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Post by kailani on Nov 23, 2022 3:07:29 GMT
I’ve posted before and I am happy to say I am doing pretty well despite a blindside breakup (2 actually) in almost 2 yers. I believe my ex is FA w dismissive traits. Or maybe he is DA. I really waver if I think about it .The 2nd one he was cold, and kind of blaming and news to me..just needs to heal and get better and ‘this is too hard’, and he can’t do this he can’t get better doing what we are doing ,he’s still dealing W the last blindside(yes he was sad, anxious and didn’t seem to want to do it), etc. He never communicated anything about space, and always wanted to be with me constant text, etc. So trust me this was s a huge surprise. I was so sad.
8 months passed and out of the blue he contacted me. Texted. For something small, but was very engaged in our convo, answering right away, etc. Well turns out we live in same area, and are part of a lot of the same things, and are in close quarters from time to time.
Problem- from the day after he texted me and we see each other he sees me but will not even say hello or just ignores me. I am a stranger. He will talk if he has to, but just if need be in the group. It really stung me..not bc I wanted him back, but rather bc I am just cordial to people overall. I don’t hate him despite. I loved this person very much for 2 years and he was great minus the last breakup. I t really hurt. But this is taking it up a level again..and actually helped me move on.
After the initial ignore I texted about a week later to ask if he wanted to grab coffee and he answered that he did not really want to do that. And ofc kept on ignoring me.
So here is my latest. I have to say I have been ok. I am not really interested in dating or getting back or at this point even being friends with him. We do have mutual acquaintances. He has signed up for many activities I have interested and experience in (his new Inter eres ts>??)…
Last weekend I was dining w a friend, who he is acquaintance with from this social group. He decided to pull up a chair and sit with us without asking (and ignoring me for 2 months). My friend knows what happened in fact she is the ONLY person I told even life friends don’t know. She knew I was taken back inside, not bc he sat tehre..but bc he did that without even asking and he is basically being the way he is.. She was going to say something to him but thought i would have and didn’t want to Overstep.
HE sat there for an hour, and in and contributed, but we noticed he would not look at me at all. She noticed it too, but was waiting for me to say something to him. I decided not to. And observe this is crazy. I also found out that he had seen her a few days prior and actually asked her if that was xyz (ME) she was with the other day. (It was..I do not acknowledge him anymore).
When she got up to get something…silence at my table and he picked up his phone.
My friend is pretty intuitive, and did not think he seemed normal, almost dissociated and that he was talking to her but wanting me to hear. He has me still on all social media, and even a pic of us,(link) on his page. He was never a person to post stories, but I find he is posting whatever he is doing now if it is not the usual mundane. I should add I saw him the next day dining, and ofc he ignored me when I was alone. He does not look me in the face,and tbh —-I just feel—I meant less then I even thought,. But ok it is what it is
Can someone tell me if you wanted to avoid someone THAT much, why would you sit with us like that when for months he ignored me? I have decided also he know the day we split he would never contact me again, unbeknownst to me (“I need space RIGHT NOW).
I would appreciate the insight. As I said I am ok, I got past the ignoring and hurt of that. (That was a setback kind of at first), but this is so bizarre I can’t even understand if this is more than avoidance..or something else happening in there.
Is it to get my attention? Is it to hurt me or control things? It is almost a year since we split.
Thanks for opinions.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2022 5:45:39 GMT
This is very rude behavior, to invite himself to your table and ignore you for an hour. May I ask, why did you allow it? My guess is he has or thinks he has some kind of power over you, and he is very childish.
If it were me, I'd have asked him to excuse himself and not given him any more opportunity to act out his little drama.
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Post by kailani on Nov 23, 2022 6:07:24 GMT
Right? I think I was in shock a little bit and sheer curiosity like…what is next this is so bizarre. I also think it childish that you cannot be cordial to people who have done you no wrong.
My friend and I spoke already that if it happens again we are saying some thing right away.
We always see him alone. Not sure if we are who he feels comfortable with but…I also wondered the power thing.
He may think it but nope…he has zero. Besides curiosity but that would always be there.
Thanks..
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 23, 2022 7:50:04 GMT
Right? I think I was in shock a little bit and sheer curiosity like…what is next this is so bizarre. I also think it childish that you cannot be cordial to people who have done you no wrong. My friend and I spoke already that if it happens again we are saying some thing right away. We always see him alone. Not sure if we are who he feels comfortable with but…I also wondered the power thing. He may think it but nope…he has zero. Besides curiosity but that would always be there. Thanks.. I would remove any connection to him…social media etc It also sounds like there is more going on then just an attachment issue. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 23, 2022 10:08:27 GMT
I think it’s textbook FA. It gets too much, go away. You go too far, come back. Moderate the emotions by being close but not entirely engaged.
His behaviour is crap, but you’re allowing it as well. You’re getting the hope of being together again, the intermittent reinforcement that would do anyone over, especially an AP.
Your choice is, stay with the crazymaking or move out of orbit, because while he can, he will. He has his own attachment issues as you have yours.
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Post by kailani on Nov 23, 2022 15:53:02 GMT
I think it’s textbook FA. It gets too much, go away. You go too far, come back. Moderate the emotions by being close but not entirely engaged. His behaviour is crap, but you’re allowing it as well. You’re getting the hope of being together again, the intermittent reinforcement that would do anyone over, especially an AP. Your choice is, stay with the crazymaking or move out of orbit, because while he can, he will. He has his own attachment issues as you have yours. Absolutely do not want to go back at all. I don’t even want to be friends with him. I can’t trust what comes out of his mouth or even behavior. That option is not and has not been on the table for a little while. No hope or desire here at all. I don’t even care at this point also if I see him w someone else’ He intruded in my/our space. I am not in his orbit—I can’t help that we are at the same university and I am certainly not giving up my clubs/interests that I like because of him. I ignore him now as well but my true self I so say hello to people normally. Despite our breakup I could have been cordial until the BS ignoring started.But not now. I am actually secure so I am not sure what you are talking the issue I have. (Not that I am perfect, but no issues going on here now) i just found it contradictory an FA would put himself in our space like that. Maybe it is worse….if it is a control issue it is worse. |
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Post by kailani on Nov 23, 2022 15:53:29 GMT
Right? I think I was in shock a little bit and sheer curiosity like…what is next this is so bizarre. I also think it childish that you cannot be cordial to people who have done you no wrong. My friend and I spoke already that if it happens again we are saying some thing right away. We always see him alone. Not sure if we are who he feels comfortable with but…I also wondered the power thing. He may think it but nope…he has zero. Besides curiosity but that would always be there. Thanks.. I would remove any connection to him…social media etc It also sounds like there is more going on then just an attachment issue. |
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Post by kailani on Nov 23, 2022 15:53:47 GMT
I am thinking so as well.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2022 16:02:33 GMT
Are you able to simply accept that his behavior is uncomfortable for you without analyzing it? It doesn't matter why he is doing whatever he is doing, all that really matters is you are spending time and energy on it to no avail. No matter what anyone here guesses, it's just a guess.
You can ask him directly and see what he says.
You can create a boundary around yourself so that he is not entitled to behave in ways uncomfortable, in your space.
His problems are not really your business, what is your business is how you dedicate energy to his problems, and how you allow him to affect you.
We actually aren't entitled to greetings or acknowledgment from anyone, uts a matter of courtesy and if someone lacks courtesy then we can know what to expect and choose to distance. That would include not welcoming him at your table. If your curiosity prevails then I'd suggest going to the source of the behavior, him, and asking direct questions as mind reading is fruitless.
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Post by kailani on Nov 23, 2022 17:02:05 GMT
I had a problem w not greeting at first. That bothered me but I am past that.
I am a curious person about human nature so it is natural for me to wonder why. Even if it was not my situation but a a friend, I would probably internally think about the why.
I thought about asking him and someday I will, if given the appropriate time and place but tbh who can trust reasons coming from his confusing place. I am not going to text or call him about it bc I don’t ‘care’ that much and don’t want it to be perceived as such.
I am comfortable bc it was just one more thing solidifying me making the right choice before to not wish for anything with him (ex friendship). That stopped about 2 months ago.
We(friend and I) did decide to make a boundary should it happen again. I think we were just shocked about it like WTH.
I guess I was just looking for other avoidants’ answers to figure out if they would actually do something like that (ignore, yet intrude space and then retract again). I didn’t think that was quite the typical way to do it.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 23, 2022 21:36:08 GMT
Are you able to simply accept that his behavior is uncomfortable for you without analyzing it? It doesn't matter why he is doing whatever he is doing, all that really matters is you are spending time and energy on it to no avail. No matter what anyone here guesses, it's just a guess. You can ask him directly and see what he says. You can create a boundary around yourself so that he is not entitled to behave in ways uncomfortable, in your space. His problems are not really your business, what is your business is how you dedicate energy to his problems, and how you allow him to affect you. We actually aren't entitled to greetings or acknowledgment from anyone, uts a matter of courtesy and if someone lacks courtesy then we can know what to expect and choose to distance. That would include not welcoming him at your table. If your curiosity prevails then I'd suggest going to the source of the behavior, him, and asking direct questions as mind reading is fruitless. I feel like somehow we have touched a nerve here introvert….and it was not intended. I can see how suggesting there might be more then an attachment issue could come across as a boundary violation….but he isn’t here and we are just speculating. People interpret others behaviors and actions all the time whether it is their business or not. I do agree that fixating on him is not the path forward…but ignoring social queues is not something I would have noted as an FA or DA attachment trait. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 23, 2022 21:45:53 GMT
I had a problem w not greeting at first. That bothered me but I am past that. I am a curious person about human nature so it is natural for me to wonder why. Even if it was not my situation but a a friend, I would probably internally think about the why. I thought about asking him and someday I will, if given the appropriate time and place but tbh who can trust reasons coming from his confusing place. I am not going to text or call him about it bc I don’t ‘care’ that much and don’t want it to be perceived as such. I am comfortable bc it was just one more thing solidifying me making the right choice before to not wish for anything with him (ex friendship). That stopped about 2 months ago. We(friend and I) did decide to make a boundary should it happen again. I think we were just shocked about it like WTH. I guess I was just looking for other avoidants’ answers to figure out if they would actually do something like that (ignore, yet intrude space and then retract again). I didn’t think that was quite the typical way to do it. I think most AP or AP leaning attachment individuals have a curiosity with the human condition due to an inclination to focus on the “other”. However, to introvert’s point above….unless you speak directly to him….it will only be speculation. That is why I was suggesting to cut ties with him altogether…because as long as you are in contact with him…you are part of this dance. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 23, 2022 21:56:17 GMT
Yes, I've experienced things like this. FA are reactive. They do whatever feels right to them in the moment, which may not be consistent from moment to moment. Something triggered him into wanting to be included. May or may not have had anything to do with you, may or may not be because there's more mental health issues on his end comorbid with attachment issues. Insecure attachers universally have bad boundaries, so if something is bothering you, it's on you to figure out your needs and stick to them. You can't expect someone with issues to understand it, think the same way as you, or mindread and respect your boundaries for you. The important thing here is he made you uncomfortable. So next time if he tries to join you can either speak up about it ("my friend and I are having a private conversation now, I'm sorry but it isn't a good time") or you can proactively tell him one of these days that you'd rather be polite and cordial if you're going to see each other around, and then he can agree or not agree. Otherwise there's not much else to analyze.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2022 22:37:22 GMT
Are you able to simply accept that his behavior is uncomfortable for you without analyzing it? It doesn't matter why he is doing whatever he is doing, all that really matters is you are spending time and energy on it to no avail. No matter what anyone here guesses, it's just a guess. You can ask him directly and see what he says. You can create a boundary around yourself so that he is not entitled to behave in ways uncomfortable, in your space. His problems are not really your business, what is your business is how you dedicate energy to his problems, and how you allow him to affect you. We actually aren't entitled to greetings or acknowledgment from anyone, uts a matter of courtesy and if someone lacks courtesy then we can know what to expect and choose to distance. That would include not welcoming him at your table. If your curiosity prevails then I'd suggest going to the source of the behavior, him, and asking direct questions as mind reading is fruitless. I feel like somehow we have touched a nerve here introvert….and it was not intended. I can see how suggesting there might be more then an attachment issue could come across as a boundary violation….but he isn’t here and we are just speculating. People interpret others behaviors and actions all the time whether it is their business or not. I do agree that fixating on him is not the path forward…but ignoring social queues is not something I would have noted as an FA or DA attachment trait. I don't undersrand; there is no nerve being touched over here haha. I think his behavior as described is ridiculous but I don't have any feeling about the whole thing... It being none of her business isn't spoken in any kind of a tone other than this kind of speculation is fruitless in my opinion. It's all actually none of my business, just responding to her query with a perspective.  |
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Post by kailani on Nov 23, 2022 23:01:30 GMT
I had a problem w not greeting at first. That bothered me but I am past that. I am a curious person about human nature so it is natural for me to wonder why. Even if it was not my situation but a a friend, I would probably internally think about the why. I thought about asking him and someday I will, if given the appropriate time and place but tbh who can trust reasons coming from his confusing place. I am not going to text or call him about it bc I don’t ‘care’ that much and don’t want it to be perceived as such. I am comfortable bc it was just one more thing solidifying me making the right choice before to not wish for anything with him (ex friendship). That stopped about 2 months ago. We(friend and I) did decide to make a boundary should it happen again. I think we were just shocked about it like WTH. I guess I was just looking for other avoidants’ answers to figure out if they would actually do something like that (ignore, yet intrude space and then retract again). I didn’t think that was quite the typical way to do it. I think most AP or AP leaning attachment individuals have a curiosity with the human condition due to an inclination to focus on the “other”. However, to introvert’s point above….unless you speak directly to him….it will only be speculation. That is why I was suggesting to cut ties with him altogether…because as long as you are in contact with him…you are part of this dance. Unfortunately for the foreseeable future, I will be in contact direct or indirect. I can’t cut ties in that regard without being a hermit. I am not sure I agree about the AP part and being curious..bc in my case it spills over to everything including my profession..so I am definitely in the right profession  . Im looking at the ‘other’ bc the other is the one who behaved oddly IMO. There are are a few others things in the past since the b/u I dind’t meant which made me question wth is going on, but I didn’t list those here. AT or not, to me it is just odd and inappropriate behavior. For example if that was me, I would be wondering what the others are thinking of me (does her friend know?)? Like I don’t understand how he would not ‘pause’ before even approaching our table. The intro was ‘How are you guys doing?” But he never made eye contact w me but would not leave. |
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. Im looking at the ‘other’ bc the other is the one who behaved oddly IMO.