Post by caroline on Jan 26, 2023 22:28:39 GMT
I'm in a situationship with a guy for almost a year and i get tons of mixed signals from him which confuse me, so i'd appreciate your feedback on this..
We're not in a committed relationship, more like friends with occasional benefits i guess. Despite seeming like a shy guy, he flirted with me after we first met and eventually invited me to go for a daily hike together. We had an amazing time together and ended up having sex. He said at the time that it was "magical", but the next day i got a phone call from him saying that he's not emotionally available for a relationship and it would be best if we just leave this as a one-time thing (he explained his unavailability is because he's grieving the recent loss of his sister).
I didn't necessarily want a serious relationship with him either but i did want to see him again and was disappointed hearing this... but respected his choice and decided not to contact him further.
However, he was often looking for excuses to contact me- sometimes by text but mostly by phone, saying "we can still be friends". Our phone calls could last an hour at a time and i assumed that no one would waste hours talking to someone they're not interested in... Gradually it felt like we're getting closer and i really wanted to be there for him as a friend even if nothing happens beyond that friendship.
On the other hand, on many occasions he would treat me in a very cold manner- ignoring my texts or responding after several days with some distant reply like "i'm busy". Every time he went cold on me i would decide that i'm not making an effort to contact him anymore, and every time he was the one to come back trying to get close to me again.
We live quite a long distance from each other, so most of our communication is by phone/texts, but every couple of months we meet, often by his initiative (after saying on our first "date" to leave it as a one-time thing).
He never mentions any feelings for me. On very rare occasions he would tell me that he misses me, but that is really the most emotion he ever expressed in words. He doesn't respond to my expressions either- sometimes i tell him i miss him and all he says is "i understand".
He rarely talks about his emotions on any subject, only mentions that he's depressed and detached since his sister's death and usually not willing to talk about it beyond that.
Very often even a simple question of "how are you feeling today?" from my side results in him ignoring me or making me feel like an unwanted intruder.
When we meet he can just stand there and hug me for 15 minutes without letting go, smelling my hair... it usually leads to sex which begins very emotional and intense, but once we're done he gets extremely detached- he doesn't even stay next to me in bed, but just gets dressed and sits on the other side of the bed from me, either silently or talking about some casual unrelated stuff. Never saying he enjoyed it or expressing anything related to that. No communication during sex- never asking me if i like it or if there's something i want to do, seems like he's mostly focused on himself. If i want him to do something i have to specifically ask for it, and very often i will get the feeling that he's not really interested and only does it because i asked.
The finale of our every meeting is him completely cutting any contact with me for about a week, sometimes longer. If i initiate the slightest contact during this time (even a simple text "how are you?"), he will respond something distant or not respond at all, and it will usually take him a couple of weeks to resume regular contact like before.
So far it all sounds like why do i even bother? I can't imagine any person behaving this way towards someone he has feelings for or considers to be his friend. On many occasions i just think that he likes having me around for some nice casual sex and that's it. But he is a good looking guy and can surely find casual sex partners much closer to him and without needing to talk with them on the phone for hours. Is it really worth making the effort to drive all the long way to see me just to have sex without any feelings involved?
The problem is that as time goes by i develop stronger feelings for him, becoming emotionally involved. I can no longer make a rational decision whether to stay or just leave him alone because i'm afraid that maybe i'm just misinterpreting some of his behaviour as a sign that he is emotionally involved as well, while in reality he is just using me for some occasional fun.
How can i tell if his cold episodes are an avoidant pattern or he's just being an egoistic jerk?
I don't want to ask him about it directly as he always perceives my attempts to talk about feelings as a personal criticism...
We're not in a committed relationship, more like friends with occasional benefits i guess. Despite seeming like a shy guy, he flirted with me after we first met and eventually invited me to go for a daily hike together. We had an amazing time together and ended up having sex. He said at the time that it was "magical", but the next day i got a phone call from him saying that he's not emotionally available for a relationship and it would be best if we just leave this as a one-time thing (he explained his unavailability is because he's grieving the recent loss of his sister).
I didn't necessarily want a serious relationship with him either but i did want to see him again and was disappointed hearing this... but respected his choice and decided not to contact him further.
However, he was often looking for excuses to contact me- sometimes by text but mostly by phone, saying "we can still be friends". Our phone calls could last an hour at a time and i assumed that no one would waste hours talking to someone they're not interested in... Gradually it felt like we're getting closer and i really wanted to be there for him as a friend even if nothing happens beyond that friendship.
On the other hand, on many occasions he would treat me in a very cold manner- ignoring my texts or responding after several days with some distant reply like "i'm busy". Every time he went cold on me i would decide that i'm not making an effort to contact him anymore, and every time he was the one to come back trying to get close to me again.
We live quite a long distance from each other, so most of our communication is by phone/texts, but every couple of months we meet, often by his initiative (after saying on our first "date" to leave it as a one-time thing).
He never mentions any feelings for me. On very rare occasions he would tell me that he misses me, but that is really the most emotion he ever expressed in words. He doesn't respond to my expressions either- sometimes i tell him i miss him and all he says is "i understand".
He rarely talks about his emotions on any subject, only mentions that he's depressed and detached since his sister's death and usually not willing to talk about it beyond that.
Very often even a simple question of "how are you feeling today?" from my side results in him ignoring me or making me feel like an unwanted intruder.
When we meet he can just stand there and hug me for 15 minutes without letting go, smelling my hair... it usually leads to sex which begins very emotional and intense, but once we're done he gets extremely detached- he doesn't even stay next to me in bed, but just gets dressed and sits on the other side of the bed from me, either silently or talking about some casual unrelated stuff. Never saying he enjoyed it or expressing anything related to that. No communication during sex- never asking me if i like it or if there's something i want to do, seems like he's mostly focused on himself. If i want him to do something i have to specifically ask for it, and very often i will get the feeling that he's not really interested and only does it because i asked.
The finale of our every meeting is him completely cutting any contact with me for about a week, sometimes longer. If i initiate the slightest contact during this time (even a simple text "how are you?"), he will respond something distant or not respond at all, and it will usually take him a couple of weeks to resume regular contact like before.
So far it all sounds like why do i even bother? I can't imagine any person behaving this way towards someone he has feelings for or considers to be his friend. On many occasions i just think that he likes having me around for some nice casual sex and that's it. But he is a good looking guy and can surely find casual sex partners much closer to him and without needing to talk with them on the phone for hours. Is it really worth making the effort to drive all the long way to see me just to have sex without any feelings involved?
The problem is that as time goes by i develop stronger feelings for him, becoming emotionally involved. I can no longer make a rational decision whether to stay or just leave him alone because i'm afraid that maybe i'm just misinterpreting some of his behaviour as a sign that he is emotionally involved as well, while in reality he is just using me for some occasional fun.
How can i tell if his cold episodes are an avoidant pattern or he's just being an egoistic jerk?
I don't want to ask him about it directly as he always perceives my attempts to talk about feelings as a personal criticism...
