Post by tuttifruiti11 on Mar 15, 2023 22:45:28 GMT
Ok, I need an opinion on this situation that’s been weighing heavy on my mind recently.
I matched with a 39 year old guy (I just turned 32) who was SO interested in me on an app in August. Since I realized we lived really far, I didn’t care to continue the conversation, but he reached back out again in september, telling me he has a 2nd home he’s at all the time and it’s not as far as I think it is and that he’s open to settling there full time in the future. From then on, he relentlessly pursued me - making trips to his 2nd home (an hour away from me) to take me out on really nice dates. I saw him about once a week for 2ish months (7 dates total). Just the way he acted around me, I could tell he was obsessed with me in a genuine way (always asking questions about me/my life/my goals, telling me how pretty/adorable/beautiful I am, spending hours upon hours with me on dates, talking about fun dates we could go on together, being super respectful and agreeing with me on my boundaries around sex, the list goes ON).
On what would have been our 5th date, I told him I was tired from a stressful week at work and asked if we could table our adventurous plans for the day (I realize I wasn’t super clear and meant I wanted to do something else, not cancel them). The night before this we had a conversation about his frequent travel and seeing each other more regularly. After I sent the text, he freaked out and broke up with me saying “I haven’t been casual in dating you, I’ve been making efforts to see you all the time, I can tell it’s not enough for you so you should go find someone else. Wish you the best.” Talk about pulling the rug from under me? I clarified and said no, I wanted to see you today I just wanted to see if we could do something else and yesterday on the call I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page with dating intentions. I ended up apologizing and telling him I’m sorry I know he’s trying, and I want to have a conversation with him. Right after that, he said “ok, I’m coming down to see you.” He came down that night and got takeout with me, kissed me and held me in his arms, and told me how much he liked me and wanted to make things work with me. I said, “did you really want me to go find someone else???” And he said “NO!!! I don’t” while holding my hands.
After that night, things got weird. He pulled back and became a little distant with our 6th date, but we still went on 2 more dates. The 7th date was probably our best one - it was a long night out together and we had so much fun. A week after our 7th date, I ended up getting the flu. We were supposed to hang out that weekend and he never brought up the plans (I did to tell him I was sick) and he was nice but not overly caring, checking in on me and saying maybe we could do something the following day. I told him the next day that I was still unwell but would really like to see him, and he’s welcome to come over (but understand if he isn’t comfortable with that). He was like nah, I think I’m gonna work tonight. Ok, fine. He stopped bringing up plans after that even though I was better. I asked if we could chat on the phone (hoping he’d ask me out) and nothing, even though we spoke for 2 hours (which he would have stayed on longer had I not had to go). Basically after almost 3 weeks, he almost completely withdrew and so did I. When i told him how I was feeling about things in a really frank way, he basically said “i haven’t been feeling good about the momentum. Ive been thinking a lot these past few days because I really like you and I’ve wanted things to work very much and I figure we can talk about things later this week” so that sounded optimistic to me!
Later that week came and he became very, very cold towards me and ended up breaking up with me on the phone a week before my bday. It was such a cold and emotionless breakup, and he had no logical reason other than “this isn’t going anywhere.” I was so confused because we had seen each other twice in a week prior and had such a fun date, not to mention our already solid connection. We had spoken about all the other fun things we were planning to do in the future. I figured something I said must have turned him off when I approached him about how I was feeling, so I apologized in a text later and told him I wanted things to work and wished him the best. His reply was like “I wasn’t blaming you for how you felt I just felt bad things weren’t working. I want you to be happy not the cause of you being unhappy.” And a couple of other niceties thrown in that make me feel like he was having personal fears about commitment/ moving forward.
I’m feeling like maybe this is a classic case of Fearful Avoidant behavior. Coming on so strong (with 1 foot out the door) only to leave suddenly (not once, but twice). His relationship history is spotty at best (mentions he’s been rejected and ghosted a lot in the past) and also mentioned he hadn’t had any serious relationships for at least 8-10 years. Frequent traveler for sports. I know our distance wasn’t a huge issue because he’s at his 2nd home every single week. If he needed me to come to him more, I would think he would have asked. All of this has just left me super confused because it seemed like it had so much potential.
I matched with a 39 year old guy (I just turned 32) who was SO interested in me on an app in August. Since I realized we lived really far, I didn’t care to continue the conversation, but he reached back out again in september, telling me he has a 2nd home he’s at all the time and it’s not as far as I think it is and that he’s open to settling there full time in the future. From then on, he relentlessly pursued me - making trips to his 2nd home (an hour away from me) to take me out on really nice dates. I saw him about once a week for 2ish months (7 dates total). Just the way he acted around me, I could tell he was obsessed with me in a genuine way (always asking questions about me/my life/my goals, telling me how pretty/adorable/beautiful I am, spending hours upon hours with me on dates, talking about fun dates we could go on together, being super respectful and agreeing with me on my boundaries around sex, the list goes ON).
On what would have been our 5th date, I told him I was tired from a stressful week at work and asked if we could table our adventurous plans for the day (I realize I wasn’t super clear and meant I wanted to do something else, not cancel them). The night before this we had a conversation about his frequent travel and seeing each other more regularly. After I sent the text, he freaked out and broke up with me saying “I haven’t been casual in dating you, I’ve been making efforts to see you all the time, I can tell it’s not enough for you so you should go find someone else. Wish you the best.” Talk about pulling the rug from under me? I clarified and said no, I wanted to see you today I just wanted to see if we could do something else and yesterday on the call I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page with dating intentions. I ended up apologizing and telling him I’m sorry I know he’s trying, and I want to have a conversation with him. Right after that, he said “ok, I’m coming down to see you.” He came down that night and got takeout with me, kissed me and held me in his arms, and told me how much he liked me and wanted to make things work with me. I said, “did you really want me to go find someone else???” And he said “NO!!! I don’t” while holding my hands.
After that night, things got weird. He pulled back and became a little distant with our 6th date, but we still went on 2 more dates. The 7th date was probably our best one - it was a long night out together and we had so much fun. A week after our 7th date, I ended up getting the flu. We were supposed to hang out that weekend and he never brought up the plans (I did to tell him I was sick) and he was nice but not overly caring, checking in on me and saying maybe we could do something the following day. I told him the next day that I was still unwell but would really like to see him, and he’s welcome to come over (but understand if he isn’t comfortable with that). He was like nah, I think I’m gonna work tonight. Ok, fine. He stopped bringing up plans after that even though I was better. I asked if we could chat on the phone (hoping he’d ask me out) and nothing, even though we spoke for 2 hours (which he would have stayed on longer had I not had to go). Basically after almost 3 weeks, he almost completely withdrew and so did I. When i told him how I was feeling about things in a really frank way, he basically said “i haven’t been feeling good about the momentum. Ive been thinking a lot these past few days because I really like you and I’ve wanted things to work very much and I figure we can talk about things later this week” so that sounded optimistic to me!
Later that week came and he became very, very cold towards me and ended up breaking up with me on the phone a week before my bday. It was such a cold and emotionless breakup, and he had no logical reason other than “this isn’t going anywhere.” I was so confused because we had seen each other twice in a week prior and had such a fun date, not to mention our already solid connection. We had spoken about all the other fun things we were planning to do in the future. I figured something I said must have turned him off when I approached him about how I was feeling, so I apologized in a text later and told him I wanted things to work and wished him the best. His reply was like “I wasn’t blaming you for how you felt I just felt bad things weren’t working. I want you to be happy not the cause of you being unhappy.” And a couple of other niceties thrown in that make me feel like he was having personal fears about commitment/ moving forward.
I’m feeling like maybe this is a classic case of Fearful Avoidant behavior. Coming on so strong (with 1 foot out the door) only to leave suddenly (not once, but twice). His relationship history is spotty at best (mentions he’s been rejected and ghosted a lot in the past) and also mentioned he hadn’t had any serious relationships for at least 8-10 years. Frequent traveler for sports. I know our distance wasn’t a huge issue because he’s at his 2nd home every single week. If he needed me to come to him more, I would think he would have asked. All of this has just left me super confused because it seemed like it had so much potential.
