Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2023 15:08:24 GMT
If it's any consolation, I met my current partner of 3 years after a crap relationship where I learned more about myself and how to take care of myself, than I could have in therapy. The guy that I broke my pattern with was probably a narcissist, at least deeply self absorbed and neglectful... familiar to me from my childhood. The relationship was kind of a slow death of my ability to ignore and neglect myself if you know what I mean. When I came out of it I may not have known how to be healthy in every way, but I knew for damn sure how I wasn't going to be UNHEALTHY anymore. I became conscious. I developed some hard lines where I needed them, softened the hard lines that weren't serving me.
I think you're sounding good. And what a load off, all the polyamory stuff is horrible for you. A very small percentage of the population does well with it, let them have it. Now you know, it hurts you and a relationship shouldn't have you constantly trying to rationalize and cope with it's basic tenets (like, you have to share, and be happy with that.) So you learned about your deepest values and how you and he were a terminal mismatch. You can honor your deepest needs and values now, you never have to experience that again. That's how I came out of my last crap situation, taking comfort in the fact that I knew enough now to never have to do that again. That's actually very real progress.
|
|
|
|
Post by lovebunny on Jan 16, 2023 13:09:41 GMT
Thank you, @introvert (and all you others,) I agree it is progress, but I'm so far from where I want to be.
Normally, after a breakup, I feel this almost uncontrollable restlessness. I am on the prowl, looking for my next hit of love and sex, trying to "win" the breakup.
Maybe in this case, I already know I "lost." He moves right into another relationship, one he's been working on parallel to ours for just as long, and one that clearly seems more promising to him.
I used to worry he was just waiting for the other woman to get her act together so he could be with her. She had a drug overdose last year, was hospitalized, on probation, etc...This is the kind of person he wants? Chaotic and messy, but I guess that feels familiar to him. I'm neither of those things, generally, I have my act together, present moment excluded.
This breakup, I feel, instead, a withdrawl, a turning inward. Since my mind is on fire, I've concentrated on keeping my body calm. Eat everyday, something healthy, even if my stomach doesn't want it. Don't drink too much alcohol. Stay warm, lots of hot showers, stretch out, read and watch tv. I have managed to spend one-on-one time with different close friends, but I'm not trying to "socialize" because I know I can't pull it off right now. Tears flow way too easy to be around people much.
Yesterday, feeling lonely, I went into my favorite karaoke bar for a bit and was able to sing one song and chat with some regulars I know, but that lasted about an hour before it all felt like too much and I went home to curl up on the couch with tv.
Mostly, I just want to hide. I think I'm struggling with shame. For a time, when he was being consistently attentive, I thought I'd found my perfect mate, and I was absolutely living for our relationship. Everyone could see how happy I was, how, as my friend described me, "in my element." I still have trouble believing it's over, and of course, this being a small place, I'm bound to see him and run into him time to time.
All I want to do is sleep. Last night I think I did 12 hours on and off, between dozing off on the couch in front of tv, then dozing off reading in bed. It's actually cool/cold here for once which isn't helping (there's a reason I moved to the tropics, I don't handle cold well.) Today I am kayaking, so that might wake me up. I realize that the new anti anxiety meds make me groggy, too, I've only been on the about a month, so maybe that'll get better?
I want to hide from the world. I am not experiencing any joy, it's been a while since I felt joy. Maybe joy is just too much to ask at the moment. The people I'm staying with come back tomorrow, so at least there will be other humans around me soon. I honestly don't know what else I can do right now to make this any better. I want to feel good and whole.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2023 15:08:44 GMT
It sounds like you were happy in a fantasy with him, rather than being truly happy in the reality of him. Denial can be pretty deep, don't you think? I mean here he is, as you described the creepy old guy doing drugs at festivals, having the woman of the day and opting for the one who wants nothing from him. How can a healthy woman be happy with this guy, really? Is he somehow enlightened, or is he just a rather immature, self absorbed person who uses mind altering substances and sex? He chose a woman who has recently been mentally unhealthy enough to overdose. Do you think she has a strong sense of her own values and herself and opts to have no expectations of him because she's on top of her game?
Reality check yourself!
It sounds like you might be in a trauma response of collapse. But you're doing the right things to love yourself and take care of yourself. It takes time, its only been a week or so, so easy does it. You're doing well even if you're still in process and not healed. You're in the process of healing.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2023 15:35:44 GMT
This guy seems emotionally predatory. Preying on the vulnerable, giving them a nifty environment in his amazing place so he can use their bodies and manipulate their minds. Call me a skeptic but his brand of poly seems downright toxic and disgusting. There is not a hint of health and freedom in the women involved in this story. And I'm not beating you up.. be thankful you got turned out of his little zoo there. You sat in luxury doing jealousy journals and reading poly forums to cope. It's so good you can step back and examine what was really happening there.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2023 16:00:00 GMT
As I think about it, it reminds me of something I read about here on the forum... Peter Pan Syndrome. This guy seems like a juvenile who never wants to grow up, and he needs playmates who will see the nice playground he's got and climb into his clubhouse with him. That doesn't fit with the values and aspirations of a mature woman, as you've seen. This is all a blessing to helpbyou address the child in you who sees something promising in this situation. We all have had to face those parts of ourselves so you aren't alone, you're in good company.
|
|
|
|
Post by lovebunny on Jan 16, 2023 19:46:53 GMT
Understood, and I actually called him out on this long before I left. I have no beef with the other woman, as far as I know, she's been nothing but respectful towards me, she's just buying his nice guy act and trying to be loved. She seems like a lost, lonely person with low self-esteem, and I have told him that what he's doing with her is NOT an act of kindness. Of course, he says he's not choosing her over me, but he's "choosing the one who doesn't make him choose." I am aware of my own vulnerability to such people, I'm a lonely person, too, and I so badly want a life partner, someone to provide the sense of "family" I lack. He moved me in because he knew I wanted it, and suspected I might leave him if he didn't take the relationship deeper. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2023 20:23:49 GMT
Understood, and I actually called him out on this long before I left. I have no beef with the other woman, as far as I know, she's been nothing but respectful towards me, she's just buying his nice guy act and trying to be loved. She seems like a lost, lonely person with low self-esteem, and I have told him that what he's doing with her is NOT an act of kindness. Of course, he says he's not choosing her over me, but he's "choosing the one who doesn't make him choose." I am aware of my own vulnerability to such people, I'm a lonely person, too, and I so badly want a life partner, someone to provide the sense of "family" I lack. He moved me in because he knew I wanted it, and suspected I might leave him if he didn't take the relationship deeper. Yeah I totally get wanting to have that sense of belonging, family, home. And I believe you can find that, it's not too late at all. I know lots of people who found their person mid-life, me included. You deserve to be chosen and loved for who you are. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 16, 2023 21:16:26 GMT
Of course, he says he's not choosing her over me, but he's "choosing the one who doesn't make him choose." He continues to be a piece of work with every word out of his mouth. He's saying he's choosing the person who won't assert her needs, in spite of it being perfectly healthy to have and communicate relationship needs and goals. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2023 22:07:06 GMT
Of course, he says he's not choosing her over me, but he's "choosing the one who doesn't make him choose." He continues to be a piece of work with every word out of his mouth. He's saying he's choosing the person who won't assert her needs, in spite of it being perfectly healthy to have and communicate relationship needs and goals. I'm going to wager that she's extremely vulnerable having addiction crisis and probation, she needs shelter and some sort of safe fantasy because she's in a tough spot. She needs the basics and that he can do, and anyone I'm survival like that might take the short end of the stick in a relationship just to have survival need met. It's sad but I get it. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 16, 2023 23:28:50 GMT
Right, it's a sad situation for the other woman, and the guy is getting out of it whatever he's getting out of it. But what I was pointing out is the way he speaks to lovebunny is manipulative.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2023 23:51:02 GMT
Right, it's a sad situation for the other woman, and the guy is getting out of it whatever he's getting out of it. But what I was pointing out is the way he speaks to lovebunny is manipulative. Absolutely! I agree there is a lot of manipulation coming from him :/ |
|
|
|
Post by cherrycola on Jan 17, 2023 2:52:05 GMT
Of course, he says he's not choosing her over me, but he's "choosing the one who doesn't make him choose." I can't see how you are making him choose anything. To me he realizes on some level that he is being immature and he knows this other women won't call him out on it or expect anything more from him. As far as I can tell you have perfectly reasonable relationship expectations. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 17, 2023 3:03:38 GMT
Exactly. He's making an excuse to do whatever requires less from him, and turning "blame" back on her when she hasn't done anything wrong! Which is designed to make you second-guess yourself and subsequently ask for less.
|
|
|
|
Post by lovebunny on Jan 17, 2023 14:09:13 GMT
Thank you all so much for this much-needed reality check!
I made the mistake of interacting with him yesterday. He'd sent me an "you are deeply missed text," and I asked him to bring me something I needed, so we met at a kava bar for the hand-off. I completely fell apart when I saw him, totally re-started the emotional bleeding.
He's doing fine without me. Though he misses me, he does not miss the "pressure" of our relationship. I ended up accusing him of exactly everything talked about above. It wasn't the first time I've said it.
He comes off as such a good man--and of course, he has his moments where that's exactly who he is, I know it's not blackandwhite. But it's so confusing. I don't think he even does any of this consciously, I just started reading MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE, and I think this might be him. He was married young/had kids with a bipolar, extremely difficult person (I know her from outside of him, our work lives cross paths, and he isn't exaggerating how difficult she is.) After that, his 2nd long-term relationship, which ended in marriage to help her get her green card, lasted 3 years, same as ours. Apparently, she was rabidly jealous of the fact that he has mostly female friends, a thing I wasn't fond of either, but could accept. I met his father once for 10 minutes (they're mostly estranged, parents divorced long ago) and the guy came off as self-absorbed misogynist from hell.
Exbf didn't argue back when I accused him of using women for his own gratification, of being scared of commitment and intimacy. He just said "I know you're hurting and need to vent, I still care about you and want you to be ok, I feel horrible that you're displaced and upset, whatever you need from me right now to get in a more comfortable place, I'll do...." He said he'd "think about" what I said, but he didn't think he was at all predatory or in the wrong in any way.
In his mind, he just wants to be poly and I don't. He wants to go out all night doing whatever with whoever, while I want to "get old" and "settle down."
I think I'm ready for as close to No Contact as I can go at the moment (I still need to go to his home for my things and need his help moving.) Because seeing him and talking to him just makes me second-guess myself. I start thinking maybe I truly was too controlling. Maybe I am less open-minded than I realized. Maybe he's soooo emotionally healthy he can walk away from a woman he loves to live the life he wants to live, while I'm so clingy and anxious and pathetic I will take months if not years to get over this. He has plenty of friends (though honestly, I couldn't stand all but one of his friends. Most of them are kind of losers tbh.) But they love and support him, while my friend group is smaller and they're people with lots of things going on and I don't typically spend a lot of time with them. As I said, past few nights I'm just by myself watching tv, reading, and sleeping a lot.Thinking about him sets me spinning, and as with all my breakups, rumination becomes a problem.
I am "fine" but not ok. I'm so so far away from where I want to be in life, alone and with no permanent address, about to be in debt to cover F/L/S. I'm lonely, my self-esteem has taken a blow, and I don't see these feelings going away tomorrow or the next day. I hope y'all don't mind if I keep writing here for a bit, it does help to have strangers on the internet tell me I'm not crazy, that something really was wrong here, so thank you!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2023 14:44:14 GMT
This isn't about him being open minded and you being controlling and closed minded. I'll give you that you went into his world of multiple partners and probably tried to strike some sort of deal and turn the dial toward your preferences, and it didn't work. You probably did your fair share of manipulating yourself and him. You likely opted to deny what was in front of your eyes in favor of a fantasy in your mind. All that was unhealthy and originated in you, so ultimately you were fair game simply because you were insecure and unhealthy enough to play this game. That's been true of every single one of us. So it isn't black and white, he's all bad and you are an innocent victim, etc etc. You were blinded by your own issues. Taking responsibility for that, and not succumbing to more bullshit insecure thinking is the goal.
The bullshit insecure thinking you are in danger of succumbing to is going to be this idea that you need to squash yourself down even further to fit into his warped idea of "relationship." If you can bamboozle yourself into thinking he's got something healthy going on by moving unhealthy insecure women with dependency issues into his home (creating an imbalance in power and autonomy) you really need to pinch yourself. This would be free, easy, and healthy if every woman he's screwing was independent, secure, and free to move on without fear of absolute financial ruin and instability and homelessness. That not being the case, there is a sort of entrapment going on, willingly accepted by the women because.... dependency. So this changes everything! If you are in a lifestyle you can't afford to lose, you're going to strike terrible deals for yourself emotionally. If you are struggling with being in debt and without means to comfortably support yourself and get a residence, you will be thinking that tbe frying pan looks better than the fire. Don't fall for that fear based thinking. It will absolutely burn you.
If he wants to help, consider asking him to pay for F/L/S NO STRINGS just like his emotional arrangements are... and then block him and go no contact. It's his choice to part with his resources, and if he is willing to help you get a new start then let him. Look out for yourself by accepting help, but do it smart, without fantasies of reunion attached. This is a real issue involving basic subsistence and having a home, and if he can make moving on easier let him do at least that.
|
|
