Post by seeking on Aug 2, 2023 1:29:53 GMT
I'm still currently operating in shut down with a lot of things.
I accept that I get triggered super easily b/c of relational trauma that spans years, maybe most of my life.
I've also grown a lot and can see and witness the triggers.
But other than witnessing my parts (as in IFS work), I wonder here what anyone else might do.
This is just one very specific situation (not like a general one) that happened recently but there were many more like this ...
A group formed around a particular vulnerable topic. The leader ran things by me and used me for perspective. I felt "chosen" and realized she and I had some dynamic - like I looked up to her and when she responded to me, it felt good. But I know she's a bit unstable.
The group had met a number of times and like anything with me, it's gonna take me a while to trust. I'm on the outside looking in. She noticed that about me. And it felt nice to be seen, but I also didn't want to move out of that position of just kind of laying back and observing more.
I had some powerful moments in that group and started to feel like, "Okay, maybe this can be a support."
The leader and I had a long discussion one time about some dynamics and decided to bring it to the group and we worked out a few things all together.
Then the leader (who really doesn't want to be seen as the leader but is more of a facilitator/organizer) decided to bring in 2 new people. I didn't see this as a problem. And she kept making a big deal out of it and wrote a whole post to the original group about "grieving the loss of our original group" - I thought it was a little over the top.
But the minute one of the new people joined, I sensed something shift in me - I was wary, stepped back. I sensed this was the new preferred person that this leader was going to "choose" and I felt cast aside. In fact in the last meeting, I didn't even get space to share. The leader waited until the last few minutes and said "We didn't hear from you..." by that point I'd already decided not to share for other reasons. But at some point, I must have unintentionally interrupted the person and leader was like, "Seeking! This person was just in the middle of talking." Ugh.
The person brought up a topic that made me really uncomfortable. It's political in nature and I immediately felt my body closing up after I had planned to share something pretty intimate (vulnerable stuff is the nature of our group). I felt myself trying to override this instinct to close up -- but I didn't. But then we ran out of time anyway.
I somehow thought the leader might notice this and message me later, but she didn't. And I spent the day feeling pretty wiped out. Just because this kind of thing has felt like such a theme - go for connection, shrink back from connection, say nothing, and basically feel spent.
I felt some activation and wanted to say something to her, like "I don't think I can continue if things revolve around political topics," but then that might be too revealing around my own position on things and I don't want to go there with colleagues, etc. Or just honestly tell her what happened, but I kept talking myself out of it 1) because there wasn't really an invitation to do so and 2) what does it matter? What did I want from it? The new person is not going to be a part of the group? We're going to make a rule about no politics? Plus it seemed I was the only one who felt this way...
But continuing to kind of shrink away from connection feels bad too. So sometimes I think a healthy person would just let it go. And then sometimes I think, a healthy person would share some feedback. And there's just a little bit of a painful freeze/shutdown that keeps me from doing much of anything. So for now, I'll continue to see how things go, but I'm worried that I have shut down to where I won't share or get what I need from the group.... and this is a pattern I don't want to continue - in this situation and elsewhere.
I accept that I get triggered super easily b/c of relational trauma that spans years, maybe most of my life.
I've also grown a lot and can see and witness the triggers.
But other than witnessing my parts (as in IFS work), I wonder here what anyone else might do.
This is just one very specific situation (not like a general one) that happened recently but there were many more like this ...
A group formed around a particular vulnerable topic. The leader ran things by me and used me for perspective. I felt "chosen" and realized she and I had some dynamic - like I looked up to her and when she responded to me, it felt good. But I know she's a bit unstable.
The group had met a number of times and like anything with me, it's gonna take me a while to trust. I'm on the outside looking in. She noticed that about me. And it felt nice to be seen, but I also didn't want to move out of that position of just kind of laying back and observing more.
I had some powerful moments in that group and started to feel like, "Okay, maybe this can be a support."
The leader and I had a long discussion one time about some dynamics and decided to bring it to the group and we worked out a few things all together.
Then the leader (who really doesn't want to be seen as the leader but is more of a facilitator/organizer) decided to bring in 2 new people. I didn't see this as a problem. And she kept making a big deal out of it and wrote a whole post to the original group about "grieving the loss of our original group" - I thought it was a little over the top.
But the minute one of the new people joined, I sensed something shift in me - I was wary, stepped back. I sensed this was the new preferred person that this leader was going to "choose" and I felt cast aside. In fact in the last meeting, I didn't even get space to share. The leader waited until the last few minutes and said "We didn't hear from you..." by that point I'd already decided not to share for other reasons. But at some point, I must have unintentionally interrupted the person and leader was like, "Seeking! This person was just in the middle of talking." Ugh.
The person brought up a topic that made me really uncomfortable. It's political in nature and I immediately felt my body closing up after I had planned to share something pretty intimate (vulnerable stuff is the nature of our group). I felt myself trying to override this instinct to close up -- but I didn't. But then we ran out of time anyway.
I somehow thought the leader might notice this and message me later, but she didn't. And I spent the day feeling pretty wiped out. Just because this kind of thing has felt like such a theme - go for connection, shrink back from connection, say nothing, and basically feel spent.
I felt some activation and wanted to say something to her, like "I don't think I can continue if things revolve around political topics," but then that might be too revealing around my own position on things and I don't want to go there with colleagues, etc. Or just honestly tell her what happened, but I kept talking myself out of it 1) because there wasn't really an invitation to do so and 2) what does it matter? What did I want from it? The new person is not going to be a part of the group? We're going to make a rule about no politics? Plus it seemed I was the only one who felt this way...
But continuing to kind of shrink away from connection feels bad too. So sometimes I think a healthy person would just let it go. And then sometimes I think, a healthy person would share some feedback. And there's just a little bit of a painful freeze/shutdown that keeps me from doing much of anything. So for now, I'll continue to see how things go, but I'm worried that I have shut down to where I won't share or get what I need from the group.... and this is a pattern I don't want to continue - in this situation and elsewhere.
