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Post by trippintre on May 5, 2023 0:50:42 GMT
Still in the aftermath of a breakup with an FA and been reflecting on my experience. After being hurt and betrayed (found out about monkey-branching after the breakup, didn't know it at the time) I think most of my lingering hurt is coming from the feeling of being disrespected and having the truth withheld from me. Of course I miss my relationship and ex like you do after any breakup but the feeling of shame and disrespect is what has lasted the most. I feel embarrassed and sad that while I thought everything was relatively ok, I had a partner who was plotting his exit and lining up his next relationship while still in ours. It makes me feel stupid and sad. I'm having a hard time untangling those feelings from the actual feelings of missing my ex/missing the feeling of being in a relationship. I know both can be true, but I feel like it's keeping me stuck.
I wish I knew better how to heal the part of me that feels disrespected and used. I don't have a desire to date my ex again because he is not the kind of partner I want in the long run, nor do I think he will ever be back, but those icky feelings are keeping me stuck in my head and are much harder to process. I think a lot of this has to do with sadness at myself for overlooking the signs and letting my boundaries be pushed towards the end of our relationship. In retrospect, I wish I had stood up for myself more at certain points in our relationship.
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Post by lovebunny on May 5, 2023 11:50:45 GMT
Going through the same. There's major cognitive dissonance in comparing the things my ex said, such as "I love you and want you," and "I want a future with you," vs. the way he behaved: chasing another woman, ignoring my wants and needs, and still using me for sex when he was done investing in our r'ship.
Our FA exes weren't doing it intentionally, they're just following their own pattern blindly, but it still is a horrible mindf**k. I'm mad at him, and I'm mad at me for not telling him to take a flying leap as soon as I realized I wasn't going to be treated the way I want to be treated.
Go easy on yourself, you did the best you could with the information you had (and your ex wasn't giving you all the info.) I suppose we just muster up whatever forgiveness we can (for our sake more than theirs) and make certain not to let it happen the same way next time.
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Post by alexandra on May 5, 2023 19:21:45 GMT
I suppose we just muster up whatever forgiveness we can (for our sake more than theirs) and make certain not to let it happen the same way next time. Forgiving yourselves in these situations is even more important than forgiving them (and makes it easier to eventually forgive them for your own sake so you're able to move on). Absolutely right that these are learning experiences, and you didn't have all the information at the time even if you do now, so go easy on yourselves. |
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Post by trippintre on May 5, 2023 19:39:50 GMT
Going through the same. There's major cognitive dissonance in comparing the things my ex said, such as "I love you and want you," and "I want a future with you," vs. the way he behaved: chasing another woman, ignoring my wants and needs, and still using me for sex when he was done investing in our r'ship. Our FA exes weren't doing it intentionally, they're just following their own pattern blindly, but it still is a horrible mindf**k. I'm mad at him, and I'm mad at me for not telling him to take a flying leap as soon as I realized I wasn't going to be treated the way I want to be treated. Go easy on yourself, you did the best you could with the information you had (and your ex wasn't giving you all the info.) I suppose we just muster up whatever forgiveness we can (for our sake more than theirs) and make certain not to let it happen the same way next time. It really just is sooo painful. I feel like its made it really clear to me that the things I crave the most are feeling respected, feeling seen for who I am/being interested in finding that out over time with trust, and feeling chosen. When all 3 of those things were shattered at once overnight, it really hurt me. These needs all stem from things I didn't get as a kid due to an alcoholic parent (which, ironically, my ex also has as well...he and I are actually very similar in ways.) I already know I have issues with allowing other people to dictate my worth so fighting against that urge has been so difficult. Logically of course I know I did the best I could at the time, that it doesn't have anything to do with me as a person, but I also know I overlooked subtle things that ended up biting me in the ass later. I ignored them because I wanted to be chosen and realizing that has been painful and embarrassing. I swear this lunar eclipse is f**ing me UP as well!! I started a new job, got in a car accident, got sick, and have been feeling all of this stuff rearing its ugly head in such a strong way in the past week or so. It's just a lot! I'm sorry it's happening to you too. Knowing that these experiences aren't unique has helped me a lot in my grieving/healing process. Trying to be kind to myself, which I hope you are as well. |
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Post by alexandra on May 5, 2023 20:48:20 GMT
I feel like its made it really clear to me that the things I crave the most are feeling respected, feeling seen for who I am/being interested in finding that out over time with trust, and feeling chosen. When all 3 of those things were shattered at once overnight, it really hurt me. As trite as it may sound, the most constructive way to handle this is to not look for that fulfillment from the outside, and to learn how to respect yourself, see yourself clearly for who you are (know and connect with yourself), and choose yourself (not abandon yourself). That doesn't invalidate the human need for connection with others, but starting from a point where you're able to provide yourself with those things no matter what anyone else is doing sets you up to connect better with others who will then treat you in kind and provide those same things... because it organically evolves that they're emotionally healthier than the types of people you connected with when it was coming from a place of lack. There's posts on this forum that talk about re-parenting yourself and doing shadow work after going through the type of upbringing you did. It's important that you're aware and know why this is happening, which you do since you've already tied it back to your earlier life, so the next step (after you've mourned and are ready) is tackling the healing part where you also build or rebuild your own identity. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 6, 2023 9:50:19 GMT
Still in the aftermath of a breakup with an FA and been reflecting on my experience. After being hurt and betrayed (found out about monkey-branching after the breakup, didn't know it at the time) I think most of my lingering hurt is coming from the feeling of being disrespected and having the truth withheld from me. Of course I miss my relationship and ex like you do after any breakup but the feeling of shame and disrespect is what has lasted the most. I feel embarrassed and sad that while I thought everything was relatively ok, I had a partner who was plotting his exit and lining up his next relationship while still in ours. It makes me feel stupid and sad. I'm having a hard time untangling those feelings from the actual feelings of missing my ex/missing the feeling of being in a relationship. I know both can be true, but I feel like it's keeping me stuck. I wish I knew better how to heal the part of me that feels disrespected and used. I don't have a desire to date my ex again because he is not the kind of partner I want in the long run, nor do I think he will ever be back, but those icky feelings are keeping me stuck in my head and are much harder to process. I think a lot of this has to do with sadness at myself for overlooking the signs and letting my boundaries be pushed towards the end of our relationship. In retrospect, I wish I had stood up for myself more at certain points in our relationship. I so recognize the feelings you are expressing because I went through those as well. I do not know your partner per se, but in general I don’t think individuals with FA attachment wounding are that conniving. When you experience a level of trauma that makes you fear closeness and abandonment….you can develop an “in the moment” mindset. Meaning….a person who has FA attachment wounding can sincerely tell someone they love that person that particular day and then (due to a myriad of internal doubts and fears) ghost or sabotage or end the relationship. The important piece to understand…and this is extremely difficult to understand if you have AP attachment wounding…is that it is not “you” that is at the root of the breakup…it is fear. Most avoidant leaning FAs provide clues pretty early on that they are not great partners…short dating history, statements of doubt, acknowledgement of past poor behavior and self deprecation. Oftentimes a fear of confrontation leads to breakups that are one sided and “out of the blue”. And yes….someone with FA attachment wounding can love you but decide that he doesn’t see a future. The glaring issue is poor communication….and until the fears that drive that are addressed, any relationship is going to struggle. I think it is absolutely fair to feel betrayed….because anger is a very helpful emotion to detach, gain perspective and process the one sided breakup…..but as others have stated….anger towards yourself is not helpful…..you know information now that you did not have at the time, so beating yourself up for not knowing is giving into old tapes about perfection and doing things right all the time….and none of us have a crystal ball. Instead, treat yourself with kindness and also “treat yourself” to some pampering….maybe a massage or a long bath or a pedicure or your favorite meal. Show yourself that despite his issues….you are worthy. |
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Post by anne12 on May 6, 2023 10:33:42 GMT
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