Extreme mixed messages

I wouldn't assume she's mad at you, or that this has anything to do with you at all. Insecures, especially FA, have a lot of difficulty with direct communication and any vulnerability, hence mixed messaging and only communicating with you safely from a distance. She's overwhelmed by her emotions and has no organized strategies to sort through her feelings and get her needs met (FA is also called disorganized attachment). This can get worse in times of great stress -- ie grieving -- especially since insecures of all types get stuck and tend to not fully emotionally process big emotions, or process them very, very slowly. Often, for FA, that can mean freezing to an extent and simply reacting to any emotions and stimulus they encounter as it comes up (or subconsciously avoiding it altogether to make it out of sight out of mind for a while and disassociate until their nervous systems are less overwhelmed and they can begin to process.. one way to do this might be temporary blocking), as well as making decisions out of a fear- and shame-based mindset.

What you need to think about is the bigger picture in regards to if this relationship actually works for you. Yes, grieving is a big deal and I'm not suggesting you be callous or disrespectful about this. But you've only been with this person 3 months and she's already spent half of it distancing from you. She's someone who turns away from you in tough times instead of towards you. Is that the relationship you're really looking for? If this is not working for you, you can support her in her grief if you want to be her friend, but you can't manage her emotions or her fears for her. Even if you're steady and available without any expectation of her, she may still remain closed off because it has to do with her and wherever she's at in her life stage right now, not with you.

When I've dated FA, sometimes they'd come around to finally talk weeks and weeks later (usually to demote the relationship to friendship without ever telling me anything was wrong before they withdrew... I've been told by more than one they can't explain why they withdrew but their logic was to assume it must mean they didn't feel about me the way they believed they should or wanted to feel, or they'd have acted differently. Even if in the same conversation they mentioned they had a pattern of doing this and didn't understand themselves, and even if they came back later to reconcile). And sometimes, usually in earlier dating of a few weeks where things haven't had time to develop seriously yet, they'd say we should talk but never come back to have the conversation at all, and I needed to find my own closure without speaking to them about it.

This isn't something that's done intentionally. But it is something that will be part of a repeating pattern that will build a push-pull dynamic if you're trying to date an FA who isn't actively aware of and independently doing anything to start addressing their issues prior to entering the relationship. You need to decide if that's the dynamic you want, because the communication issues mean there will certainly be times when important decisions are going to be made without discussion or consulting you at all, even under less dire circumstances. It's just something that happens when someone can't trust themselves, can't trust others, and is disconnected from their needs. It can be a tough mindset to understand if you've got a different attachment style and the mindset seems very foreign to you. But the takeaway is you likely have different needs around space, connection, and communication, and you can't change how she wants to approach any of those things. You can only decide if you're compatible together taking into account things as they are.

I am sorry for her loss. Grieving is always difficult, whether there's attachment issues compounding it or not. I don't think that's the only reason for her distance and assume you'd see this come up again and again over time, since her distancing already had come up in your post prior to this loss, but I'd believe that she believes it when she says to you it's just the bereavement.

I am FA.  The one thing that stands out to me is your dismissal of what she tells you….she is the best one to explain what is going on and yet you say…”she claims”.  If you distrust her and need to create your own stories around her actions…..this is a doomed relationship.  It does not sound at all like you are demonstrating secure behaviors but rather anxious ones.  Attachment wounding takes years…literally years to process through.  I agree with Alexandra, this does not sound like a good fit for either of you.