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Post by sunshine400 on Mar 22, 2023 10:58:44 GMT
Recently broke up with DA ex and we went NC. After about a month I changed my profile picture and he suddenly messaged me. It was like seeing it reminded him that I existed. I also noticed during dating a lot of the time he would only contact me if I posted something on social media or changed picture or something like that. it was like he didn't think about me until he saw something that reminded him. I know a lot of DAs are out of sight out of mind. But I'm also confused why he contacted me after he said he never wanted to speak to me again. it's like all the stuff he said he just ignored and acted like it hadn't happened. he also wants to meet but won't give me a day.
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Post by lovebunny on Mar 22, 2023 12:55:34 GMT
Hi Sunshine400.
I can't tell you what's going on in his head, but I can tell you it doesn't matter.
The way he contacts you as if nothing ever happened is called a "reset" and it is a huge mindf**k. It's a way of keeping the r'ship on his level without having to deal with any of the issues.
I understand wanting to understand why he does what he does, but it's more important to understand why YOU are wasting your precious energy dissecting his social media habits.
I'm guessing what you want, ultimately, is a relationship where you actually get to be in someone's arms, get to talk to them, get to be with them, someone who reaches back when you reach out instead of dropping you breadcrumbs of contact over social media. Imagine how nice it would be to have someone who makes plans, keeps promises and doesn't leave you wondering what's going on in their heart and mind.
Technically, the "right" way to do no contact is to unfollow on social media AND block them from seeing you AND not respond if they contact. That's hard, I know (I'm anxiously attached and recently got dumped by a fearful avoidant--again) I still let him see me on social media, but then I have stupid feelings when he does or does not like my posts, so I get how frightening it is to go totally NO CONTACT.
Have you read any of the Baggage Reclaim stuff by Natalie Lue? I found it super helpful when I first started dealing with my own tendencies to ruminate over unavailable partners.
What do you think is the advantage of giving him access to you right now? If you recently broke up, it's probably too soon to be friends, no?
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Post by introvert on Mar 22, 2023 14:17:20 GMT
If someone says they never want to see you again, make sure they don't.
For your own good don't make yourself available in any way to that person, what you see is what you get.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 22, 2023 15:46:54 GMT
If someone really doesn't think about you unless you're in front of them, it means at best they dissociate to handle stress and at worst they have issues with "object permanence." The latter is not a DA thing, it's separate and usually a bigger problem. For either of these, they have nothing to do with you and are nothing you can fix.
The biggest issue isn't asking this question. It's asking why you'd ever want to stay in touch with someone capable of treating you that way. Who wants a romantic partner, or even a friend, who is thoughtless towards you? That isn't the purpose of a relationship, which is supposed to add value to your life, lift you up, and provide you with someone who supports you and is trustworthy, secure, and safe, right?
I agree to block him at this point.
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