tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 11, 2023 0:49:56 GMT
Hi. I posted on the DA forum thinking my boyfriend was a DA. They helped me see he is an FA. I’m a recovered FA (mostly) and I’m sad because I felt I had no choice sending my boyfriend whom I love a break up text today. He’s been distancing himself for two weekends after a first vacation together. He replied okay to my break up text and I asked if I could get my things tomorrow at noon. I guess I need support. I feel like I’m back sliding a bit. I want to kiss him and hold him when I get there but likely he will be cold and surprise me. I know he loves me. Nothing actually happened to cause this. I just knew that if I accepted his lack of communication now I would be setting myself up for more of it. I’m sort of hoping he gets a wake up call in a few weeks and realizes his mistake. Someone please tell me that distancing wouldn’t have gotten better? I don’t know how to be strong tomorrow. I love him.
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Post by mrob on Jun 11, 2023 11:08:51 GMT
Hang in there, tish. You’ll be ok. From my experience, it doesn’t get better, and it’s extraordinarily painful. I have two that I really miss, but this stuff seems to trump almost every other bit of compatibility. You’re in the right place. |
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 13, 2023 1:13:25 GMT
Sort of struggling now. When I went to his house yesterday he was quiet and sat down in the couch. It seemed he wanted to talk. We did. I told him about how we had gotten his attachment wrong. I told him he might be an FA and he was receptive and listening and agreeing to everything I said. We were more intimate than we had been in the past. It was clear we weren’t breaking up. Today I came to his house as we had planned to do a sleep over and everything was good. He and I trouble shooted tech issues we had and changed the settings of his phone to work with us syncing our special calendar my son had made for us to keep track of dates or important events. He kissed me and pulled me up to his bedroom to make out. We actually had sex which is quite a big deal for me. He actually struggled to stay up. He got frustrated, laid on his back and said “this isn’t working” as in sexually maybe we weren’t compatible. I cried. I cried a lot. He said he didn’t mean to hurt me. I cried more. He put his hand on my shoulder while I cried then pulled away and shut down. He said that he didn’t want to ever hear about fearful avoidance again. I said ok, but does that mean he doesn’t believe in it? And he said “you just did it again!” And then he said maybe I should leave and I should take anything I need, that he was going to get himself dinner and I should go. I assumed he meant take anything I need as in my things like I was supposed to do yesterday (and we never did). I grabbed as much as I could. I think I took him by surprised when I right away said “I need my printer.” He helped carry it out. He handed me a painting I’d given him. I had some extra things and he had just moved and had nothing but he very much can afford to replace whatever he wants. I can’t. So I took all my things. He helped. I said you know what this means? And he said he gets the gravity of the situation. I said do you want to talk and he said he doesn’t want to analyze things because I can’t help but analyze things even if I’m not trying. He said “we can figure it out later”. He was short and snippy and rude and I couldn’t believe he would treat me this way after sleeping with me. Ask me to go? I mean, it was rude. I think it was me crying. He visably withdrew and started looking at other things on his phone. Is this sort of typical for an FA? I’m so hurt I want to understand things. I know I don’t deserve this but want to guess what might happen. I’m so hurt. This must be the unpredictable and volatile nature of FA. Is sex one of the things that makes an FA retract? This is for the best, but please help me understand because I feel terrible.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 13, 2023 2:00:46 GMT
I'm sorry this happened, tish. It's not exactly an FA thing, though the mutual insecure attachment styles didn't help make communication easier. You had breakup sex. Breakups are really difficult when people care about each other and don't want things to end but don't know how to fix them. He heard you out, clearly in the moment thought maybe there was something to it and he wanted to try something different (or perhaps got overwhelmed and agreeable as a people-pleasing defense mechanism, fawning and bargaining). Things were passionate and sad and you both reached out for connection and slept together trying to sort it out. But lots of feelings aren't enough to fix issues like this, and he realized that afterwards. In telling you not to talk about attachment anymore, he was telling you he's not ready or willing to confront that, and there's really nothing you can do. Except respect his wishes. There are different needs here, different communication styles, the dynamic just isn't working on both ends. It's very common for someone to hear about attachment, think about it, get defensive, realize they aren't giving the partner what the partner needs, and accept that things just don't work. So you broke up. And you feel awful because breakups feel awful. You can't rationalize through it, you need to mourn and give it time, and process those hurt and terrible feelings. It's normal. I'm sorry things didn't work out, take care of yourself. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 13, 2023 2:59:36 GMT
Sort of struggling now. When I went to his house yesterday he was quiet and sat down in the couch. It seemed he wanted to talk. We did. I told him about how we had gotten his attachment wrong. I told him he might be an FA and he was receptive and listening and agreeing to everything I said. We were more intimate than we had been in the past. It was clear we weren’t breaking up. Today I came to his house as we had planned to do a sleep over and everything was good. He and I trouble shooted tech issues we had and changed the settings of his phone to work with us syncing our special calendar my son had made for us to keep track of dates or important events. He kissed me and pulled me up to his bedroom to make out. We actually had sex which is quite a big deal for me. He actually struggled to stay up. He got frustrated, laid on his back and said “this isn’t working” as in sexually maybe we weren’t compatible. I cried. I cried a lot. He said he didn’t mean to hurt me. I cried more. He put his hand on my shoulder while I cried then pulled away and shut down. He said that he didn’t want to ever hear about fearful avoidance again. I said ok, but does that mean he doesn’t believe in it? And he said “you just did it again!” And then he said maybe I should leave and I should take anything I need, that he was going to get himself dinner and I should go. I assumed he meant take anything I need as in my things like I was supposed to do yesterday (and we never did). I grabbed as much as I could. I think I took him by surprised when I right away said “I need my printer.” He helped carry it out. He handed me a painting I’d given him. I had some extra things and he had just moved and had nothing but he very much can afford to replace whatever he wants. I can’t. So I took all my things. He helped. I said you know what this means? And he said he gets the gravity of the situation. I said do you want to talk and he said he doesn’t want to analyze things because I can’t help but analyze things even if I’m not trying. He said “we can figure it out later”. He was short and snippy and rude and I couldn’t believe he would treat me this way after sleeping with me. Ask me to go? I mean, it was rude. I think it was me crying. He visably withdrew and started looking at other things on his phone. Is this sort of typical for an FA? I’m so hurt I want to understand things. I know I don’t deserve this but want to guess what might happen. I’m so hurt. This must be the unpredictable and volatile nature of FA. Is sex one of the things that makes an FA retract? This is for the best, but please help me understand because I feel terrible. I would not call it an FA thing…but I do agree with alexandra about the breakup sex. Happened to me the night B broke up with me….well…not all the way…but he was super touchy which was so confusing. Here he was telling me we were incompatible but still wanting a cuddle buddy. I felt used…but I also felt there were mixed messages. It was like he finally had an opportunity to just let his insecure thoughts be expressed. The part that I do think is somewhat FA is the guilt….the not wanting to hurt you…even though breakups hurt. I highly recommend blocking him everywhere because what will likely happen is he will reappear being all nice again…because the pressure of dating is off and you can be friends. I tried to be friends with B and it wasn’t a good self care move. I still had so many feelings that I had not processed through so I kept getting triggered and re triggered. |
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 13, 2023 13:09:52 GMT
I’m working on processing what you guys are saying. So difficult for me. We were working things out in our own minds, but yes, he might have been people pleasing. He said to me the day we were supposed to break up, after I told him about FA and he said “yes,yes,yes” to the laundry list of what deactivating feels like “I’ll be better off alone, I can’t trust her, she’s wrong for ABC” …and he said to me “if you didn’t know what you know, and explain it in the way you just explained it, we wouldn’t be together.” And we were cuddling? It was so strange to basically be like “we were almost done.” That was the night before. We still hadn’t done a sleep over at his house (kids/parenting schedules) I was absolutely god smacked that he could blame our connection because we are in our 40s, he’s on meds for his pain that could be the reason, and I’m about to get surgery for a physical issue that is really quite gross and he knew I was self conscious about that. I have an ostomy right now. It’s quite gross to think of and he always said it was a non issue. I have surgery this week to reverse it. This is all very terrible timing and I’m quite hurt by it. And of course he was all kissy and fine that afternoon, although he was in so much pain one side of his face was crying. He has so many physical issues. How could he blame this on us? That was hard for me. Also!! He doesn’t like condoms. I had him using a condom. I mean, there are so many factors here…it wasn’t until he pointed out that it wasn’t working that I thought it was him and I! We were incredibly hot and heavy before we ever had sex and he had hard ons all the freakin time that didn’t die at all. His quick to be angry and shut down and almost “get rid of me” feeling of him having me go after the argument was so incredibly insulting. I didn’t deserve that. I do protect myself from being hurt by a sexual encounter, so that’s why I’m super conservative sexually and this is really difficult for me to understand the concept of break up sex but maybe you all are right. I’m so fragile over sex that I know not to have sex carelessly with a new partner and this was the first time we were having sex. I’m mad at myself I guess now. And I’m hurt by him that he didn’t care about me more to not do that without intentions to give a relationship more effort than to boot me out. I feel like trash.
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 13, 2023 13:16:35 GMT
I think at the time, when I was driving home, I felt like he did want it to work, but he couldn’t hold it together again. That maybe me being in his space, and planning to spend the night with him (like I was when he deactivated the first time) was making it difficult for him. I guess me crying is for sure what shut him down. He offered me a little bit of comfort then he gave up and said I should go. I cried maybe 15 minutes. I hadn’t done that before with him either.
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Post by mrob on Jun 13, 2023 14:47:25 GMT
Firstly, you’re not trash. Secondly, everyone in their 40s has stuff going on. Body, mental, something. If they don’t, steer clear, they’re delusional.
Importantly, most people do not get this. This attachment stuff is confronting on the most intimate level. It’s hard, full of excruciatingly painful lumps and bumps. Most people prefer not to look at this. Most of us end up in places like this baffled, confused and in pain. He didn’t want to look. Would you be happy with that? If it frustrates you now, every chance it would have driven you crazy later.
Are there thing you can do with yourself? Absolutely. Not trash, though.
Not trash.
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 13, 2023 15:14:57 GMT
Thanks. I’m having a hard time. We had gotten phones together and he just disconnected mine since he was on the plan and not me. I don’t know that he can even contact me now because that was the number he had for me (the one he disconnected)and he is showing he doesn’t care at all. Disconnecting someone’s phone is pretty harsh. Took no time to do it. He was just with his kids this morning so must have literally picked them up and then called to disconnect the phone. He isn’t good with stuff like that either, I had to help him…so he must have been pretty motivated to “show me.” since I took so much of my stuff back (printer, paintings, toys that were borrowing for his kids, cooking pan). I think he has anger issues. The way he said “I think you should go” was like out of no where and unkind after I had just cried. I didn’t blame him or say anything. I was just so hurt. Does this even sound like another deactivation? Obviously he wanted to hurt me or he wouldn’t have disconnected the phone so fast? Ahhhh internet attachment gods, make sense of my inner pain, please. I’m shaking. I wanted my things. He just wanted to hurt me. I don’t have a lot of money. He knows this. I actually have barely any money. He has an extremely comfortable life. It’s cruel. He knows I was dependent on my phone and he was sending a message I guess to me that he never wants to talk ever again? But he told me he would bring me the smaller pieces of furniture he still has of mine. I don’t get it. I hope he regrets how he responded with all of this.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 13, 2023 16:29:56 GMT
tish Please stop assuming he wanted to hurt you and being so hard on yourself. That's actually a very negative narrative coming from your own attachment issues. It is far more likely he's trying to disconnect because the breakup hurts him as well, and cutting the most visible ties and reminders between you is the easiest way to do that. I don't think he consciously realized it was breakup sex either and that was his intent, it's just something that can easily happen when emotions are running high between two people and they don't know how to handle the situation. Once your anxious side has had more time to deal with the pain of disconnection, hopefully your perspective will shift a bit. He has anger issues, you have sexual incompatibility issues, he has physical issues that impact his lifestyle that it is clear from your posts you were not entirely comfortable with, and overall you were not happy in this situation. It's okay things didn't work out because enduring relationships really aren't on this level of hard mode in the earlier days. Healthy relationships have a foundation of calmness, trust, and stability and aren't all about fighting for each other or power struggles. I've been in that kind, and there's better situations out there for you eventually. I think a big part of this is you have surgery coming up and that's scary, and it's "safer" to ruminate over him and distract yourself. Which is NOT to invalidate your emotional pain at all, which is very real, but a lot of time with attachment issues comes over- and under-coupling your emotions and attaching them to a partner and focusing on that instead of processing other even more difficult aspects in your life. Here's a helpful link about it, that maybe can help you do some processing over the next couple months. Best of luck that your surgery is successful! jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-response
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Post by alexandra on Jun 13, 2023 16:36:55 GMT
Ahhhh internet attachment gods, make sense of my inner pain, please. Also, I wanted to point out this wording. Part of the struggle with breakups and disconnection when you have an AP or FA style is distrust in yourself and difficulty with emotional self-regulation. Looking to others to ease your pain, and vice-versa, thinking it's your responsibility to manage the feelings of others and them yours. All very normal to the attachment style because it's usually what you know and how you were raised by someone else who did the same and expected it from you. Yes, if you don't know what you don't know, you need access to the information, which is one of the reasons I post to try to help! But ultimately, the goal will be for you to take that information, and any therapy help, and make sense of it on your own. That's where some insecures can get stuck on processing and the muscles you start to build up and practice using to get through it  |
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 15, 2023 1:57:51 GMT
Thanks for the feedback everyone! I really needed the support and I see how that’s still being a fearful avoidant. I think I was pretty triggered when I left him and I think there was some overreacting on my part. I normally don’t but I’m so freakin touchy about sex that I think I got this one maybe wrong. He didn’t react well but I was touchy perhaps? I don’t have answers. He apparently didn’t lock me out of my phone. It randomly had a sim issue. Poor timing. He literally did everything to help me today get that restored. When he was discussing it with the carrier’s employees he was suggesting three way calls with me and was clearly trying to do what he could. Makes me feel sort of badly and confused. I’m going into surgery tomorrow morning and more scared about that at the moment I think like you all suggested! Wish me luck! I’m not sure what to make of it. I have him my info for after surgery like I told him I would. I don’t feel that strong after how helpful he was. Maybe I’m wrong?
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Post by anne12 on Jun 15, 2023 2:56:09 GMT
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Jun 15, 2023 5:00:48 GMT
Anne, that was interesting! I didn’t know a lot of that. I will see if the doc will add local anesthesia to the general. I’m having a major surgery so I’m thinking the fight or flight thing is for sure what I’m experiencing. Interesting. Thanks.
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