Ghosted by DA boyfriend

I'm sorry you're going through this. I also know I'm going to say things you don't want to hear. His unwillingness to take accountability here or go to therapy is what is going to torpedo your relationship, not you pushing him to give you an explanation or fully commit to the relationship. I used to have a textbook anxious preoccupied attachment, and I dated many, many avoidant men. Some were nice people, but we'd fall into the anxious-avoidant trap because we were not a good match for each other's needs. And some were so emotionally unavailable that they would put up obstacle after road block after moving the goal posts over and over again no matter what I did. But since, being AP and having an insecure attachment that meant by definition I was emotionally unavailable myself (even if I wasn't conscious of it at the time), I played along and waited and waited instead of accepting we did not want the same things. This was a waste of time for both of us, really. I should have taken the time to question why I was trying to force relationships to work that did not meet my needs, and why I was willing to minimize my needs and not leave incompatible anxious-avoidant situations.

What I have learned through much dating experience is that someone who is ready to commit and able to back it up will not keep throwing up new road blocks, they will be trying to remove them. If the person is not doing this, then it does not matter how much they care about you or love you. They can love you passionately. But they are not capable of being a healthy or fully committed partner, full stop. I heard every excuse in the book from my avoidant boyfriends about why we should keep things exactly as they were for now and not move in together yet or talk about engagement in any realistic terms, even though I wanted those milestones. Things were always almost right, but not quite: enough to keep me hanging on, seeing hope in the inconsistency instead of seeing that I was trying to stay in my feelings and cling to dating potential instead of what or who was really in front of me. When I finally met a guy who was serious, we were in a ridiculous situation due to the pandemic. There were many logistic obstacles to overcome, and yet it seemed easy and simple with him as he removed them all. Total opposite of my experience when I was in insecurely attached relationships.

It makes sense that you have given him a lot of time already, but it sounds like the pattern of results has been the same for a long time, and you now have enough information to see that if you choose to see it. Long distance relationships like this are very difficult, because when you see the other person it is like a temporary vacation and they can hide or ignore all the bad parts because the distance is built-in and coming again soon. That makes these relationships very appealing to people with insecure attachment styles. Anxious can long for their partners and experience the amazing times and feel constantly overwhelmed by the strength of their feelings (which feels like enduring love), and avoidant can enjoy the time together without panicking, knowing distance and alone time will come again soon. So I agree with you that you already have the core problem pegged correctly: he's having a lot of difficulty transitioning from long distance to in-person, complete with legal obligations and a Visa, and making things real. It's a risk for him in a new country, and for you as well since you will become his support network (assuming he does not also have a bunch of friends and family where you are). And if he refuses to go to therapy or do anything real to address his cold feet, there's really nothing you can do except perhaps go to therapy yourself if you don't do that already. It may not help you with shifting the course of the relationship to what you hope for (only he can make the decision to address his issues, you can't influence him to do so if he's not ready or willing), but it will help you navigate the anxiety, doubt, any impact his flip flopping has on your self-esteem, and will help you deal with any stress that comes your way if he doesn't follow through on visiting or moving there. It will help you learn how to respond to him in ways that are healthy for you, and that can be priceless.

I wish you the best. I don't see signs in what you said so far that he's going to pull himself together, so you do have to prepare for that possibility. And if it happens, remember, these are his issues and you didn't cause this, it has very little to do with you. Don't abandon yourself if that happens, and lean on whatever support network you may have, friends and family, to remember that you have a full life outside him. If he does follow through, that's amazing, but give him lots of time to prove to you that he's fully in this and all his words, actions, and feelings match, before you get married! It sounds like if he comes around you need to spend quite a bit of time letting him take the lead on rebuilding the trust he has lost by being wishy-washy. Do not sell yourself short on the kind of relationship you deserve.

Is your stuff still at his place? Is it enough to have him ship it back? You'd want him to return it in that case, and then you'll have to ask him to do so. If you don't need anything from him, you can assume you're broken up and it's up to you if you want to reach out to make it official or not. He sounds more FA than DA to me, and I've had FA break up with me and not tell me because they couldn't handle any confrontation (real or perceived / imagined). But if I waited a month then they'd unfreeze and emotionally calm down enough to return my things and admit we were broken up. I'm usually all for communicating directly and honestly, but these situations are a little tricky because it may simply not be possible if one or both of you are triggered and in fight/flight/freeze/fawn self defense mode.

I'm not sure why I read it as he was moving to you. Even if he comes around, it is extremely risky for you to make a move like that and need to rely on him for legal status, at least in the relationship's current state. Again, there's no trust left for that kind of commitment without a lot of work back up to it. I personally wouldn't make a move like that unless I really wanted to whether or not he was a factor, and I had other reliable means of securing legal status.

It's still painful and probably infuriating, and you'll need time to mourn the relationship. But you should also feel lucky this happened before you moved, not after. If he does come around with another grand gesture (I noticed he proposed doing the Visa work after he went out with another woman and thought he lost you...), again, be very wary about his capacity to truly commit. If he cannot offer any reasons for his change of heart or solid plan that he sticks to for rebuilding your relationship and trust, it's a no go. I once made this mistake with an FA who wanted to reconcile and my only term was he needed to start therapy. He did not do so, we got back together anyway, and I had whiplash from how fast he dumped me again for the same reason he gave the first time. People can change but not magically and not overnight.

In the meantime, if you've noticed patterns within yourself, to get involved in long distance relationships that don't progress, to get anxious in relationships, then the best thing to do here is introspect after whatever mourning you need to do. Be kind to yourself, and then be honest. Do you have an anxious insecure attachment? Have you mostly dated insecure men? Are these the kinds of relationship dynamics you want? Are you minimizing your own needs in hopes it will help you win someone else over and earn their love? Your situation is really unfortunate, but there's a lot of good that can come out of it if you're willing to process it and explore why you were willing to try to shoulder so much of this relationship by yourself.

I left some of my stuff like new clothes I bough there because the weather was unexpectedly cold, i bought some tools (I'm a jeweler) and lab made stones i was planning to travel with but at the end I just had a lot of stuff i couldn't carry with all of them in my suitcases. He told me to leave the clothes there so I have some when I returned. He bought me a desktop so I had a space to work in, in one trip he bought me all the snow equipment saying he wanted me to buy me all the things I would need one I lived there, thats why I always thought he was being pretty serious and committed.

I have noticed that when I visit everything is easy and smooth, when he stress is when it's his turn to come see my country, friends etc. I thought it was about the money but with time i started to think it was more something like "leaving his comfort zone".

I also remember very clearly that in my second trip, we had like 8 months of relationship and he gave me this Valentine's card saying "I promise i will be a better partner for you" and that was very strange for me because at that moment we haven't had like a real big discussion or anything. Now I think he has been probably struggling in all his relationships and he is aware that he is not the best partner.

Its hard because in the good moments he is very supportive, loving, and charming, it's just when the stress take over his head he changes like he had a switch, I had some hope because he agreed he had a problem. He knows his relationship with his dad had a major effect on his life. He had depression almost all highschool and college, he was going for years to the psychiatrist and taking meds (I just found about it months ago) and during college he had his major crisis and he tried to reach out his dad who abandoned him without a work at 8 years old, looking for closure I think, but the dad was so cooky and sarcastic that my bf broke down and he told him he was going to find him and muder him (I don't think we would actually doing, I just think he was so frustrated and heartbroken and was trying to see some kind of feelings in his dad, at least fear from him) He told this to his therapist and he kept him in a mental institution 1 day or 2 in observation. Then he tried to move on with his life with therapy and I think he did big changes in his friendships and family but he never worked on romantic relationships probably because that was not very important for him at that age.

I know he was a partner because he had told me numerous times that he moved to his dream city with the plan to get a good job, good circle of friends, and a partner, he has checked all the boxes, but being fleaky with me lol.

I don't know... I have been thinking about it and I don't really want to reach out because I don't know in which state of mind he is, I don't want to receive hurtful words or more silence, it also feels like i would be doing the job for him, bringing up the break up conversation and everything.
I think I will just take the silence as "I don't want to be with you" and try to move on with that idea. If he reaches out to break up I wouldn't resist but i would like to say why I think we failed as a couple and point out his FA behaviour. If he reaches out to get back I would ask him to go to therapy, no negotiations about it, and if he never reaches out, I'll take it as a break up and wait until my heart feels better so I could handle without break up a conversation and ask him to ship my stuff (at least the gemstones, tools). At some point the embassy will send both the letter and notification of approval, and in case we break up he would need to make the cancelation of the visa because he is the petitioner... we would not be able to just run away and forgive about everything lol, he is the only one that can make this process and has to be done because if one of us is about to marry or if I'm visiting US it would pop up in their system and we both could have problems.


But yeah you are right, whatever happens I need to keep in mind that i should not get trapped in this vicious cycle with him or another person and heal my own traumas.
I used to be a very anxious partner, I have improved with experience and therapy but I still have work to do because I still feel attraction for the same kind of people and somehow in lower or higher level the story stills repeat. I think it might be because my dad is kind of a DA, him and my mom divorced and I was happy because I saw my mom suffering a lot, she was very codependent and submissive.