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Post by billiam on Nov 2, 2022 20:05:07 GMT
Looking for advice on reaching out after NC to my fearful avoidant/dismissive avoidant dumper. We had been together for 3.5 years on and off (3-4 deactivations). I had her pegged as a narcissist before on account of the seemingly very orchestrated discards. Two years in a row right after her birthday. This time I broke down and felt very used. I reacted very badly and said some very mean things to her. I now understand this to be classic AP protest behavior. I have since apologized through various means with no response. In the past it took many gushy emails to get her to open up again. I have so far (70 days) resisted that.
Now that I have looked at this through the attachment theory lens I would like to reconnect. I am going to send her a short email next week. I just want her to know what I was feeling when I blew up and get some idea of what she was going through. Is it best to limit this to “hey thinking of you we should catch up” then if she responds go from there? I would like to at least broach the subject of my new understanding of things but it seems like it’s advisable not to discuss the relationship at all as this will stir up bad feelings and she will shut down. To me (anxious preoccupied) it seems weird to have this huge fight then not mention it but then again it wouldn’t be the first time.
Please no just move on responses. The AT research really opened my eyes. I no longer see these shut downs as a selfish person abusing me purposefully. I see it as a scared child just trying to find a way to survive. I feel I can respond better knowing this. Honestly it was a great relationship otherwise. Over those 3.5 years if we could have just magically plucked 5-6 days out of it it would have been perfect. We had talked about furthering the relationship but I think that’s what brought all this on. She had a 10 year marriage.
Thanks for reading.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2022 2:44:13 GMT
In my opinion emailing about a relationship, or texting, is lame. A phone call if you want to relate in a genuine way, and no games or posturing just say what you have to say.
This business of tailoring your approach seems a bit controlling or manipulative, angling for one response while trying to avoid another? Just do you, simple and clean. If this person can meet a genuine approach in a healthy available way, and is interested, then that's one thing. If not, then that's another. My money is on the latter, at least in the long run and you can't influence that butit will take you time to work that out..
Either way you can't go through life or a relationship having to research this hard just to reach out. I've always tended to just say what I mean and take that chance and then accept the outcome..
My opinion, I'm just one person on the net so take it or leave it, not coming from a bad place just offering a perspective.
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Post by billiam on Nov 3, 2022 13:49:46 GMT
Thank you for your input. My goal is to show that I have thought long and hard about our situation, understand the problems we faced, and found concrete steps to mitigate them in the future (example below). It's a paradox. I feel like if I get too heavy into that stuff right away her avoidance will get triggered and she'll just shut down again. However if don't address the elephant in the room it seems cold and impersonal.
One of our issues was she would always try to hijack my alone time with my friends by calling and texting. This annoyed me but I always caved, looked like a bad friend in front of my friends, would have a cold distant conversation with her then hold onto that resentment for days. Since I have been educating myself on better communication methods it should have went something like this:
"I know you miss me when I'm not around and that makes me feel like you truly love me. However in order for me to participate in the relationship I need to have a little uninterrupted time to myself. When I get that and I come back to you I feel respected and that makes it easier for me to focus on being loving and affectionate towards you."
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Post by mrob on Nov 3, 2022 16:33:27 GMT
I think it might be helpful to look at your desire to reconnect through the anxious lens. Any contact will stop your rumination temporarily. I suggest to you that your reasons could be possibly valid, but the desire to make contact really originates from this need to calm the rumination and have nothing to do with the perceived reasons. That’s my experience from the anxious side.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 3, 2022 16:58:16 GMT
Thank you for your input. My goal is to show that I have thought long and hard about our situation, understand the problems we faced, and found concrete steps to mitigate them in the future (example below). It's a paradox. I feel like if I get too heavy into that stuff right away her avoidance will get triggered and she'll just shut down again. However if don't address the elephant in the room it seems cold and impersonal. One of our issues was she would always try to hijack my alone time with my friends by calling and texting. This annoyed me but I always caved, looked like a bad friend in front of my friends, would have a cold distant conversation with her then hold onto that resentment for days. Since I have been educating myself on better communication methods it should have went something like this: "I know you miss me when I'm not around and that makes me feel like you truly love me. However in order for me to participate in the relationship I need to have a little uninterrupted time to myself. When I get that and I come back to you I feel respected and that makes it easier for me to focus on being loving and affectionate towards you." Just a piece of advice…never, never speak on behalf of the other person…..if you are going to write anything, then stick with “I” or “me” statements. One of the pitfalls of having an anxious lens is mind reading and it can come across as presumptive/selfish/manipulative and tends to result in the opposite of what you are desiring. I understand why you want to reach out…because I tend to have an anxious lens also….but with therapy and looking at how my desires are sometimes contrary to what is best….I now take a pause before acting on anything. |
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Post by billiam on Nov 3, 2022 19:25:42 GMT
Thank you mrob and tnr9. I get it that it's my anxious side most likely pushing this. I do have a therapy appointment Monday and I am going to bring this up. Then after that make a final decision. For what's it's worth I have intended to do this a couple times but have talked myself out of it thus far. I think now I'm prepared to not be crushed if it doesn't go the way I want but we'll see.
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Post by mrob on Nov 7, 2022 6:11:26 GMT
To both of you above, that longing is the attachment wound in action, and what needs to be addressed, rather than what they other party does. It I as possible to haltingly become secure.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2022 12:03:11 GMT
To both of you above, that longing is the attachment wound in action, and what needs to be addressed, rather than what they other party does. It I as possible to haltingly become secure. Right, the willingness to hold on while someone dismisses you is a recreation of your own attachment trauma. The unavailable partner is playing out their own dramas just like you are, and the reconciliation fantasy is just that, a fantasy which perpetuates this whole entanglement. If you're going to read anything about attachment theory, read about your own clinging style and recognize that by perpetuating these narratives you are staying stuck, it's an illusion to think that understanding your unavailable partner you can put together the puzzle. Working on the "puzzle" of an insecure relationship is strictly an anxious preoccupation, insecurity in action. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 7, 2022 14:33:01 GMT
While you’re absolutely right @introvert , getting here is a bit like step 0. I read Jeb’s “bad boyfriends” book, and saw myself. I’d highly recommend OP and the replier have a read as well.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2022 14:57:02 GMT
While you’re absolutely right @introvert , getting here is a bit like step 0. I read Jeb’s “bad boyfriends” book, and saw myself. I’d highly recommend OP and the replier have a read as well. Agreed, getting here is hitting bottom for most I'd say. I wasn't at bottom when I started posting but have gone through significant growing pains while here. Awareness of when your insecure mechanisms are in play is an important step in outgrowing them. That's why I think it's important to understand that the longing itself is the problem... there's no fixing external. If there is this romanticized longing for an unavailable person in play, then it's Red Flag City.. all on the inside. Even avoidants experience it, often to someone completely absent or even unknown. The pining is the injury, unhealed. |
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Post by billiam on Nov 7, 2022 18:13:10 GMT
While you’re absolutely right @introvert , getting here is a bit like step 0. I read Jeb’s “bad boyfriends” book, and saw myself. I’d highly recommend OP and the replier have a read as well. I will check this out I am plowing through Attached by Amir Levine as everyone recommends it. Seems the overwhelming opinion is that anxious-avoidant relationships are doomed and more detrimental to the anxious person and Levine seems to agree. 73nikt - I will let you know I'm planning on reaching out this week but as it get's closer I'm kind of wondering if I'll actually go through with it. The draft of what I'm going to send has been cut down to what basically amounts to bread crumbing. It's kind of like the attachment system is slowly becoming deactivated. The first draft was pages and pages, now it's barely a paragraph. |
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