He stopped contact when I got a puppy!

Him mrob,

I chased with vigour for years because I didn’t understand what was going on (I didn’t understand I was AP, or what that meant until recently)

Circumstances before - we were looking at places together because he said he wanted us to live together. It could of been a test. We looked at a few places and then within a month he put a wall up and ignored me for 12 months.

I got in contact with him again after that (with a lot of work), and he finally let me back in his life, but there were rules and conditions, such as casual only, and we couldn’t be gf/bf again. It hurt, but I was hoping he’d come around and let his wall down. Instead, he built it back up after I got the dog.

Before ALL that, (back in 2018) we were together about a year. He loved me passionately for about 6 months, and then it was a roller coaster relationship which ended up with me being blocked for 8 months.

Again, im AP, trying to be more secure, which is why I’m not stressing too much about his disappearing act. I‘be also stopped contact and do not plan on contacting him again because this behaviour is very draining for me. I was just hoping for some insight into why me getting a puppy is so terrible in the mind of my FA ex?

Thanks everyone for your input.

I know it’s fruitless to wonder why he pulled away, but I’m in shock, and I’m trying to process everything. Writing out what happened and speaking to others is helpful for me.

It would have been nice if he could have been open and honest with me. I gave him multiple chances to tell me he doesn’t want to see me anymore, but he chose to ignore the question and keep me guessing….until he eventually blocked me 2 months later.

I’m obviously feeling frustrated and hurt.

I was wondering if any other FAs had a similar reaction to something like this? I mean, is it about control? I didn’t speak to him first about getting a dog, I just went ahead and made a decision without his input. I feel like he’s embarrassed or ashamed to admit this bothered him, because it may contradict everything he’s been busy reinforcing the last 5 months.

He’s definitely mad at me about something, he just refused to talk about it. Up until I got the puppy, things were stable, and he was not volatile towards me.

I wanted him in my life, and I was hoping he and I could have a better, healthier relationship this time around. Unfortunately, it feels like there’s nothing I can do anymore, and this is his issue, not mine.

I have made peace with the fact that he’s cut me out of his life, but I just wish he could of explained things to me first.

Don't assume he was withholding from you consciously and for its own sake. A lot of times, people with insecure attachment styles are disconnected from themselves and can't figure out what's actually wrong or explain it if they tried. The control factor is not to control the other person, it is to give themselves the illusion that they are in control of themselves and their environments. Anxious leaning folks will try ad nauseam to explain every thought from every angle in an attempt to find the "magic formula" that fulfills their elusive needs and connects them to another person, while someone avoidant will shut down because their nervous system shuts down in the face of discomfort and they numb out and withdraw, sometimes without realizing it. Yes, all those behaviors are the problem of the person displaying them, others can't do anything about it. My FA ex who would do similar stuff eventually told me that he couldn't bear to tell me anything that he knew would be hurtful to me, he couldn't face it or deal with any expected conflict, it made him feel too much shame or to just remove himself from the situation without thinking about it until he felt better and several weeks had passed without him noticing. Was that fair to me. NO. So what was the way to handle it? Stop leaving the ball in his court and waiting for his "decision," and decide on what I wanted for myself. If I wanted respect and a healthy relationship, it wasn't going to be with someone who treated me with disregard when we had a conflict. So it was up to me to leave and not abandon myself.

You can have compassion for someone's issues and struggles while not using that information to make excuses or let them treat you like a doormat.

You may perceive that things went downhill after 5 months, but they were always downhill because you were accepting crumbs from him and hoping if you fought hard enough for him that he'd come around. APs see love as longing and earned through chasing, trying harder and harder because you feel that being you just as you are isn't good enough. That's false, but it is where the answers to this actually lie. Getting closure and feeling resolution comes from building your own self-esteem no matter what anyone else thinks of you. Your value and worth has nothing to do with him, he does not get to define that for you.

I hope you're enjoying being a dog owner! Think about how someone who can't even really be happy for you doing something for yourself that's important to you shouldn't get to call the shots in your life. His behavior isn't actually about the dog, and fixating on that just because it correlated with the length of time this go around the go away come back merry go round lasted won't give you any answers.

This is a pretty good round-up imo... there are things that can really trigger an abandonment wound that might not make logical sense to the other person. You've given us context behind you getting a puppy without mentioning to him first that makes total sense to me. If he's running a story that means you're rejecting him by getting a puppy, that would explain his behaviour. He may also have a bit of an inkling that it's doesn't actually make sense that he feels that way, which could be why he doesn't want to talk about it. He might not know why he feels that way. And that's part of the push/pull FA patterning... don't come too close, but don't leave me.

BUT having said that, there's no way of knowing what's going on in his head with any surety, and the fact he hasn't got the skills to talk to you when something is bothering him, and just shuts you out, this is just an impossible dynamic to work with, and you'll twist yourself in knots trying to understand how to avoid it from happening.

I'm sure it hurts a lot that he pulls away from you in this brutal way, but it seems that's the way it is with him, and only you get to decide whether you accept it or want that in your life. Wishing you lots of luck!