Experienced a unusual Blind side break up | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

jp
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Posts: 3

Experienced a unusual Blind side break up Mar 4, 2023 0:09:34 GMT

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Post by jp on Mar 4, 2023 0:09:34 GMT

i had been seeing a lady about 4 months everything was good .I knew she came from a tough upringing with a mother she hates and a step mother she hates.She was bashed by her previous partner for 18 yrs .She got the courage to leave when he attempted to kill her 5yrs ago.
We were really good everything was good .She found it hard to look at me at first and hid she had a tooth knocked out but she relaxed after a month or so. She would only call me her friend not boyfriend and sometimes she said she got tired and didnt really want to come around but she did for me because she knew i wanted to see her. She was very jealous of my ex partner who is a beautiful woman she banned me from talking to her.Which is fine twice she had some moment where she said how much she cared and wanted to get married in the future and she said you dont understand and that she isnt perfect .and told me begged me not to leave her. Which i didnt understand .

a few weeks ago she had one of these talks where she asked me not to leave and if i did she would send her boys around to bash me etc it .it was disturbing but i understand what she means .(note this relationship is a little over 4 mths)

two weeks ago her son had a new baby.I texted her good morning and asked her how things are she responded to my texts ..

the night before the son had set her up with a birthday dinner with the abusive ex which she felt she had to attend for the son.i guy who said he will kill her if she sees someone else

Hi John
I need to tell you how i am feeling .your a nice guy and i appreciate how you treat me.
But i feel overwhelmed.
I have a new grand son that i love and cherish that much and want to spend every minute that i can with (note this is true)
I am working 5 days a week now .(note some shifts are 10 hours)
im feeling like a shitty person because you want to spend time with me and im exhausted.
My kids are my world i would do anything for them they come first.even before myself (this is true)
I up at Cades every night until 11 pm helping them out as much as i can.
you constantly texting me and if i dont reply im feeling like a shitty person again and i dont like feeling like this.
Im sorry but i just dont have any time or any desire for a man in my life at the moment.

you deserve more than i can give you.
I had hoped i might be ready for a relationship but im not.

Came out of the blue .

alexandra
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Posts: 2,911

Experienced a unusual Blind side break up Mar 4, 2023 0:56:56 GMT via mobile

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Post by alexandra on Mar 4, 2023 0:56:56 GMT

What's unusual about this? She was giving indicators the entire 4 months that she wasn't ready for a relationship, but she was trying anyway. Then she realized she's really not ready, even though she tried. That has nothing to do with you. When you have a background of trauma like she does, then it doesn't necessarily matter how much you may care for another person. If you haven't done the work to heal your past, you may not be ready to be a healthy partner to someone else. Especially if you don't know how to love yourself or don't have healthy boundaries with other people. Has she ever gotten treatment for all the abuse she's endured?

I'm sure you're upset this didn't work out, and that's understandable when you care about someone. Breakups always suck, pretty much universally. Sometimes while you're in something, you don't see the signals until you look in hindsight, especially when people struggle to communicate well. I think you need to take her at her word that she still has struggles she needs to deal with (though she may choose never to deal with them... it is her choice, though), and there is nothing you can do about that besides wish her the best, take time to mourn the relationship, and take care of yourself.

Last Edit: Mar 4, 2023 0:57:24 GMT by alexandra

lovebunny
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Posts: 293

Experienced a unusual Blind side break up Mar 4, 2023 13:17:47 GMT introvert likes this

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Post by lovebunny on Mar 4, 2023 13:17:47 GMT

Ah, the old "I can't give you what you deserve."

I've heard that one plenty of times. It means....they want out.

Your job now is to gather up your dignity, say "thank you for your honesty, best of luck in your future endeavors," and retreat. And stay gone.

I'm sorry, I know it hurts when you're into someone who isn't meeting you where you're at. We're here if you need to talk it out.

jp
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Posts: 3

Experienced a unusual Blind side break up Mar 5, 2023 6:29:52 GMT via mobile

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Post by jp on Mar 5, 2023 6:29:52 GMT

this is more about me I know she has something going on and I will get another chance later. I can cut people off in my mind no problem but I can't ever let them back in.i think I don't want to cut this one out.i can meet women easily that's no problem but this one is different.

introvert
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Posts: 1,122

Experienced a unusual Blind side break up Mar 5, 2023 16:49:39 GMT via mobile

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Post by introvert on Mar 5, 2023 16:49:39 GMT

It's so beautiful that she is dedicating herself to help with the new baby. Parents of a newborn are often overwhelmed and in need of all kinds of support. It sounds like she is very invested in creating a good environment for her new grandbaby, and that is where she wants to direct her energy. I have 3 grandchildren, and the legacy I create for them is the most important thing to me, and that means also healing and taking care of my legacy with my young adult children. If my partner were not aligned with that then I would prefer to be single so that I could focus on my family. He is also very family oriented and has become a tremendous source of nourishment and support to me as a mother and grandmother, it is an important element of our whole relationship. Especially with my grandchildren, he is hands on help, and has a loving and committed relationship with THEM as well as with me.

So, without trauma being the basis of her choice, I completely understand why she does not want to divide her focus at this time in her life and the lives of her family. There is nothing dysfunctional in this at all. A new relationship would detract from her ability to he the genadmother and mother she wants to be right now, and she only has a finite amount of physical energy, especially if she is old enough to have a grandchild.

I think its very healthy that she was able to express to you what her priority is, and also to express that she experiences negativity she doesn't want to carry when she is unable to give you the attention you would like. It's not a problem to want attention from a partner, not at all, so I'm not saying anything critical about you. But the fact that she isn't in the space to develop a new relationship is also very understandable.

Last Edit: Mar 5, 2023 16:50:32 GMT by introvert

jp
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Posts: 3

Experienced a unusual Blind side break up Mar 5, 2023 21:08:41 GMT via mobile

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Post by jp on Mar 5, 2023 21:08:41 GMT

my sister said the same thing she saw we were very close but also said it's typical of her she puts the kids first.

I was caught out by this change as it happened in just a couple of days.

thank you it helps my understanding to see others points of view.

I can see the conflict between her time .I didn't see it and pull back in time

introvert
Honored Contributor

Posts: 1,122

Experienced a unusual Blind side break up Mar 6, 2023 18:13:52 GMT via mobile

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Post by introvert on Mar 6, 2023 18:13:52 GMT

Mar 5, 2023 21:08:41 GMT jp said:

my sister said the same thing she saw we were very close but also said it's typical of her she puts the kids first.

I was caught out by this change as it happened in just a couple of days.

thank you it helps my understanding to see others points of view.

I can see the conflict between her time .I didn't see it and pull back in time

Yes, and there is no way you could have known what was going on inside her, so it's good that she took care to let you know. In terms of breakups, it is undoubtedly very painful, but try to take comfort in the fact that she was respectful and communicative with you, instead of ghosting you or blaming you. She no doubt is trying to take care of a family deeply impacted by trauma, so while she isn't in a place to do relationship work, she is surely doing her very best for her family. All you can do is let go and recover from your own hurt and disappointment. I'm sorry you've experienced this.