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Post by tnr9 on Jan 19, 2023 3:57:56 GMT
Ask an FA to explain what does love mean to them and elaborate on it. They honestly don't know. FAs say what they think you want to hear. They really don't know. If they were being honest they would say something like "I love my phone".
The above is not a description of an FA, it is a description of a narcissist. That is very, very different from an FA. Upon reading your post, my thought was that you were dating someone with more then an attachment issues. You might want to look into a forum called it’s all about him which is a site for people who have been involved with narcissistic individuals.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 19, 2023 22:57:07 GMT
Thank you for your reply tnr9! I don't think he's a narc, he's not abusive like that and never has been it's more about opening up about things that make him feel vulnerable. I think the attention seeking behavior is for validation. I've always told him how handsome he is and how he is the apple of my eye but I feel he doesn't even believe my words because loved ones have betrayed him in the past. He just hides and keeps a lot of things secret. Doesn't trust anyone. Very turbulent childhood where he was blamed for things he didn't do. Family members wouldn't trust him so I think he's still traumatized from that. So I've been doing NC and grey rocking since the start of the week just because I needed to take care of myself. We still sleep in the same bed because we have a very small couch in the living room, we both agreed we would sleep in the same bed for the time being until I find different living arrangements. So he drank a bit last night. Sometime during the night while we were both sleeping he rolls over and starts to cuddle me. Like hands wrapped around me caressing my face. Kissing me multiple times on the cheek and just being very affectionate. This caught be by surprise and I was kind of startled but I've been deprived of a loving touch for a while so it felt nice even though I know he was probably passed out. At one point I turn away from him because it got kind of uncomfortable and had my back facing towards him and he comes up and cuddles me from behind and does a couple thrust to my butt. I don't want to read between the lines to much but I know he loves me he just has a hard time showing it. I sent him a text this afternoon explaining what happened last night and what he did. Told him to have a good day and chat soon. He read it and didn't reply. I know he's busy working but he used to be the type to reply right away. I'm assuming he's deactivating. Grey rocking and NC has made him more anxious around me, he drinks every night before bed now. Such confusing behavior. I want to make sense of it all but then I don't. I have no problem walking away but he always strings me along. I really care for him and I know it's not his fault, it just sucks for both of us. I wish love wasn't this difficult. It always feels like were good for 3 years and then its 2 years of drama and the cycle repeats itself. Something I forgot to add in my original post around the 10 year mark can't remember specifically but he also admitted to me that he was never really committed throughout our relationship. That was a stab in the heart. Also around 2017-2018 he gave me a wedding ring. I declined because I wasn't ready at that time especially with our history. We might of talked about it in passing before but it was never anything concrete. Was my not accepting his proposal the reason he started to deactivate? He made himself vulnerable and I rejected him? Also around 2020 just before pandemic hit we were planning on buying a house together. Covid delayed that and here we are today. Are these the milestones that scare away a FA? I try and stay positive but it's exhausting having to constantly try and prove yourself and make someone else believe they are worth the love and attention they deserve. It's a never ending battle. Appreciate any responses! Can I turn this conversation around from being about him to being about you…why did you stay with someone who was unavailable for so long? It is obvious from what you wrote that he has issues that stem from his childhood….and unless he sought out some level of help (and I mean professional help)….those wounds would follow him into any relationship. People can love each other and still not be good for each other. It really isn’t your responsibility to make him feel worthy…that simply keeps you unavailable to a more suitable relationship. Do you have a timeframe to move out? It doesn’t sound like NC can work when you are sharing a space. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 20, 2023 11:41:44 GMT
Seems like any chance with an FA is totally up to them.
Actually, this isn’t a true statement…it gives too much credit to this being a “choice” rather then an learned response to an overactive nervous system…..it is no different then trying to have a relationship with an “unaware” AP or “unaware” DA. The learned responses are different…but the ability to have a successful relationship are the same. And given that insecurely attached individuals are attracted to other insecurely attached individuals…it could be said that the chance is “shared”. It could also be said…and I have seen this stated before…that a DA or DA leaning FA sees the writing on the wall (as in the futility of the relationship), much earlier then the AP does. Regardless….it is now your choice in how you move forward. It took a long time for me to fully process all the wounding from my past that led me to chose insecure and unavailable partners….part of it was this incorrect story that I had to choose someone who would validate me after I had validated him. I know why I had that tape in my head..but it led me to pick partners who were not able to fully be in relationship with me. I had to change how I would pick partners, not learn every nuance of attachment theory. It also required a not so subtle shift from being “other” focused to bring the focus back on “me”. It is a great feeling to take back my power..even if that means I have to own making choices that were not, in hindsight, the best. I wish you luck going forward.
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