Avoidant shut down.

Thank you for responding. Interacting with someone feels good.

I really like the idea of the 72 hour cortisol thing. That definitely sounds plausible. Perhaps something I can take into account. I would say due to the sensitivity of my nervous system, the action of cortisol is likely hanging around for several weeks in my case..... Bummer.

As for the rest of it. I have difficulty understanding. Since the last time was on the forum, I have been exploring much more than possibility of me having Asperger's. Or some level of ASD. When I was talking to members before, I continually seem to get frustrated and they often with me around communication styles and understanding. A lot of introspection since then has led me to understand that I was frustrated because they were dealing with abstraction. My brain cannot understand abstraction. It struggles very much. So when we I get into discussions about things like inner child and how things feel, I become frustrated, because I seem to have no concept of it. Or even the hardware to comprehend it.

I also have extreme difficulty understanding and feeling emotions. I get the cognitive effects of emotions and the thought processes. And I also do experience very strong sensations of discomfort. But they are mostly what I would describe as a vague fight or flight.

Mostly manifesting as what I understand to be anxiety. A very agitated type. I usually walk dozens of miles when I'm aggravated. My heart rate and breathing are rugged and rapid. And my thoughts race ruminatively as though is with a motor. The internal session could be described as an extreme discomfort of being in my own body. Like there's too much energy and it's waiting to burst out. Sitting still or relaxing is impossible.

But unlike motivated energy. This is a very useless kind of energy, and very difficult to harness in any kind of useful manner. Largely because concentration or directing it seems impossible. It's a very chaotic type of energy.

Are you able to ask her how she's doing and if anything is bothering her, noting the behavior change?

Yeah, we've had a few in-depth conversations lately.

A huge trigger for this event was a boundary I recently set. I'm sure part of the reason I did that was insecurity, but I'm also pretty sure I was justified in it. Or at least my worries are valid.

She has a male friend, or I guess he's more of a work colleague. I got on well with all the rest of her friends and family. No problems. And she introduced me to this guy about a year ago while he was embroiled in some kind of drama where he was actively cheating with one of her other colleagues, who is married and has a young child. There was a period of a couple months while we were kind of caught in the middle and she kept having to meet up with the woman who was cheating on her partner with this guy. And my girlfriend had to kind of act like the middleman/ woman. Meanwhile she was relating to me obviously how toxic this whole thing was. And I remember recalling I was glad to not be embroiled myself.

At some point last year I met this guy. And this was before I knew much of what was going on with his cheating situation. So I approached it relatively neutrally. Like I said I have got on well with all of the rest of her friends and family, male and female.

And I just got a very quick sense of unease about this guy. Something that was quite hard to pinpoint. Kind of like he was really nice to her, but very dismissive of me. He just kept trying to disqualify everything I said basically. Make passive aggressive remarks, constantly hint between the lines that I was a bad partner, but very under the radar stuff, like hinting that he could see a number of undone chores around the house, and if there were a real "man about the house" (aka him) it would be taken care of. Things like that. My best guess at the time was that he has a bit of a thing for her, or at least wants to sleep with her and was basically trying to undermine me.

It just all felt very uncomfortable. And I was glad when he left. The couple times since then I've met him. He's usually been drunk and pretty belligerent. And when all this cheating stuff came out the way he acted to his mistresses partner (who seems like a nice guy and good dad) was very obnoxious, very self-centered etc. Little concern that he was breaking up a family. I just always got the sense from this guy he was a consummate player, like a pick up artist or something. He seems to know what to say to women.

I have made it clear on several occasions that although I understand it's her choice who she's friends with. I really do not like this guy. And at the time even she was aware that he was acting in a very inappropriate manner with me.

Anyway, recently this guy has fallen on hard times for one reason or another and has lost his place to live. So my girlfriend considering him a friend and having some kind of saviour complex as far as I can discern by the amount of stray animals she takes in, impulsively asked him to move in with her. Although it's her place and she can do what she wants with it, I would have thought that something she might have discussed with me before hand.

So when she brought it up kind of very nonchalantly, "oh yeah so and so is moving in with me". I communicated my feelings about it. Basically saying I know it's her decision and I don't want to force her into doing anything, but I feel very uncomfortable about this situation and I can't support her in this decision.

I really get the impression with her that she's just doing it to be helpful. She is quite a consummate people Pleaser. But she's also very naiive. And has been duped or seduced by several "player" types in the past. Usually resulting in her cheating on her current partner with said player, then ending up in tears when she is discarded after being slept with.

Since I made my feelings clear and set the boundary, she has responded very negatively. I should add, I never told her that she couldn't move him in. I made it clear that was her decision and I would accept whatever that was. My boundary being that I said to her that I didn't think I could follow her if she made that decision. Basically hinting it would be a deal breaker for me.

She eventually recanted on moving this guy in after I made my feelings clear, but has been pretty resentful since.

I guess that's around the time that the flip occurred into what feels like a strong avoidant reaction. I have experienced nothing like it since I've known her.

I have significant doubts now as to whether my feelings and boundary were justified based on her reaction. If it was that way, and I'm the asshole, I didn't mean it to be that way. And I thought my feelings and communication of them were reasonable.

You're probably not an alcoholic. But your system needs to reach for something to soothe when it's so activated, and this works, so it's the go-to. Not saying it's a great idea, just that it makes sense. And you can have some compassion for yourself around it b/c of course you'd want to ease your suffering.

I also have (mild) ASD and have trouble with abstract concepts. It's frustrating to others, but I still continue to ask for what I need - i.e, a concrete example or details.

Do you have any access to therapies? Things that help regulate your nervous system and build capacity can help - cranial sacral therapy, safe and sound protocol. Even IFS parts work.

I agree with seeking. You did nothing wrong in telling her your feelings on the situation (better than you not communicating and then getting resentful about him moving in!), and I don't think anything you're feeling around it is "wrong" either. She just doesn't like it and doesn't know how to sit with her feelings on your disagreement, so she's withdrawn. Whether or not she's reassessing if you have compatible values I couldn't say, but are you reacting anxiously to her withdrawal or are you reacting to the fact that on some level YOU are reassessing if you have compatible values? And then trying to push that down because if her decision-making process in this situation really is a dealbreaker, then disconnection and potentially breaking up feels scary and awful? All that suppression would create anxiety, too.

But don't second-guess your stance on what happened with this guy based on her reaction. I hate to say it, but if she's also insecure, then this may be a like attracting like situation -- she's gravitated towards someone toxic and doesn't recognize how toxic he is because her particular set of trauma normalized something about his behavior so she sees it as far less of a red flag than you do.

You probably need to give her some time to mull over things and calm her nervous system before you can have a healthier mutual discussion. And I agree that self-medicating through drinking won't help prepare you for that conversation. Try leaning into your long walks instead for the time being while the mutual triggering passes?

seeking alexandra mrob @introvert

I wanted to thank you guys for helping me to work through my thoughts and feelings on this. I was struggling with it and quiet aware my attachment wounds were triggered.

I really appreciated the validation on my perspective. I have a lot of doubt doing this for myself.

With regards to how the situation progressed then I think the result was satisfactory. Me and her had a few quiet vulnerable talks about the situation once her avoidance subsided enough to communicate (I did my best to stay present through the anxiety and act in as rational a manner as possible. And did what I could to avoid dumping my emotional responsibility on her.

When we were able to communicate in a relatively de-escalated time I made it clear to her I was uncomfortable about the situation and why. And she validated my perspective and agreed it would not be a good idea for him to move in.

I think the way we talked there is minimal resentment on both our parts, which was one of my main goals to end with.

Though I did definately meet some resistance from her ego about her desire to help those in need. Her stance seemed to be that by telling her my boundaries, it felt to her like I was trying to "change her". Her impulsive desire to help is egosyntonic so I expected this.

I explained that at no point did I say she couldn't do something. I only stated my stance and actions in reference to myself on the matter. I also talked to her about my opinion, that just because a behaviour is egosyntonic does not necessarily mean it's the best or healthiest expression of ourselves.
I tried to emphasize that I actually really value her desire to help and treat people kindly....Only that I wished her to think critically and not impulsively when acting on those desires. And to at least consider the impact on our relationship before acting.

She in turn made me aware of some of the negative effects that my ego and defences have on her. And I think this was done respectfully enough that we both felt "somewhat satisfied" by the result.


Points of interest for me to try process:

I could not resist the need to drink when my anxious attachment wounds were activated. The pain was all encompassing and daily life was not possible without at least a small amount of inebriation.

My nervous system was literally telling me I was going to die during that time.

As has been the pattern with me since joining this forum I have made leaps and bounds of progress with regards to insight, awareness, communication, strategy etc. But the core of my subconscious remains wildly insecure. A ticking time bomb.

A further point of concern is how we might work out our differences. The more we get to know each other the more I realize we fall on polar opposites of the various spectra of personality and perspective.

One thing we have going for us is that as far as I can tell we are both "in this" and we want to be "in this" through the work/ and difficulties.

I hope that's enough. I care about her very much. And to be fair. The majority of the time we have been quiet content together.