tish
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Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 9, 2023 3:12:45 GMT
Well…what to say? I have a boyfriend. He and I are in our low 40s. We went on our first trip together to Florida and he sort of wigged out and shut down, claiming it was “pain.” He has an issue with physical and mental pain. He said he had “pain” before the trip when things were fine with us. He was pushing himself to go…and hopefully he’d feel better…well, he found a moment to randomly shut down. He felt like I had more control I guess, which was odd to me. I guess he had gone along with what I’d wanted for the trip and what to do and I hadn’t realized it although I thought I was sensitive. I generally am. He spent all weekend with “pain” and claimed it wasn’t me it was the pain… but he clearly threw a sort of fit after he got annoyed and said “why is it always your decision?!!!” I tried to comfort him and he said leaving him alone and not touching him was the right thing to do because of the “pain.” We came back from trip where he wasn’t really talking to me for 2-3 days and I couldn’t understand if it was pain or psychiatric upset. He admitted a few days later that they go hand in hand usually. He said he needs to listen to his body but he isn’t sure yet what it’s tell him. After our first date, this man rode home listening to the book “attached.” I thought for sure he was into working on himself and would work things out with me. He and I saw each other for two months and he said he loved me multiple times, made Public displays of affection in his neighborhood a block from where he lived and said he was proud to be with me. I’m not actually controlling. We had had our first overnight together (we both have kids and odd schedules) and we normally see each other very very often since we both work nights. And actually we hadn’t had sex yet and that’s what the blow up was about, I decided I wasn’t ready. Which he had accepted in the past but I think he didn’t like that I was in control of whether we did. Fast forward, he didn’t talk much to me after trip. I reached out and I explained that his coping was determined before I met him and avoidant attachment would start to act up about now and he said he would consider what I said and he was glad we talked and he didn’t have answers but wished his therapist had an appointment. He had said in the past he thought he was secure but leaned avoidant. I worried avoidant but didn’t see it until the trip. He really hasn’t reached out a whole lot and I let him know I’m not able to be in a relationship if he keeps shutting me out but that I want to give him the space he needs to figure things out. He thanked me and said he needs it and that he wasn’t ready to talk yet. Sometimes I worry it was all for sex, but I know that wasn’t the case. He said he knew he wanted me to be his partner for life and he said he had never had anyone like me before— which made me look at him with an odd expression so he explained later —“I know you thought I meant romantically…that too but I feel like I connect with you intellectually and I can be vulnerable too. I’ve never had all three.” But now, he’s shutting me out and although he said he was willing to talk, he was still in pain and it’s hard to make it through the day. I don’t buy the pain thing (physical pain)completely. I don’t know. It’s hard to sort out. He told me he was willing to talk but knew I would ask a lot of questions and wasn’t ready for that. I told him I’m sorry he is pain and I can wait. So he hearted that. But he clearly didn’t really want to talk. So now it’s been another 4 days. No conversation. I said I wouldn’t be with him if he shuts me out, but I said wait. I don’t know what’s reasonable? If he is really trying to get answers, I might be okay waiting but how can he think this is a relationship?!! Is that possible he thinks he is still with me? Or am I being stupid here and he is trying to get rid of me?!! I swear he actually loved me. He wanted to pick out a couch that I would love and we went furniture shopping and he was counting down months before he’d meet kids (we agreed to 6). I swear he did love me. I am just so confused
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 9, 2023 3:21:03 GMT
I guess I’m hoping someone can confirm if this can happen? Almost two weeks, barely any contact? But he still thinks we are together? Or does it seem like is getting ready to discard me? I don’t know. He said there was only one other woman he has loved and he let her go and changed his mind. She wouldn’t have him back. I find it weird he wouldn’t notice his mistake again…especially since I mentioned the book attached so early and tried to communicate about attachments often with him… I’m a mostly recovered FA (conservative about sex that’s why I wasn’t ready).
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 9, 2023 5:10:53 GMT
I guess I’m hoping someone can confirm if this can happen? Almost two weeks, barely any contact? But he still thinks we are together? Or does it seem like is getting ready to discard me? I don’t know. He said there was only one other woman he has loved and he let her go and changed his mind. She wouldn’t have him back. I find it weird he wouldn’t notice his mistake again…especially since I mentioned the book attached so early and tried to communicate about attachments often with him… I’m a mostly recovered FA (conservative about sex that’s why I wasn’t ready). Hi and welcome…based on what you have stated above….he sounds like he has FA attachment versus DA (and leaned avoidant in your relationship) “Discarding” is a term most associated with narcissists who “use” people. He does not sound narcissistic. He sounds like he is having attachment issues mixed with other sensitivities that are not attachment related. It is good that he has a therapist, but perhaps he wasn’t ready to dive into an exploration of attachment theory….especially if it was early in the relationship. As someone recovering from your own trauma history, I am sure you can appreciate that it might cause someone to have a flee response. Whether he is planning to break up with you I can’t say…. but I would suggest you consider your own needs for a partner. If anything there is a lack of healthy communication which I would see as a red flag. Also…there is no such thing as secure leaning anything. If someone says he is secure but shows insecure attachment responses…he has an insecure attachment. |
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 9, 2023 12:33:33 GMT
I thought I’ve heard of us all leaning towards different attachments even if we are secure? Thanks for the correction. He was 100 fine reading attached. He would on his own let me know how far through he was and what he thought so far. That was our first week. He was interested in it he said. Our relationship was awesome after that and he and I would discuss my old fears and I would talk about how I was doing better. He would check in on me and he would mention now and then how he must be secure. He was trying to figure out his own attachment after reading the book and would say he must be secure. I think I used the wrong word, he didn’t discard. You are right. He shut down. He claimed he had pain. I would go to touch him to be loving and he would say “don’t touch me” and that the touching made more pain. It was hard to understand. He had his head covered with a pillow like a migraine and would describe it like a migraine. Big HOWEVER though. I know for certain he has traveled hours away and gone to an aquarium and done different things out and about after his last message about having a hard time getting through the day. That’s suspect to me. That’s not still the same pillow-over-the-head pain I saw in Florida and I’d think he could reach out and at least text. There has been no texting either. I have to reach out and when I do, he will respond. If I send a photo, he sends a photo. But I don’t reach out often because it really shouldn’t be like this. We should have a convo about what’s happening or it’s done. I see him as needing space and unlike a FA who would normally want to get close then fail. I guess he failed in Florida. Thanks for you help. It’s all very strange. He showed me a workbook he did for the pain syndrome earlier on and it had a list of characteristics of people with that pain and holding a grudge was a part of those characteristics. So I’m wondering if that’s what he is doing as well…sort of. The aquarium was an interesting thing he chose to do, since if he was trying to distance himself, fish would have reminded him of me because it’s a huge hobby of mine. That was just yesterday so maybe there is some hope☹️
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 9, 2023 12:34:54 GMT
Correction: he would admit to feeling like he leaned avoidant because we both thought that was a thing. But he would claim to be secure.
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Post by mrob on Jun 9, 2023 13:05:21 GMT
Text book FA. Deactivation after an escalation. You say you’re mostly secure. I’d be asking myself what effect this relationship is having on my recovery, and to try to put the boot on the other foot. How would I react if I was presenting as avoidant in this situation? Then act accordingly.
It’s a fact of life that love does not conquer all, especially in our 40s.
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 9, 2023 16:03:39 GMT
So interesting…so I’m dealing with an FA?!! That never occurred to me. I don’t know why I hadn’t considered it. Maybe because he never thought he was. I also I guess thought his silent treatment and dropping out of no where was avoidant. I think this is making more sense. Thanks.
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 9, 2023 17:30:39 GMT
So— if he is then FA, could it be testing behavior? Or is clearly deactivation? He was great to me earlier that morning. If it’s deactivation, what does that mean? Is that usually the end or the start of on and off again relationships?
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Post by mrob on Jun 9, 2023 22:47:12 GMT
The behaviour tells the story, not the words. So does yours, by the way. No judgement, I’ve just come from a similar place recently, and I’ve been here a while. Jeb’s “Bad Boyfriends” book helped me to see my part in relationships. It’s easy to be focussed on them, but there’s no change there. FA can present either as anxious or avoidant, depending on the circumstance. In my experience, it’s the beginning of the end, but you have to do what you have to do.
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