Seeking insights and reassurance on a healing journey

Hi all. I’m looking for some possible insights I haven’t encountered or considered in my journey through grief and working through attachment trauma since the breakup of my 13-year-long relationship. I’ll try to keep the details essential to my own experience. I’m M, early 50s, and was primarily AP in this relationship. My ex is F, late 40s, and was primarily DA. Neither of us were aware of attachment theory or the anxious-avoidant dynamic until the very last few days of our time together. In hindsight I can recognize many of our relational patterns through the lens of attachment theory. That said, I’m cautious about attributing “causality” even though attachment theory has helped me immensely in my own growth and learning.

Eighteen months ago, over the course of a few days, my partner of 13 years decided to dissolve our relationship in a way that I experienced as unexpected and traumatic. There was no prior discussion that would have led me to think that she had been metabolizing her decision for as long as she had been. In the weeks leading up to this she had told me that her hair had started to fall out in clumps in the shower, and we had one particularly difficult string of days in which she expressed frustration with our relationship, but as was typical, there wasn’t any resolution to that conflict. We had discussed couples therapy, too, though we hadn’t made it happen. I don’t want to paint a picture that oversimplifies things regarding our past patterns and issues, but from the point of view of that moment in time, I didn’t expect or anticipate that she might leave.

One afternoon I heard her on the phone with a mortgage broker discussing a loan to buy a house (we had always rented during our relationship). This was the first real clue that something was going on that I recognized as a clue, though she didn’t want to discuss it and was even defensive when I asked what the call was about. The next day she spent the day with a friend, and when she returned, she told me that she wanted time away from our relationship and had found a place to live for an open-ended amount of time. When I asked her where, she replied, “Why does it matter?” That day, I started reading about attachment theory (Tatkin) – I don’t know why or what precipitated it. That night was rough, but still there was no clarity around her needs and intentions. The next morning she went out for some exercise. When she returned midday, we were going about our typical life: making lunch, doing laundry, cleaning up the house. Then, as I was in another room, there was commotion in the house: lots of back and forth, car doors opening and closing. My ex returned into the house and announced, “I’m leaving.” No explanation, no discussion, no details, no goodbye. And with that, she walked out, left me sitting at a table, and drove away. During the following week she refused to communicate other than via text messages. We tried one phone call, and she was so dysregulated that she hung up. By the end of that week she asked me to vacate the house for a day and she moved out. Since that time she has refused to communicate; I know nothing more than I did the day she left.

There are, of course, many other details and experiences leading up to this that evidence our anxious-avoidant patterns both individually and together (not being clear about needs and boundaries, not repairing conflict, lack of mutual accountability, etc.). At this point, I’m quite clear about what I contributed to our relational dynamic and what I believe she contributed, and since the breakup I’ve engaged twice weekly with trauma-informed therapies (IFS, EMDR, etc.), somatic/nervous system work, and regular self-compassion approaches.

Despite all I’ve learned and continue to learn, I continue to be haunted by memories and wake most mornings with immense grief, yearning, sadness, and – often – nervous system dysregulation. More often than not, I still don’t feel emotionally safe. I’ve said that I feel like my exploratory system has shut down. I’ve noticed episodes of dissociation, too, which I wasn’t previously aware that I've probably had in my life. I recognize that some of the grief I’m experiencing is relationship dissolution grief, but much of it is the as yet unresolved, unintegrated attachment grief and trauma, and all of the beliefs/stories that come with it about my self-worth, fear of abandonment, and not receiving the validation of being seen, heard, understood, valued, loved, etc. in my past.

Outwardly, friends and family say I’ve improved a lot and that I’m not the same person. I’m able to function and go about my life more or less “normally” : I’m healthy, physically active, and I get out to meet new people and have new experiences. Nonetheless, my internal subjective experience has mostly been despairing and one of stuckness. I lost a big part of my sense of identity. Something that brought a lot of meaning to my life is gone. I loved being a “we.” I have an intellectual appreciation of trauma, attachment wounds, and the stories I tell myself about myself. I’ve made regular, concerted effort to offer my young, wounded parts love and compassion when I become activated. I’m aware of my stories about self worth and now regularly try to redirect that self-talk toward more compassionate responses. But still the intense yearning for my past life, the heaviness of grief, the daily episodes of crying, and the persistent feeling of despair.

What is my question? I don’t know. Intellectually, I get that this will take as long as it takes. I get that 18 months of grieving is nothing compared to 13 years of life with someone. I get that 18 months on a journey of healing after a lifetime of unintegrated attachment trauma is just a start. I’ve come a long way and have learned a lot in a relatively short period of time. And: I’m exhausted. I’m scared about my future. I’m OK with being alone, but the sense of loneliness is rough business. So, clearly, the lack of trust in Self persists.

For those of you who have navigated these kinds of experiences before, what words can you offer me on this healing journey? What might I be aware of that I’m perhaps not seeing?