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Post by krolle on Apr 7, 2023 1:21:21 GMT
After over a year of what I feel has been a very positive and mature relationship with my girlfriend, we just hit a major roadblock. Perhaps a dealbreaker.
Feeling pretty bummed out about this after a long period of hopefulness (rare for me).
What it boils down to is a difference in ideologies. But I'm disoriented about what to do. Do I abandon myself and just hide who I am to get a bunch of my other needs met.
Or do I stay true to myself and lose not only her, but likely many of my best friends. Maybe there's a grey area I can't see.
just upset and venting....
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 7, 2023 2:28:51 GMT
Do I abandon myself and just hide who I am to get a bunch of my other needs met.
Or do I stay true to myself and lose not only her, but likely many of my best friends. Maybe there's a grey area I can't see.
When you phrase it this way…I would move forward with option 2 because option 1 will leave you resentful. However….does it really come down to only 2 options? (That is a question posed to you)..
My mom and stepfather love and care for each other but politically they are polar opposites….which I think leaves both of them feeling a bit “unheard”. It all boils down to how strongly they both feel and an unwillingness to consider the other person’s point of view. Not sure if you and your gf are experiencing this type of brick wall…..
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 7, 2023 3:51:35 GMT
I don't know your situation, but sometimes us insecures see things in black and white only. As in I only see these two options when a secure partnership may be able to navigate it together and find a third option through.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2023 4:40:10 GMT
I'm very sorry to hear this krolle. Would you care to share more? You must feel very impacted by this... maybe some time to process will provide some insight into how you can navigate it within the relationship. Maybe not, I don't know whats right for you, but I know couples that have very divergent views and have great relationships because of the mutual respect and some boundaries. I guess it depends on what it is... either way we are here for you bud. |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 7, 2023 8:24:06 GMT
Depending on what it is, don't abandon yourself at all, but examine your views and ideologies and why you have them. Are they truly yours? Are they coming from fear / distrust? Are they someone else's voice in your head? Is it something you are well-educated about? Or is it something with other perspectives you should consider? It may not be something with other perspectives that should be considered, this is not an invitation to twist yourself around and suppress feelings to accommodate others. It is simply a suggestion to connect better to yourself to make it easier to figure out what you want to do next.
On the flip side, are their ideologies even acceptable to you? Are these people you feel comfortable surrounding yourself with, now that you know more about their beliefs? It isn't all about them accepting you, depending on the issue, and is a two-way street.
Or is it something you can listen to her side on and coexist with?
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roadblock
Apr 7, 2023 23:52:56 GMT
via mobile
Post by krolle on Apr 7, 2023 23:52:56 GMT
Do I abandon myself and just hide who I am to get a bunch of my other needs met. Or do I stay true to myself and lose not only her, but likely many of my best friends. Maybe there's a grey area I can't see. When you phrase it this way…I would move forward with option 2 because option 1 will leave you resentful. However….does it really come down to only 2 options? (That is a question posed to you).. My mom and stepfather love and care for each other but politically they are polar opposites….which I think leaves both of them feeling a bit “unheard”. It all boils down to how strongly they both feel and an unwillingness to consider the other person’s point of view. Not sure if you and your gf are experiencing this type of brick wall….. Thankyou for the thoughtful response. It's interesting that your mom and stepfather are that way. I suppose it's not necessarily an unwillingness to see her point of view. More so an incapability.....Along the same lines as conflicts me and you have had before. Like I really try...but it's like I'm missing the hardware to interpret things a certain way. And it makes me feel angry. I'v had so many experiences where I'm desperatately trying to see things a certain way to connect or understand others but just cant. |
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roadblock
Apr 7, 2023 23:54:53 GMT
via mobile
Post by krolle on Apr 7, 2023 23:54:53 GMT
I don't know your situation, but sometimes us insecures see things in black and white only. As in I only see these two options when a secure partnership may be able to navigate it together and find a third option through. I'm trying to explore this. But its gard without feeling I'm abandoning myself. |
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Post by krolle on Apr 8, 2023 0:03:54 GMT
I'm very sorry to hear this krolle. Would you care to share more? You must feel very impacted by this... maybe some time to process will provide some insight into how you can navigate it within the relationship. Maybe not, I don't know whats right for you, but I know couples that have very divergent views and have great relationships because of the mutual respect and some boundaries. I guess it depends on what it is... either way we are here for you bud. I dont feel safe to share more. It has ended badly every time I have tried previously. Though I did get a nice pleasant feeling when you said you are there for me. I'm frightened that the subject in question is important enough to her that she will be repulsed by my own views on it. Although I actually shared my opinion on the matter very early on in our relationship. She seems kind of shocked every time I stand my ground on it. like she has kind of ignored it because of her hopes for the relationship or something. |
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Post by krolle on Apr 8, 2023 0:14:55 GMT
Depending on what it is, don't abandon yourself at all, but examine your views and ideologies and why you have them. Are they truly yours? Are they coming from fear / distrust? Are they someone else's voice in your head? Is it something you are well-educated about? Or is it something with other perspectives you should consider? It may not be something with other perspectives that should be considered, this is not an invitation to twist yourself around and suppress feelings to accommodate others. It is simply a suggestion to connect better to yourself to make it easier to figure out what you want to do next. On the flip side, are their ideologies even acceptable to you? Are these people you feel comfortable surrounding yourself with, now that you know more about their beliefs? It isn't all about them accepting you, depending on the issue, and is a two-way street. Or is it something you can listen to her side on and coexist with? How do I know what are my views and those implanted? is there a difference? Secondarily I'v always felt my opinions are different from just about everybody. If I were to stand my ground,even with many of my best friends, I would be ostracised. I understand the logic behind not abandoning yourself and it leading to resentment. But I always have to balance that with the ability to meet my needs. Which seem impossible to achieve without abandoning myself. The feeling I get is probably the most common one experienced by FA's, which is the catch 22, or sense of disorientation about the best course of action. Regarding listening to her about this, then I have tried before. Its sort of like the experience I have had on the forum previously on occasion. Her explanations seem emotionally based and nonsensical to me. I dont say as such of course, because I dont want to hurt her. |
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Post by mrob on Apr 8, 2023 0:40:00 GMT
I have views about some life things that are incompatible with most others at this point in time. In 20 years it may be different as the world cycles on, but not now. My second wife has the polar opposite view of these life things. It was hard at times. We parent differently because of them. Some subjects were never safe at the dinner table. Interestingly, this was all I thought I had left of myself when we separated. I’d compromised everything else and felt like a shell.
Compromise doesn’t always have to feel like a betrayal of oneself, but there are definitely dealbreakers. What hill are you prepared to die on? Only you can answer that one.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 8, 2023 1:10:09 GMT
Do I abandon myself and just hide who I am to get a bunch of my other needs met. Or do I stay true to myself and lose not only her, but likely many of my best friends. Maybe there's a grey area I can't see. When you phrase it this way…I would move forward with option 2 because option 1 will leave you resentful. However….does it really come down to only 2 options? (That is a question posed to you).. My mom and stepfather love and care for each other but politically they are polar opposites….which I think leaves both of them feeling a bit “unheard”. It all boils down to how strongly they both feel and an unwillingness to consider the other person’s point of view. Not sure if you and your gf are experiencing this type of brick wall….. Thankyou for the thoughtful response. It's interesting that your mom and stepfather are that way. I suppose it's not necessarily an unwillingness to see her point of view. More so an incapability.....Along the same lines as conflicts me and you have had before. Like I really try...but it's like I'm missing the hardware to interpret things a certain way. And it makes me feel angry. I'v had so many experiences where I'm desperatately trying to see things a certain way to connect or understand others but just cant. The difference between my stepfather’s interaction with my mom and your interaction with me is that you admit you cannot see my point of view….and agreeing to disagree has not created any rift between us. When questioned about a topic, my stepfather will automatically go into a defensive mode so the conversation becomes rather circular. So instead, I connect with him through horror movies….I am not the biggest fan, but it isn’t as charged for him. My mom just gets exasperated….because their lenses on politics is also a lens on hobbies, life beliefs etc. it goes very deep and is a bit sad to watch. My mom and I connect through politics because we both have the same view. I don’t necessarily think you need to understand another person’s point of view to respect them. I respect you even though we disagreed. Here is an idea…call me wacky….but can you have a neutral friend be an arbitrator…..your gf might be too closely connected to her view of the topic and a neutral friend might be able to explain it in a less emotional, more rational way that you can understand. Just a thought. 🙂 |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 8, 2023 1:20:56 GMT
How do I know what are my views and those implanted? is there a difference? In my opinion, when you can't discern why you have a certain opinion at all, like it doesn't really make sense when you think about it and you can't explain it, then it's probably something someone else impressed upon you at some point. An example I can give: I had an attraction preference (though not need) for light eyes. But really, why? It isn't something that actually matters to me at all, it has zero bearing on relationship compatibility. I wouldn't not date someone due to their eye color. So, why would I care enough to have a preference? Yeah, western culture pushes it with beauty ideals, but it wasn't quite that. Anyway, I eventually realized I had a much older relative with NPD who impressed their own totally subjective opinions onto everyone all through my youth, because that's what narcissists do, and that person was an adult who was always positioned as better than everyone else, because that's what narcissists try to maintain, too. (Ironically, that relative didn't even have light eyes.) So at some point as a kid I internalized some of those totally superficial and unimportant opinions like that one. And once I could connect that and explain that to myself, all that stuff I internalized from someone else didn't matter anymore at all because deep down, I personally really didn't care all that much and never had (or else I'd have only dated people with a certain eye color, a preference of that relative which frankly was probably a vestige of the normalized racism of that older generation). Edit to add: I'd also consider if you hold opinions that exist because you view everything with a lens of distrust, which is coloring your opinion about things that would look different if you could be more objective or neutral about them. That may be tough, but distrust, shame, and fear can make things appear a lot less benign than perhaps they actually are. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2023 1:24:06 GMT
I'm very sorry to hear this krolle. Would you care to share more? You must feel very impacted by this... maybe some time to process will provide some insight into how you can navigate it within the relationship. Maybe not, I don't know whats right for you, but I know couples that have very divergent views and have great relationships because of the mutual respect and some boundaries. I guess it depends on what it is... either way we are here for you bud. I dont feel safe to share more. It has ended badly every time I have tried previously. Though I did get a nice pleasant feeling when you said you are there for me. I'm frightened that the subject in question is important enough to her that she will be repulsed by my own views on it. Although I actually shared my opinion on the matter very early on in our relationship. She seems kind of shocked every time I stand my ground on it. like she has kind of ignored it because of her hopes for the relationship or something. I'm sorry, if I have hurt you I am unaware. But yeah, I don't think it's that uncommon to kind of gloss over or minimize some things early on only to have them come back to bite later. So sorry you are going through it. |
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 9, 2023 0:12:58 GMT
"Her explanations seem emotionally based and nonsensical to me."
This feels like a "judgement" about her views. Do you feel your views are based in something other then emotions and your experiences? Like is there a subjective logical right to you?
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