (secure) love of my life I always dreamt of. We shared dreams together, did all kinds of fun things, we were together every weekend, the conversations we had were just absolutely insane (in a good way) and everything seemed to be going well. This lasted about a month and then the discussions started, which became increasingly heated over the months.
In a nutshell: in my experience he had less and less time for me. He often canceled at the last minute or indicated that he did not want to spend the night together. I tried to talk to him about this several times, but he often asked me to give him more space, because he was busy with work. He asked for my understanding and to trust that everything would be okay. Despite my anxiety, I tried to deal with this as best as I could and respected his request for space. Until 3 weeks ago. Three weeks ago he said that he was no longer in love with me. I expected everything, but not this. After a long and emotional conversation, we decided to work on this together, because he didn't know why he suddenly felt this way. He just couldn't think of any reasons why he suddenly wasn't in love anymore and wanted to find out. Because he didn't know why, it made me think about our relationship a lot too. And now I suspect that he is actually avoidant attached.
Despite being approachable and appearing to be a very sociable person, he is extremely solitary and has few friendships. He works 7 days a week (and is afraid that his partners will leave him because of this, but thinks this can be solved by finding a woman who gives him a lot of space), has never been in a relationship for more than a year, only recently moved out of the house at 30 years old and doesn't feel like a grown man because of that, has been depressed in his 20s and never had help for it, and has been overweight for a long time because food was his way of coping.
His mother is a very sweet, warm woman but overprotective, his father is adopted and therefore has attachment problems (I suspect DA). I have the feeling that in his youth he was spoiled in a way by his mother. She does everything for him and still treats him like a little kid at times. Very protective. The first time I was at his house he didn't know how the oven worked or how to do the dishes. His father, on the other hand, is very performance-oriented and shows little emotion. His sister said that there used to be a lot of fights at home and that she felt unsafe as a result.
He still wants to work things out, because he still loves me and feels sexually attracted to me and he's afraid he will never find a relationship like this again, but sometimes it seems like he already made his decision. His main focus is "if I find a woman who's independent and can deal with a lot of space, everything will be fine" instead of trying to find out why he needs so much space. He also told me that the only reason he can think of for not being in love anymore, is that this is probably the universe telling him that we are not a match. That we were never a match, because all of a sudden he doesn't like the fact that I don't play sports for example, while this has never been a problem before. I feel like he tries to push me away in all sorts of ways and I just don't know what to do anymore.
I would love to hear your opinions on this, also on how to deal with the this the best way possible as someone with an anxious attachment. I feel like I'm going crazy because of all of the mixed signals, our dreams that never made it to reality and the fact that he's always so kind and empathetic with me.
Thank you for reading!
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Post by alexandra on Aug 27, 2022 17:26:19 GMT
You said you've often dated men with avoidant attachment styles. Has that been primarily DA or have you ever dated someone fearful avoidant before? When I was AP, I spent years and years dating DAs. I eventually changed the dynamic somewhat because I was trying to be careful to choose different men who definitely weren't DA (not that I knew what attachment styles were at the time, just looking for guys who acted differently and who didn't make me feel like I was chasing them from the start). My relationships were better at first but then got even more chaotic, and it turned out I had traded DA boyfriends for FA boyfriends. I did this because FA theoretically want connection more than DA so they'd take on more anxious and seemingly lovey-dovey characteristics in the earlier parts of the relationship as it was new and there was a honeymoon period and we were both still unsure of where things were going. But when the relationships stabilized and we committed, their nervous systems had time to say wait maybe this person is actually going to be a permanent fixture and BOOM, fear of engulfment and other avoidant issues popped up and their feelings would suddenly 180 and disappear with deactivation.
I know it's disheartening when you've already taken breaks from dating and done therapy to address your own attachment wounding and you want to be in a secure relationship. And also because you love and trust this person who has now shown you that they aren't the partner for you (whether that is because he's never dealt with his own issues or you truly aren't the right match for each other, it doesn't matter, the outcome is the same). Unfortunately, even after you have done the work, there's still trial and error involved and you may need more dating and relationship experiences to find what you're looking for. I wrote a thread on what dating was like for the couple years after I earned secure and before I met my husband. It definitely went better than when I was AP, though that was generally because I let go of dates or situations immediately once there was any confusion or things weren't working right. But it still took maybe another year before I broke my old habits and stopped feeling overwhelming attraction to avoidant men, even after I was aware of it and could generally tell someone's attachment style pretty quickly after meeting them!
So I am sorry you're going through this, especially since many of us on the forum have been there with partners who do this. But I think you've actually answered your own question, that he needs to help himself before he can show up for another person, and he's not there yet or showing any interest in doing that. He cannot "work through" these issues with you and salvage the relationship when it's coming from a place of fear and scarcity for him (afraid he'll never find another relationship like this). You should take your space to grieve and believe that this isn't the right relationship for you after all, now that you have this additional information about his availability in long term relationships, no matter his reason "why." For AP, the most important thing to do in a situation like this, even if your nervous system is telling you to seek reconnection, is to make sure you do not abandon yourself. If you can consciously do that, it will make everything else easier to process. It will still be painful (in part because your rational brain and emotions need to catch up to each other and to accepting the current situation for what it actually is, all of which take time), but easier.
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Post by stevie on Aug 27, 2022 18:18:54 GMT
You said you've often dated men with avoidant attachment styles. Has that been primarily DA or have you ever dated someone fearful avoidant before? When I was AP, I spent years and years dating DAs. I eventually changed the dynamic somewhat because I was trying to be careful to choose different men who definitely weren't DA (not that I knew what attachment styles were at the time, just looking for guys who acted differently and who didn't make me feel like I was chasing them from the start). My relationships were better at first but then got even more chaotic, and it turned out I had traded DA boyfriends for FA boyfriends. I did this because FA theoretically want connection more than DA so they'd take on more anxious and seemingly lovey-dovey characteristics in the earlier parts of the relationship as it was new and there was a honeymoon period and we were both still unsure of where things were going. But when the relationships stabilized and we committed, their nervous systems had time to say wait maybe this person is actually going to be a permanent fixture and BOOM, fear of engulfment and other avoidant issues popped up and their feelings would suddenly 180 and disappear with deactivation. I know it's disheartening when you've already taken breaks from dating and done therapy to address your own attachment wounding and you want to be in a secure relationship. And also because you love and trust this person who has now shown you that they aren't the partner for you (whether that is because he's never dealt with his own issues or you truly aren't the right match for each other, it doesn't matter, the outcome is the same). Unfortunately, even after you have done the work, there's still trial and error involved and you may need more dating and relationship experiences to find what you're looking for. I wrote a thread on what dating was like for the couple years after I earned secure and before I met my husband. It definitely went better than when I was AP, though that was generally because I let go of dates or situations immediately once there was any confusion or things weren't working right. But it still took maybe another year before I broke my old habits and stopped feeling overwhelming attraction to avoidant men, even after I was aware of it and could generally tell someone's attachment style pretty quickly after meeting them! So I am sorry you're going through this, especially since many of us on the forum have been there with partners who do this. But I think you've actually answered your own question, that he needs to help himself before he can show up for another person, and he's not there yet or showing any interest in doing that. He cannot "work through" these issues with you and salvage the relationship when it's coming from a place of fear and scarcity for him (afraid he'll never find another relationship like this). You should take your space to grieve and believe that this isn't the right relationship for you after all, now that you have this additional information about his availability in long term relationships, no matter his reason "why." For AP, the most important thing to do in a situation like this, even if your nervous system is telling you to seek reconnection, is to make sure you do not abandon yourself. If you can consciously do that, it will make everything else easier to process. It will still be painful (in part because your rational brain and emotions need to catch up to each other and to accepting the current situation for what it actually is, all of which take time), but easier. Thank you so much! I think the first and third relationships I had were with FA's, second was definitely DA. I think what confuses me the most is that no one ever showed me this much empathy. In the beginning he gave me the space I needed without pressuring me, he never avoided hard conversations, he's always been honest with me, he never called me needy or "too much". He usually is very calm and relaxed, he always listened to me and wanted to talk things through, without being defensive. And to be honest, I'm afraid to lose him too. I'm not used to someone showing me this level of empathy and it's just so confusing. There weren't any red flags in his behaviour apart from the fact that he seemed to distance himself more and more and that he doesn't know why. He said he always had loving relationships even though it weren't longterm relationships. He never spoke a bad word about one of his exes. He never cheated. He said he wanted to marry and have kids one day. He seemed so loving and committed that it was hard not to fall in love with him. But you're right, I know in the end it doesn't matter. Maybe it's not the relationship for me. Can you tell me what signs you were looking for when you started dating? |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 27, 2022 20:03:39 GMT
The biggest red flag I can share is inability to maintain consistency over time. That's the case for anyone, no matter their attachment style, all insecure styles have internal disconnects somewhere. At some point, words won't match actions won't match feelings, and that's the biggest indicator that the person isn't ready for a serious relationship or isn't available in some way. Very often it has zero to do with the other person. If someone simply loses interest, that would happen because there's incompatibilities or dealbreakers or something doesn't work. Someone secure and consistent that you're in a long term relationship with would probably tell you the issue first and see if you could mutually work through it. Then if not, they'd end it, and you wouldn't be confused or surprised about when and why. There wouldn't be any, I don't know why I feel this way and let's work through it but maybe not but maybe but come here too close go away too far come back.
In regards to your history with FA, some lean primarily anxious and some lean primarily avoidant. So I dated some FA who seemed very loving and attentive and were vocal about wanting open communication (yet were terrible at it in practice and not working on improving it), and I dated others who defaulted to distancing in all situations. It's extremely important that someone has follow through on the things they say. It's also important that they are able to take care of themselves, because if they can't take care of themselves then they can't take care of someone else. That doesn't mean just leaving if someone who has established consistency and a relationship with a strong foundation of trust with you over time encounters challenges that create challenges for the relationship... everyone goes through hard times, everyone gets sick, etc. But it's very important that they are willing to try to put in the effort to manage whatever the issue is and not just rely solely on others to fix it for them or dump their issues on other people and take stuff out on them. Depression, for example, is so tricky, but ultimately the person has to want help and take at least baby steps, one at a time, in that direction if you are going to have a sustainable and healthy romantic relationship with them. But definitive baby steps, not just saying "I should deal with this" and then not doing anything more than thinking about it forever. Otherwise, they will be unable to respect boundaries or pull their weight in a mutual dynamic, and it's extremely taxing on a partner who may be trying to row a 2 person rowboat all on their own.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2022 0:39:30 GMT
I'm sorry you have experienced this loss. I think it's important to note that empathy can exist without commitment. One can be understanding without being emotionally available. What you need for the long term is all three... empathy, emotional availability, and commitment. So while he seems ideal in some ways, he is lacking in other critical areas. This means he has loads of work to do over years unfortunately. That's his process, which he hasn't begun likely due to a lack of awareness. Unfortunately, we have to develop the urge to explore this on our own, when we are ready and the stars align so to speak. Usually after some sort of devastating loss. I haven't seen an unaware FA ( or any other type) get better in a single relationship. It's a process that takes a lot of time and experimentation and typically several relationship mishaps... and that's if someone is actively working on it.
But you are ahead of the game if you are aware and willing to release what isn't healthy for you. Best of luck, and this too shall pass 🧡
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Post by stevie on Aug 28, 2022 13:32:03 GMT
Thank you so much alexandra and introvert! This helps me so much in sorting out my thoughts and feelings.
I think what went wrong, after reading this, is the inconsistency. His words didn't match his actions at all and I think that this is actually what confuses me the most. He always said that he loves me, wants to be with me, wants to spend time with me, but wasn't actually putting in any effort to actually see me. Instead I got weekly phonecalls from him saying that he was busy with work and that he didn't know where he could find the time to actually maintain our relationship. Also, almost every time he experienced a certain setback in his life he needed space from me for a while. This man is an island.
I'm proud of myself for ending this. Ten years ago I would have probably chased him, trying to work it out, giving him space without paying attention to what my body told me all along. I don't feel safe with him.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2022 14:50:09 GMT
Thank you so much alexandra and introvert! This helps me so much in sorting out my thoughts and feelings. I think what went wrong, after reading this, is the inconsistency. His words didn't match his actions at all and I think that this is actually what confuses me the most. He always said that he loves me, wants to be with me, wants to spend time with me, but wasn't actually putting in any effort to actually see me. Instead I got weekly phonecalls from him saying that he was busy with work and that he didn't know where he could find the time to actually maintain our relationship. Also, almost every time he experienced a certain setback in his life he needed space from me for a while. This man is an island. I'm proud of myself for ending this. Ten years ago I would have probably chased him, trying to work it out, giving him space without paying attention to what my body told me all along. I don't feel safe with him. Yes!!!! So good to see that you are being true to yourself and accepting him as he is, without accepting him in your life. And you're taking great care of you. I remember when I started living life this way... one step at a time and you will be finding the love that heals instead of hurts. Good on you to let go and let him be, while you create your own destiny. |
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