Post by DearLover on May 14, 2023 5:12:40 GMT
I really thought I was further along my healing path. Turns out that for the 4 years I actively sought to work on myself was not enough.
In light of my last experience, it seems like I have a long way to go still and even though it has been horrific, I learned many valuable lessons, unfortunately at the expense of my innocence ~ yet I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling resentful, jaded, angry and disappointed.
Yesterday I needed to focus on my studies but I was not feeling very good, ruminating on past events and what not.
Then I decided to put on a webinar recorded by my course mentor. Just by listening to his familiar voice, I immediately felt so secure and soothed, I had tears rolling down my cheeks and gave myself a hug. I've never met my mentor in person and our interactions are strictly professional once every 2 months online video for 1.5 hours or so but because he has to present himself as a stable role model who listens well, teaches, gives good advice, has the duty to look out for my wellbeing and help me with my concerns as well as sort any problems that I might have in my work place (my course is linked to my work), It just felt like a good masculine presence or a father figure, which seems that I desperately need still.
Then when the recording ended, I felt this bottomless hole from the surface of my heart right through the depths of my soul. It felt so physical and real, I put both hands in my chest trying to feel more comfortable but it is an inside feeling that runs so deep.
I have tried years of meditation, yoga, body work, coaching, inner child work, reading resources, journaling, connecting to nature and making art. It is still there. I tried working hard, changing careers, doing courses, moving homes, re-vamping my appearance...the results are always minimum.
I have resistance about talking therapy and can't afford anyway so that is out of the cards for me at the moment.
Seriously considering anxiety / depression meds, but in my neck of woods, I think we need to convince the doctors that we need it and I'm fearful that I will spend a whole consultation talking about my intimate struggles just to have it denied.
I no longer want to trust my intuition anymore - I can't make a judgment on what is a red flag to a trauma response / fear and I hate being suspicious and skeptical, the little girl inside me still love the rose tinted glasses and the hope that 'this time' everything will be alright. I don't want to kill her, she is so precious to me.
In light of my last experience, it seems like I have a long way to go still and even though it has been horrific, I learned many valuable lessons, unfortunately at the expense of my innocence ~ yet I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling resentful, jaded, angry and disappointed.
Yesterday I needed to focus on my studies but I was not feeling very good, ruminating on past events and what not.
Then I decided to put on a webinar recorded by my course mentor. Just by listening to his familiar voice, I immediately felt so secure and soothed, I had tears rolling down my cheeks and gave myself a hug. I've never met my mentor in person and our interactions are strictly professional once every 2 months online video for 1.5 hours or so but because he has to present himself as a stable role model who listens well, teaches, gives good advice, has the duty to look out for my wellbeing and help me with my concerns as well as sort any problems that I might have in my work place (my course is linked to my work), It just felt like a good masculine presence or a father figure, which seems that I desperately need still.
Then when the recording ended, I felt this bottomless hole from the surface of my heart right through the depths of my soul. It felt so physical and real, I put both hands in my chest trying to feel more comfortable but it is an inside feeling that runs so deep.
I have tried years of meditation, yoga, body work, coaching, inner child work, reading resources, journaling, connecting to nature and making art. It is still there. I tried working hard, changing careers, doing courses, moving homes, re-vamping my appearance...the results are always minimum.
I have resistance about talking therapy and can't afford anyway so that is out of the cards for me at the moment.
Seriously considering anxiety / depression meds, but in my neck of woods, I think we need to convince the doctors that we need it and I'm fearful that I will spend a whole consultation talking about my intimate struggles just to have it denied.
I no longer want to trust my intuition anymore - I can't make a judgment on what is a red flag to a trauma response / fear and I hate being suspicious and skeptical, the little girl inside me still love the rose tinted glasses and the hope that 'this time' everything will be alright. I don't want to kill her, she is so precious to me.
