Post by KAI on Jun 29, 2023 14:46:21 GMT
Hello dear community,
i'm back on the boards, been lurking a bit for the past weeks here to read about other stories that teached me, as this board always did about my own path.
It's been a while since i have not published anything, because after the 2 stories that brought me here in the first place, about 3 years ago, i took a little time to get back to myself and could keep single for 5 months (writing that makes me smile, because it's really not much, lol but that's what i could achieve) before meeting the person i'm now in a kind of situationship or limbo or i don't know exactly what that is.
It's been a while since i have not published anything, because after the 2 stories that brought me here in the first place, about 3 years ago, i took a little time to get back to myself and could keep single for 5 months (writing that makes me smile, because it's really not much, lol but that's what i could achieve) before meeting the person i'm now in a kind of situationship or limbo or i don't know exactly what that is.
This went on for 1 year and a half, but the last 6 months were quite the ride. Hello emotional rollercoaster.
That 1 st year was really paradise (i am now realising i deemed it as paradise according to my AP ideal of what my instincts are telling me an ideal r-ship should be = super fusional, which turned out to not be such a good idea). But anyway, we were clicking, having so much fun, amazing sex, consistent person, very reliable, super present.
To better locate the story, i will say that they are (again) much younger, and we are both queer non-binary persons, so i will use the "they" pronouns for that person, and he/they. Also for me. This is also a long distance relationship, i am from Europe, they are leaving in a neighbour country, and came originally from south america to study art there. We are both artists.
So whereas in the 1 st year, there were some "crises" mainly related to the status of open r-ship we agreed on in the 1St few months. It was more coming from them i would say, but i was very interested to try that, if it meant working on good communication, and setting a r-ship that would rely on emotional intelligence. So theoretically, we were non-monogamous, but in the reality of things, they were having jealousy fit sometimes, most of the times unfounded, if, for instance i was talking to somebody a little too long or having a little too much fun, even in a friendly way with somebody at en event. When it happened that in fact i was really feeling a little spark with somebody aside from them, they were acting in a such way, that i wouldn't pursue the thing. So in fact, nothing ever happened on my side.
After one year, we decided for a long trip to their country of origins, and i pleaded for them to wait for me just one week so that we could fly there together. They mentionned they were bothered with that, so i didn't insist so much, but they finally accepted.
To better locate the story, i will say that they are (again) much younger, and we are both queer non-binary persons, so i will use the "they" pronouns for that person, and he/they. Also for me. This is also a long distance relationship, i am from Europe, they are leaving in a neighbour country, and came originally from south america to study art there. We are both artists.
So whereas in the 1 st year, there were some "crises" mainly related to the status of open r-ship we agreed on in the 1St few months. It was more coming from them i would say, but i was very interested to try that, if it meant working on good communication, and setting a r-ship that would rely on emotional intelligence. So theoretically, we were non-monogamous, but in the reality of things, they were having jealousy fit sometimes, most of the times unfounded, if, for instance i was talking to somebody a little too long or having a little too much fun, even in a friendly way with somebody at en event. When it happened that in fact i was really feeling a little spark with somebody aside from them, they were acting in a such way, that i wouldn't pursue the thing. So in fact, nothing ever happened on my side.
After one year, we decided for a long trip to their country of origins, and i pleaded for them to wait for me just one week so that we could fly there together. They mentionned they were bothered with that, so i didn't insist so much, but they finally accepted.
That's were the problems started. Prior to that, i had began to try and put a little more boundaries to the presence we were having in each other's life because i was feeling it was not that healthy. They reacted quite badly to that. So i don't know if it's the visit to the parents and the country of origins, me trying to put some boundaries, or them resenting me for advocating to be leaving one week after what they first planned, but after that, we entered a spiralling loop that brought us from a very intimate and super close r-ship to something super blurry that i don't even know how to call so much.
To sum-up, from this moment, they've been rocking the boat hard. I will not list all because it's a lot of details and small events that pile up but it looks a lot like them pushing me away, or creating drama out of the blue, then coming back strong. Hot/cold waves that leave me emotionnaly tired.
As an AP or leaning AP person i lived off those coming back strong moments for a while, but those intensified suddenly at the approach of a very stressful event that's coming this summer for them + trying to get a visa in the country they are now lving in. To the point that they turned completely horrible to me, broke it off, to then say "it's just a break" a few hours later.
After that, i left some time pass, like 10 days, and proposed to meet to talk about what/how we wanted to do with this r-ship. They accepted and thanked me for proposing. But when i arrived, they always had something else to do. I managed to get 2,5 hours of talking before they stopped to say it was overwhelming. Then it was another round of patience from me to wait for another moment that they were "free" to talk (againd having always other fishes to fry). In the first 2 days, they proposed to have sex twice though which i found super weird and didn't went for as i like to feel safe and emotionnaly connected to do that.
After that, i left some time pass, like 10 days, and proposed to meet to talk about what/how we wanted to do with this r-ship. They accepted and thanked me for proposing. But when i arrived, they always had something else to do. I managed to get 2,5 hours of talking before they stopped to say it was overwhelming. Then it was another round of patience from me to wait for another moment that they were "free" to talk (againd having always other fishes to fry). In the first 2 days, they proposed to have sex twice though which i found super weird and didn't went for as i like to feel safe and emotionnaly connected to do that.
Anyway, we managed to get another moment to talk (but i had to call them out on their reluctance to finish the talk to get there)
We managed to have a nice talk, on the last night i was in their city, had sex, and i was hoping for the best.
We managed to have a nice talk, on the last night i was in their city, had sex, and i was hoping for the best.
But since then, they feel a bit out. The communication is reduced to the bare minimum (long distance), they are quite distant and when i came back to their city to work with them on something last week, i tried to be more light/fun, and it was nice in many areas, but still, i feel them out. Sometimes i can catch a glimpse of the caring person i fell in love with, but it's far.
Also, they are super nitpicky and ready to jump at my throat every time i do or say something they don't like. Whether its related to the r-ship or has nothing to do. They don't apologise. I started to cry a lot, because of them attacking me on many levels, and they then told me that i should learn to cry less, because they said it felt like emotional blackmail, and that because of that they couldn't address the problems, so it was manipulative. Well ...
Now we are apart again, for 3 weeks, and the night before we left, they managed to avoid me in a party, making us to not really spend that time together.
As for me, i think i am managing rather ok considering. I have a lot of friends that are quite impressed by the way i evolved in my staying quite composed facing this compared to other stories i was having a really hard time before. I'm feeling a bit at the end of my rope though, so i have decided to take longer breaks, and to not pursue (or maybe to even be more radical and break it up) if the situation doesnt' come back in a more respectful and loving way of interacting. I have fixed the next period that we are going to meet (in 3 weeks) as a way of testing the waters, and i know that after that i'm not supposed to go in their town for a few months, so if it's not better next time, i will not force it to come and visit.
Unfortunately, it doesn't look good. Their way of communicating is so shallow that everytime i'm like "really ? are we chit-chatting about the weather after 1.5 year of intimacy, now ?, and they feel like a stranger) I am already grieving in fact. They still said that they considered me as their partner, and i had some i love yous the last week i was there, but something feels off. They might also be super stressed with their situation, but i'm not in their life to serve as an emotional punching ball, so i withdrew a lot. It's a bit of a fight for me, as an AP, as my instincts tell me to connect, but i'm not ready to do all the job to keep the link anymore. Maybe i don't have the courage to break it up now although i have plenty of elements that feel not ok or unhealthy, but i still need to have this last trial in the summer.
Also, they are super nitpicky and ready to jump at my throat every time i do or say something they don't like. Whether its related to the r-ship or has nothing to do. They don't apologise. I started to cry a lot, because of them attacking me on many levels, and they then told me that i should learn to cry less, because they said it felt like emotional blackmail, and that because of that they couldn't address the problems, so it was manipulative. Well ...
Now we are apart again, for 3 weeks, and the night before we left, they managed to avoid me in a party, making us to not really spend that time together.
As for me, i think i am managing rather ok considering. I have a lot of friends that are quite impressed by the way i evolved in my staying quite composed facing this compared to other stories i was having a really hard time before. I'm feeling a bit at the end of my rope though, so i have decided to take longer breaks, and to not pursue (or maybe to even be more radical and break it up) if the situation doesnt' come back in a more respectful and loving way of interacting. I have fixed the next period that we are going to meet (in 3 weeks) as a way of testing the waters, and i know that after that i'm not supposed to go in their town for a few months, so if it's not better next time, i will not force it to come and visit.
Unfortunately, it doesn't look good. Their way of communicating is so shallow that everytime i'm like "really ? are we chit-chatting about the weather after 1.5 year of intimacy, now ?, and they feel like a stranger) I am already grieving in fact. They still said that they considered me as their partner, and i had some i love yous the last week i was there, but something feels off. They might also be super stressed with their situation, but i'm not in their life to serve as an emotional punching ball, so i withdrew a lot. It's a bit of a fight for me, as an AP, as my instincts tell me to connect, but i'm not ready to do all the job to keep the link anymore. Maybe i don't have the courage to break it up now although i have plenty of elements that feel not ok or unhealthy, but i still need to have this last trial in the summer.
They seem pretty FA to me (anxious leaning in the beggining. The chasing and lovebombing were insane, and now they seem to have turned avoidant, they also seem to have deactivated, but maybe not enough to break it up on their own, or they are waiting for me to do so, testing my limits anyway. I suspect that's what happened in their previous (and only serious r-ship before me). Maybe they still think it could work. That's what they say, but they don't really give me much to work on. I once tried to tell them : "do you know about attachment theory ?" they said "what ?" me = "attachment theory" them = "hmm, it's too complicated". Lol. And then they fell asleep.
So anyway, here i am, feeling a bit sad and lonely, but i also swore when i started to see them one year and a half ago, that when/if things would go south, i wouldn't stay too much sulking and ruminatign and would quickly go back to me and my stuff. So i'll try to honor it.
If you have any insight on what i wrote thoug, please let me know.
