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Post by anne12 on Sept 18, 2022 9:33:23 GMT
Unfortunately sex education in school in many countries sucks. Where do young men and young women learn about what sex is really like, where do we learn about boundaries and how to feel them while still being curious, where do we learn that birth control pills can do harm to women and that they pick different kind of partners weather or not they are on the pill where do we learn that women are 4 different types of women each month, because of their menstrual cycle - jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3428/4-phases-womens-menstrual-cyclewhere do we learn, that sex is not about chasing orgasm, where do we learn about the female autonomy, where do we learn, that when we change sex positions under the act, women needs time to adjust their body and pelvic floor and maybe you have to start almost from scratch again, - Each time we change the position there will also be something that changes in the way things are touched inside the woman.The woman often has to adjust and then the man should not follow her. He needs to give her time to adjust, so that her tender points are taken into account (Like doing yoga where you adjust your body into each position) It is important to move into a new position with caution before accelerating. where do we learn how to penetrate a woman properly - m.youtube.com/watch?v=casWDRxMUyY&t=5swhere do we learn about female arousel and how to ride the wave when having sex, which is sooo important to women where do we learn, that the clit is just the top of the iceberg where do we learn, that the clitoris has got 8000 nerve endings compared to a man’s penishead with “only” 5000 nerve endings where do we learn, that it actually takes women from 20 min. up to 45 minutes to get fully erect, where do we learn that the patriarchy can be damaging for mens and womens interaction and sexlife in 2022 where do we learn, that the amygdala needs to be turned off in order for a woman to get turned on where do we learn that women bond when producing oxytocin, and that they produce oxytocin when having orgasm and being touched on the nipples and that it takes longer time for oxytocin to leave a woman’s body than men. The effects of oxytocin are exacerbated by estrogen and minimized by testosterone. The bonding effect seems to last 2-3 weeks in women and 2-3 days in men - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46166/where do we learn that it is a natural thing to talk about sex with our partner, and not just make sex without really talking about it… where do we learn about our erotic blueprint - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46205/how can we teasch female how to get to know their lower parts, when we as women can’t see all of it where do we learn, that the temperature in the room is important for a woman to be able to orgasm and that it is easier for her to orgasm if she keeps her feet warm, and that wearing socks can help to get the job done where do we learn that men are not just maschines who can get it up whenever, but that mens sexuality also can be affected by performance anxiety, their state of mind, at what time in the day their testorone level is high and that when they roll over after sex and begins to sleep, it is not nessacerely that they don’t care, but because they have to build up their level of testorone again - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46192/where do we learn, that men can learn to ride the wave with their sex partner where do we learn that our attachment style can impact the reason why we have sex and the way we have sex where do we learn about the rigid character structure - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46202/where do we learn about children s natural development around their own sexuality and their bodies where do we learn about sexual trauma And where do we learn, that men and women are not just machines, like in porn, and that porn is not real sex and that when she screams in porn movies, it is properly because her thies hurts, because of all the insane sex positions that she has to show and that men can’t sperm this much irl and that most women don’t like to get sperm all over their face and that the sperm they show is properly just water blended with baking powder. - the best porn sites for women - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46208/ |
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Post by jolene on Sept 18, 2022 10:17:32 GMT
Alexandra, thank you so so much for your detailed and thoughtful response. This is very helpful. I never experienced something like this before. My previous relationships were not the best relationships, but overall they were much more stable. The more I read about attachment styles, the more I think I'm AP and he's FA. The thought of BPD or NPD crossed my mind for a second, because I recognize the black and white thinking. A valued colleague rejected one of his projects and he thought of himself as worthless, said that I shouldn't be proud of him and that it sucked to be alive. No matter what I said, it seemed to make him even more depressed. But when his colleague apologized he acted like nothing was wrong, like he flipped a switch and almost forgot that a few days ago he couldn't get out of bed. He didn't remember saying that he needed professional help. Everything was fine again. I was so surprised I didn't even know what to say.
I just didn't know what to do when he behaved like this. He pushed me away by not wanting to see me for weeks, but at the same time he texted me everyday about how horrible his life was. When I asked him what he needed from me or if there was anything I could do for him, he didn't know. It broke my heart to see him like this and I wanted to help him, but at the same time I didn't know what to do with myself, because nothing seemed to help. I'm proud of myself for walking away because he didn't want our relationship to end. He seemed scared that I would leave him and he tried to manipulate me to stay, even though he wasn't in love anymore.
I decided to go to therapy to learn more about attachment styles, myself and how I can prevent this from happening again. I'm ruminating, replaying events in my mind over and over because it doesn't makes sense to me, and it's driving me crazy. I feel sad because I think I enabled his behavior and I subordinated myself to him. To me it feels like giving up on someone who desperately needs help, which is not my responsibility at all, but still it feels like I failed.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 18, 2022 10:22:16 GMT
Remember there is also the fragile, vulnerable narcissist called the covert narcissist Unlike an overt narcissist, the covert one will easily show weakness, say sorry (without really meaning it) and cry and they have low self esteem and can suffer from depression The covert narcissist believes they have the right to be a victim jebkinnisonforum.com/post/36892/ |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 18, 2022 10:33:15 GMT
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Post by jolene on Sept 18, 2022 11:36:04 GMT
Remember there is also the fragile, vulnerable narcissist called the covert narcissist Unlike an overt narcissist, the covert one will easily show weakness, say sorry (without really meaning it) and cry and they have low self esteem and can suffer from depression The covert narcissist believes they have the right to be a victim jebkinnisonforum.com/post/36892/Do you know the difference between BPD and covert NPD? I find it hard to tell. The description of a covert narcissist matches his behavior and the way I felt within this relationship. He doesn't come across as arrogant or grandiose, although he did accuse me of calling him arrogant and sometimes he apologized because he was afraid to come across as arrogant, while I never said that. It didn't even cross my mind. He did seem preoccupied with fantasies about success related to work. He feels immensely aggravated by the fact that he's not where he wants to be. It's his life purpose, everything he wants. He does not want to die before he's well known within his world. He also tried to impress me by showing me his work (his words). And I was actually impressed. I love it when someone has a passion. Could it also be he's just really ambitious and proud of what he's achieved? I hope he is because he works really hard. |
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Post by mrob on Sept 18, 2022 13:42:13 GMT
I think differently about all this, but agree with alexandra that it’s not all about attachment styles. Sure, you having sex with other men would give him distance. The rest of the sex stuff sounds like (unfortunately) normal unaware, inconsiderate ego driven man stuff. Even with a compatible attachment style his behaviour would mean an instant goodbye. This is where it does come back to you, and your longing for him. What is it in you that is causing you to hold onto something for someone who, and pardon the crassness “is only looking to get his end away”, veiled thinly under other not so savoury stuff. The inability to move on after 1.5 years. That’s the one thing you can change in this, and you’re here, so you must see something here. Unfortunately at the moment we’re almost a man free zone, and the socialisation is quite different. But, you’re in the right place. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2022 14:01:02 GMT
I agree with mrob that the most helpful thing you can do here jolene is to remind yourself that rumination and trying to figure him out is part of your own dysfunction. I am sympathetic to the pain of the relationship and the breakup. I truly am, I've had my share of pain around relationships. But I think you are manifesting your own unhealthy tendency to shift the focus away from you. This unhealthy focus will have you ruminating about his psychology outside of this relationship, but inside a relationship it will lead to other self defeating behaviors and the inability to set and maintain boundaries. There are aspects of your own psychology which you must address in order to do what you said you wanted to do.... avoid becoming involved like this again. The only thing we can control is ourselves, and in order to do that we have to dig deep to understand what makes US tick. Figuring out what makes him tick, or how he ticks, doesn't help as much as it may seem. In the end it's how you operate that will determine your future. Ask the question "Why?" about yourself and you are going to find the answers you really need. Best to you, this is a difficult process but the payoff is great if you direct your efforts toward healing yourself. |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 19, 2022 3:56:14 GMT
jolene I don’t know enough about bpd You can try to work with your inner Devine woman through different techniques. There are different ways to release your inner divine woman, depending on when and how she was shut down: - Clean other people's energies out e.g. out of the vagina if you have had one or more unconscious or self-absorbed lovers/partners - aesthetics - beautiful things, flowers, scents ect. - healing through energy exercises - trauma healing (stress or different kind of traumas) - arouse the erotic energy - rituals - self-pampering - be in nature - movements and dances - to be together with other females in a female community - breathing (yin breathing - breathe all the way down to your sex/your pelvic floor / yang breathing - breathe from your sex up into your heart) - (when having sex you can use the yin breath as a woman and the man can use the yang breath). Notise your energy field after the breathing exercise. - pleasure, especially bodily pleasure -self-touch, breast massage, spaday ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40662/Your masculine/feminine energy can be out of balance jebkinnisonforum.com/post/37959/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/37973/More healing of the masculine jebkinnisonforum.com/post/44020/More healing of the feminine jebkinnisonforum.com/post/44404/
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Post by jolene on Sept 19, 2022 9:54:25 GMT
I agree with mrob that the most helpful thing you can do here jolene is to remind yourself that rumination and trying to figure him out is part of your own dysfunction. I am sympathetic to the pain of the relationship and the breakup. I truly am, I've had my share of pain around relationships. But I think you are manifesting your own unhealthy tendency to shift the focus away from you. This unhealthy focus will have you ruminating about his psychology outside of this relationship, but inside a relationship it will lead to other self defeating behaviors and the inability to set and maintain boundaries. There are aspects of your own psychology which you must address in order to do what you said you wanted to do.... avoid becoming involved like this again. The only thing we can control is ourselves, and in order to do that we have to dig deep to understand what makes US tick. Figuring out what makes him tick, or how he ticks, doesn't help as much as it may seem. In the end it's how you operate that will determine your future. Ask the question "Why?" about yourself and you are going to find the answers you really need. Best to you, this is a difficult process but the payoff is great if you direct your efforts toward healing yourself. Hi introvert :-) Thank you! I appreciate it. I'm aware that I need to work on myself and have to take responsibility for the fact that I stayed. The more I read, the more I realize it's something to do with my parents being emotionally unavailable and I need to dig into that. It doesn't excuse his behavior though. I think it makes sense to some extent that if someone has manipulated you, you try to put the pieces together. I'm so freakin angry and sad and confused right now. I definitely need to be aware that I don't get obsessed with it and that I learn to redirect my energy, but I also think it's important that I'm teaching myself about red flags in order to understand why I let someone treat me this way. I agree that trying to figure out what makes him tick doesn't help much, I don't think he even knows, but I do think it helps to figure out what red flags were present and why I ignored them. I believe these two can coexist and my main goal is still to learn from this experience and to comprehend what happened to improve myself. Maybe I'm completely missing the point right now so please bear with me. I genuinely appreciate any kind of feedback, even if it sucks to hear. I'm also looking for a therapist who can help me navigate this. |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 19, 2022 12:08:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2022 12:14:08 GMT
I agree with mrob that the most helpful thing you can do here jolene is to remind yourself that rumination and trying to figure him out is part of your own dysfunction. I am sympathetic to the pain of the relationship and the breakup. I truly am, I've had my share of pain around relationships. But I think you are manifesting your own unhealthy tendency to shift the focus away from you. This unhealthy focus will have you ruminating about his psychology outside of this relationship, but inside a relationship it will lead to other self defeating behaviors and the inability to set and maintain boundaries. There are aspects of your own psychology which you must address in order to do what you said you wanted to do.... avoid becoming involved like this again. The only thing we can control is ourselves, and in order to do that we have to dig deep to understand what makes US tick. Figuring out what makes him tick, or how he ticks, doesn't help as much as it may seem. In the end it's how you operate that will determine your future. Ask the question "Why?" about yourself and you are going to find the answers you really need. Best to you, this is a difficult process but the payoff is great if you direct your efforts toward healing yourself. Hi introvert :-) Thank you! I appreciate it. I'm aware that I need to work on myself and have to take responsibility for the fact that I stayed. The more I read, the more I realize it's something to do with my parents being emotionally unavailable and I need to dig into that. It doesn't excuse his behavior though. I think it makes sense to some extent that if someone has manipulated you, you try to put the pieces together. I'm so freakin angry and sad and confused right now. I definitely need to be aware that I don't get obsessed with it and that I learn to redirect my energy, but I also think it's important that I'm teaching myself about red flags in order to understand why I let someone treat me this way. I agree that trying to figure out what makes him tick doesn't help much, I don't think he even knows, but I do think it helps to figure out what red flags were present and why I ignored them. I believe these two can coexist and my main goal is still to learn from this experience and to comprehend what happened to improve myself. Maybe I'm completely missing the point right now so please bear with me. I genuinely appreciate any kind of feedback, even if it sucks to hear. I'm also looking for a therapist who can help me navigate this. I completely understand, and you're in kind of a shock with your heart and mind all busted up. I do get it. I don't mean "take responsibility " as in "this is YOUR FAULT!" And I'm not excusing his hurtful behavior. What I mean, is try to understand yourself, and how your patterned reactions to him reveal your own wounding and relationship to yourself. So it sounds like you are working through that but I just couldn't tell due to the nature of your posts about him. I understand now. You are doing the analysis of "he did this" so you can do the analysis of "why then, did I not do this or that?". It's horrible to work through this stuff. I think it's good to get a therapist and it will be good for you to get some face to face support and empathy, while helping you heal. |
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Post by jolene on Sept 19, 2022 14:32:08 GMT
Hi introvert :-) Thank you! I appreciate it. I'm aware that I need to work on myself and have to take responsibility for the fact that I stayed. The more I read, the more I realize it's something to do with my parents being emotionally unavailable and I need to dig into that. It doesn't excuse his behavior though. I think it makes sense to some extent that if someone has manipulated you, you try to put the pieces together. I'm so freakin angry and sad and confused right now. I definitely need to be aware that I don't get obsessed with it and that I learn to redirect my energy, but I also think it's important that I'm teaching myself about red flags in order to understand why I let someone treat me this way. I agree that trying to figure out what makes him tick doesn't help much, I don't think he even knows, but I do think it helps to figure out what red flags were present and why I ignored them. I believe these two can coexist and my main goal is still to learn from this experience and to comprehend what happened to improve myself. Maybe I'm completely missing the point right now so please bear with me. I genuinely appreciate any kind of feedback, even if it sucks to hear. I'm also looking for a therapist who can help me navigate this. I completely understand, and you're in kind of a shock with your heart and mind all busted up. I do get it. I don't mean "take responsibility " as in "this is YOUR FAULT!" And I'm not excusing his hurtful behavior. What I mean, is try to understand yourself, and how your patterned reactions to him reveal your own wounding and relationship to yourself. So it sounds like you are working through that but I just couldn't tell due to the nature of your posts about him. I understand now. You are doing the analysis of "he did this" so you can do the analysis of "why then, did I not do this or that?". It's horrible to work through this stuff. I think it's good to get a therapist and it will be good for you to get some face to face support and empathy, while helping you heal. Yes exactly :-) I know you didn't mean it that way so don't worry! It definitely is a huge lesson for me so you're absolutely right. Thank you for sharing and thinking along. It just makes more sense now that I know that we both probably have an insecure attachment style, because it educates me about what I don't want and that I must be wary of inconsistencies, for example, as alexandra said. Bottom line is that I need to learn to take myself more seriously, but one thing I find really hard is that manipulation can be so subtle and hard to identify. I said no so many times but in retrospect he manipulated me into saying yes, to the point I was almost convinced that I thought and felt the same as him, when in fact it didn't even come close to my beliefs and who I am. He tried to mold me into his ideal person, according to his beliefs. And I went along with it. The person I left was definitely not the same person I met in the beginning. To me it feels like he did a 180 but it didn't happen overnight, most of his behavior changed very gradually and subtly. So what I'm trying to figure out now is, how could I have known? What did he do or say in the beginning that should have set off my alarm bells? Where did it go wrong? |
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Post by mrob on Sept 19, 2022 15:25:42 GMT
In my experience, people give themselves away pretty quickly. Generally it’s an “off the cuff” remark in date 1 or 2. “I’m not good at relationships” - believe them. It doesn’t even have to be relationship talk. I assure you that if you’re open to it, you’ll hear it and alarm bells will ring.
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Post by jolene on Sept 19, 2022 16:12:36 GMT
In my experience, people give themselves away pretty quickly. Generally it’s an “off the cuff” remark in date 1 or 2. “I’m not good at relationships” - believe them. It doesn’t even have to be relationship talk. I assure you that if you’re open to it, you’ll hear it and alarm bells will ring. Ah yes, wow, note to self. I remember him saying things like "you're pobably better at relationships than I am" because he never had a relationship that lasted longer than a year versus the longterm relationships I've had. He was looking for a stable relationship because his previous relationships weren't. He never blamed his exes though, he always spoke fondly of them. I actually loved that about him. I did find it strange that he was friends with all his exes. And he spoke positively about everything in the beginning. As I got to know him better, I realized that the reality was a little different from the optimistic picture he painted. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 19, 2022 17:43:54 GMT
There are times that being friends with all your exes is a red flag. I say this as someone who is good friends with some of my exes! If the person is friends with all their exes, you need to gauge if it's because they can't and don't want to let go of any of their "options" OR if they never fully emotionally process breakups and their ego / anxiety levels can't handle the prospect of disconnection. Either of those are red flag reasons.
A healthy approach to exes, if the topic comes up, is not speaking negatively of them (anyone who says all their exes are crazy is a red flag) but being able to articulate briefly why things went wrong, take accountability for your own part in that, and perhaps even what you changed / learned from it. But again, this should be a brief and reasonably easy conversation with someone secure, not drawn out or fawning over or droning on about or overanalyzing exes, and trauma bonding with you about breakups along the way (creating speedy and false intimacy with you). It's not healthy for this topic to come up on the first few dates, either, that's a boundary issue because someone would be oversharing with someone they barely know at a time they should be focusing on getting to know you and building your connection together.
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