Post by sadanxious on Nov 23, 2022 8:43:18 GMT
I have been in an anxious-avoidant trap for almost 1 year. I am a 26 yr old female AP, and he is 30 yr old male DA.
In the first 6 months, he seemed secure and we were totally in Love. I have warned him that i struggle with BPD and to not be with me if he will leave like everyone else, but yet he convinced me that he will stay and prove me wrong. But 7 months into our relationship, he called it quits. I gave him space and time knowing that he is a DA and one day i couldn't take it anymore and begged for him back. We got back together and since then he will break up with me when he gets even a little bit triggered every month with me begging and begging for him to work on our relationship, and after a moment of begging he always agreed.
Our parents have met, and we have discussed our future together and even went to see wedding rings and expos when things were good (the first 6 months). But now he says that he don't see me in our future and that we are not right for each other. He says that i deserve better, and i should be with someone who can give me a certain future, and that i am only wasting his time. Hearing this breaks me and I can't seem to get over it. So we keep proceeding in this relationship with uncertainty looming.
I will meet him only on the weekends, and i can tell that he is purposely making himself late when he see me, and would always be on the phone to avoid any intimacy or emotional connection. He seem to choose hanging out with his friends or his hobby. When we are together, he will often still hold my hands, give me a hug and other physical affection and it feels like he loves me sometimes. But in another side, i also felt that he judges, blames and criticises me for how the problems in our relationship and making him change into a cold hearted man (he is not aware that he is avoidant). He also mentions that he is tired of any and all emotional things even when i tell him how i feel peacefully with in a non attacking way and without being emotional.
These days, i have already bent myself backwards to be able to make him feel safe and comfortable, i would try my best to not be emotional, to the point that i'm scared to reply his chat, afraid that i would be saying something wrong. I would also not share how my day is or any difficulties that i face in a day to day basis and keep them to myself. These days i cannot function at work, i can't do anything without panicking because every time i try to focus my attention on something else, i would be very anxious. At this point of time, i really want to make it work but i'm so drained. Just yesterday, i had a breakdown and i tried to be vulnerable to him, it ended with a hug and him assuring me that he won't leave me, but still i feel very scared, guilty and ashamed after opening up to him, fearing that he will leave me again.
Question is:
1. What else can i do to change this dynamic? and make this relationship work by myself?
2. When i don't trigger my avoidant, but he is still cold towards me, does that show that he simply does not love me/is into me anymore?
3. Is it possible to change an avoidant's perception of me? and how do i do that?
In the first 6 months, he seemed secure and we were totally in Love. I have warned him that i struggle with BPD and to not be with me if he will leave like everyone else, but yet he convinced me that he will stay and prove me wrong. But 7 months into our relationship, he called it quits. I gave him space and time knowing that he is a DA and one day i couldn't take it anymore and begged for him back. We got back together and since then he will break up with me when he gets even a little bit triggered every month with me begging and begging for him to work on our relationship, and after a moment of begging he always agreed.
Our parents have met, and we have discussed our future together and even went to see wedding rings and expos when things were good (the first 6 months). But now he says that he don't see me in our future and that we are not right for each other. He says that i deserve better, and i should be with someone who can give me a certain future, and that i am only wasting his time. Hearing this breaks me and I can't seem to get over it. So we keep proceeding in this relationship with uncertainty looming.
I will meet him only on the weekends, and i can tell that he is purposely making himself late when he see me, and would always be on the phone to avoid any intimacy or emotional connection. He seem to choose hanging out with his friends or his hobby. When we are together, he will often still hold my hands, give me a hug and other physical affection and it feels like he loves me sometimes. But in another side, i also felt that he judges, blames and criticises me for how the problems in our relationship and making him change into a cold hearted man (he is not aware that he is avoidant). He also mentions that he is tired of any and all emotional things even when i tell him how i feel peacefully with in a non attacking way and without being emotional.
These days, i have already bent myself backwards to be able to make him feel safe and comfortable, i would try my best to not be emotional, to the point that i'm scared to reply his chat, afraid that i would be saying something wrong. I would also not share how my day is or any difficulties that i face in a day to day basis and keep them to myself. These days i cannot function at work, i can't do anything without panicking because every time i try to focus my attention on something else, i would be very anxious. At this point of time, i really want to make it work but i'm so drained. Just yesterday, i had a breakdown and i tried to be vulnerable to him, it ended with a hug and him assuring me that he won't leave me, but still i feel very scared, guilty and ashamed after opening up to him, fearing that he will leave me again.
Question is:
1. What else can i do to change this dynamic? and make this relationship work by myself?
2. When i don't trigger my avoidant, but he is still cold towards me, does that show that he simply does not love me/is into me anymore?
3. Is it possible to change an avoidant's perception of me? and how do i do that?
