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Post by Themimms on Jun 20, 2023 21:32:33 GMT
So my partner (FA) has started with a new thing. About 1,5 years into the relationship he's started to pinpoint things I do all the time, and finds a ton of errors. I've noticed, that it's especially whenever I don't understand something he thinks I should. If he says something that I find confusing and I ask for clarification by saying e.g. that I don't get what he means and if he could explain it more, or if I ask a follow up question. Then he lashes out at how I don't understand when it's so clear
Another example is he's very busy/tired/stressed and one day e.g. he mentioned we could take a walk the next day instead of chilling at home. Then the next day I suggested that walk and he lashed out because I should have understood he actually didn't have energy for a walk and it was just something he said to make me happy, so hence it was wrong of me to bring the suggestion up
So basically he's angry if I don't understand him because he's so clear according to him, at the same time he "lies" which is the opposite of being clear to me so it's a catch 22.
Similar things have happened many times now and I've started walking on eggshells around him since he tends to find fault with everything when I can't read him or when I ask questions so that I can.
We always used to have an open/understanding communication so Idk if it's the honeymoon period being over so he's showing himself more or if it's stress or so.
Anyone recognizes this/has any tips how to approach it? Is it a deactivation?
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Post by cherrycola on Jun 21, 2023 0:32:58 GMT
Deactivation or not. Attachment or not you don't deserve someone being hyper critical of you and angry for no reason.
It's also pretty messed up to lie to you and then turn around and get upset when you take it at face value.
How do you react when he acts like this?
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 21, 2023 2:25:42 GMT
So my partner (FA) has started with a new thing. About 1,5 years into the relationship he's started to pinpoint things I do all the time, and finds a ton of errors. I've noticed, that it's especially whenever I don't understand something he thinks I should. If he says something that I find confusing and I ask for clarification by saying e.g. that I don't get what he means and if he could explain it more, or if I ask a follow up question. Then he lashes out at how I don't understand when it's so clear Another example is he's very busy/tired/stressed and one day e.g. he mentioned we could take a walk the next day instead of chilling at home. Then the next day I suggested that walk and he lashed out because I should have understood he actually didn't have energy for a walk and it was just something he said to make me happy, so hence it was wrong of me to bring the suggestion up So basically he's angry if I don't understand him because he's so clear according to him, at the same time he "lies" which is the opposite of being clear to me so it's a catch 22. Similar things have happened many times now and I've started walking on eggshells around him since he tends to find fault with everything when I can't read him or when I ask questions so that I can. We always used to have an open/understanding communication so Idk if it's the honeymoon period being over so he's showing himself more or if it's stress or so. Anyone recognizes this/has any tips how to approach it? Is it a deactivation? Hmmmmmm…..this sounds a bit more than attachment issues going on…..especially if he is lying. I dated someone with narcissistic personality disorder and I ended up feeling like I was walking on eggshells every single day. I am not suggesting your boyfriend is a narcissist, but if he cannot speak kindly to you and is lying…then perhaps it is time to end the relationship. |
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Post by introvert on Jun 21, 2023 3:38:07 GMT
So my partner (FA) has started with a new thing. About 1,5 years into the relationship he's started to pinpoint things I do all the time, and finds a ton of errors. I've noticed, that it's especially whenever I don't understand something he thinks I should. If he says something that I find confusing and I ask for clarification by saying e.g. that I don't get what he means and if he could explain it more, or if I ask a follow up question. Then he lashes out at how I don't understand when it's so clear Another example is he's very busy/tired/stressed and one day e.g. he mentioned we could take a walk the next day instead of chilling at home. Then the next day I suggested that walk and he lashed out because I should have understood he actually didn't have energy for a walk and it was just something he said to make me happy, so hence it was wrong of me to bring the suggestion up So basically he's angry if I don't understand him because he's so clear according to him, at the same time he "lies" which is the opposite of being clear to me so it's a catch 22. Similar things have happened many times now and I've started walking on eggshells around him since he tends to find fault with everything when I can't read him or when I ask questions so that I can. We always used to have an open/understanding communication so Idk if it's the honeymoon period being over so he's showing himself more or if it's stress or so. Anyone recognizes this/has any tips how to approach it? Is it a deactivation? Looking at your posting history. This must be the same guy you posted about this time last year, then. His behavior was disgusting then, too... so what do you mean by asking if this is about the honeymoon being over? Or if it's a deactivation? In your posts over the last 1.5 years approximately on this forum you've posted about absolute crap behavior, it's nothing new. My opinion is you should be concerned about your own attachment style, having chosen to stay with this guy that has really been awful to you. |
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Post by Themimms on Jun 21, 2023 11:56:55 GMT
So my partner (FA) has started with a new thing. About 1,5 years into the relationship he's started to pinpoint things I do all the time, and finds a ton of errors. I've noticed, that it's especially whenever I don't understand something he thinks I should. If he says something that I find confusing and I ask for clarification by saying e.g. that I don't get what he means and if he could explain it more, or if I ask a follow up question. Then he lashes out at how I don't understand when it's so clear Another example is he's very busy/tired/stressed and one day e.g. he mentioned we could take a walk the next day instead of chilling at home. Then the next day I suggested that walk and he lashed out because I should have understood he actually didn't have energy for a walk and it was just something he said to make me happy, so hence it was wrong of me to bring the suggestion up So basically he's angry if I don't understand him because he's so clear according to him, at the same time he "lies" which is the opposite of being clear to me so it's a catch 22. Similar things have happened many times now and I've started walking on eggshells around him since he tends to find fault with everything when I can't read him or when I ask questions so that I can. We always used to have an open/understanding communication so Idk if it's the honeymoon period being over so he's showing himself more or if it's stress or so. Anyone recognizes this/has any tips how to approach it? Is it a deactivation? Looking at your posting history. This must be the same guy you posted about this time last year, then. His behavior was disgusting then, too... so what do you mean by asking if this is about the honeymoon being over? Or if it's a deactivation? In your posts over the last 1.5 years approximately on this forum you've posted about absolute crap behavior, it's nothing new. My opinion is you should be concerned about your own attachment style, having chosen to stay with this guy that has really been awful to you. It's the same guy. Strangely enough he did turn around and was an ideal partner for about a year. |
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Post by introvert on Jun 21, 2023 15:13:18 GMT
Looking at your posting history. This must be the same guy you posted about this time last year, then. His behavior was disgusting then, too... so what do you mean by asking if this is about the honeymoon being over? Or if it's a deactivation? In your posts over the last 1.5 years approximately on this forum you've posted about absolute crap behavior, it's nothing new. My opinion is you should be concerned about your own attachment style, having chosen to stay with this guy that has really been awful to you. It's the same guy. Strangely enough he did turn around and was an ideal partner for about a year. Don't tippytoe around an a$$hole, develop some boundaries about how you allow him to speak and interact with you. Whatever the cause of his behavior, it's not your problem unless you are as unhealthy as he is. If you enable it by walking on eggshells you are part of the problem. There's no right way to stay engaged and in a relationship with someone who is hateful and disrespectful, absolutely no right way. |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 21, 2023 16:37:06 GMT
You're putting too much stock in him being FA as the key to the relationship here. Instead, you should be looking at the bigger picture: he's inconsistent overall, even if you have stretches of good times, and you're often feeling whiplash and demeaned. You've tried to break up with him before, or almost broken up, or gotten back together, unclear, but there's something like that in your post history. He's 10 years older than you, still not ready to fully commit to be a good partner, and has he gotten any therapy or worked on his issues? I'd asked you that a year ago, and from what you're saying, my guess is the answer is either no or not enough.
Attachment theory helps understand why relationships aren't working harmoniously, and how to understand yourself and why you may be choosing partners who are bad for you so you can heal and improve your own side of relationships. It doesn't provide you with information to fix a partner, though it can provide you with information about when to confidently walk away. You have no reason to believe after a year and a half that there's anything more than "potential" here or he wouldn't have regressed again after this amount of time. Be honest with yourself about how much isn't working for you here, because love isn't always enough, and nothing about this sounds healthy at this point for a long-term partnership. No partner should be lashing out at you and taking anger out on you.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 21, 2023 18:17:39 GMT
You have a carrot/stick scenario where you have seen a better side of him and are looking at the potential (carrot) versus the reality (stick). Individuals who have attachment wounding that triggers anxious reactions tend to look for explanations for their partner’s behavior rather than assessing whether how their partner is treating them is a reason to end the relationship. Honestly….it is much better to be single and happy versus in a relationship and walking on eggshells and living on hope.
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Post by mrob on Jun 21, 2023 21:50:20 GMT
Is there something else going on? To be a model partner, then suddenly not, I’d have to ask what’s changed? If you can’t see what’s changed in your relationship, what has changed with him?
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Post by sunrisequest on Jun 21, 2023 23:41:38 GMT
It does sound like something is going in with him if he's suddenly changed. If you know he's been able to communicate with the right conditions in the past, perhaps it's worth trying to communicate openly with him now and try and figure out what's happening with him?
Maybe a ton of validation first, presume the best case scenario, which is that he does care about you, and see if he's willing to be open about what's going on?
I think the worst thing you can do in these situations is start walking on eggshells and worry about what is going to set him off - you start abandoning yourself in this process, and it can induce some real anxiety for you. It also sets up a situation where you're enabling certain behaviours to continue. So maybe even taking some space for yourself in this time to really think about what it is you want and need, set a standard of treatment that you're willing to accept... and gently ask him for it. If he can't give it to you, even when you're calmly and considerately asking for what you need, then the way forwards is clearer.
You do deserve respectful treatment, which we all do. Sometimes people aren't aware of what they're doing in a dynamic and it needs to be pointed out, but generally that works best if you do it in a constructive, healthy way that has a chance of being heard.
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