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Post by lovebunny on Jul 6, 2023 15:17:14 GMT
I recommend Crazy For You: Breaking the Spell of Love and Sex Addiction by Kerry Cohen
I'm on my 3rd read of this book. The author, a psychologist who battled her own love addiction/anxious attachment offers a very comprehensive and compassionate look at whatever it is that plagues me, whether you call it being high on the anxious-ambivalent-attachment spectrum or flat-out love addiction. She's very inclusive of LGBTQ and POC, and aware of how being part of a marginalized group can compound relationship issues.
Her approach is the most compassionate I've seen, acknowledging how factors personal, physiological and societal create love addiction. She takes a little from the 12-step approach, but much more from the harm reduction approach. It's maybe only the 2nd time I've seen someone acknowledge that it's ok if you don't want to, or can't, stop dating--something I've never been able to do for more than a few weeks at a time while single. You can still work on yourself and dating smarter.
I've been thinking about people who say, "Oh, I'm not really looking, but if it happens, great," or "I just want to start of as friends, then if something else happens, cool," or even crazier, "I don't want to be in a relationship." I'm just amazed that there are people out there who don't need or care about romantic love. It's so different from what I experience, feels so different in my body when I consciously put myself in their shoes.
Anyway, lots of great advice in the book, nothing y'all don't know about (reparenting, meditation, behavior modification, addressing chemical imbalances) but well put together and, like a said, I just feel "seen" by this book above most others on the topic.
On a personal note, it's 6 months since my breakup with an FA. I am mostly better than during the first 5 months, my nervous system more stable, but I do still cry about him sometimes. I'm still NC, the other day I passed him on the street while I was biking and just tucked my head under my cap and pretended not to see. Then yesterday the idiot butt-dailed me and left a 3 minute recording of what sounded like him paddleboarding--yeah, maybe time to just get back the few things I still want from his place (I just have no frigging place to put them) and block the fool.
I'm in the process of ending or transitioning to platonic with the poly/married dude I've been seeing since before the end of that (open) r'ship. The guy has been consistent, caring and a good part of my support system throughout the breakup, not to mention a source of sex/touch/fun and validation at a time when I was feeling lonely and touch-starved. But I've started making some connections that have more potential for something closer to the relationship I actually WANT, and I feel like it's wiser of me to turn my energies towards them. For some reason, the space this opens up seems to be triggering me to miss my exFA? Go figure.
The people I'm dating/talking to right now aren't anybody I'm gaga about, but they're nice, they aren't interested in poly, they say they're available for long term relationships. Mostly I've been out a few times with this one guy who is a sweetie, smells delicious, and we definitely have "chemistry." I'm not sure we have enough in common to ultimately sustain us long term. Also talking to a woman who seems smart and funny, we will meet next week when she's back from vacation.
I'm trying to find things to focus on that aren't about finding a partner or reading and journaling about my attachment disorder. Summer is slow season for us islanders, so there's less work and less going on around town. Friends who can afford to leave, leave. I'm having no luck turning my concentration towards writing or working more. I'm planning a trip back "home" that isn't quite a vacation, more of a family obligation with a couple of sidetrips to visit friends thrown in. Unfortunately it's eating up any summer travel budget.
In short, things aren't horrible, they're not great. I'm kind of blah. I've been overeating, which was fine for a bit I needed to put some weight on after the breakup, but now I should cut that out. I come on here and read everyday, sometimes more than once, so thank you all for being here.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 7, 2023 1:06:15 GMT
I've been thinking about people who say, "Oh, I'm not really looking, but if it happens, great," or "I just want to start of as friends, then if something else happens, cool," or even crazier, "I don't want to be in a relationship." I'm just amazed that there are people out there who don't need or care about romantic love. It's so different from what I experience, feels so different in my body when I consciously put myself in their shoes.
This is actually me right now…..I have a job I am good at, I have a hobby that keeps me out and about, I have an FA cat who keeps me entertained and I have great friends to spend time with.I am actually good on my own right now and I am not seeking out a partner. Perhaps it will happen, perhaps it won’t…but being ok without a partner is soooo freeing for me.
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 7, 2023 12:08:32 GMT
tnr9, that's fantastic! How do you get enough human touch? When I'm not in a r'ship I also really miss things like deep eye contact and TMI but I really don't like going without sex for long if I can help it. I have one friend who is single and chill about it, and she is a HUGGER, like when you say hi and bye to her, expect to be held in a loooong embrace. For her, it's enough. Love the "FA cat" too funny! Sadly, I'm not allowed pets where I rent.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 7, 2023 13:05:33 GMT
tnr9 , that's fantastic! How do you get enough human touch? When I'm not in a r'ship I also really miss things like deep eye contact and TMI but I really don't like going without sex for long if I can help it. I have one friend who is single and chill about it, and she is a HUGGER, like when you say hi and bye to her, expect to be held in a loooong embrace. For her, it's enough. Love the "FA cat" too funny! Sadly, I'm not allowed pets where I rent. I am a hugger like your friend….and I think what works for me is that 1. I have my church singles community where I get just a ton of hugs, 2. My hobby lets me meet interesting people and form great friendships. 3. My cat….even though he has his FAness to contend with…lol. It is going to sound strange…but sex has never been my thing…the thing I miss about B is the cuddling…..he was GREAT at cuddles. I realized that I was with guys because I wanted to feel safe and I wanted them to regulate me when I got scared, embarrassed, angry etc. But with therapy….I am getting better at self regulation. Don’t get me wrong….a loving partner would be fantastic….but I am fine without one. 🙂🙂 |
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 9, 2023 14:02:28 GMT
The last couple days have been rough.
I officially said goodbye to poly/married man. Though I never had romantic feelings for him, he's been a supportive, consistent presence in my life. I'll miss having him to lift me up. I could tell him anything without judgement. But letting him go to make space for something else feels right. I left the door open for platonic contact later if he's interested.
Then, I went home with the "sweetie" guy I was dating only to have him cross a boundary during sex after I told him explicitly no. I downplayed how upset I was at the moment, I think I was in shock, also didn't want to drive an hour home late at night after drinking wine. So I left in the morning and ended it via text later, letting him know why. Both men took things graciously, I blocked the boundary-crosser anyway don't need to ever hear from him again.
That makes it official. I am not dating, seeing or sleeping with anyone. Fun fact: the longest I've gone without sex in the past 20 years? 5 months. I think that was right before I took up the FA girlfriend who brought me onto this forum. The longest I've gone without being in a relationship since my marriage ended? 8 months, between that same FA gf and before this last FA exbf. In other words, I'm historically uncomfortable with gaps in my love life.
Yesterday I was completely knocked out with a high fever/flu. I took good care of myself and got food in me and drank liquids and slept, and today my temperature is normal. But having no one to pick up juice, or make food, or even just CHECK on me felt bad. No one even knew I was alone in my apartment, unable to walk from bed to bathroom without holding the walls. At one point, I realized no one would notice if I died until I didn't show up for work Monday. Ouch.
I felt so alone, and just missed being with exbf so badly. Yesterday, in the worst of my fever, I kept crying that I wanted to go "home," meaning his house,so much nicer than where I live. And my pets, my babies, that aren't mine anymore, and his presence of physical strength and know-how. I know it sounds stupid, but I miss the comfy couch I bought after my divorce that is still at his place because I can't fit it here. Unfortunately, my strong imagination doesn't help. I can picture it all so clearly, and feel how I felt when I first moved in and things were good between us, almost like I project myself there.
I don't mean to keep rehashing this stuff, but dang. The devastation came back hard during my fever, and I'm struggling to shake it off. To move into his house just to have him, 9 months later,so coldly tell me how he wanted to bring another woman home to f*** her in the guest room, and if I didn't like it I should leave. How he "wants his house back." At that point, nothing I did satisfied him and I was becoming a husk of a person, exhausted from trying to please his appetites, and my anxiety...
I know being alone in a tiny apartment with no pets but the termites and ants has to be healthier than that. And I know, on the whole I've been feeling better, I really am, but between these mini-breakups and the flu I feel some of the fight going out of me.
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Post by introvert on Jul 9, 2023 14:10:32 GMT
Being sick and vulnerable really drives loneliness home, that's for sure, and I think there is a bit of that that is instinctive. It makes sense, really... because we do need our clan to survive. So it's not weakness or insecurity, it's just human. I prefer to be alone and invisible at such times, feeling guilt about burdening anyone... but that is likely rooted in insecurity!
I am really proud of you though... been reading what you're sharing here and it looks like great self care, self love, and dignity to me. I think it's inspiring. Not everyone who travels this road gets to where they want to be, it's a long, twisted, treacherous path sometimes and lots give up. But here you are, after all you've been through, in some pain but moving forward with grit and determination. I hope you are proud of yourself, you should be.
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 10, 2023 13:44:54 GMT
Thank you, Introvert,
Your praise of my "grit" is nice to hear. But the reality is I wish my life wasn't this way. The future I want for myself, a home with a loving partner and our pets, feels impossibly far away.
Yesterday, I didn't talk to a single soul. Home alone, still sick, I tried to arrange a videochat with my childhood bestie but she couldn't. Last night the reality hit, as my phone alerts stayed silent all night, no men sending me sexy little goodnight texts, no one wondering what I was up to, that I am now staring alone into the void. It is going to be a long summer. I couldn't stop crying, still can't this morning.
So sick of missing exbf, hearing his voice in my head, longing for him at one point or another every day.
Regretting my decision to end things with poly guy, who actually planned to come visit me this week. Now that I ended things with the local, single guy, I wonder what's the point of not enjoying some male company. Struggling to stick to my decision. But also feeling like maybe I'd benefit from some sort of sexual cleanse.
Flu or no, I can't sit inside alone anymore. Gonna try to get on my board before it's too hot, maybe some exercise will end the pity party. Then will try to finalize plans for the trip I'm taking in Sept to visit friends and family in New England. I'm trying to look forward to it, but mostly I am not. Exbf and I used to take wonderful paddle trips to the mainland every Sept, I looked forward to them all year. I just know I can't sit here alone all summer moping, and this is the trip my budget will (barely) allow, to see people who will let me stay with them.
Thank you again for the encouragement, it does help some.
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Post by introvert on Jul 10, 2023 15:39:55 GMT
All of these feelings are par for the course of battling an addiction, so remember that's essentially what you're doing here. It gets harder before it gets easier, but it does get easier! I have beat some addictions myself, and the process sucks badly as you go through withdrawal. Self care and choosing other ways to soothe and regulate is the only way out.
Do all the things you know are good for you. You can't remove all the negative, but you CAN dilute it with more positive, and that really works to take the edge off. Grit isn't fun, but it's an indication of your will to thrive. Until you get there it will seem near impossible. But once you get there, you will look back and be amazed at what you have in you. I think faith in yourself moves mountains more than faith in anything or anyone else, except for faith in the real help that's available from the world at large. Practicing gratitude every day has helped me through the loss of nearly everything, through the desolation of seeing every last thing fall apart. I don't want to sound preachy, I've really been in dark places and just want to encourage you.
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 10, 2023 21:53:24 GMT
Today during a meltdown I checked my HALT (hungry angry lonely tired.)
Lonely is my big problem. The rest I can fix by myself. The last significant face-to-face contact I had with another human (grocery store check-out doesn't count) was days ago when I left that awful man's place. So today, faced with another day all alone, I took myself into the animal rescue where I work to chat with coworker and feed babies though I didn't have to (I run the call center from home.) At least it was a few minutes of friendly contact, some human, some avian.
It took a little of the edge off, but sometimes my struggle for any kind of connection just feels soooo pathetic.
Anyway, I really appreciate the responses, helps to know an internet stranger or two cares!!
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 10, 2023 22:50:44 GMT
Today during a meltdown I checked my HALT (hungry angry lonely tired.) Lonely is my big problem. The rest I can fix by myself. The last significant face-to-face contact I had with another human (grocery store check-out doesn't count) was days ago when I left that awful man's place. So today, faced with another day all alone, I took myself into the animal rescue where I work to chat with coworker and feed babies though I didn't have to (I run the call center from home.) At least it was a few minutes of friendly contact, some human, some avian. It took a little of the edge off, but sometimes my struggle for any kind of connection just feels soooo pathetic. Anyway, I really appreciate the responses, helps to know an internet stranger or two cares!! I am more than willing to lend you my FA cat for a possible lap lay (he is not fond of cuddles but struggles through them), followed by a good biting of your heels…..after all…he is FA. |
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 10, 2023 23:54:26 GMT
Your cat sounds like just my type!
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Post by cherrycola on Jul 11, 2023 4:50:19 GMT
I can feel your pain come thru your writing. It does eventually change little by little. Grief still catches me off guard and then I have to remind myself it's very much like waves, just over time you get to be a better swimmer. Just keep being kind with yourself and allowing yourself to grieve the life you thought you were going to live. It's so painful to allow yourself to start to dream of something and then it ends. I don't think our society really allows enough room for that pain.
I'm also a huge touch person which now that I think about it, may be why I end up in sexual situationships that aren't the best for me. I just love being held and stroked. Etc. It's definitely tied to a feeling of safety.
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Post by introvert on Jul 11, 2023 4:55:01 GMT
Today during a meltdown I checked my HALT (hungry angry lonely tired.) Lonely is my big problem. The rest I can fix by myself. The last significant face-to-face contact I had with another human (grocery store check-out doesn't count) was days ago when I left that awful man's place. So today, faced with another day all alone, I took myself into the animal rescue where I work to chat with coworker and feed babies though I didn't have to (I run the call center from home.) At least it was a few minutes of friendly contact, some human, some avian. It took a little of the edge off, but sometimes my struggle for any kind of connection just feels soooo pathetic. Anyway, I really appreciate the responses, helps to know an internet stranger or two cares!! That's really great that you checked in with yourself like that, then chose something that is positive, wholesome and nurturing to yourself and the babies, to soothe your loneliness. That's the way I made changes for myself... recognizing my needs and taking steps to meet them in ways that didn't cause more pain, for me or others. So this is great a d you're not pathetic. Maybe there isn't such a thing as pathetic. Pain is pain, need not be shamed.... |
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