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Post by justconfused on May 23, 2023 5:51:35 GMT
Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum and to fearful-avoidants (but have had an experience of dating a DA in the past), so excuse me if this has been discussed in some way already.
I am dating someone who I suspect to have some degree of fearful avoidance. She is interested in a relationship and does show decent amount of intimacy when in-person (both physical, and in terms of showing proactiveness in setting dates, wanting to meet up), but appears to be triggered every time we are away from each other (for instance, when I go on longer business trips, or when she goes away on vacation with her friends).
Every time this happens, we repeat a cycle where she just completely retreats for days and goes silent, does not respond to my messages, doesn't pick up the phone, while still stalking my social media stories etc.
Interestingly enough, she also shows a greater amount of attention before these trips, for instance wanting to see each other every day before either one of us leaves (she initiates and suggests), much more than our usual 'schedule'. I'm securely attached and am able to tolerate the behavior without flipping out/chasing etc., though not responding for many days does make me feel hurt and question the relationship (when usually we at least text every day and typically see each other 1-2x/week)
I find the hot and cold really confusing, and it really seems to be centered around trips - as if she is imagining scenarios that are completely unreal that are going to happen while I am gone.
Any idea from the FAs here of what this could be and how to break through it?
Thanks
JustConfused
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Post by introvert on May 23, 2023 14:45:23 GMT
Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and to fearful-avoidants (but have had an experience of dating a DA in the past), so excuse me if this has been discussed in some way already. I am dating someone who I suspect to have some degree of fearful avoidance. She is interested in a relationship and does show decent amount of intimacy when in-person (both physical, and in terms of showing proactiveness in setting dates, wanting to meet up), but appears to be triggered every time we are away from each other (for instance, when I go on longer business trips, or when she goes away on vacation with her friends). Every time this happens, we repeat a cycle where she just completely retreats for days and goes silent, does not respond to my messages, doesn't pick up the phone, while still stalking my social media stories etc. Interestingly enough, she also shows a greater amount of attention before these trips, for instance wanting to see each other every day before either one of us leaves (she initiates and suggests), much more than our usual 'schedule'. I'm securely attached and am able to tolerate the behavior without flipping out/chasing etc., though not responding for many days does make me feel hurt and question the relationship (when usually we at least text every day and typically see each other 1-2x/week) I find the hot and cold really confusing, and it really seems to be centered around trips - as if she is imagining scenarios that are completely unreal that are going to happen while I am gone. Any idea from the FAs here of what this could be and how to break through it? Thanks JustConfused Have you asked her about it? |
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Post by cherrycola on May 23, 2023 15:48:53 GMT
So I'm an FA and I can't even tell you consistently how I act during time apart. It's variable based on how the dynamic tips me.
Sometimes I play stories in my head, feel all anxious and then put space between us to feel "safe".
Sometimes I'm relieved at having space that I didn't even realized I needed. So once that registers I want to hold onto it.
Sometimes I act totally normally
One of my FA partners once told me out of sight, out of mind and once we are apart for more than a few days I didn't really exist. (A lot of FAs can struggle with object constancy)
Best to just express some curiousity to her experience.
"I've noticed x when y happens. What is your experience of this/what do you think of this?"
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Post by tnr9 on May 23, 2023 19:01:44 GMT
Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and to fearful-avoidants (but have had an experience of dating a DA in the past), so excuse me if this has been discussed in some way already. I am dating someone who I suspect to have some degree of fearful avoidance. She is interested in a relationship and does show decent amount of intimacy when in-person (both physical, and in terms of showing proactiveness in setting dates, wanting to meet up), but appears to be triggered every time we are away from each other (for instance, when I go on longer business trips, or when she goes away on vacation with her friends). Every time this happens, we repeat a cycle where she just completely retreats for days and goes silent, does not respond to my messages, doesn't pick up the phone, while still stalking my social media stories etc. Interestingly enough, she also shows a greater amount of attention before these trips, for instance wanting to see each other every day before either one of us leaves (she initiates and suggests), much more than our usual 'schedule'. I'm securely attached and am able to tolerate the behavior without flipping out/chasing etc., though not responding for many days does make me feel hurt and question the relationship (when usually we at least text every day and typically see each other 1-2x/week) I find the hot and cold really confusing, and it really seems to be centered around trips - as if she is imagining scenarios that are completely unreal that are going to happen while I am gone. Any idea from the FAs here of what this could be and how to break through it? Thanks JustConfused I am FA but tend to lean AP in relationships so I don’t recognize this behavior, but I agree with others who are recommending you talk to her. It may not be attachment insecurity related or it could be a trigger from her past but only she can really provide insight. The best way that I appreciate being approached is exactly what cherrycola has stated above which is open ended and starts from what you observe. |
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Post by mrob on May 25, 2023 3:04:47 GMT
Actually starting to miss someone has been a real trigger for me. It signifies an escalation in the relationship (internally). I’d say what you’re seeing is mini deactivations. They may become more frequent as the relationship progresses. I dragged a secure person through insecurity in this way. Thankfully, it was temporary.
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Post by justconfused on Jun 26, 2023 6:57:08 GMT
Thank you all for your replies here. I never got a real answer to this from her but appears to be an "out of sight, out of mind" issue and things did momentarily improve after this post. Though then a new set of issues began... :-)
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Post by introvert on Jun 26, 2023 15:49:47 GMT
Actually starting to miss someone has been a real trigger for me. It signifies an escalation in the relationship (internally). I’d say what you’re seeing is mini deactivations. They may become more frequent as the relationship progresses. I dragged a secure person through insecurity in this way. Thankfully, it was temporary. I think this is the first time I've heard (read) about someone else being triggered by the feeling of missing someone, thanks for sharing that. It's such a counterintuitive reaction, but was the big clue for me about my avoidance. If I was going along in my day and recognized some budding emotional dependence or attachment then I would immediately feel unsafe. Not due to a fear of that person doing something bad to me but due to the uncertainty and risk of loss that occurs from attachment. It kept me from having pets, getting involved in community, getting involved emotionally with another person. The only attachments I felt pretty secure about was nature and my own personal sense of spirituality. Not trying to hijack the thread but wanted to relate to this particular avoidant trigger. Back on topic... unfortunately no amount of understanding can make this a workable situation unless and until the other person becomes consistently emotionally available. That's the unfortunate reality. Someone wired to avoid will avoid, at the most critical, intimate moments, or even at the thought of those moments. The mechanism serves a purpose and that purpose is to emotionally maintain a sense of safety and personal autonomy. The need is deep and visceral coming out of it is a bit like taking a step off a cliff... why would anyone do that? Before I was ready, attachment just presented as an unreasonable, unbearable risk. |
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Post by introvert on Jun 26, 2023 16:00:42 GMT
Thank you all for your replies here. I never got a real answer to this from her but appears to be an "out of sight, out of mind" issue and things did momentarily improve after this post. Though then a new set of issues began... :-) What makes you think "out of sight out of mind?" I don't think it really matters, because consistency is one of the foundational aspects of a healthy relationship. I do tend to think that forgetfulness is less likely than a choice to shift attention away, I don't see avoidance as passive I see it as active, especially for someone who is keyed up with an active imagination involving potential risks. |
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Post by mysteryuser on Jun 29, 2023 16:58:19 GMT
I noticed this pattern in my FA ex.
Unfortunately it would be really hard for me to accept this in the future unless they were able to work on it because I can't guarantee that we'll never be apart. In fact I could be in the same space and still be occupied due to external factors and I wouldn't want to risk feeling obligated to tend to the relationship constantly while also dealing with my own personal stuff (it need not even be a bad thing but simply long hours for a temporary project at work). The relationship can't be close, intimate, and the most important thing in my life 24x7. I also noticed a pattern of my ex asking me to give him my undivided attention every time we spent time together. While I understand that during the initial stages of dating, but eventually he expected the same thing when we would stay over multiple nights a week and the entire weekend. I find it impossible to give anybody/anything my attention for so long, and the expectations put a lot of pressure on me. But the AP/people pleaser in me kept trying to fulfill those expectations -- eventually failing to do so. I realized after that boundaries aren't just about someone doing or not doing something towards me. It's also about you not being responsible to manage their triggers for them at every step. I would definitely suggest a long conversation about this if they are receptive to it and also take responsibility for it.
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