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Post by lovebunny on Jun 8, 2023 14:12:11 GMT
FA exbf has made contact on 2 separate occasions in the past couple of weeks. First, a text in which he said he hopes space from him is what's needed. He's wanted to reach out, he thinks about me every day and wishes me well and that I'm "very special."
Then, he messaged me yesterday when he saw pictures of the play I'm in to tell me how badass I am and how he's so proud of me.
I have not responded to either communication, partially because I don't understand his reasoning. "Giving me space??" Did he think he'd end up back in my life in some way after he devalued and dumped me? Proud of me??? I did that DESPITE him, despite the fact that after our relationship my self-esteem was basement level.
I cannot seem to muster up the calm, cool indifference to just be like, "Ok, thanks dude!" And that wouldn't come off genuine. I don't see any point in telling him off again, or in being insulting, it doesn't change anything. So I don't respond, but that feels like silent treatment.
Should I just ask him what he wants from me? Do I care? I don't want to be "friends" really, because I don't want to hear about women he's dating. There's nothing he and I ever did together that I can't do with other friends or alone--I take that back. We used to take wonderful trips into the back country that I don't know anyone else capable of navigating alone.
Blocking him seems harsh, I honestly think he means well and misses me. I also live in a small island community, and I don't want to be a douche. I just want to believe that this is someone who probably cared or possibly still cares for me the best he knows how, and not just feel soooo hurt that none of his words are "I made a huge mistake and I want you back so badly it's killing me."
I've been talking to a new guy, a widower, who seems promising, edgy enough to keep my interest but has maintained long term monogamy as well. We'll see I won't get to meet him in person for another couple weeks.
The play is almost over. I'll miss having something to do, but I'm kind of glad. It has been intense to do love scenes with someone. I mean, they're gazing into your eyes, you get their scent in your system, kissing (closed-mouth, but still very intimate.) Oxytoxin and, of course, adrenaline is pumping. But it isn't real. Unfortunately, it's the most physical contact I get these days, and maybe this isn't good for a love addict to get a "hit." I find myself a crushing on my very unavailable costar. Ah well, it' s all over after tonight.
I've been picturing my need, my hunger, as tentacles that come out when my emotions are overwhelmed. My tentacles scare people, so I have to keep them in check.
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Post by anne12 on Jun 8, 2023 15:19:35 GMT
You do not have to give an answer right away Boundary setting is a process Try to look at the boundary setting model in the anger thread Also instead of leaning into people you can try to do the opposite and be still and observe or lean back Maybe tnr9 can explain to you HOW she worked with boundaries in her therapy sessions - where she ends and other people begins |
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Post by mrob on Jun 8, 2023 16:07:36 GMT
I think some people read too much into blocking. Blocking is necessary as a tool for your sanity. It conveys a message that you don’t wish to be in touch anymore for whatever reason. Hooray for some modern technology in that regard.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 8, 2023 17:50:36 GMT
When I've needed space that an FA ex refused to give me, I told him I was blocking him and nicely why, direct communication first. Eventually I unblocked him when I was ready, almost a year later, and he was happy to hear from me and instantly wanted to reconnect (and then it was on me to keep my boundaries in check). So I agree with mrob that blocking doesn't need to be negative. If you don't want to block him but you get dysregulated hearing from him, send a really short message back. Something like, "Thank you for your message about the play. I appreciate you giving me space and request that you continue to do that for the foreseeable future." That's it. Per what anne said, you don't need to do it right away, though you may want to consider it before your free time increases and you have more brain space to entertain his contact through intrusive thoughts. |
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 10, 2023 17:25:42 GMT
I responded this morning, to his facebook message only, not his text, and only to thank him for congratulating me on the play, and to say it was an amazing and challenging experience. It's the same as I'd say to any acquaintance in the community who offered their heartfelt support.
It was great to feel so loved everywhere I went this past week while the play was going on, to have people come up and tell me how much they loved watching me. Not gonna lie, I will miss the attention. I need to figure out something else to focus on.
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Post by mrob on Jun 10, 2023 21:58:44 GMT
Lovely that you’re seeing the positive, but that’s not what this is. When I’ve done this, it has been mostly to get a response; to selfishly find a weak point to get back in. That’s the way the cycle works.
Example - I don’t have an attachment figure right now. My head has thought of so many people I could send a message to. Some are preposterous suggestions, some are really tempting. The drive can be intense. I don’t, of course. The best thing I can do for them is to stay away.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 11, 2023 4:11:35 GMT
Thanks for the reality check, Mrob. I was tryna see the good in him, which I know is there. Yeah, he responded quickly, which I didn't expect. I thought we'd be done with our little exchange. He said something like "I heard you were great,couldn't bring myself to go for obvious reasons." I won't be responding.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 11, 2023 4:27:58 GMT
He wants a foothold, like I brought up in the other post. He will definitely keep responding as long as you do, and maybe even if you don't. Don't give the breadcrumbs power over you, and you'll be okay. I still think at some point if he keeps reaching out and you don't want to block him, you'll have to (politely? but directly) tell him to back off. It's all about him, for him. He doesn't have the awareness that someone like mrob has now, or good boundaries, so he won't think it through and realize he should leave you alone.
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Post by cherrycola on Jun 11, 2023 5:26:14 GMT
Thanks for the reality check, Mrob. I was tryna see the good in him, which I know is there. Yeah, he responded quickly, which I didn't expect. I thought we'd be done with our little exchange. He said something like "I heard you were great,couldn't bring myself to go for obvious reasons." I won't be responding. In my experience at least this is how it goes. You being unavailable have tipped him anxious so he is going to chase you until he feels more "secure". You've gotten too far away in his subconscious so he needs to pull you to a comfortable distance/reaffirm you are there for him. |
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Post by cherrycola on Jun 11, 2023 5:27:55 GMT
Lovely that you’re seeing the positive, but that’s not what this is. When I’ve done this, it has been mostly to get a response; to selfishly find a weak point to get back in. That’s the way the cycle works. Example - I don’t have an attachment figure right now. My head has thought of so many people I could send a message to. Some are preposterous suggestions, some are really tempting. The drive can be intense. I don’t, of course. The best thing I can do for them is to stay away. Oddly your post just clicked as to why I've been thinking about Mr. Situationship and my exes so much lately. I don't have an "attachment figure" so to speak so I'm trying to find an "anchor" in one of the men I've been with before. |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 11, 2023 6:03:06 GMT
In my experience at least this is how it goes. You being unavailable have tipped him anxious so he is going to chase you until he feels more "secure". You've gotten too far away in his subconscious so he needs to pull you to a comfortable distance/reaffirm you are there for him. Yes, it's a combination of this and that he uses lovebunny to triangulate with his other partner (and did the same when they were still together, even though now it's to create distance with the current partner instead of with lovebunny). |
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Post by mrob on Jun 11, 2023 7:24:20 GMT
Yes, it's a combination of this and that he uses lovebunny to triangulate with his other partner (and did the same when they were still together, even though now it's to create distance with the current partner instead of with lovebunny). That’s even more interesting, and scary. This stuff is so cunning in the background. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2023 8:30:22 GMT
When you dont have an emotional attachment to the ex it's a lot easier to see the rote behaviors. I've got one that hits me up with smiles and sweetness every three months like clockwork. If I was attached it would be torture but having outgrown that scene its just sobering. It's not about me at all I don't think... its about his loneliness and need for validation. I think it's sad, I'm not judging, I can feel his desperation.  |
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 11, 2023 14:10:21 GMT
Meanwhile, I'm flailing around with no anchor/attachment figure, but exbf doesn't feel like someone I want to try to attach to again. Breadcrumbs aren't appetizing. I'll tell him off again if I have to, I'd rather not block him. I'm kind of interested to watch him twist in the wind a little.
None of the people I've slept with in recent history are good candidates for secure attachment as far as I can tell. I keep hoping I'll meet someone organically (IRL) and not online (though I'm online too.)
What with getting lots of attention from the theater crowd lately, plus it's Pride month here, I've been going out constantly, making lots of new friends and connections which is great, but seriously, every one I meet and have any sort of attraction to is already taken. In fact, I have not met a single age-appropriate person who is into women and NOT already in a relationship. And I'm looking REALLY HARD.
Flirted with a woman who flirted, hard, back--then met her boyfriend, they both gave me their numbers. Sigh.
Flirted with another woman (I thought) but she turned out to be straight
Guy I've sparked with on several occasions, just did some cyberstalking he's in a serious long term r'ship
Woman I've had a crush on for a while has been coming around me a lot with her new girlfriend.
My FA exgf is around in a seemingly happy newish r'ship
My envy for all of these happy couples sucks. I come home at night and cry, even if I've had a good time all night. The loneliness and transition to being alone feels harsh as f***. I hold my head up high while I'm out, dress cute, act like I have all the confidence on earth, then go home, usually have a little cry, then bed.
Still not gonna text him, lol.
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Post by anne12 on Jun 11, 2023 16:09:11 GMT
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