After two years, my DA (61 -we aren't spring chickens) reached out. Yes, two years. He booted everyone, except his mother and a close friend, out of his life when diagnosed with prostate cancer. Actually, he told no one except his mother and a close friend that he had prostate cancer. Ouch! that hurt bad when I found out, but it wasn't about me. According to a cancer caregiver group, this is normal. Men who aren’t DA do this. To this day, he still won’t talk about it. After two years, he initiated contact and we started seeing each other again. He told me from the get-go, that due to nerve damage, sex was impossible. He wasn't lying! Actually, I don’t care. I had a full hysterectomy years ago. I lost my libido years ago, plus he's become a wonderful cuddler, something he had a very hard time with in the past. We went on a week-long camping trip. Getting him to spend that many days together was a miracle.
It wasn’t long before the DA in him started to show up.
Problem No. 1. He had a habit of sending a text, I would reply, he'd read the reply and leave me on read. I told him twice how it made me feel. When he did it again, my reply was, “I asked you to stop leaving me on read. I'm much too old to be playing teenage games. There is no place in my life for rude and disrespectful people.
His reply: "Whatever". I gave it four days, then sent the following email.
{{Start}} No, it's not “whatever”. Being indifferent makes it worse, as small things become big and hurtful problems. I think we can safely say we are very much alike when it comes to dramatic, confrontational behavior. We avoid it, but after asking two times in one week to please stop (leaving me on read) and it happened again, I’m left thinking, he is not a mean, spiteful man. Why would one of the calmest friends that I have, who I believe is above playing mind games, do that"? I can’t answer that, but I can say it's hurtful to me when it happens and I see it as disrespectful. When I’m hurt, it comes out as anger and I withdraw. Withdrawing and ignoring someone, as I have done to you, is just as hurtful and disrespectful to you. I apologize for my immature behavior.
If you don’t see it as hurtful and disrespectful, we’ll just have to agree to disagree and leave it at that. I know my reluctance to join the 21st century can make it hard to get in touch with me at the snap of a finger by text. The computer has to be on and my Google Voice app. open. I don’t speak emojis and fail miserably at reading minds. Like someone else I know, I am deeply rooted in my ways. One of those roots happens to be detesting cell phones. I had one for 14 years and used it maybe 30 minutes a month. I don't want one, and I’m not getting one. I do however have a phone, (XXX) XXX-XXXX. Have a pleasant evening. {{End}}
Three days later the phone rang. He NEVER texts me anymore, he calls. I worded my email in a way so as not to put the full blame on him. I used the sentence, "Withdrawing and ignoring someone, as I have done to you, is just as hurtful and disrespectful to you. I apologize for my immature behavior" to let him know it hurts to be ignored.
Our relationship looked something like this. He will call and we’ll chat for 30 minutes to an hour every other or three days. We’ll see each other one to two days per week. Not it's not a committed relationship.
Problem 2. Waiting until the last minute to call me to make plans. While I would love a 24 hour notice, you have to take baby steps with a DA. He called around 6:30PM to grab a bite and hang out. Again, I told him if he wanted to see me, he needed to call earlier in the day. He popped off "I don't have time for that". I said ok and when he had the time to call me. Friday night the phone rang at 7:00PM. I didn't answer it and fired this email off.
{{Start}} To ignore you would be rude. I don’t like it when you do it to me, so I won’t do it to you. Just like clockwork, the John Doe infamous Friday night last minute call. Did you actually think I would answer the phone? Friendships shouldn’t be stressful, but it’s becoming that way.
Again, if you want to see me, call me earlier in the day. It takes all of 30 seconds. If you don’t have time to do that, then don’t contact me. We've been friends for 20+ years. I’m comfortable around you, I can be myself and we have fun. We understand each other's need for independence and space and I don’t have to worry about you getting needy or wanting to slap a title on me. I’m not trying to control or manipulate you. I know you too well and you would see right through it. Maybe you don’t understand how I feel. Your last minute calls relay that you have no respect for me or no respect for my time. I won't jump when you snap your fingers. Your last minute calls make me feel like a booty call, as it would any woman
(maybe booty call is a little much, medical condition, no booty call is going on). No one in any type of relationship, whether it be parents, siblings, friends or co-workers, wants to feel used and taken advantage of. We want to be accepted and know we matter in others lives. That’s just human nature. I accept you for who you are and enjoy our time together, as long as you respect my boundaries. {{End}}
Two days later he called at 11:00 AM, to make plans. We never talk about the emails I send him, he just makes the changes.
Before I came back into the picture, a lifetime friend made plans to take him to a resort in Mexico for two weeks where the friend’s parents have a condo. I thought it was a great idea. He finally felt well enough to travel and needed the R&R. Four days before he left, we spent three days and two nights together.
He called me two days after his return, but he didn’t ask to see me. He’s been back for a month, but hasn’t asked to see me, but he calls once a week to check on me. Last week he called, I wasn’t home and he didn’t leave a message. I didn’t call back. Two days later, he called again, I answered, and we chatted for 15 minutes. Again he didn’t ask to see me. I’m really confused. He obviously wants to keep the lines of communication open, but won’t see me. He was making a real effort to change when he did something that hurt me.
I’m FA (57), so I’m all in my head trying to figure this out. Did I do something wrong, is he seeing someone else, or is he in the cold stage of hot and cold. I’m not making excuses for him, but his mom passed away four months ago, leaving him with two houses to clean out. One house holds 60 years of his parents personal belongings. I can’t imagine that is easy for him and he won’t discuss her passing either.
I learned not to chase him, as he hates it. Is it best to let it play out and be the phone friend? If I ask him what’s up, I’ll get the “nothing, just busy” answer. A friend suggested no contact, but that’s manipulation. I’m at a total loss of what to do here.
