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Post by faanxiousleaning on May 23, 2023 11:18:28 GMT
Dearest new friends
I am asking for your help as I’ve had the hardest weeks of my life.
I’m FA anxious leaning - I always thought I was AP but I noticed that when I used to date someone a little anxious it used to freak me out, I never understood why.
I used the term husband and partner, but he is my husband. He is a soft, kind and righteous man, He has a few oddities like a lot of time alone but I accepted that about him, but in the last 4 weeks this has flipped, I miss my husband.
5 weeks ago I suffered a traumatic miscarriage while my partner was away abroad, I was giving birth over two days and I lost a lot of blood and then became septic and had to have am operation, this all span over a week so was just horrible. My partner who is FA was cold, deleted my messages while In labour and didn’t provide much emotional support and in that moment it obviously stressed me out and triggered him. He was trying but you could tell he was either frozen out or didn’t care?
Before the miscarriage he voiced his concern about the pregnancy as he had taken some medicine that may interfere but he didn’t tell me until a few weeks before the miscarriage, I was 18 weeks when he told me.
When he told me about the medicine he said he had been worried for a while and we said we would visit a doctor and the day after I started bleeding a miscarried four days later but by then he was abroad.
Anyway when I told him about the infection he dumbed down the whole affair and made it very logical. I didn’t hear from him for 6 days after that, and when he arrived back to the UK I received a message from a friend that he had liked her profile on a dating app (he doesn’t know her) she matched with him and eventually sent over what he was saying, he was looking to remarry, and named all the things wrong with his last partner and what he needs (more than he had ever discussed with me, it wasn’t said in a cruel way but obviously wasn’t nice to read. He also spoke of how he sat his ex down and ended things, which he hasn’t done at all, if anything he has been on the run.
When we eventually spoke two weeks ago(for the first time since the miscarriage) he blamed me for everything and said I didn’t listen to him for months and made excuses for not going to the doctors, which were legitimate reasons, and essentially blamed me for his worry. I apologised and said I hear him and I’m sorry he felt way. He was blaming me for not telling me sooner. He was cold angry and furious. So different to his logical self. He asked for some space and promised to speak to me in a few days and nothing, I tried and he never opened my messages.
I tried again last week and he screamed at me on the phone saying he needs space and that he told me that i can’t just keep contacting him. It’s like he picks and chooses what he remembers he says and doesn’t. He also told me in the midst of his anger he isn’t comfortable with me anymore which is what I recall him saying about every ex I’ve enquired about. Also he told me during both calls that this has been the worst period in his life on a long time and he doesn’t want to do it again - I don’t know if he means trying for another baby or us, either way I reassured him it’s us I want and not a baby. He was seething at me.
This is a whole different side to my husband I’ve seen. He is staying at his office and I’ve not seen him since he got back. He hasn’t even asked me if I am ok.
He said he needs time to decide if he can trust me again after I didn’t listen to him.
I don’t know what to do…it’s been six days since we last spoke, is this the end? Does him being angry mean there’s a chance or is it an excuse to get me to leave him alone while he rebounds, as I know he was actively swapping numbers on the app. I suspect he is actively dating someone to save himself from feeling anything.
From the way he spoke to the girls online he seems to know the kind of person he needs. And the fact he brought up the reasons for not seeing the midwife to me, it was during the strike period and was impossible to get an appointment but I think he is basically saying he needs someone to do something when he asks as that helps with his anxiety. I wish he had told me before. So I don’t know if this is deactivation or him moving on because he knows what he needs. He wasn’t perfect in the relationship either, like I’m most marriages he broke promises and didn’t do as said he would either. This is all so messed up.
Also he is going through some serious work stuff which is stressful but this was going on before the miscarriage/termination discussion and feel like he has combined his stress and my miscarriage as one and now views me as the enemy, or at least that’s how it feels at the moment.
I found he lied about exchanging on a house too when he was consoling me over the potential termination as I was still unconvinced after the doctors appointment. I don’t know if he meant it or was using it as a way to manipulate me?
I’m trying to heal but my grief has become so widespread. I don’t know how to feel.
Thank you all for your time.
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Post by lovebunny on May 23, 2023 12:23:03 GMT
faanxiousleaning, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Your "husband" sounds like more than just FA. He sounds like a horrible person. Omitting information about potentially harmful medicine. Not supporting you during a miscarriage. Disappearing for 6 days with no contact. Hitting up another woman on a dating site, disparaging you to her. Why on earth would you want this man? Nothing you've written speaks of a healthy, supportive r'ship. My advice? Stop going after him. This man is a bad apple. Run. If you have a support system, go to them. If you don't, talk to us here, or a professional. Yes, it is over. And believe me, you're better off that it is. Wishing you health and healing.
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Post by faanxiousleaning on May 23, 2023 12:59:37 GMT
Thank you for your reply,
I was upset when typing this so when I described him not emotionally supporting me I didn’t mean at all, I just meant what you would expect in that situation, I felt he was freaked or frozen or maybe didn’t care, but it felt a lightbulb had gone off a few days later and he stopped being as warm.
In terms to speaking to the girls online he wasn’t cruel just saying things about his ex (me) and said I’m not peaceful etc, and described how he had sat me down and ended things as ‘it’s not working’ which isn’t true at all, if anything he has been on the run. I suspect he is actively dating someone to save himself from feeling anything.
He was a good man, you can tell he is always in his head about things.
I won’t pretend I don’t miss him.
I hoped there would be something going on that we could work through.
As someone who leans anxious I know how suffocating our feelings can be and make us do silly things, but at the same time it’s just a lot.
My family don’t get the whole attachment thing and just think he is mental.
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Post by faanxiousleaning on May 23, 2023 13:53:28 GMT
I also went for STD testing today as the app he used wasn’t a new one which means he has most likely used it before or during our marriage. Hard to know so better to be safe.
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Post by tnr9 on May 23, 2023 19:12:25 GMT
Dearest new friends I am asking for your help as I’ve had the hardest weeks of my life. I’m FA anxious leaning - I always thought I was AP but I noticed that when I used to date someone a little anxious it used to freak me out, I never understood why. I used the term husband and partner, but he is my husband. He is a soft, kind and righteous man, He has a few oddities like a lot of time alone but I accepted that about him, but in the last 4 weeks this has flipped, I miss my husband. 5 weeks ago I suffered a traumatic miscarriage while my partner was away abroad, I was giving birth over two days and I lost a lot of blood and then became septic and had to have am operation, this all span over a week so was just horrible. My partner who is FA was cold, deleted my messages while In labour and didn’t provide much emotional support and in that moment it obviously stressed me out and triggered him. He was trying but you could tell he was either frozen out or didn’t care? Before the miscarriage he voiced his concern about the pregnancy as he had taken some medicine that may interfere but he didn’t tell me until a few weeks before the miscarriage, I was 18 weeks when he told me. When he told me about the medicine he said he had been worried for a while and we said we would visit a doctor and the day after I started bleeding a miscarried four days later but by then he was abroad. Anyway when I told him about the infection he dumbed down the whole affair and made it very logical. I didn’t hear from him for 6 days after that, and when he arrived back to the UK I received a message from a friend that he had liked her profile on a dating app (he doesn’t know her) she matched with him and eventually sent over what he was saying, he was looking to remarry, and named all the things wrong with his last partner and what he needs (more than he had ever discussed with me, it wasn’t said in a cruel way but obviously wasn’t nice to read. He also spoke of how he sat his ex down and ended things, which he hasn’t done at all, if anything he has been on the run. When we eventually spoke two weeks ago(for the first time since the miscarriage) he blamed me for everything and said I didn’t listen to him for months and made excuses for not going to the doctors, which were legitimate reasons, and essentially blamed me for his worry. I apologised and said I hear him and I’m sorry he felt way. He was blaming me for not telling me sooner. He was cold angry and furious. So different to his logical self. He asked for some space and promised to speak to me in a few days and nothing, I tried and he never opened my messages. I tried again last week and he screamed at me on the phone saying he needs space and that he told me that i can’t just keep contacting him. It’s like he picks and chooses what he remembers he says and doesn’t. He also told me in the midst of his anger he isn’t comfortable with me anymore which is what I recall him saying about every ex I’ve enquired about. Also he told me during both calls that this has been the worst period in his life on a long time and he doesn’t want to do it again - I don’t know if he means trying for another baby or us, either way I reassured him it’s us I want and not a baby. He was seething at me. This is a whole different side to my husband I’ve seen. He is staying at his office and I’ve not seen him since he got back. He hasn’t even asked me if I am ok. He said he needs time to decide if he can trust me again after I didn’t listen to him. I don’t know what to do…it’s been six days since we last spoke, is this the end? Does him being angry mean there’s a chance or is it an excuse to get me to leave him alone while he rebounds, as I know he was actively swapping numbers on the app. I suspect he is actively dating someone to save himself from feeling anything. From the way he spoke to the girls online he seems to know the kind of person he needs. And the fact he brought up the reasons for not seeing the midwife to me, it was during the strike period and was impossible to get an appointment but I think he is basically saying he needs someone to do something when he asks as that helps with his anxiety. I wish he had told me before. So I don’t know if this is deactivation or him moving on because he knows what he needs. He wasn’t perfect in the relationship either, like I’m most marriages he broke promises and didn’t do as said he would either. This is all so messed up. Also he is going through some serious work stuff which is stressful but this was going on before the miscarriage/termination discussion and feel like he has combined his stress and my miscarriage as one and now views me as the enemy, or at least that’s how it feels at the moment. I found he lied about exchanging on a house too when he was consoling me over the potential termination as I was still unconvinced after the doctors appointment. I don’t know if he meant it or was using it as a way to manipulate me? I’m trying to heal but my grief has become so widespread. I don’t know how to feel. Thank you all for your time. I don’t think a person who screams at you, goes silent, does not support you during a very difficult time and cheats on you is a good man….I would highly encourage you to seek therapy both individual and couple. I am an AP leaning FA and I think you are trying to justify his behaviors. |
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Post by alexandra on May 23, 2023 19:14:10 GMT
Don't make excuses to normalize or rationalize his behavior, please. Listen to your family. While it's possible he's also grieving the loss, albeit in a thoroughly dysfunctional way, that doesn't really matter here. YOU are grieving, and his behavior is unforgivable. You just went through major surgery and a major loss and are very likely barely aware of how traumatizing that is yet, you're his wife, and he hasn't asked how you're doing or come home? And he's blaming you for miscarrying (you do need to keep up with doctor's appointments during pregnancy, but many pregnancies result in miscarriage no matter what, this is common, and the vast majority of the time they are not anyone's fault -- the body just naturally terminates because there's going to be a viability problem with the baby). There were existing and underlying problems prior to the pregnancy, so while you may not have seen this side of cruelty before, it sounds like there were signs it was simmering under the surface. His issues are NOT an acceptable reason to treat you like garbage, especially in a time of need. And you are not responsible for managing his mental health and anxiety issues for him. Focus on taking care of yourself during this difficult time, surround yourself with people who are supporting you and you can actually trust. I'm very sorry for your loss. This is probably going to be a silver lining situation that you are now not trapped coparenting with a man who has shown you terrible true colors whom you cannot rely on. Do not idealize him and look at this with rose colored glasses. And I agree with lovebunny that this behavior is so out of the realm of normal that he has comorbid issues, and this is not only an attachment style problem. Please seek the help and support you need, outside of him. |
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Post by faanxiousleaning on May 23, 2023 20:15:53 GMT
Thank you for your replies, it’s hard to know what’s normal or not with attachment styles..
I thought the behaviour he showed while I was giving birth was stonewalling and the quiet before he cheated deactivation and the shouting and blaming and spitefulness etc etc if you watch enough of these videos trying to explain your partners behaviour toward you end up thinking it fits the general mould.
Would love to know what you feel doesn’t fit the FA mould?
I’m slowly accepting he isn’t a good egg but I think I’m traumatised and go from being very upset with him to missing him madly during one day, so feels like I’m dealing with a breakup daily.
I am considering therapy to understand myself better and the hospital referred me for maternity trauma therapy as I found out he was cheating the day after my check up two weeks ago so when they asked my why I was always alone I burst out crying.
I learnt to depend on the kindness of strangers over my own partners over the last weeks.
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Post by tnr9 on May 24, 2023 1:40:53 GMT
Thank you for your replies, it’s hard to know what’s normal or not with attachment styles.. I thought the behaviour he showed while I was giving birth was stonewalling and the quiet before he cheated deactivation and the shouting and blaming and spitefulness etc etc if you watch enough of these videos trying to explain your partners behaviour toward you end up thinking it fits the general mould. Would love to know what you feel doesn’t fit the FA mould? I’m slowly accepting he isn’t a good egg but I think I’m traumatised and go from being very upset with him to missing him madly during one day, so feels like I’m dealing with a breakup daily. I am considering therapy to understand myself better and the hospital referred me for maternity trauma therapy as I found out he was cheating the day after my check up two weeks ago so when they asked my why I was always alone I burst out crying. I learnt to depend on the kindness of strangers over my own partners over the last weeks. So…I don’t know that it really matters what is beyond insecure attachment….that is just another distraction from the real issue….that he is not a good partner. |
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Post by alexandra on May 24, 2023 4:23:11 GMT
Sure, some of those things you list are dysfunctional coping mechanisms. And they can be avoidant / FA, yes. But getting triggered avoidant, being FA, does not mean completely lacking empathy for another person. Sometimes people can lose access to their empathy temporarily when deeply triggered, but it is an exception more than the rule (meaning they do not lack empathy the majority of the time), and they don't use it as an excuse to be selfish and keep acting out. You can be FA, and also totally lack empathy, for example if you've got a personality disorder. But tnr9 is right. The important thing here is he's dysfunctional and his behavior towards you has been awful, full stop. Why doesn't matter at this point, YOU matter at this point. So I fully support you taking any mental and emotional energy you're using trying to figure him out, and going to a therapist to address what you need instead. It can be tempting to look outwardly to others because you were raised that way (forced to focus on the needs of others instead of yourself), or because it's less painful to distract yourself with another person's problem than to introspect and have to face your own deep wounds. But you can't process and get through what's happening to you unless you give yourself space to focus on yourself, even if it's painful. |
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Post by faanxiousleaning on May 24, 2023 6:47:31 GMT
Sure, some of those things you list are dysfunctional coping mechanisms. And they can be avoidant / FA, yes. But getting triggered avoidant, being FA, does not mean completely lacking empathy for another person. Sometimes people can lose access to their empathy temporarily when deeply triggered, but it is an exception more than the rule (meaning they do not lack empathy the majority of the time), and they don't use it as an excuse to be selfish and keep acting out. You can be FA, and also totally lack empathy, for example if you've got a personality disorder. But tnr9 is right. The important thing here is he's dysfunctional and his behavior towards you has been awful, full stop. Why doesn't matter at this point, YOU matter at this point. So I fully support you taking any mental and emotional energy you're using trying to figure him out, and going to a therapist to address what you need instead. It can be tempting to look outwardly to others because you were raised that way (forced to focus on the needs of others instead of yourself), or because it's less painful to distract yourself with another person's problem than to introspect and have to face your own deep wounds. But you can't process and get through what's happening to you unless you give yourself space to focus on yourself, even if it's painful. Thank all so much for your replies. You guys are right, I’m trying to make sense of something dysfunctional. To some extent I’m trying to work out what has happened to me, why does it feel so painful, feels like I have been devalued and discarded at the most painful time of my life so it creates a lot mental chaos. How did I love someone who can’t even ask if I’m ok? When he say it, it’s not a question it’s a statement, like you aren’t my responsibility anymore. Only because you left me alone, doesn’t mean it wasn’t your baby. He won’t even let me talk about what happened to me. Like his pain with trust being broken is more. How did I end up with another person who doesn’t love me - and I know it stems back to my relationship with my parents so at least I know what to do now. I take accountability for not standing up for his distancing behaviour previous to my pregnancy, I was so naive to see what I wanted to see. I need to stop projecting what I want people to be on others, this makes me so susceptible to harm. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 24, 2023 8:07:11 GMT
Sure, some of those things you list are dysfunctional coping mechanisms. And they can be avoidant / FA, yes. But getting triggered avoidant, being FA, does not mean completely lacking empathy for another person. Sometimes people can lose access to their empathy temporarily when deeply triggered, but it is an exception more than the rule (meaning they do not lack empathy the majority of the time), and they don't use it as an excuse to be selfish and keep acting out. You can be FA, and also totally lack empathy, for example if you've got a personality disorder. But tnr9 is right. The important thing here is he's dysfunctional and his behavior towards you has been awful, full stop. Why doesn't matter at this point, YOU matter at this point. So I fully support you taking any mental and emotional energy you're using trying to figure him out, and going to a therapist to address what you need instead. It can be tempting to look outwardly to others because you were raised that way (forced to focus on the needs of others instead of yourself), or because it's less painful to distract yourself with another person's problem than to introspect and have to face your own deep wounds. But you can't process and get through what's happening to you unless you give yourself space to focus on yourself, even if it's painful. Thank all so much for your replies. You guys are right, I’m trying to make sense of something dysfunctional. To some extent I’m trying to work out what has happened to me, why does it feel so painful, feels like I have been devalued and discarded at the most painful time of my life so it creates a lot mental chaos. How did I love someone who can’t even ask if I’m ok? When he say it, it’s not a question it’s a statement, like you aren’t my responsibility anymore. Only because you left me alone, doesn’t mean it wasn’t your baby. He won’t even let me talk about what happened to me. Like his pain with trust being broken is more. How did I end up with another person who doesn’t love me - and I know it stems back to my relationship with my parents so at least I know what to do now. I take accountability for not standing up for his distancing behaviour previous to my pregnancy, I was so naive to see what I wanted to see. I need to stop projecting what I want people to be on others, this makes me so susceptible to harm. I spent 3 years with a narcissist who would treat me like a possession versus a person and the awful truth is that I prayed he would break up with me because I did not have the strength to break up with him. Individuals with low empathy usually are attracted to individuals with high empathy. I am an AP leaning FA in relationships also and I have had to forgive myself for choosing incompatible partners…but like you, mine also started from childhood wounding. The best course forward is to be curious with love towards yourself and find a therapist who can help you to untangle and process everything. I remember how upside down the world seemed when E did finally break up with me. For every “why” question, treat yourself to a self love answer. |
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Post by faanxiousleaning on May 24, 2023 9:57:17 GMT
Thank all so much for your replies. You guys are right, I’m trying to make sense of something dysfunctional. To some extent I’m trying to work out what has happened to me, why does it feel so painful, feels like I have been devalued and discarded at the most painful time of my life so it creates a lot mental chaos. How did I love someone who can’t even ask if I’m ok? When he say it, it’s not a question it’s a statement, like you aren’t my responsibility anymore. Only because you left me alone, doesn’t mean it wasn’t your baby. He won’t even let me talk about what happened to me. Like his pain with trust being broken is more. How did I end up with another person who doesn’t love me - and I know it stems back to my relationship with my parents so at least I know what to do now. I take accountability for not standing up for his distancing behaviour previous to my pregnancy, I was so naive to see what I wanted to see. I need to stop projecting what I want people to be on others, this makes me so susceptible to harm. I spent 3 years with a narcissist who would treat me like a possession versus a person and the awful truth is that I prayed he would break up with me because I did not have the strength to break up with him. Individuals with low empathy usually are attracted to individuals with high empathy. I am an AP leaning FA in relationships also and I have had to forgive myself for choosing incompatible partners…but like you, mine also started from childhood wounding. The best course forward is to be curious with love towards yourself and find a therapist who can help you to untangle and process everything. I remember how upside down the world seemed when E did finally break up with me. For every “why” question, treat yourself to a self love answer. I’m going to look into what that is - thank you. I’m so very sorry to hear of your experience, but relieved to hear past tense in the ‘spent’ and hopefully you’ve recovered. It’s like pulling yourself out of their reality into actual reality. Yes he is definitely some sort of user, how is there anyway someone who cares about you would turn in such dramatic way during such a hard time. We had plans and a life and it’s like they never existed. I’m going to start to focus on what I want from future now, while giving myself room natural processes of healing without judgment and not an overwhelming amount of black and white thinking which I can be guilty of. Someone is either good or bad or loves me or hates me. It’s like I can’t cope with the idea of someone’s indifference which triggers my abandonment wound. Much love x |
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Post by faanxiousleaning on May 31, 2023 10:58:04 GMT
Hello friends
And update and a warning.
I’ve been seeking guidance from a therapist and like you’ve all said the signs my husband has shown is not only an attachment style but potentially something more insidious.
I never realised narcissists came and sizes, I always associated it with being grandiose and show offy.
With guidance and thought we have come to the conclusion that my husband was and is a covert narcissist.
I didn’t want to post this when I found out - mainly as when you’re anxious you do like to talk about things with people to continue rolling in the mud like a desperate piglet, but I decided now is the best time to help those who have a weird feeling that something isn’t right but FA videos are the nearest to what you link it to.
Covert narcs can be what seems, humble, lovely, kind, even empathetic for however they want to be, but it’s never real.
It’s a mask and it slips.
Going missing, blaming work or illness for weeks on end, there’s always some drama which they are the victim to.
The are hyper vigilant which is similar to fearful avoidance
The go cold and turn off quickly same, it seems similar to FAs according to material online.
Lying to get what they want.
But unlike FAs, the distinction is kindness and level of empathy.
That feeling that something is off,
As an FA myself, but anxious leaning person I always doubt it when I don’t trust as it’s a natural state for me, but I always felt off like I couldn’t trust thing they were saying - it was my thrown off instinct and I had no idea.
I hope this post helps someone who is stuck justifying bad actions for something that is a lot more serious and is beyond therapy.
Lots of love
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Post by alexandra on May 31, 2023 20:50:02 GMT
This makes sense. I'm sorry you've had to go through it, but glad you got some answers. Recovering from narcissistic abuse can be described as coming out of a fog, and it can take some time. I'm glad you've found a therapist that sounds like they have some expertise in this area and can give you the recovery support you need. It's not an easy thing to heal from, but getting yourself out of his sphere of influence is a good early step!
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