sorgin
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by sorgin on Jun 14, 2023 13:31:22 GMT
Hi all. It's been a long time since I don't post here and I would like to ask for advice. Last year I dated a (presumably) DA girl. I ended up breaking up with her after a few months because I would get constantly triggered by her faultpicking abilities. She was complaining about me and everything else when we were on a date, the van being untidy, me being too relaxed, the texture of the snow while skiing, the weather, the food at a restaurant, whatever, which triggered me and made me to shut down and be cold ane anxious at the same time. She had to do things her way which didn't help at all. BUT she is a genuine good woman, honestly I like her as a human being, she's got a good hearth, no doubt about it, and I like how honest and sincere she is. You don't have to mindread or second guess her. She will tell you or you just ask and she answers. She will be perfect for someone else if she works on herself and it's a pity she gets rejected again and again, that's why I am here. She has never had a long relationship, has so high standards for a man but then ends up picking what looks like FAs which is ironical but not shocking. The other day she messaged me and said she had had a look at attachment theory and asked me if I thought she was an avoidant. She was sad that she couldn't find a partner. I told her that yes, I thought she was most likely an avoidant. What sources would you recommend me to bring to her? I would like to give away a book. It's a shame she is not fluent in English as I find most of the info in Spanish redundant and superfluous. But there must be some book somewhere which is translated so she doesn't have an excuse not to read it haha. Thanks in advance. PD: I decided to post here as the avoidant section is mostly AP asking for advice.  |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 14, 2023 15:57:27 GMT
Hi all. It's been a long time since I don't post here and I would like to ask for advice. Last year I dated a (presumably) DA girl. I ended up breaking up with her after a few months because I would get constantly triggered by her faultpicking abilities. She was complaining about me and everything else when we were on a date, the van being untidy, me being too relaxed, the texture of the snow while skiing, the weather, the food at a restaurant, whatever, which triggered me and made me to shut down and be cold ane anxious at the same time. She had to do things her way which didn't help at all. BUT she is a genuine good woman, honestly I like her as a human being, she's got a good hearth, no doubt about it, and I like how honest and sincere she is. You don't have to mindread or second guess her. She will tell you or you just ask and she answers. She will be perfect for someone else if she works on herself and it's a pity she gets rejected again and again, that's why I am here. She has never had a long relationship, has so high standards for a man but then ends up picking what looks like FAs which is ironical but not shocking. The other day she messaged me and said she had had a look at attachment theory and asked me if I thought she was an avoidant. She was sad that she couldn't find a partner. I told her that yes, I thought she was most likely an avoidant. What sources would you recommend me to bring to her? I would like to give away a book. It's a shame she is not fluent in English as I find most of the info in Spanish redundant and superfluous. But there must be some book somewhere which is translated so she doesn't have an excuse not to read it haha. Thanks in advance. PD: I decided to post here as the avoidant section is mostly AP asking for advice. Honestly….Sending her a book if she did not ask you to send her one, might come across as you trying to be her therapist or telling her who she is. Remember that people like to have choices….so instead of sending her a book….send her some links to pages or YouTube sites that you have found helpful….make sure you state “these are sites that I have found helpful on my attachment journey that you may want to look into”. That way…she can decide on her own if she wants to continue to explore or not. |
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sorgin
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by sorgin on Jun 14, 2023 17:02:08 GMT
Hi all. It's been a long time since I don't post here and I would like to ask for advice. Last year I dated a (presumably) DA girl. I ended up breaking up with her after a few months because I would get constantly triggered by her faultpicking abilities. She was complaining about me and everything else when we were on a date, the van being untidy, me being too relaxed, the texture of the snow while skiing, the weather, the food at a restaurant, whatever, which triggered me and made me to shut down and be cold ane anxious at the same time. She had to do things her way which didn't help at all. BUT she is a genuine good woman, honestly I like her as a human being, she's got a good hearth, no doubt about it, and I like how honest and sincere she is. You don't have to mindread or second guess her. She will tell you or you just ask and she answers. She will be perfect for someone else if she works on herself and it's a pity she gets rejected again and again, that's why I am here. She has never had a long relationship, has so high standards for a man but then ends up picking what looks like FAs which is ironical but not shocking. The other day she messaged me and said she had had a look at attachment theory and asked me if I thought she was an avoidant. She was sad that she couldn't find a partner. I told her that yes, I thought she was most likely an avoidant. What sources would you recommend me to bring to her? I would like to give away a book. It's a shame she is not fluent in English as I find most of the info in Spanish redundant and superfluous. But there must be some book somewhere which is translated so she doesn't have an excuse not to read it haha. Thanks in advance. PD: I decided to post here as the avoidant section is mostly AP asking for advice. Honestly….Sending her a book if she did not ask you to send her one, might come across as you trying to be her therapist or telling her who she is. Remember that people like to have choices….so instead of sending her a book….send her some links to pages or YouTube sites that you have found helpful….make sure you state “these are sites that I have found helpful on my attachment journey that you may want to look into”. That way…she can decide on her own if she wants to continue to explore or not. Thanks for your answer. I would like to give the book to her anyway if found one as she is aware that she might be an avoidant and she is free to read it or not. I don't think it's going to change her mind. Just deliver the book and let her decide for herself whether it feels familiar with her and what she can do about it. Cheers. |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 14, 2023 18:25:07 GMT
I haven't read it, but apparently Thais Gibson wrote a book. Her videos are top notch, so you can try that www.barnesandnoble.com/w/attachment-theory-thais-gibson/1136377522I doubt most of the popular attachment style books are popular enough to have been translated into several languages though besides Attached, and from everything I've heard, I would only recommend that book as an introduction for anxious and not for avoidants. She may also be on the spectrum or have OCD if she needs everything just so and very controlled (which may be why she complains about everything that isn't), so she's also probably better off talking to a professional, if that's culturally acceptable... |
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sorgin
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by sorgin on Jun 14, 2023 21:47:42 GMT
I haven't read it, but apparently Thais Gibson wrote a book. Her videos are top notch, so you can try that www.barnesandnoble.com/w/attachment-theory-thais-gibson/1136377522I doubt most of the popular attachment style books are popular enough to have been translated into several languages though besides Attached, and from everything I've heard, I would only recommend that book as an introduction for anxious and not for avoidants. She may also be on the spectrum or have OCD if she needs everything just so and very controlled (which may be why she complains about everything that isn't), so she's also probably better off talking to a professional, if that's culturally acceptable... I partially read Thais Gibson book (FA section). Much better than Attached. In regards to her having OCD I don't think she does. I might be stereotyping the disorder as I don't know anything about it but she doesn't look like obsesive. She is the kind of person who is unsatisffied and has to always complain. The last time we dated we went on a ski trip and she complaint more than ever before. I said to her that she was complaining too much and asked if that was something she usually did or was when she was around me. She said she usually doesn't do it so she was either triggered by me or was lying about it. |
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sorgin
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by sorgin on Jun 14, 2023 21:53:43 GMT
She is smart and very honest with herself. I am sure if I give her something she can relate with and gets curious she will find out whatever it is or seek profesional help if needed.
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Post by introvert on Jun 16, 2023 15:27:49 GMT
She is smart and very honest with herself. I am sure if I give her something she can relate with and gets curious she will find out whatever it is or seek profesional help if needed. I'm with you, DA are independent minded so she doesn't need choices or padding around this. Straight to the point is good, her choice isn't in question (to her. If shes a DA, She is already sure that she will do what she feels comfortable with and not do what she doesn't want to do) and she absolutely will do whatever she thinks is best. When I became familiar with this stuff I was all in, because I'm not deterred by the idea that I'm not good at relarionships.... I already knew it. Shame isn't as big a factor (consciously at least) and I didn't get triggered by the info I found it fascinating. And since the locus of control is already inward, it's more energizing than it is triggering for me to come to understand even my shortcoming because then I can do something about it. I haven't experienced the huge resistance to that process that I've seen in the AP group, who are very shame based and trigger-y when it comes to finding out they stink at relationships like all other insecure. I speak frankly to my avoidant best friend about everything like this and there is no offense or shrinking away, we enjoy being the master of our domain and that means healing when we find the need |
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Post by introvert on Jun 16, 2023 15:42:45 GMT
That said I don't have a book recommendation I like stuff by Diane Poole Heller and Thais Gibson although some of Thais stuff feels cringey to me when she talks about how to "help" a DA with their feelings. Other than that she's really helpful.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 17, 2023 9:45:07 GMT
She is smart and very honest with herself. I am sure if I give her something she can relate with and gets curious she will find out whatever it is or seek profesional help if needed. I'm with you, DA are independent minded so she doesn't need choices or padding around this. Straight to the point is good, her choice isn't in question (to her. If shes a DA, She is already sure that she will do what she feels comfortable with and not do what she doesn't want to do) and she absolutely will do whatever she thinks is best. When I became familiar with this stuff I was all in, because I'm not deterred by the idea that I'm not good at relarionships.... I already knew it. Shame isn't as big a factor (consciously at least) and I didn't get triggered by the info I found it fascinating. And since the locus of control is already inward, it's more energizing than it is triggering for me to come to understand even my shortcoming because then I can do something about it. I haven't experienced the huge resistance to that process that I've seen in the AP group, who are very shame based and trigger-y when it comes to finding out they stink at relationships like all other insecure. I speak frankly to my avoidant best friend about everything like this and there is no offense or shrinking away, we enjoy being the master of our domain and that means healing when we find the need Point taken introvert…good to know about the not needing choices.🙂 |
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Post by sunrisequest on Jun 19, 2023 6:29:43 GMT
Hi Sorgin, I also would recommend Diane Poole Heller, I like her way of explaining things. Her book The Power of Attachment might be a good one.
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