Some basic advice please

Hi and welcome.  I think the best way to approach this is to only speak from your own perspective with open ended questions.  Right now, you are basically telling her what you think she is thinking and in those cases…she is providing a yes or no answer.  Try something along these lines.  “I am really enjoying our time together and spending time doing x with you.  How do you feel when we are doing x together?”  This approach opens dialogue.  I will add however, that if she truly has FA attachment wounding, she is going to have a rough time with expressing her feelings….because there typically is a lot of “fear” that comes up in relationships.  Is she getting any help for her attachment wounding?

When I dated my most serious FA ex as an adult, on and off for 2.5 years, he said he wanted a lot of things in the relationship. But it turned out that due to his unaddressed issues, his words could be idealized without much follow through or foundation for them. So it was often that his words, actions, and feelings didn't match up with each other. For example, after some unpleasant prior relationships, he said early on that he prioritized open communication over everything. I did my best to try to do this with him, but he didn't acknowledge (until after a big breakup and reconciliation a couple years in) that he actually had deep communication block problems and couldn't actually provide open communication on his end at the time. Part of this, also seemingly unknown to him, was his FA style caused him to be disconnected from himself and not actually know what he wanted much of the time, contributing to his inability to communicate it.

What he really actually wanted, it became more obvious over time, was: 1. to have a girlfriend / best friend he didn't feel the need to question might be lying to him or cheating, but without him needing to reciprocate this with the same transparency (he was never cheating on me or anything, though) 2. to feel on a surface level that all was right or perfect in the relationship, without getting into anything but the good; surpressing or ignoring that there might be anything bad or messy that simply comes with normal life and its challenges. FA attachment brings about a need for a dynamic of 'don't come too close but please don't go too far either'. Creating some distance (secrecy, not opening up) subconsciously allows the FA to feel like they have one foot in and one foot out, so not too close to feel trapped, overwhelmed, or smothered by their own nervous systems. It's nothing personal against you, it's a defense mechanism response out of past trauma that they need to decide for themselves as adults to work through or not. No one does this until they are personally ready to in life, and it's less likely to happen if they are unaware of their issues or have no real interest in learning or doing anything about them.

I couldn't do anything for my FA ex to help or change his perspectives. I either needed to accept that there was a limit to the depth, openness, and vulnerability and communication he was able to provide, or accept that maybe we weren't compatible enough or looking to have the same type of romantic relationship. Either way, I needed to give him space to be himself, not push him, not make assumptions, not expect him to change or meet me halfway or be anything other than exactly who he was, not expect him to give anything other than exactly what he was giving.

What I could do was focus on myself and be honest with myself about if my own needs were getting shoved down in that situation, and if this was a net gain making my life better or a net emotional drain sucking energy and happiness away from me. I had difficulty doing this in this first half of our relationship because I had an AP attachment style, and the mismatch in needs led to our first breakup. I was much better about it the second time around after I worked on myself to become more secure, and could be more honest with myself about what was working and what wasn't and what I actually wanted in a partner.

In the meantime, take her at face value when she says things, don't make assumptions and attach more meaning to it that's projected from how you'd be thinking about things. People are wired differently. And stay very consistent in how you are with her, make sure your own words and actions match each other as often as you can, as it is impossible to build trust otherwise as the relationship deepens.