What happened here? Is he FA?

Hi jolene

I’m so sorry to read about your experience
IMO he wasn’t being respectful and he tried to violate your boundaries

WTF is this: “well maybe it would help to have sex with other men, to process that". It was really painful for me to hear him say that. Sometimes he suggested a polyamorous relationship because according to him nothing is more beautiful than being able to give each other everything

Of course it is painfull. Hugs ❤️

As a woman you can actually get trauma in your vagina when you get penetrated before your vagina is ready and you give your concent

Women often get penetrated to fast before their Yoni is ready and they therefore overrule their own boundaries / gets their body's boundaries crossed, which can lead to less desire for sex

The Yoni is the most intimate part of the woman's body and by saying yes (to sex) when her body means no, can damage a womens selfworth and can make her feel bad.

youtu.be/kJmYevqIyG0 - Layla Martin

Masculine sexuality is often about giving the woman as many orgasms as possible, but this can damage the feminine (sex) drive

You are allowed to say no at any time you feel like it, also when you already have started to have sex
A real respectful man would respect your boundaries
Some men are just extremely selfish
I have made a thread about women and sexuality, boundaries ect.
I will try to find it
It can be a good idea to get some pelvic floor mapping / trauma healing treatment and also to find a good therapist
He could be a narc, who knows or just a very selfish person
His former relationships and how things were has nothing to do with you. He should have respected you.

You should be very proud of yourself for standing up for yourself and refusing to take birth control pills ! See, you could actually feel your boundaries !!!

I know some female professionels in the US, who works with pelvic floor mapping ect., and how to find your power and strength again
Let me know if you want to me to pm you, and I will give you some names, and they will guide you on what to do and who to contact.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm don't live in the US but thank you so much for offering. I appreciate that a lot. I think a therapist would be a good idea since I'm sensing a pattern.

It's weird because I like having sex, but at the same time I'm afraid men will use me for it. I enjoy holding hands, I like to cuddle and I need physical touch in a relationship, but I don't want that as the only form of intimacy within a relationship. I seem to attract men that are highly sexual and they don't always show it at first, but when I like them back it usually goes fast and I tend to feel flattered when they say I'm good looking and the best sex partner they ever had.

However, I genuinely thought that we had such a strong connection that went beyond a sexual one. I shared my deepest fears with him because I wanted to build a strong foundation and the way we communicated with each other was something I've never experienced before. I remember telling him that I couldn't even imagine we'd ever fight, because our conversations were so calm and loving and I always felt safe. A few months later it felt like we didn't even speak the same language anymore. He often twisted my words, and sometimes he apologized and I could tell he felt really guilty but then his actions never matched it.

Thank you! I think it's clear that I need to do some work in the boundary department and I really need to learn to walk away the first time someone shows me they don't respect my boundaries. After the no condom incident he still pushed me in other ways, he wanted me to try certain positions that I wasn't comfortable with. He would say things like "but babe you're so beautiful, there's no need to feel insecure." He also liked to have sex in public places and I made it very clear that I wasn't into that, but we went to an event once and he tried to have sex with me in a public toilet. I don't want to go into too much detail about how that went but I walked away and it didn't end well. I couldn't even look at him anymore. Less than a week later he told me he wasn't in love with my anymore because I wasn't independent enough.



He told me that at one point in his life he thought he was addicted to porn, but his therapist at the time said that he just needed a purpose in life because he didn't know what he wanted. In the beginning he told me he once had a sexless relationship and that he didn't mind at all. So I was like yay, I like this guy very much and he seems to want more than sex! But few months in and he already said that he would be very disappointed if we ever stopped having sex. This man is a walking contradiction :-(

Well not having sex at all in a relationship can also be a red flag

You need to find out what YOU want, what YOU like ect.

I can also recommend working with a vita coach, or a female sexologist specialized in working with women and help them to get in contact with their body and their lust, sexuality, sensuality, boundaries ect.
We have several tantric pelvic floor body workers in my country, who my own teacher recommends - be careful to get recommendations from someone who actually knows about this stuff, as you don’t want to get re traumatized…

You just tell them that you want pelvic floor trauma work

We women can also get traumas from pat smears, pelvic exams, from giving birth ect.

The American female teacher I was writing about teasches internationally, so she has got contacts to different kind of practitioners around the world

You sound like you could have got some desorganised attatchmetstyle…they often move fast and are having trouble with boundaries, topdog/underdog dynamics, one being in power, the other being powerless, predator/prey dynamics ect.

If you are in a freeze state, you are more likely to attract people with predator energy. They can spot you from far away unfortunately 
Sounds like you also had some sexual trauma earlier on in your life / from some of your previous relationships / interactions with men ?

The preoccupied ambivalent and sex - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46199/

The desorganized and sex - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46201/

The dismissive avoidant and sex - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46200/

We often got a mix of different attatchment styles

You could be fa/desorganized leaning anxious ?

On mobile, so I'll likely come back later to say more. But your post really spoke to me. I'm sorry that this happened to you, it is really easy to blame ourselves when things like this happen.

I always find it ironic that the men who complain and say they want a strong independent women are the same ones who will take her and beat her down until she is passive and docile. They can't even see the impact of their behavior.


Many times it feels they actually want a mom figure. They want someone to say no to them and put up firm walls but then they rebel against those limits, and hit you with the pressure and emotional blackmail until you give in.



The first time a man respected me sexually was like night and day. Before that I never realized what was missing. He stopped mid act and asked if I was okay and said "if you aren't enjoying it, I can't enjoy it". And he stopped and was 100% okay with just holding and kissing me. He was just very aware of my body language and checking in and it made me realize how many men had either ignored or not noticed my discomfort/lack of enthusiasm. I had always blamed myself that I never explicitly said no, that I just went along with things. But I came to realize that a man who cares and respects you doesn't need much to pickup that things aren't right.

I'm so sorry you went through all this. Usually when things are textbook attachment style issues or clearly a personality disorder, it's pretty easy for me to identify. But in this case, I don't think you're going to find attachment issues entirely explain how he treated you. There are definitely other mental health issues at play on his side, not just avoidance, even though I don't know enough about him to know what they might be.

While most of the posters here promote looking inward and not focusing on the partner for healing, I generally do think there's value in understanding all the attachment styles and how different pairings (for example, FA partner with FA partner, DA partner with AP partner, secure partner with FA partner, etc) tend to create distinct dynamics to that pairing with predictable patterns. So an AP-DA relationship will have a different relationship dynamic than an FA-FA relationship, but if you compared a few different AP-DA relationships to each other, they'd probably all follow the same progression over time. This means that, while I agree that the focus needs to be brought back to yourself and to be internal to heal, I'll usually take some time to explain a partner's behavior so the person can better understand the entire dynamic they are looking at and eventually their own role in it.

HOWEVER. In your case, I don't think combing through his behaviors and understanding his attachment style and mental health issues, even if it's to learn from the "red flags," is going to help you very much. I think you are far, far better off entirely focusing on yourself and introspection, and feeling grateful that you don't understand him (because it means you don't share his twisted mindset). From what you're saying, this man strikes me as being quite abusive, and escalating it over time. Which makes it far less about why he's that way or feeling bad for what he went through in life to get here, and far more about processing your own feelings, rebuilding yourself and your self-esteem, and staying far away from him.

I have a couple tricks for red flags. The first is, as you've already started to notice, consistency is paramount. Words needs to match actions need to match feelings always. I've never met someone that had inconsistencies that ended up not being problematic. Inconsistencies don't make them a bad person (though occasionally they are bad people), but they do indicate that something is off that makes them not available for a healthy relationship. I used to make excuses and explain away inconsistency and not walk away, and after lots of life experience I learned that was never the right answer.

If you are AP or FA, you are conditioned and primed for needing to find a way to stay attached to someone who has not consistently met your needs. AP styles tend to form in childhood as a defense mechanism when the child has inconsistent parents or adult caretakers. FA styles tend to form when parents or adult caretakers are not just inconsistent but chaotic, unpredictable, or perhaps emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive -- there's zero strategies that consistently work for a child to deal with these situations so they end up with a disorganized and inconsistent approach to attachment and relationships.

That translates as an adult to not trusting yourself because you learned to minimize your own needs which weren't getting met and made you feel hurt. Other people "called the shots" so to speak, and you learned to go along with it to stay attached to them and try to get at least some needs met. Being primed for that dynamic can lead to tolerating behavior and inconsistency like this guy showed you. FA is actually the attachment style most likely to end up in outright abusive romantic relationships, most at risk for that. That isn't your fault, but, as you're also wisely concluding, you're the only one who can get yourself out of that mindset and change it. A dysfunctional partner, or a malicious one, does not have the capacity to care about your well-being enough, and you need to protect yourself.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't trust anyone. There are people who can rightfully earn your trust through consistency and showing respect of you and your boundaries. But what it does mean is it's equally if not even more important to learn how to trust yourself first. That's the key struggle for AP, and a good chunk of the even more complicated struggle for FA.

Trusting yourself means you learn to connect to yourself and stop fearing abandonment (the fear that is biggest source of anxious triggering), because you learn how to stop abandoning yourself no matter what someone else does. Once you can do that, identifying the red flags don't quite matter as much, because any behavior that is inconsistent or disrespectful towards you will naturally repel you (that's my other trick).

It takes a lot of work on your side and emotional processing, healing, and learning to self-regulate your emotions to get there, but it's completely doable. Just a work in progress and not a quick and easy fix. But in this case, I do think you will need to mourn the relationship with him and find someone to talk to about healing what I'm reading as enduring some insidious abuse from him, including sexual. It doesn't matter why it happened quite yet, it just matters that it did happen and you deserve to heal from that first. Approaching it from that angle will help your perspective later on if you then want to try to understand the whys. But for now, his side of this is not what's important for you and your process in moving forward.

Sorry that was so long, hopefully wasn't too overwhelming with information. I just got kind of mad reading about his lack of respect for you and overall misogyny.