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Post by sadanxious on Nov 10, 2022 4:51:55 GMT
Me and my boyfriend (heavy DA) have been together for almost a year, things started out great in the beginning where he seemed very secure.
Me being an anxious, i am always hyper-vigilant of every little change in his demeanour or words, my protest behaviour caused this relationship to deteriorate over time where DA would stonewall and ghost me instead of fixing the problem.
My DA has a history of short term relationships, that ends less than a year. On August 2022, after constant fights and arguments due to me being activated, he broke up with me (not in a direct way), and ghosted me for about a month until i went up to his place and begged him to come back to me. He agreed to give our relationship another try.
Since then, i have been walking on eggshells, and can't express my true feelings about things, and would not dare to even communicate anything that is emotional as it would trigger him so much no matter how i say it, i have also tried my best to change my ways, and be more secure. It would affect my work as i cannot focus on anything but googling/finding ways online to find solutions so he won't deactivate and leave me ever again (i am currently writing this in my office).
He have broken up with me again by October 2022, and every time i would beg and he would try to stay with me again. But said the relationship can never be the same as before, and he blamed it all on me.
By November 2022, a week before my birthday he broke up again with me, and all the times he broke up with me, he would always say "That he is not deserving," "He loves me that is why he wants to let go of me so that i can find a guy who deserves me and can give me what i need.", "Future with him is not certain, and he wants to let me go to find that certainty elsewhere.", "He wants to be alone forever". This time, he is meaner than before compared to the first time he broke up with me, but i begged again, and he stayed yet again. The weird thing is that when he broke up he would be so mean, but after he decided to stay again he would return the physical affection, say he love me and talk to me normally again via text.
What should i do to fix/keep this relationship? What should i do or not do to ensure that he is not triggered and leave me? and do you guys think he actually loves me? Please give me an advice that does not include leaving him as right now i am not emotionally strong enough to do that.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 10, 2022 8:41:50 GMT
Me and my boyfriend (heavy DA) have been together for almost a year, things started out great in the beginning where he seemed very secure. Me being an anxious, i am always hyper-vigilant of every little change in his demeanour or words, my protest behaviour caused this relationship to deteriorate over time where DA would stonewall and ghost me instead of fixing the problem. My DA has a history of short term relationships, that ends less than a year. On August 2022, after constant fights and arguments due to me being activated, he broke up with me (not in a direct way), and ghosted me for about a month until i went up to his place and begged him to come back to me. He agreed to give our relationship another try. Since then, i have been walking on eggshells, and can't express my true feelings about things, and would not dare to even communicate anything that is emotional as it would trigger him so much no matter how i say it, i have also tried my best to change my ways, and be more secure. It would affect my work as i cannot focus on anything but googling/finding ways online to find solutions so he won't deactivate and leave me ever again (i am currently writing this in my office). He have broken up with me again by October 2022, and every time i would beg and he would try to stay with me again. But said the relationship can never be the same as before, and he blamed it all on me. By November 2022, a week before my birthday he broke up again with me, and all the times he broke up with me, he would always say "That he is not deserving," "He loves me that is why he wants to let go of me so that i can find a guy who deserves me and can give me what i need.", "Future with him is not certain, and he wants to let me go to find that certainty elsewhere.", "He wants to be alone forever". This time, he is meaner than before compared to the first time he broke up with me, but i begged again, and he stayed yet again. The weird thing is that when he broke up he would be so mean, but after he decided to stay again he would return the physical affection, say he love me and talk to me normally again via text. What should i do to fix/keep this relationship? What should i do or not do to ensure that he is not triggered and leave me? and do you guys think he actually loves me? Please give me an advice that does not include leaving him as right now i am not emotionally strong enough to do that. it sounds like the guy you have been dating is FA with DA tendencies. For this “relationship” to work…both of you would need to decide to work on your own attachment issues as individuals and then decide whether you are a good match for each other…there isn’t a way that you can pretzel yourself in order to fix/keep him. That is one of the biggest lies of the AP thinking….that somehow you can singlehandedly cause a shift in the relationship dynamics through simply changing yourself. It doesn’t work. I know because I have been exactly where you are…afraid to lose a relationship and looking for any glimmer of hope that by understanding attachment theory I could change the outcome. I know that is not the answer you are looking for….but it is the truth. I am not going to tell you to leave him…I am however going to suggest that you take a small step towards being an advocate for yourself and that is to find a really good therapist. My recommendation is to find an SE therapist who can help you to find your voice and your strength. That is what I chose to do after struggling for so long to “keep” “win back” a guy who also was FA with DA tendencies. I had lost all sense of who I was because I was so hyper focused on him….but once I chose to see an SE therapist…I got “me” back. If you want…you can read back over my posts to see how I have changed and then decide if this is the right road for you. |
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Post by sadanxious on Nov 10, 2022 9:51:27 GMT
Thank you so much for your reply, I've always identified him as a DA all this time, and after looking at the signs of a FA, he might actually be like you said, FA with DA Tendencies. I have actually been seeing a therapist, apart from being an AP I also have BPD, which also contributes heavily to my fear of abandonment.
I just crave to feel secure in my relationship, but he is very hot and cold and it kills me every single day, not knowing when he will dump me next.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 10, 2022 10:12:21 GMT
Thank you so much for your reply, I've always identified him as a DA all this time, and after looking at the signs of a FA, he might actually be like you said, FA with DA Tendencies. I have actually been seeing a therapist, apart from being an AP I also have BPD, which also contributes heavily to my fear of abandonment. I just crave to feel secure in my relationship, but he is very hot and cold and it kills me every single day, not knowing when he will dump me next. I get it…..unfortunately, this guy you have been dating is not secure….so although you crave security (which, btw we all want)…he is not going to be capable of providing that to you. He will feel one foot in and one foot out…because that is how his FA tendencies come out. And that is because he has 2 fears…fear of abandonment…that will come across as hot…and fear of engulfment….that will come across as cold. And these fear signals come from his own nervous system…not from you. If he is unaware of his attachment style…then he will blame you for these fears instead of recognizing that the source is from himself. If he was always cold…you could move on, if he was always hot…you likely get bored…but it is these “shifts” that keep you hooked and feeling like you are walking on eggshells….which by the way…is just your own nervous system being triggered. Have you discussed this with your therapist? |
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Post by sadanxious on Nov 10, 2022 10:56:25 GMT
Thank you so much for your reply, I've always identified him as a DA all this time, and after looking at the signs of a FA, he might actually be like you said, FA with DA Tendencies. I have actually been seeing a therapist, apart from being an AP I also have BPD, which also contributes heavily to my fear of abandonment. I just crave to feel secure in my relationship, but he is very hot and cold and it kills me every single day, not knowing when he will dump me next. I get it…..unfortunately, this guy you have been dating is not secure….so although you crave security (which, btw we all want)…he is not going to be capable of providing that to you. He will feel one foot in and one foot out…because that is how his FA tendencies come out. And that is because he has 2 fears…fear of abandonment…that will come across as hot…and fear of engulfment….that will come across as cold. And these fear signals come from his own nervous system…not from you. If he is unaware of his attachment style…then he will blame you for these fears instead of recognizing that the source is from himself. If he was always cold…you could move on, if he was always hot…you likely get bored…but it is these “shifts” that keep you hooked and feeling like you are walking on eggshells….which by the way…is just your own nervous system being triggered. Have you discussed this with your therapist? Yes, you are so right. He blames me for our relationship being ruined, and he said that in his mind we are not compatible, and not right for each other. It hurts to hear this, especially when i'm trying my best to fight for this relationship. I was previously in a relationship with a SE, but i found it boring (i didn't realise it until now). Maybe now is the time i learn to appreciate SE. How do i know then, whether he is just projecting his attachment issues or he truly loves me? Do you think he means it when he says that he wants to leave me so that i can find someone who deserves me because he loves me? Like what you said previously, i can't possibly be the only one making this relationship work. But to me, he is very emotionally under developed due to his family upbringing, and he explicitly told me that he is so tired of all this emotional talk and nonsense. This fact made me very scared of trying to bring anything up to him with the intention of actually fixing our issues. He just find that every time i bring up our problems, that i am causing a fight or argument despite how i say it... Other people would ask me to focus on myself, but i find it very very difficult especially during this time. I have discussed this with my therapist, and my nervous system being triggered + BPD translates to impulsivity. Where i would actually go to his house when he broke up with me just to plead my case, i honestly don't know if he decided to stay just out of pity or feelings that he actually still have for me.. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2022 14:38:52 GMT
Realistically, all you need to do to keep the relationship is keep doing what you are doing. Stay in the cycle because that is all it will ever be, it will remain the same as it has been with breakups and reunions and a Rollercoaster just as you have described. If you are currently broken up, then try to beg and see if he is willing to continue. If he is, then you will see more of what you have seen before. If you continue to walk on eggshells you can possibly postpone another mean breakup. There is no reason to think that things will improve, but you may be able to maintain the status quo if you prefer that to giving up at this time.
Unfortunately, no one here will be able to offer more than your therapist can in terms of realistic options to fix the relationship, because he would have to be asking that of his own therapist. You are living according to your insecure attachment and BPD and when those things are predominant, relationships cannot be much different than you have experienced here.
It's a painful truth that this relationship is not and will not be what you wish it was, but radical acceptance is in order and I truly wish you health and healing, when you are ready to make steps in that direction.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2022 16:33:15 GMT
Wanted to add that this perspective I've shared is gained over time, At midlife, I'm going through an awareness and acceptance process myself and I believe all people, if they are awake and aware, continually must face realities that are unpleasant right along with realities that we enjoy.
I've also come to know that we face consequences for our beliefs and the actions that arise from those beliefs. When I believed and behaved in ways destructive to myself, I suffered consequences from that and it is inevitable that if you are willing to tolerate unhealthy dynamics, even if that is all you can muster, you will hurt. It's inevitable and I'm not unempathetic, I have faced much pain and loss in my own life when I didn't know how to do better.
The real truth is that breakups and instability are a consequence of unhealthy relating and you simply cannot fix that without choosing change in your choices, since you cannot choose change in HIM or the relationship. It's not all within your control. As long as you hold on to the belief that you can avoid destructive relationship issues by attemoting to control the situation by remaining in it and trying to get the outcome you desire, you will suffer the consequences of that. We all have wished for the solution that didn't require loss of some kind, but that is the delusional thinking of insecurity coupled with resistance to change and the unknown. We've all been there and the only way out is out, by letting go of toxic relationships and being alone a while to work on our own issues.
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Post by cherrycola on Nov 10, 2022 20:01:49 GMT
Like what you said previously, i can't possibly be the only one making this relationship work. But to me, he is very emotionally under developed due to his family upbringing, and he explicitly told me that he is so tired of all this emotional talk and nonsense. This fact made me very scared of trying to bring anything up to him with the intention of actually fixing our issues. He just find that every time i bring up our problems, that i am causing a fight or argument despite how i say it... Unfortunately, you can't love him into being emotionally mature, it just doesn't work that way. So what do you think is going to change if you go back to this relationship for another round? You already said you have tried to communicate your needs in different ways but all of them upset him. Even if he does love you, does it matter? You don't seem to be feeling very loved right now. I have BPD myself and my counsellor helped me narrow down my list of relationship needs and #1 on that list because of my BPD is emotional safety. So while I am 100% responsible for managing my own emotions and trying to fulfill my own needs, I need someone that when I get unregulated it isn't going to cause them to become triggered. I assure you those people are out there. I'm not saying your partner is never going to get triggered but someone who is more emotionally mature can deal with their own triggers. For example, when triggered I often respond with flight. I dated someone who this was HIGHLY triggering for, and it was partly why he ended things. But I have also dated men who while they didn't like it, it didn't trigger them. So I could freak out, run away and they would be waiting with open arms to understand what had gotten me so upset. The amazing thing about this is, they made it feel very safe to return. So then, along with my own work, my triggers to run got smaller and smaller because I knew if I just told them what was bothering me, they were open to hear it. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 10, 2022 21:55:44 GMT
For perspective, I’m an FA man who has come a long way. I’ve dated two women with BPD, one unknowingly at first, the other I knew from the start. It’s difficult, but not impossible. Some of her idiosyncrasies fitted in with mine. In the end, and I see the irony in this, I couldn’t cope with the FA style running away, even though she’d come back within minutes. The time between episodes became shorter and the cutting things (her illness) would say became nastier. I had to protect myself. I knew it wasn’t her, it was the illness. I could cope with it until I couldn’t. Then, oh my goodness. I’m grateful she only came around once. If she persisted, I would have called the police. I’ve never been in that position. Ultimately, it’s his choice who he has in his life, as to an extent it is yours. I’m sorry.
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