KAI
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by KAI on Jul 7, 2023 11:31:56 GMT
I can completely see how it felt fair to stop dating because at the time they weren't and then it feels like a kick to the ribs when they finally find someone they are interested in. It's kinda like hey you changed the dynamic on me! It's a very important lesson for us people pleasers to really examine our actions and only do things because we 100% want to do. So if we want to stop dating other people but no conversation occurs to confirm that is the new status quo then when (not if) they start to date again, we can't really say "I stopped dating for you" even if we did because we were giving into their emotional immaturity. Because in that situation, it turns into, I stopped dating because I lack boundaries and wanted to "make you happy" or "make things smoother" between us and instead of having a hard conversation or maybe even having to leave this dynamic I crossed my own boundaries. Yes, this is one thing, but it's also that this person is their co-worker, that it will lead them to spend a lot of time together on tour/being in constant contact. That my ex expressed it would be awkward for me to be hanging there with them this summer, as they had those feelings of "being touched" (even though, according to my ex"nothing happened"). So this situation is not any random person that they would be attracted to in a party, and meet from time to time. It cannot not have deep consequences on our r-ship. And that's where this is too big for me. And that's where i have to put my limit (and this is not to mention the other abuse that i let to happen and to grow during the relationship. This is also my responsibilty to address, but i'm dealing with it now. Taking actions and decisions)
Now, yes to go back to the deeper debate about ENM, for sure it"is harder in many ways, and more complex than being monogamous, it's a lot of compromises and self reflection to make it work, that was my take, and that's where i felt attracted in trying. It's maybe that fantasy of "it demands so much trust to .. I think i am ready to do that work, but i'm facing somebody that is not, and that seems to be more using it as a way of escaping or numbing their feelings.
Anyway, right now i just feel that i cannot really judge how i could handle it with somebody else as their move was to immediately jump to the most problematic person they could choose to make it possible that we can keep being partners (also because i tried to address them being attracted to that person one year ago and they always denied. Also denying the validity of my reading of the signs that were there).
So i'm going out of this experience with more cautiousness than i had maybe, regarding ENM but still not sure i will never try again.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 7, 2023 13:14:42 GMT
I can completely see how it felt fair to stop dating because at the time they weren't and then it feels like a kick to the ribs when they finally find someone they are interested in. It's kinda like hey you changed the dynamic on me! It's a very important lesson for us people pleasers to really examine our actions and only do things because we 100% want to do. So if we want to stop dating other people but no conversation occurs to confirm that is the new status quo then when (not if) they start to date again, we can't really say "I stopped dating for you" even if we did because we were giving into their emotional immaturity. Because in that situation, it turns into, I stopped dating because I lack boundaries and wanted to "make you happy" or "make things smoother" between us and instead of having a hard conversation or maybe even having to leave this dynamic I crossed my own boundaries. Yes, this is one thing, but it's also that this person is their co-worker, that it will lead them to spend a lot of time together on tour/being in constant contact. That my ex expressed it would be awkward for me to be hanging there with them this summer, as they had those feelings of "being touched" (even though, according to my ex"nothing happened"). So this situation is not any random person that they would be attracted to in a party, and meet from time to time. It cannot not have deep consequences on our r-ship. And that's where this is too big for me. And that's where i have to put my limit (and this is not to mention the other abuse that i let to happen and to grow during the relationship. This is also my responsibilty to address, but i'm dealing with it now. Taking actions and decisions)
Now, yes to go back to the deeper debate about ENM, for sure it"is harder in many ways, and more complex than being monogamous, it's a lot of compromises and self reflection to make it work, that was my take, and that's where i felt attracted in trying. It's maybe that fantasy of "it demands so much trust to .. I think i am ready to do that work, but i'm facing somebody that is not, and that seems to be more using it as a way of escaping or numbing their feelings.
Anyway, right now i just feel that i cannot really judge how i could handle it with somebody else as their move was to immediately jump to the most problematic person they could choose to make it possible that we can keep being partners (also because i tried to address them being attracted to that person one year ago and they always denied. Also denying the validity of my reading of the signs that were there).
So i'm going out of this experience with more cautiousness than i had maybe, regarding ENM but still not sure i will never try again.
Could you take some time to journal what you have learned from this experience about yourself and your needs. Take the other people out of the equation….what is it that has become clearer for you moving forward. Writing it down will get it out of your head but will also give you a blueprint going forward. Refer back to it before you engage in the next partnership to ensure you are not backsliding or numbing but honoring what KAI needs.Boundaries get stronger as you practice using them.🙂 |
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KAI
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by KAI on Jul 7, 2023 16:09:23 GMT
i think it's a great idea, and i'm already happy that i have my posts here and you guys' feedbacks to go back to.
I think i will try and do that, yes
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Post by mrob on Jul 7, 2023 18:40:13 GMT
Non monogamy is just plain hard. The points brought up here are so interesting.
Initially, my thoughts were that, well, my plumbing isn’t particularly reliable, so it took the pressure off me, but really what was going on was that it put distance between us, which suits an FA. There was always the chance they were going to pick up with someone better than me, which kept me a little anxious. Truth was that it was a total mess in my head, and I was devastated when I had to share the premium time we had with someone else. Just another way of go away, come back, but sanctioned within a relationship. Some people may be able to do it, but most trip on the same bumps described here.
If you’d asked me 12 months ago, I wouldn’t have thought this way. I know I just don’t want that in my life now, and to me, that’s progress.
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 7, 2023 21:42:08 GMT
I've been doing various forms of ENM since I was about 20, with bouts of monogamy too. (I'm in my early 50's now.) I've read every book, discussed things on forums, had poly-friendly therapists. In theory, I get it. There shouldn't just be one way to do r'ships. But poly triggers the heck out of me at this point, I'm done.
These days I describe myself as monogam-ish, meaning I like the idea of a little freedom for sexual adventure, but I do NOT want to have, or have my partner have, multiple r'ships. I admit I panic a little at the thought of only ever having sex with one person for the rest of my life, but at this point, if the sex is good and plentiful I'm willing to try. Watching your partner leave you to go give their romantic sexual energy to someone else is the worst. Half a partner (which, let's face it, is what you get if your partner is toggling between you and others) isn't better than no partner at all.
For me, the reason I've been in open r'ships were 1) I was young, stupid, bisexual, and everyone was doing it. 2) I was dissatisfied or not "both feet in" in the r'ship. Poly was a soft exit, if you will. 3) The other person/s wanted it and I caved.
The times it worked? Well, once in my early 20's I was in a threesome r'ship that formed naturally, we all met at the same time and started hooking up individually and together. It was great for about a year, until they fell in love with each other and I was left out. Then once, I had a boyfriend who was bi and he started hooking up with one of my gay besties with my blessing. I think I was ok with it because I didn't see that boyfriend as my forever partner, he wasn't about to leave me for a man (he would have sex with men but not fall in love with them) plus I trusted my friend not to try to steal my guy.
I was also ok with it when I was struggling in my marriage, and a beautiful poly woman started hitting on me. I put the nail in my marriage's coffin with that one. She was only around for 5 months, but I never went back, really, to my husband. I had other partners outside of the marriage, DADT style, until I left him entirely.
I'm finally realizing after this last episode where my live-in partner and I were supposed to be doing casual ENM, and instead he got a second girlfriend who was local and single, that I'm done with poly for sure, and verrry leery of ENM. It still hurts to think about how he treated me when they were starting up for the second time, and it felt like I was just the ol' ball and chain while she was the fun, exciting new toy. Never again. And truth is, for me, when I'm REALLY into someone, no one else will do.
I know there are people out there for whom this works long-term. I don't know if they're super-secure, or totally FA, or just settling or genuinely happy, who knows? But for this AP, it's honestly proved more toxic than fun.
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KAI
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by KAI on Jul 8, 2023 7:16:02 GMT
Wow, i'm so happy this thread turned into something much broader and interesting than my original post ! Maybe i should rename it !?
Thanks lovebunny for sharing your long experience of ENM .
I have the impression that this way of relating can only last for a limited amount of time. Limited in the relationships themselves (short-lived), and in your lifetime..
I always had in the back of my mind that adding one or several element to the mix would most certainly bring more chaos. Which is maybe what can attract FA people as they have this reputation of thriving in chaos. My ex told me time and time again that they didn't believe in monogamy. That of course you would cross with people that would catch your eye. I'm quite this person, i can be seduced, and be in this seductive mood but i 'm also very loyal. And i would try to do it in a respectful way. But maybe you are right, lovebunny , and it's hurtful anyway unless you're not really in love
I was curious to try for several reasons and still cannot say that we really did. What happened/is happening with their co worker is more happening imo as a deactivating strategy on their part (btw, they contacted me again yesterday to say it felt weird for them that we were not communicating -OMG-, that they loved me and deeply cared, and were thinking about me. ).
Regarding this question of ENM, i might appear stubborn, but i'm still a little but curious. I know that this is not a lasting thing to do, and maybe i'm saying that because i just broke up and i'm not in a mood of dating somebody "seriously".
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Post by mrob on Jul 9, 2023 12:22:03 GMT
I had to do it until it was done. Ike most things in my life, seemingly, lol.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2023 13:46:09 GMT
Here's an unpopular take. It seems that modern discussions of sexual behavior focus on some kind of liberation. However, what I see when I read the forms of polyamory described here, is bondage to greed, lust, and selfish desires. I've not read a healthy, heartwarming account. It seems about soothing ones own wounds, or satisfying physical desires, or having one's cake and eating it too. I don't think it's totally out of bounds to be critical of these arrangements as deeply self centered, on both sides. It does indeed seem to be a damaging approach to getting ones needs met. The underlying causes for such behavior may be worthy of empathy, because it all comes from some kind of lack and pain... but I don't think it's unfair to identify actual negative mindsets and behaviors. I am not one to embrace everything that comes along, nor do I subscribe to the motto "If it feels good, do it." I agree that it looks like a bunch of insecure, unenlightened behaviors sanctioned by the partners not because of some sort of transcendent view of relationships, but because of a need for deep introspection and personal evolution.
That's not to say important lessons can't be learned from it. I'm just pointing out that poly as described on this board looks exactly like insecure acting out, and I view it as such. "Secure" poly may be another thing entirely, I've not witnessed it and can't form an opinion. And all that said, my opinion is just that, an opinion. If it offends or triggers, that isn't the intent. I grew by identifying negative mindsets and behaviors in myself. I've been driven by my own lust and greed and self centered use of other individuals to satisfy my own internal insecure drives. I come from a place of just being candid about what I see.
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