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Post by lovebunny on Jan 8, 2023 22:55:43 GMT
Well, I'm back on the boards, single again at 50.
I'd been with my (now ex) bf almost 3 years. I thought he was secure at first, with a little FA, but I may have flipped him very FA with my AA.
I knew from the start he had an interest in being polyamorous. I was willing to give poly a shot in the beginning--I'd done it throughout my 20's, again in my early 40's, though I kind of thought I'd outgrown it. Still, I figured I was older and wiser, and he was a communicative, attentive partner, so ok. I set certain boundaries, he said ok. He declared me his "primary partner." And 6 months later, he told me about his "secondary" woman. I struggled with it at first, and almost ended things. But he and I really got on well, and I was falling in love.
Almost a year ago, I left my fantastic, rent-controlled place in the city to move in with him. We were getting on great together at the time, he and other woman were broken up because she didn't want to be with a man with a girlfriend.
With her out of the picture, bf agreed to try to be, if not completely monogamous, monogam-ish, at least. I was more comfortable with this than his previous arrangement, but still got anxious sometimes.
Cut to 9 months later, he and other woman get back "on" and hotter than ever. He starts wanting to change agreements.
He tries to tell me nothing will change, I'm still the one he wants to build a life with, but my anxiety keeps rising up.
I have been quite triggered by this, it reminds me of an episode in my 20's where I was dating two people at the same time who fell in love with each other. I felt so jealous and left out.
Things have been escalating over the past couple of months. I have been very anxious and obsessed, and he is completely obnoxious, unsupportive, and seems to just want me gone (even when he says otherwise.) He says he can't meet my expectations, that moving me in was a mistake. We decide to break up, then decide not to. We have good moments, then bad ones. I did a little dating myself and had fun, but I still couldn't get un-anxious about bf.
Last night when I asked him (again) for reassurance, he dumped me with harsher language than anything we'd said previously, and this time, I decided to break the dance and I actually left, am staying at a friend's. He said he wants to be single, wants his house back, that he's sorry he overpromised what our relationship would be like in the beginning. He loves me and wants me, but he doesn't want any responsibility for someone else's emotions. He wants to be with the other woman more often than I can handle, doesn't want to stick to any agreements between us, wants to bring her over to the house, etc..
I'm trying so hard not to text him or call him (though I do need to get some stuff, I ran out in a hurry.) This very much hurts, I've lost a home I loved (he'd made it really beautiful for me) I lost a man who I adored and had a lot of fun with, plus my pets who are large and I cannot keep in a rental. I'm staying in friend's guest cottages while looking at crappy, unaffordable rentals. I'm devastated.
I should never have been trying to poly with my AA, I started to suspect it early on, but did ok when he was being attentive and supportive about it and keeping his things on the side fairly casual. Lately, though, he's unrecognizable to me. I'm still a little in shock at how callous he's been lately.
People, can you give me some words of hope and encouragement? I feel so hopeless and humiliated. I had really hoped I was done getting hooked on emotionally unavailable people, but I did it again!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2023 4:32:00 GMT
Ouch,I'm sorry the relationship you had high hopes for has proven to be painful and not supportive of you.
It is so fresh, and you will feel the pain while you grieve, it takes time of course. But perhaps you can find some hope in knowing you learned more about what doesn't work for you. I didn't get it until my very late 40's... and the relationship (?) that I was in prior to meeting my current partner was absolute crap... but I learned a lot there and it galvanized me to take care of myself and commit myself to awareness and to honoring my feelings and my limits... even if someone else wouldn't. ESPECIALLY if someone else wouldn't. I really learned how to tune into my inner voice and recognize when it was telling me something. I also learned how to identify my inner critic and silence it, at least push back at it. These things operated below my conscious awareness a lot of the time so learning to listen and become conscious took time but has proven to be key to my peace and health and emotional availability.
It's super tough to have lost your home and be in that position of sorting through crap places to live. I've been there too. When it was darkest, I turned toward gratitude. It really makes a difference in how you see your life and your blessings. It's so great that you have a safe, friendly place to stay while you sort things out.
I'm sorry about your pets, too. It's just such a blow, all of it. But you can do it, you can pull through. It's not too late for you, I know so many women our age who haven't even begun to figure this stuff out, aren't even awake and living in their patterns. So don't give up, all is not lost.
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Post by lovebunny on Jan 9, 2023 12:53:29 GMT
Introvert, thank you for the kind words.
The loss of the pets is absolutely killing me. But they're better off with him where they have plenty of space and safe enclosures that he knows how to maintain, though I worry he won't clean them or give them as much attention as I do. The loss of the beautiful home on the water where I could just throw my paddleboard in and go--I got in the best shape of my life this past year, plus, the safety of being with a man who owned his own home, who knows how to fix things,how to make a hurricane-safe home (I live in hurricane ally) and maintain vehicles, etc.. I felt so SAFE with him in so many ways, physically safer than I've ever felt in my life--
But he blew it on that one very important big one: emotional safety.
The moving goalposts he set as to what our lives together would look like in regards to other partners and how much of his attention towards other women I'd have to tolerate from him...When I really began to feel him shift his attention to someone else, it was just too much, and he didn't have the patience or emotional intelligence to help me through it. He's ADHD, so he gets hyperfocus, sometimes on the "wrong" things, and has no problem leaving something hanging that needs his attention.
All in all, it was probably the best relationship of my life, and he says the same for him. It was the longest/most consistent since I left my ex-husband 8 years ago. Passionate, kinky, fun, we really only ever argued about one thing (non monogamy) communicative and connected, with lots of negotiation until the end when he decided he's done "stifling his needs" on my behalf.
I stood up for myself more than I did in my younger poly/non-monogamous relationships where I'd just suffer in silence until I decided to leave.Truth is, though, I would've tried to stay on a little longer and maybe bent my will a little more had he been gentler and more supportive. He provided me with a mixture of safety and danger that I guess made my little ambivalently-attached heart beat wildly for him.
He's trying to come off as the nice guy now, apologizing via text that he loves me but "can't be the man I need," offering to let me visit pets whenever, help me in anyway he can. He's even offered me sex if I need it (eyeroll.) But it is haunting to me that the last people we had sex with right before we broke up were other people rather than each other.
This is my second morning waking up somewhere else, alone, and the tears won't stop. It is every person's worst nightmare, that the person they're building a life with suddenly decides they want to go in another direction without you, and you're completely powerless to do anything about it. Meanwhile, he gets to go on with his life fairly undisturbed. Same house, albeit emptier without me in it, and a little less help with the mortgage and housework, filled with painful reminders until I can move my things out. He already has another relationship to distract him from the pain, whereas the guy I was/am? seeing is long-distance and much more casual.
I'm struggling not to beg him to try again, not to pretend that I can tolerate less of a relationship than I want as long as I can have some of that safety....but I know better, and I don't think he'd agree to it anyway.
I'm grateful he's being kind in his way, grateful for my friend's guest house, and for one of my friends who spent yesterday with me listening to me weep, process, and talk about nothing else.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2023 14:58:24 GMT
I don't understand polyamory, or who it works for, because I have only heard of situations like this where someone got burned by it. So I might not be the best at giving you the support you need, for that reason. It is just like any other castle built on sand though, the idea of building a future without commitment to the partnership being the foundation. Without that trust and respect and commitment in place, the best thing ever is on shaky ground and that means not just the relationship but the entire life you built around it. I did that when I didn't realize what the risks were too, you certainly aren't alone. It does sound like you over-rode signals that it wasn't good for you early on... that's a doozy, been there. And got really burned. That's where I had to step up for myself. Very painful lessons.
I'm sorry you're hurting like this right now. The only way through it is through it. I wish I had something really helpful to say but breakups just suck.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 9, 2023 20:12:33 GMT
It is every person's worst nightmare, that the person they're building a life with suddenly decides they want to go in another direction without you, and you're completely powerless to do anything about it. I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'm going to challenge the story you're repeating to yourself here. You are not powerless in your own life! You cannot change his mind, and shouldn't try after the way he has treated you. But you still have full agency over how you build your own life, even if it's going in a different direction now. It is still your life, so do not surrender all your power to the idea that someone else needs to be present to make you happy. That is where the recipe for unhappiness comes from. Everything you've written is about your lack of ability to provide a feeling of safety for yourself, so of course this is going to feel several layers more painful than it already does to disconnect from someone you love. Breakups are terrible, but I think this is a spot where you can make things a little easier on yourself as you go through it. I'm not minimizing the housing issue, housing is stupidly expensive in the US right now and I feel for you not having a rent controlled option. The good news is rents have gone down many places the last few months, so hopefully you will still have some options. If you are still in touch with your therapist, now would be a great time to reach out, discuss what you want your life to look like and how you can visualize it and build it in a way that builds more confidence in yourself, so that safety can come from within. I know this is probably not that comforting when the breakup is so fresh and you may need some time before you can get yourself to the perspective of this being the next step. But it can be the next step, and taking it away from yourself by dwelling on all the new ambiguity instead of your own strength and ability to eventually recover (which you will!) is doing yourself a huge disservice. So I'm calling it out to try to interrupt this one very negative self-talk pattern, that will make you feel like you're drowning if you give it free reign in your mind. The more you repeat and ruminate over the same thoughts in your head, the more you've "practiced" wiring your brain in that direction. In this case, you will want to go in a different direction. So me addressing the semantics may seem minor, but it's not. You can do this. |
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Post by lovebunny on Jan 9, 2023 22:35:15 GMT
It is just like any other castle built on sand though, the idea of building a future without commitment to the partnership being the foundation. Without that trust and respect and commitment in place, the best thing ever is on shaky ground and that means not just the relationship but the entire life you built around it. This. This is exactly what he doesn't understand. Beautifully put. |
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Post by lovebunny on Jan 9, 2023 23:08:22 GMT
Everything you've written is about your lack of ability to provide a feeling of safety for yourself, so of course this is going to feel several layers more painful than it already does to disconnect from someone you love Alexandra, that's all spot on, especially the above statement. I do not feel safe alone, for many reasons, housing insecurity is just one. We are actually in our busy season right now (tropical island) so rental prices are at their cruelest. I need to think about what I can do to create safety and stability in my life, as those are things I crave. |
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Post by lovebunny on Jan 9, 2023 23:16:25 GMT
anne, I thought I saw some helpful exercises you posted here, did I somehow delete them? I'm game to try anything! been using watertank visualization....
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Post by anne12 on Jan 9, 2023 23:29:17 GMT
Ups, Sorry I will post them again jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1169/healing-broken-heartYou can switch between mourning, crying and do the two chair anger exercise with your ex. Use the water tank exercise to ground You can put a suppotive hand on your heart. You can also Locate where your inner little inner girl sits in your body, put a suportive hand on that bodypart Talk to your inner little girl and tell her that you will never leave her and give her a hug You can Imagine a huge big hand supporting your back - my own teacher always asks which body part we ourselves can use as a support, as we always Carrie our body with us You can also use your arms and hands, and do the Peter Levine self hug or what ever your body wants you to do Secure exercise = Diane Poole Heller - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/12850/ |
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Post by anne12 on Jan 9, 2023 23:47:08 GMT
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Post by lovebunny on Jan 10, 2023 0:00:07 GMT
Thank you Anne 12. The anxiety / withdrawl is overwhelming.
I just called him because I need him to bring me some things--I ran out of the house in a crises state after throwing everything I could reach into some luggage, didn't get everything I needed for a long-term stay-away, and I'm not ready to go back to the house yet. And just knowing he was coming, I felt my anxiety quiet. I'm loudly reminding myself that he is the CAUSE of my anxiety and I must not forget that.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2023 0:23:49 GMT
Yeah when I was younger with dependent children, the struggle of being a single mom had me looking for security and stability in a partner. If you don't have enough stability and security yourself you will tolerate way too much to get it from someone else. Once you establish your own stability though, it gets a lot easier to know where to draw the line because you aren't living in fear or self doubt.
I am deeply uncomfortable depending on a partner, I like to take care of me in a way that no one can take away. That's not the emotional side, although I can lean that way as well. I'm talking about my security that remains no matter what happens to the relationship. Priceless. You can do it!
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Post by lovebunny on Jan 10, 2023 13:16:19 GMT
Thanks, Introvert,
I am very glad he and I decided early on we'd keep finances separate when we moved in, at least one entanglement avoided.
He and I talked a little yesterday, and I get it, I really do. He and other woman are just more compatible, she demands less of him (for now,) and are more on the same "level" about a lot of things. He found our differences, at first, compelling, and wanted to live up to being with me. But ultimately, he's more comfortable with someone who is more chaotic, more of a mess. It's more familiar to him. Likewise, I am drawn to poly people because of childhood neglect, as well as my early dating experiences, even though that's not where I am emotionally now. He's in his midlife crises period of exploration, about where I was 6-8 years ago when I thought going back to poly was a good idea and ran around trying to do all the things I thought I was missing out on in my marriage. There was no talking me out of it back then, and there's no talking him out of it now, he has to go through it himself.
He seems truly sorry to be putting me through this, not that that's worth s**t but at least he's agreed to help me some with first/last/security and with the physical move when the time comes.
On my end, though, I'm still struggling to let it go, fantasizing that he'll come around, or I will suddenly be ok with sharing him with the other woman and will get to have my life, home and pets, back. That physical safety I got from him and his sturdy home--I don't really know how to get that for myself. I love my work and find meaning through it, but it doesn't pay enough for me to buy a home here. And it is extremely frightening to go through hurricanes alone.
I still long for contact from him, and no one else will do. I keep reminding myself this is only day 3. Only 3 days ago I still had a home and a partner, though I could feel that I wasn't on solid ground. I just want to go home, wherever that is....And here come tears again.
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Post by seeking on Jan 10, 2023 16:57:05 GMT
I just want to go home, wherever that is....And here come tears again. I read through this thinking you must have experienced something like neglect as a child - hence the AA - but also the mix of this type of person who can't be "all-in" with you. Have you ever done Byron Katie's "The Work"? It might be helpful to do with the statement "I want to go home." I saw some possible "turnarounds" here (will make sense if you look at The Work and how it's done). For example, "I don't want to go home." Why might that be true? Perhaps because home was not safe. I spent my life longing for home. I even traveled to the country my ancestors came from, thinking somehow some of them would still be there waiting to welcome me back with open arms. Instead, there were gravestones with some of their names, and a dying hilltown with about a dozen people left. I looked to people to "make me safe" - but then realized once, that at my worst (panic attack)I had a neighbor next to me, who would have come over in a heartbeat, a safe neighborhood, and the police down the street along with a rescue squad and top hospital. I didn't feel safe. I chose things that did not feel safe because that's all the "safety" I knew -- was familiarity. Not true safety. In the end, things that were *truly safe* - felt boring. Dull. I felt numb to them. That's because I didn't have the capacity to actually feel -- or connect with -- safety. I had to build that inside of me, over time -- the capacity to even tolerate safety in the first place. Even though I always longed for it. What it sounds like you might be longing for is a protector. Someone to rescue you if you get stuck in a hurricane. Or a person who can be there financially if needed. Etc. I think there's a difference. Of all the work I've done, aside from Somatic Experiencing, which started to help me understand (somatically - as in, embodying it) what safety felt like - Internal Family Systems was probably one of the biggest contributors for me to cultivating a sense of my own Self - outside of all my wounded parts that have made some pretty lousy decisions over the years. Self energy as the therapy calls it is the place you can be with inside yourself that can meet you where you are. Can witness your pain and hold space for it. That can listen to what you need and start meeting those needs. I have to run. But FWIW |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 11, 2023 4:17:28 GMT
When B broke up with me, it took a very, very long time to “get over” the fantasy I had created. And then I realized, it wasn’t an adult part of me that was clinging to this fantasy…it was a 9 year old version of me…..who viewed B as “sacred”…like a cherished stuffed animal, versus a real and flawed man. Looking back, it makes sense because it was around my being 9 that my parents divorced…so my understanding of safety was shattered. In addition, there was a custody battle that my dad won, but he ended up not wanting me…which only made the craving for a person who felt safe and would not leave me all that more urgent. I think seeking is on to something…..I think it isn’t fully him that you miss….but the idea of safety…which you have bestowed upon him. I think exploring what is safe is actually a good starting point. My SE therapist worked bit by bit…as if pulling 2 sets of yarn apart…..1 being tied to the fantasy of B, 1 being the acknowledgement of the true need of safety. Once those 2 were separated, it was much, much easier to look for how I could be my own safe person to that younger part of me. It does take time though and an investment in yourself….but it is really worth it. |
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