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Post by tnr9 on Jun 17, 2023 9:41:33 GMT
I am very excited about the opportunity to go visit my mom’s family. She and I will be leaving late July and returning in august. My mom has always been direct and as an adult, I understand it…but it can come across at times as “harsh” and I wanted to use this trip as an opportunity to change the dialogue between us because a lot of what she mentions really ties back to an old picture she has of me (I expect you not to talk the whole time on the flight). The more self regulated I become…the more I see her still treating me as if I have not done any work. My mom is a good person and this is simply trying to address a communication gap. How is the best way for me to get the point over to her that 1. She doesn’t have to view me through old tapes 2. We are different and that is ok…but a middle ground can be reached.
Also…I recognize that going “home” is always a bit of a de regulating event for her…how do I best support her since I lean anxious and am not familiar with her needs.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2023 14:47:58 GMT
Is there a reason you can't speak plainly and tell her verbatim the two points you made here?
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 17, 2023 15:47:20 GMT
Is there a reason you can't speak plainly and tell her verbatim the two points you made here? Good question….I think I still have a bit of an irrational fear that she won’t hear it as it is intended and will instead shut down. When my parents divorced, my dad was extremely mean towards my mom and I felt overly responsible to protect her….I know that sounds weird coming from an over 50 year old woman….but I still have that first instinct to protect her even when the conversation would benefit me. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2023 13:50:31 GMT
Is there a reason you can't speak plainly and tell her verbatim the two points you made here? Good question….I think I still have a bit of an irrational fear that she won’t hear it as it is intended and will instead shut down. When my parents divorced, my dad was extremely mean towards my mom and I felt overly responsible to protect her….I know that sounds weird coming from an over 50 year old woman….but I still have that first instinct to protect her even when the conversation would benefit me. I understand, but the way I see it, it's codependent to dance around her trying to avoid her withdrawal, because it's about her, and her own emotional unavailability. I think we all have been in toxic and codependent relationships with our parents. Being able to maintain your center while speaking your truth is crucial to emotional security. I know you don't wish to impinge on her wellbeing for the trip but neither should she be allowed to impinge yours. If it she can't handle such a simple, even helpful statement (I see no judgement or toxicity in it) then maybe withdrawing would be great, she can March in her one-woman parade, Over There. At some point we need to stop carrying our dysfunctional parents and let them be, without taking it all on. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2023 13:58:30 GMT
Also, there is a chance that she would appreciate direct communication. There is a huge difference in how much caretaking DA do and expect in communication. For me the mental/emotional gymnastics can be tiring. There is such a thing as tact, but walking on eggshells is different.
Relaying a consistent message that you have matured and are willing and able to collaborate for an enjoyable experience is healthy. If she needs you to remain in a child space to serve as the other part of a dysfunctional dynamic she is comfortable with, that's not fair to you. I don't know your mom so maybe none of this applies, just throwing that out there.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 19, 2023 1:43:03 GMT
Thank you introvert…this is helpful. I thought about it earlier today and it does makes sense to stop walking on eggshells with her…because, to your point…it keeps us from being equals and finding a middle ground. I will plan to have that conversation in person so that we have an opportunity to see the facial and body reactions and I will practice with my therapist next week.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2023 1:51:20 GMT
Thank you introvert…this is helpful. I thought about it earlier today and it does makes sense to stop walking on eggshells with her…because, to your point…it keeps us from being equals and finding a middle ground. I will plan to have that conversation in person so that we have an opportunity to see the facial and body reactions and I will practice with my therapist next week. Good for you! I crossed into adult with my mom before she passed and it was liberating |
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