Breakdown of significant relationship with my DA boyfriend

I'm unable to offer advice as to the relationship as I think it's possible that issues go beyond avoidant attachment as you said. What I want to address here is the exposure to potentially boundary-violating attention that you have given yourself by expressing emotional vulnerability along with your phone number on the internet. This suggests to me that you have gaps in being able to determine what is safe and unsafe for you, and how to have sufficient boundaries for self care when relating with others. This is not intended as criticism but as feedback which might be helpful in determining how this relationship was appealing and seemed reasonable, even though it is detrimenintal to you. We all have had these blindnspots in one way or another and looking into how we expose ourselves to toxic treatment is an excellent place to start.

I think you have the door wide open for some kind of predatory behavior, having expressed this need and vulnerability along with personal contact information, please protect yourself and remove the phone number. It is safer to communicate via private message which is available to you here.

Happy to help, I think there are some people here with some great advice on discovering the holes in one's protective barrier and how to help heal them.  I've been in similar spaces with being unable to protect myself and focusing on the wrong things (blaming the other, passing responsibility for my wellbeing on to others) but I think the internal narrative differences can be significant, so someone with an AP perspective might be more helpful.  I can't offer much on the guy here though because he sounds over and above avoidant.  My main concern here is how a relationship lacking the things you need, to such a large degree, could be split 80/20 in favor of great.  The things you list as lacking are the very foundation of love, care, trust and respect as Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim says... that might be a great resource to begin with, you can search it.  I ran across her stuff when looking around at relationship info on the web.  She's got a lot of free reading to avail yourself to.  

Oh, sorry- I mean Anxious Preoccupied (otherwise known as ambivalent) attachment style, the type often found as partner to an avoidant. This attachment type has trouble with boundaries and trying to get their needs met from unavailable and unloving partners. Have a peek around the boards or try an attachment style test (Google that) if you are curious about why you're in this predicament- it may seem it's because of him but your own blind spots, poor boundaries, and misguided attempts at this relationship are much more important to assess because that's what you have control over. There's a lot of helpful info about your own internal states that can shed like on the situation from your own side.

I'm going to second baggage reclaim. She also has a podcast and I found it beyond helpful. She comes across as a super loving and caring friend who just wants what is best for you and is willing to repeat the same thing 100x until it really sinks in.

Thank you Introvert,
I deeply appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and wisdom. I’m sure you have lived through a lot of tough times and done significant personal emotional growth work to have such a high level of awareness and understanding.

This is hard stuff to look at and very painful but you are right. In fact you are spot on. He was treating me poorly from the beginning. I’ve always been direct in asking for what I need relationally. I got the message early on that learning how to love me better was not something that really mattered to him. And, since early August, instead of making appropriate changes to give me what was missing he gave me less and less of what I need. Then acted like his bread crumbs should be enough to sustain the relationship and he’s completely ok with the way it’s going. Like you said, chasing his love (from the very beginning) is the real story and the real problem.

I believe my patterns started in my family of origin with a functioning alcoholic mother and a workaholic father and two older brothers who weren’t very nice -- traumatized and teased me mercilessly. I experienced a lot of pain growing up and learned to be a people pleaser. I’ve read that if a child does not bond with their mother in the womb, or with both mother and father in the first three years of life, an attachment disorder occurs. If you have an attachment disorder with a parent, you will have pain in your spirit regarding sense of belonging – you will feel rejection, inadequacy, and anxiety deep within you.

My understanding is that a sense of being is the ability to know and experience who you really are, to not define yourself by what others think of you. With a healthy sense of being, you feel loved, strong, and peaceful at your core. Growing up (even into my adulthood) I’ve struggled with a sense of belonging and a sense of being.

I’ve put a great deal of effort over the years into understanding my family of origin -- the shame based family system I grew up in. I don’t honestly know if I ever bonded with either parent as a baby or as a young child. I do know, I’ve felt physically and emotionally abandoned at times by my parents and definitely not understood or honored for who I am. I’ve always been a highly sensitive person and I care deeply about the people in my life, especially the people I love.

My Dad passed away on 4-6-2019. It is hard to even describe how painful this has been for me. Not only his death but the aftermath. I will just say (for me) it is a lot harder to lose a parent when the things that your heart has longed your whole life to hear were never really said. I honestly loved and adored my father just because he was my dad. I feel like my dad didn’t really know me or value the person that I am. I longed throughout my entire life to hear my earthly father say the words I love you, you’re a good and precious daughter, you’re smart, you’re beautiful and I am so proud of you. As my dad got older and his health started failing he became a lot grumpier -- like an old curmudgeon and verbal words of affection became even less of a possibility. The sadness of unrecognized affection has been a lot for me to work through.

In 12-2020 I was diagnosed with a massive rare sarcoma tumor (GIST) in my abdominal cavity. Long story short, I was on a targeted oral chemo drug for 14 month and then traveled out of state to have the tumor removed. I had a very successful surgery with a lot of divine grace from my Heavenly Father. The relationship breakdown started exactly 6 months after my surgery. He went with me to Philadelphia (taking 17 days off his practice). That meant the world to me. He's had full knowledge of the very difficult things I've been through these last several years, including my father's death, the estate nightmare, the diagnosis, being on gleevec (oral chemo), surgery and still taking gleevec. He also knows what a highly sensitive gentle person I am. I've had such a hard time understanding why he would treat me with such disdain and disregard. I think that is what has hurt the most. Thankfully, the more I'm learning about my anxious preoccupied attachment style the more things are starting to make sense.

It’s been and continues to be an ongoing journey of healing and recovery from those primary wounds in my spirit. I’m so grateful to have found this forum, Jeb’s website and to be learning about the four attachment styles.

Thank you again for the way you so graciously share your knowledge with me and others. You are a truly beautiful human. God bless you!