Fearful Avoidant partner and connectivity

Hi and welcome.  I am a fearful avoidant who tends to lean anxious in relationships…meaning that I tend to choose partners who are more avoidant leaning then I am.  As I was reading your post, I could see both sides of this….on his side, he probably is drained from work and wants to chill and this friend he is talking to might “feel” less demanding.  On the other side, his absence while he is working plus his distraction while he is home “feels” like he is pulling away to you.  The issue with anxious/avoidant relationship pairings is that they can start off seeming fantastic….because neither person really knows the other one and each person’s nervous systems hasn’t really kicked in.  Over time however, your nervous system starts warning you that he is less available and you end up doing 2 things…looking for actual signs that he is pulling away and 2. Feeling a need to move closer to avoid feeling abandoned.  Meanwhile….his nervous system starts warning him that you are too available/clingy and he ends up doing two things….1. Looking for actually signs that you are being more clingy and 2. Feeling a need to pull away in order to avoid feeling smothered.  The only real solution is for each of you to work on your own insecurities….you need to work through your childhood wounding that led you to fear being abandoned, while he needs to work through his childhood wounding that led his to fear being smothered.  This is often a very emotional process and it is recommended to work with a therapist who is familiar with attachment theory.  

The biggest issue you may face is while you might be open to addressing your insecurities, he may see no issue on his part.  It is not unusual for one partner to want to address the issues and the other one to not.  It will be very important for you to choose to work on yourself regardless of whether he chooses to work on himself.  It also might mean that he may grow more distant because therapy can initially cause you to feel even more needy/clingy….this is just something to consider.  

Do you have friends to spend time with and hobbies you enjoy outside of the relationship?  That might help reduce your fear of being abandoned because you will have other avenues to get your needs fulfilled.  Even in the best relationships, both people have to have a healthy amount of individual time..,.friends, hobbies etc that each does individually.