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Post by kailani on Nov 23, 2022 23:09:38 GMT
I feel like somehow we have touched a nerve here introvert….and it was not intended. I can see how suggesting there might be more then an attachment issue could come across as a boundary violation….but he isn’t here and we are just speculating. People interpret others behaviors and actions all the time whether it is their business or not. I do agree that fixating on him is not the path forward…but ignoring social queues is not something I would have noted as an FA or DA attachment trait. I don't undersrand; there is no nerve being touched over here haha. I think his behavior as described is ridiculous but I don't have any feeling about the whole thing... It being none of her business isn't spoken in any kind of a tone other than this kind of speculation is fruitless in my opinion. It's all actually none of my business, just responding to her query with a perspective.  Yes and plus I mentioned there are few other past instances of ‘things’ that are making me wonder. ( I did not detail here) And yes…thanks tnr9 I was wondering if common to ignore social cues is related to the Attachment. I feel it must be related to not seeing how the look…bc for example IMO it is not socially popular to blindside someone yet certain styles do that (as an example).. So that was my basis in asking the question..Did he miss the cue it’s not acceptable? Sure it can be a personality or not…I get that. |
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Post by kailani on Nov 23, 2022 23:13:20 GMT
Yes, I've experienced things like this. FA are reactive. They do whatever feels right to them in the moment, which may not be consistent from moment to moment. Something triggered him into wanting to be included. May or may not have had anything to do with you, may or may not be because there's more mental health issues on his end comorbid with attachment issues. Insecure attachers universally have bad boundaries, so if something is bothering you, it's on you to figure out your needs and stick to them. You can't expect someone with issues to understand it, think the same way as you, or mindread and respect your boundaries for you. The important thing here is he made you uncomfortable. So next time if he tries to join you can either speak up about it ("my friend and I are having a private conversation now, I'm sorry but it isn't a good time") or you can proactively tell him one of these days that you'd rather be polite and cordial if you're going to see each other around, and then he can agree or not agree. Otherwise there's not much else to analyze. This is a great answer and way to look at it. I guess I was verbalizing here my thoughts and just sounding off. If he does again I am going to remind him it is inappropriate since he is not acknowledging me otherwise,and if he does not even think for second people others think it is inappropriate (they do). That is the thing . I offered around 2 months ago to meet/coffee so things not awkward (was going to say look I can say hello, etc). But he chose not to meet and ignore. YET ok to intrude my table?? No |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 23, 2022 23:52:58 GMT
I think most AP or AP leaning attachment individuals have a curiosity with the human condition due to an inclination to focus on the “other”. However, to introvert’s point above….unless you speak directly to him….it will only be speculation. That is why I was suggesting to cut ties with him altogether…because as long as you are in contact with him…you are part of this dance. Unfortunately for the foreseeable future, I will be in contact direct or indirect. I can’t cut ties in that regard without being a hermit. I am not sure I agree about the AP part and being curious..bc in my case it spills over to everything including my profession..so I am definitely in the right profession  . Im looking at the ‘other’ bc the other is the one who behaved oddly IMO. There are are a few others things in the past since the b/u I dind’t meant which made me question wth is going on, but I didn’t list those here. AT or not, to me it is just odd and inappropriate behavior. For example if that was me, I would be wondering what the others are thinking of me (does her friend know?)? Like I don’t understand how he would not ‘pause’ before even approaching our table. The intro was ‘How are you guys doing?” But he never made eye contact w me but would not leave. I understand….I have been on these boards long enough to see it as a trend and being other focused is part of the AP dynamic. I think at this point…if his behavior makes you uncomfortable, it would probably make sense to take Alexandra’s advice and mention it to him. That way, the focus changes from trying to figure him out to empowering your response. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 23, 2022 23:58:11 GMT
I feel like somehow we have touched a nerve here introvert….and it was not intended. I can see how suggesting there might be more then an attachment issue could come across as a boundary violation….but he isn’t here and we are just speculating. People interpret others behaviors and actions all the time whether it is their business or not. I do agree that fixating on him is not the path forward…but ignoring social queues is not something I would have noted as an FA or DA attachment trait. I don't undersrand; there is no nerve being touched over here haha. I think his behavior as described is ridiculous but I don't have any feeling about the whole thing... It being none of her business isn't spoken in any kind of a tone other than this kind of speculation is fruitless in my opinion. It's all actually none of my business, just responding to her query with a perspective. Ah….ok…then it was my interpretation of your post….likely read it through my mom lens….🙂 |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2022 5:27:17 GMT
I don't undersrand; there is no nerve being touched over here haha. I think his behavior as described is ridiculous but I don't have any feeling about the whole thing... It being none of her business isn't spoken in any kind of a tone other than this kind of speculation is fruitless in my opinion. It's all actually none of my business, just responding to her query with a perspective. Ah….ok…then it was my interpretation of your post….likely read it through my mom lens….🙂 Understandable, but no I once was with a guy that behaved in ways that didn't seem normal and it threw me for a loop, because it caused me to question myself but what I learned was- what he did didn't matter, what I did was the important part. I don't like stuff that feels destabilizing to me and I avoid being around it. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Nov 24, 2022 10:44:55 GMT
Hi kailani, my most recent ex who has strong FA tendencies has been circling around my orbit for the last few months... we live in the same community, and there have been SO many times where it has appeared that he's tried to bump into me... parking his car or hanging out in places he knows I'll be, doing a U-turn in his car when he drove past me and parking right next to me etc etc... I've avoided all of these attempts by either looking away or crossing the road etc... but he did actually manage to corner me (literally) in a public place recently, where I was polite but made it clear I was not pleased to see him, and didn't want to carry on a conversation. My children were with me so it wasn't the time to speak directly, but I feel that the situation very much warrants a clear spoken boundary it if he ever does that again. He treated me so badly that I feel it's inappropriate for him to approach me at all in such a casual manner, like none of that ever happened. In terms of analysing it, I just figured the reason he's orbiting is because he's anxious... anxious about the way he treated me and wondering what I think of him (because deep down he knows he did wrong but he doesn't want to think of himself as bad and is hoping I'll just give him a sign that all is forgiven without him actually taking responsibility for any of it), maybe wondering whether he still has any power over my emotions incase he wants to make a come-back one day, or perhaps as an ego stroke, or to validate some sort of story he's got about me. I just figure he is feeling uncomfortable about something and is trying to soothe that by orbiting me. Maybe your ex is doing a similar thing? Whatever the reason is isn't hugely important. But I really agree with all the answers above that are encouraging you to figure out what is okay for you and what isn't, and let him know this really clearly either through your actions or your words, or both! |
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Post by kailani on Nov 24, 2022 23:40:02 GMT
Hi kailani , my most recent ex who has strong FA tendencies has been circling around my orbit for the last few months... we live in the same community, and there have been SO many times where it has appeared that he's tried to bump into me... parking his car or hanging out in places he knows I'll be, doing a U-turn in his car when he drove past me and parking right next to me etc etc... I've avoided all of these attempts by either looking away or crossing the road etc... but he did actually manage to corner me (literally) in a public place recently, where I was polite but made it clear I was not pleased to see him, and didn't want to carry on a conversation. My children were with me so it wasn't the time to speak directly, but I feel that the situation very much warrants a clear spoken boundary it if he ever does that again. He treated me so badly that I feel it's inappropriate for him to approach me at all in such a casual manner, like none of that ever happened. In terms of analysing it, I just figured the reason he's orbiting is because he's anxious... anxious about the way he treated me and wondering what I think of him (because deep down he knows he did wrong but he doesn't want to think of himself as bad and is hoping I'll just give him a sign that all is forgiven without him actually taking responsibility for any of it), maybe wondering whether he still has any power over my emotions incase he wants to make a come-back one day, or perhaps as an ego stroke, or to validate some sort of story he's got about me. I just figure he is feeling uncomfortable about something and is trying to soothe that by orbiting me. Maybe your ex is doing a similar thing? Whatever the reason is isn't hugely important. But I really agree with all the answers above that are encouraging you to figure out what is okay for you and what isn't, and let him know this really clearly either through your actions or your words, or both! Im sorry he is doing that. In your case he seems stalking/orbiting to catch up w you. In my case, I feel he avoids or ignores me the rest of the time —hence I would have zero reason to believe he was trying to talk to me when I was w a friend. It was just strange. Maybe (or not) trying to get a reaction or control the situation. I don’t even really think he feels any remorse for the situation, but that is an opinion (based on his behavior post breakup). I don’t think he feels uncomfortable. Mine treated me well, minus the breakup day (and after the blindside). Im not sure what is ok. I thikn I generally let people hang themselves…(which he did in front of my friend). No amount of me saying “he’s behaving like a creep’” could explain what she witnessed on her own. You’re right the reason isn’t important..but I will be curious. One day perhaps I will know. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Nov 25, 2022 5:04:06 GMT
Aside from the recent time where he cornered me, i’d actually say that my ex is putting himself in my vicinity to see what I’ll do, what my reaction is to him… I don’t think he wants to catch up with me, cos mostly he was just staring from a distance 👀 it’s creepy and a bit irritating but it’s been quite easy for me to otherwise ignore and not spend much time thinking about because I honestly don’t want to be associated with him in any way now. I feel thankful that my attachment to him has been truly broken. He’s very much in a serious relationship as well (the girl he cheated on me with) so it’s possible he’s using me as a distraction to deal with any discomfort he’s facing in that dynamic.
Yeah it’s a bit strange to ignore someone you were once in a relationship with and then go and sit yourself right next to them for an hour… it’s awkward, murky and in my opinion fuelled by anxiety. If your ex blindsided you and refused to meet to discuss, there’s a chance he feels some kind of emotions around having done that. But it’s more than possible even he doesn’t have awareness of why he’s acting the way he is. But you have to trust your own gut about what you think is happening and look after your own interests on this one.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 25, 2022 10:40:40 GMT
Hi kailani , my most recent ex who has strong FA tendencies has been circling around my orbit for the last few months... we live in the same community, and there have been SO many times where it has appeared that he's tried to bump into me... parking his car or hanging out in places he knows I'll be, doing a U-turn in his car when he drove past me and parking right next to me etc etc... I've avoided all of these attempts by either looking away or crossing the road etc... but he did actually manage to corner me (literally) in a public place recently, where I was polite but made it clear I was not pleased to see him, and didn't want to carry on a conversation. My children were with me so it wasn't the time to speak directly, but I feel that the situation very much warrants a clear spoken boundary it if he ever does that again. He treated me so badly that I feel it's inappropriate for him to approach me at all in such a casual manner, like none of that ever happened. In terms of analysing it, I just figured the reason he's orbiting is because he's anxious... anxious about the way he treated me and wondering what I think of him (because deep down he knows he did wrong but he doesn't want to think of himself as bad and is hoping I'll just give him a sign that all is forgiven without him actually taking responsibility for any of it), maybe wondering whether he still has any power over my emotions incase he wants to make a come-back one day, or perhaps as an ego stroke, or to validate some sort of story he's got about me. I just figure he is feeling uncomfortable about something and is trying to soothe that by orbiting me. Maybe your ex is doing a similar thing? Whatever the reason is isn't hugely important. But I really agree with all the answers above that are encouraging you to figure out what is okay for you and what isn't, and let him know this really clearly either through your actions or your words, or both! Im sorry he is doing that. In your case he seems stalking/orbiting to catch up w you. In my case, I feel he avoids or ignores me the rest of the time —hence I would have zero reason to believe he was trying to talk to me when I was w a friend. It was just strange. Maybe (or not) trying to get a reaction or control the situation. I don’t even really think he feels any remorse for the situation, but that is an opinion (based on his behavior post breakup). I don’t think he feels uncomfortable. Mine treated me well, minus the breakup day (and after the blindside). Im not sure what is ok. I thikn I generally let people hang themselves…(which he did in front of my friend). No amount of me saying “he’s behaving like a creep’” could explain what she witnessed on her own. You’re right the reason isn’t important..but I will be curious. One day perhaps I will know. Just a suggestion that I have found useful. I refer to B as “the guy I dated” and not “my ex”. It is a subtle shift that has allowed me to let go of any curiosity regarding his behaviors and actions. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2022 16:38:51 GMT
Hi kailani , my most recent ex who has strong FA tendencies has been circling around my orbit for the last few months... we live in the same community, and there have been SO many times where it has appeared that he's tried to bump into me... parking his car or hanging out in places he knows I'll be, doing a U-turn in his car when he drove past me and parking right next to me etc etc... I've avoided all of these attempts by either looking away or crossing the road etc... but he did actually manage to corner me (literally) in a public place recently, where I was polite but made it clear I was not pleased to see him, and didn't want to carry on a conversation. My children were with me so it wasn't the time to speak directly, but I feel that the situation very much warrants a clear spoken boundary it if he ever does that again. He treated me so badly that I feel it's inappropriate for him to approach me at all in such a casual manner, like none of that ever happened. In terms of analysing it, I just figured the reason he's orbiting is because he's anxious... anxious about the way he treated me and wondering what I think of him (because deep down he knows he did wrong but he doesn't want to think of himself as bad and is hoping I'll just give him a sign that all is forgiven without him actually taking responsibility for any of it), maybe wondering whether he still has any power over my emotions incase he wants to make a come-back one day, or perhaps as an ego stroke, or to validate some sort of story he's got about me. I just figure he is feeling uncomfortable about something and is trying to soothe that by orbiting me. Maybe your ex is doing a similar thing? Whatever the reason is isn't hugely important. But I really agree with all the answers above that are encouraging you to figure out what is okay for you and what isn't, and let him know this really clearly either through your actions or your words, or both! Im sorry he is doing that. In your case he seems stalking/orbiting to catch up w you. In my case, I feel he avoids or ignores me the rest of the time —hence I would have zero reason to believe he was trying to talk to me when I was w a friend. It was just strange. Maybe (or not) trying to get a reaction or control the situation. I don’t even really think he feels any remorse for the situation, but that is an opinion (based on his behavior post breakup). I don’t think he feels uncomfortable. Mine treated me well, minus the breakup day (and after the blindside). Im not sure what is ok. I thikn I generally let people hang themselves…(which he did in front of my friend). No amount of me saying “he’s behaving like a creep’” could explain what she witnessed on her own. You’re right the reason isn’t important..but I will be curious. One day perhaps I will know. FWIW, I never figured out what made the guy I was dumbfounded by tick other than that his behavior was selfish and harmful to me... One day perhaps you will know, one day perhaps it won't matter anymore because you've handled it and moved on mentally. Just suggesting another option but entertain whatever thoughts make sense to you. |
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. Im looking at the ‘other’ bc the other is the one who behaved oddly IMO.