Post by peekapoodle on Apr 9, 2023 22:52:11 GMT
Me: 39/F/Anxious leaning secure
Him: 39/M/Avoidant
Relationship: 3 months (7 months since we met)
We met at the beginning of September at a community theater event. All of us were new and we quickly formed a friend group. I was attracted to him, but told a mutual friend that I wouldn't pursue it because he was separated and in the middle of a nasty divorce. His ex is an alcoholic who has been physically and emotionally abusive to him for their entire marriage.
He flirted and kept trying to pursue me through December. He was asking our mutual friend about me. He made a special trip across town to come to my house and ring in the New Year with me and hugged me at midnight. By the end of January, we ended up spending the night together just making out and cuddling. He told me himself that liked me and had been trying so hard to show me this whole time. We had a discussion week later, and he said that it was important to him to wait until after the divorce to start discussing moving forward, sex, etc. I agreed that waiting until after his court date in March would be best and offer a fresh start.
From that point on, February and early March, we were still spending lots of time together, but more 1 on 1 time than group activities. I started to notice around mid-February that he was becoming more hot and cold.
But he also got more comfortable with me. He would pull me in for hugs and kiss me on the forehead. One night he ran down the street to catch up and give me a hug before I left. He massaged my neck when we went bowling with his daughter. We spent another night at my place and he initiated passionate kissing and touching. He fell asleep holding me tightly with his face in my hair.
About 4 weeks ago, he kissed me passionately on Tuesday. Told me how hot and desirable I was, and that I was making it hard for him to stick to his boundary before the divorce was finalized.
That Friday, he took me driving and told me that "he wasn't ready for another committed relationship but he would let me know as soon as he was." I said that was fine, and what we had right now was good and we can take things slow. He was still talking about all these things we could go do this summer. He invited me to go out with him and his guy friends the next night. He told me I would meet his best friend at theater on Sunday night.
But he also seemed really agitated and like he had expected me to fight with him. He continued to be a little defensive under the surface as the rest of the night went on. Then he brought up my last relationship, which was toxic and abusive, and said something really hurtful about it. I shut down emotionally and asked him to take me home. When we got back and I got ready to leave, he said he had dumped a lot on me and was sorry. Then he tried to hug me but his tone of voice just sounded like it was out of pity, and made me feel worse. I said goodnight and left.
We had two more days of theater to get through. This is where I messed up and failed to communicate to him. The full emotion of the night before started to sink in and I had no time to process it. He showed up the next day, goofing off and flirting with me like usual. It was all I could do to hold it together around everyone and not cry. I couldn't even look at him or talk to him because I was trying not to cry. I left as soon as I could both nights.
A week and a half later was his court date. We hadn't talked since that terrible weekend, but I tried to reach out that morning and politely congratulate him and wish him luck on this new journey. He never responded and, later that night, he blocked me.
A friend told me that he could have been lying this whole time about even getting a divorce. I didn't think that was true. So we went and read the public records after he ghosted me and blocked me out.
As it turns out, his ex filed something in mid-February. It was the same time that he started being hot and cold with me in mid-February. But because of what she filed, they extended the court date out to November.
In addition to extending the date, the court recommended that they attempt reconciliation until the next court date since a minor child is involved. It requires that my guy withdraw his petition on grounds of reconciliation, they enter into a reconciliation agreement, and then they will meet in court again to determine if they still want to divorce or not. He agreed to do it.
We talked last week for the first time. He told me about court being moved to the November date. But he didn't tell me about the reconciliation.
I asked him why he blocked me. He said I was so mad at him after the talk in the car, and we didn't talk after that, so he assumed that was it and I never wanted to talk to him again. I apologized for shutting him out, and explained why I was so hurt by what he said. But the unspoken truth is that he also didn't block me until a week and a half later, after he didn't get his divorce and is now in this reconciliation. And he still hasn't unblocked me as of right now.
I asked him about what happened between us, and why he pushed me away. He deflected many of the romantic things he did towards me. This time, he told me that everything was just happening too quickly between us and he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to commit nor was he ready to be sexual. I asked him why didn't he just tell me that he was feeling pressured. He seemed very confused like he never knew that was an option. But, also, the unspoken truth is that he also CAN'T proceed with me in any way because of the reconciliation.
He told me, "I just want to be friends first, and let's get to know each other better." But he also, at different points, said that the attraction was mutual because, "You're adorable" and he also gave me a hug.
A guy friend of mine told me afterwards that obviously those things we did and those feelings didn't just go away. That my guy is suppressing and avoiding them because right now he has absolutely no choice. That there is nothing my guy can give me right now and so, because he is avoidant, he just backed out. But my friend also said it sounded to him like my guy is trying to friend zone me again until November. That gives him the option to 1) reconcile and just move on like we never happened, or 2) come back to me in November when he's available. And that I needed to decide how I feel about that.
I am still fresh in my grief from all of this, and I admit that my anxious tendencies did kick in for about two weeks while I was trying to understand the breakup and the blocking. I regret letting my friend talk me into going to see the court records, but at the same time, it also opened my eyes to the fact that my guy was not being completely honest with me and there is a whole back story that I didn't know.
But I quickly bounced back and realized that his leaving me was him and all of his issues. These romantic things did happen and for a time we were happy. It was real. And we obviously had a lot of trouble communicating with each other. I asked myself... is this really what I want for myself? And I don't.
I am making strides to take care of myself. I have gone on a couple of dates. Have more scheduled this week. Landed a great new role for the next theater production. Spending time with friends. Trying new activities and trying to meet new friends. Went home to see family and pet dogs. Received lots of love and support from people who know the situation. I am trying to just keep moving on.
The problem is that no contact is just not possible. I have to prepare myself for all possibilities... he stays married, he tries to get me back, or we just co-exist.
Continuing now with my healing process, I am doing a lot of research into attachment theory. I would just like to know if this reads like FA (or DA)?
Him: 39/M/Avoidant
Relationship: 3 months (7 months since we met)
We met at the beginning of September at a community theater event. All of us were new and we quickly formed a friend group. I was attracted to him, but told a mutual friend that I wouldn't pursue it because he was separated and in the middle of a nasty divorce. His ex is an alcoholic who has been physically and emotionally abusive to him for their entire marriage.
He flirted and kept trying to pursue me through December. He was asking our mutual friend about me. He made a special trip across town to come to my house and ring in the New Year with me and hugged me at midnight. By the end of January, we ended up spending the night together just making out and cuddling. He told me himself that liked me and had been trying so hard to show me this whole time. We had a discussion week later, and he said that it was important to him to wait until after the divorce to start discussing moving forward, sex, etc. I agreed that waiting until after his court date in March would be best and offer a fresh start.
From that point on, February and early March, we were still spending lots of time together, but more 1 on 1 time than group activities. I started to notice around mid-February that he was becoming more hot and cold.
But he also got more comfortable with me. He would pull me in for hugs and kiss me on the forehead. One night he ran down the street to catch up and give me a hug before I left. He massaged my neck when we went bowling with his daughter. We spent another night at my place and he initiated passionate kissing and touching. He fell asleep holding me tightly with his face in my hair.
About 4 weeks ago, he kissed me passionately on Tuesday. Told me how hot and desirable I was, and that I was making it hard for him to stick to his boundary before the divorce was finalized.
That Friday, he took me driving and told me that "he wasn't ready for another committed relationship but he would let me know as soon as he was." I said that was fine, and what we had right now was good and we can take things slow. He was still talking about all these things we could go do this summer. He invited me to go out with him and his guy friends the next night. He told me I would meet his best friend at theater on Sunday night.
But he also seemed really agitated and like he had expected me to fight with him. He continued to be a little defensive under the surface as the rest of the night went on. Then he brought up my last relationship, which was toxic and abusive, and said something really hurtful about it. I shut down emotionally and asked him to take me home. When we got back and I got ready to leave, he said he had dumped a lot on me and was sorry. Then he tried to hug me but his tone of voice just sounded like it was out of pity, and made me feel worse. I said goodnight and left.
We had two more days of theater to get through. This is where I messed up and failed to communicate to him. The full emotion of the night before started to sink in and I had no time to process it. He showed up the next day, goofing off and flirting with me like usual. It was all I could do to hold it together around everyone and not cry. I couldn't even look at him or talk to him because I was trying not to cry. I left as soon as I could both nights.
A week and a half later was his court date. We hadn't talked since that terrible weekend, but I tried to reach out that morning and politely congratulate him and wish him luck on this new journey. He never responded and, later that night, he blocked me.
A friend told me that he could have been lying this whole time about even getting a divorce. I didn't think that was true. So we went and read the public records after he ghosted me and blocked me out.
As it turns out, his ex filed something in mid-February. It was the same time that he started being hot and cold with me in mid-February. But because of what she filed, they extended the court date out to November.
In addition to extending the date, the court recommended that they attempt reconciliation until the next court date since a minor child is involved. It requires that my guy withdraw his petition on grounds of reconciliation, they enter into a reconciliation agreement, and then they will meet in court again to determine if they still want to divorce or not. He agreed to do it.
We talked last week for the first time. He told me about court being moved to the November date. But he didn't tell me about the reconciliation.
I asked him why he blocked me. He said I was so mad at him after the talk in the car, and we didn't talk after that, so he assumed that was it and I never wanted to talk to him again. I apologized for shutting him out, and explained why I was so hurt by what he said. But the unspoken truth is that he also didn't block me until a week and a half later, after he didn't get his divorce and is now in this reconciliation. And he still hasn't unblocked me as of right now.
I asked him about what happened between us, and why he pushed me away. He deflected many of the romantic things he did towards me. This time, he told me that everything was just happening too quickly between us and he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to commit nor was he ready to be sexual. I asked him why didn't he just tell me that he was feeling pressured. He seemed very confused like he never knew that was an option. But, also, the unspoken truth is that he also CAN'T proceed with me in any way because of the reconciliation.
He told me, "I just want to be friends first, and let's get to know each other better." But he also, at different points, said that the attraction was mutual because, "You're adorable" and he also gave me a hug.
A guy friend of mine told me afterwards that obviously those things we did and those feelings didn't just go away. That my guy is suppressing and avoiding them because right now he has absolutely no choice. That there is nothing my guy can give me right now and so, because he is avoidant, he just backed out. But my friend also said it sounded to him like my guy is trying to friend zone me again until November. That gives him the option to 1) reconcile and just move on like we never happened, or 2) come back to me in November when he's available. And that I needed to decide how I feel about that.
I am still fresh in my grief from all of this, and I admit that my anxious tendencies did kick in for about two weeks while I was trying to understand the breakup and the blocking. I regret letting my friend talk me into going to see the court records, but at the same time, it also opened my eyes to the fact that my guy was not being completely honest with me and there is a whole back story that I didn't know.
But I quickly bounced back and realized that his leaving me was him and all of his issues. These romantic things did happen and for a time we were happy. It was real. And we obviously had a lot of trouble communicating with each other. I asked myself... is this really what I want for myself? And I don't.
I am making strides to take care of myself. I have gone on a couple of dates. Have more scheduled this week. Landed a great new role for the next theater production. Spending time with friends. Trying new activities and trying to meet new friends. Went home to see family and pet dogs. Received lots of love and support from people who know the situation. I am trying to just keep moving on.
The problem is that no contact is just not possible. I have to prepare myself for all possibilities... he stays married, he tries to get me back, or we just co-exist.
Continuing now with my healing process, I am doing a lot of research into attachment theory. I would just like to know if this reads like FA (or DA)?
