Post by seeking on Aug 2, 2023 14:56:52 GMT
This past month I hit some major impasses with family... it took such a toll on me, I couldn't walk at some point and didn't get my period this month.
The first round was with my dad at the beginning of July. And then I nearly didn't sleep for one full night. The second time was with my sister a week ago and again I didn't sleep that night. My therapist who I meet with infrequently now said that the activation in my system speaks to grief.
So I guess there is a lot of it. I felt completely overwhelmed by it, along with rage, panic (hormones too) and physical pain.
It's just been a big wake up call. The night I stayed awake until nearly morning after my sister, I couldn't calm my system down. When I finally did, I realized what I'm longing for is simple connection. Really just the basics - listening, empathy, sharing, witnessing. "Hi, how are you?" "How are you and daughter doing?" I respond. "Oh, that's good. Or that's hard. Or I feel that way too." It's really basic.
But instead she showed up and I was already triggered then she started blaming me and I yelled in front of her kids. What a nightmare. I'm not putting all the blame on her. I never really got on the "she's a narcissist" "he's a whatever" bandwagon. I don't think things are that black and white - i.e., I'm the empath (and victim) and they are the bad guy/perpetrator.
I just think my sister is toxic and I behave mostly toxic-ly around her. I don't get that? But that's what happens. I am reactive. I think at the very least, she's extremely self-absorbed and has low capacity for real connection.
And so I picked myself up and told myself things are really complex with my family, and yet I still choose to interact with them for reasons I'm not always entirely clear about.
And that I have to start finding real connection, not expecting it from them and being devastated by their inability to do it. My daughter pointed out to me that I don't do it with them either - like say "how are you?" So I will try that.
But in the meantime, I've reconnected with people I'm clear *can* connect. And I've wanted to do it in person. And that feels like a really healthy impulse to me.
So I had a friend over yesterday. We had to cut our time short because my daughter had to be somewhere, but she drove 45 minutes to come see me for like 2 hours and we haven't seen each other in 10 years! We don't even know each other well, but there's something about our connection that's real. She sat in my kitchen and I cooked lunch for us and we talked nonstop and made eye contact and just got it.
I'm meeting with another friend Friday who I've only met in person once but we keep seeking each other out (we both have girls the same age). I don't know if the girls will connect but I know we will. And then I have another friend who can hopefully connect.
I have other friends - ones I adore and who are not necessarily toxic, but I don't think they are capable, for whatever reason, of sitting and connecting. So that's what I'm focused on right now.
I'm also beginning to realize the profound-ness of my relational trauma. That I think its probably changed my brain at this point. I'll keep doing my healing work, but I feel a lot of grief over being 50 and having spent most of my life in shit relationships being treated poorly.
Last night, a friend who lives far texted me something and she and I don't talk often but she is another mom of a girl my daughter's age, and I told her in 3 sentences what happened with our homeschool co-op and how the person betrayed me. And she said, "Stay away from the toxic ones." And then said that she thinks I'm a really great person and that she is sorry that happened to me. Normally stuff like that feels surfacy or I don't pay much attention, but I know she's been through her own stuff and truly gets it. So it meant a lot. But for a few seconds, I actually felt my brain switch to something other than what it knows now. To like this tiny bit of support seeping in that actually landed in my body. I thought "what if I had that ALL the time?" Like in a partner, or a friend who was close. I couldn't believe how that tiny little bit reverberated through me.
The friend who visited yesterday texted to last night to say thanks, and I told her too bad our visit was too short and she said we'd do it again. This morning she texted that she's still processing stuff we talked about yesterday -- (we go deep fast) and that she's proud of me for everything I've weathered and all that I've built and done for myself and my daughter!
I couldn't believe it. In just 24 hours after deciding to be with people who can connect and are available. I couldn't get this out of my ex or my sister if I gave them a million dollars. (My dad will try to say this from time to time in this kind of robotic, obligatory, check-off-a-box way). He was at our house Sunday and telling my daughter she had to be Catholic to save her soul, so I think anything he does say gets undone pretty quickly. Same with my sister. I was thinking how maybe if she didn't have her kids, like my friend yesterday didn't, that we could sit and talk like I did with my friend, but my sister also just un-does any possible connection. Last week, I was trying to share with her my struggle with accepting my daughter's refusal to do certain things because of "autistic masking" (this is my daughter's new thing and I'm still trying to understand it). I felt pretty bereft over it - like a new level of having to re-accept my daughter's autism. And my sister just goes "don't we all mask?" She just has a way of making comments that shut down any possible connection. And somehow leave me feeling like a jerk. Like, yeah, why would I even bring that matter up? we all do it. Autism shouldn't even exist as a thing. Ugh.
Anyway, I'm all over the place here, but just sharing these wins. I'm so hungry for more but feel like at least I'm on the path.
The first round was with my dad at the beginning of July. And then I nearly didn't sleep for one full night. The second time was with my sister a week ago and again I didn't sleep that night. My therapist who I meet with infrequently now said that the activation in my system speaks to grief.
So I guess there is a lot of it. I felt completely overwhelmed by it, along with rage, panic (hormones too) and physical pain.
It's just been a big wake up call. The night I stayed awake until nearly morning after my sister, I couldn't calm my system down. When I finally did, I realized what I'm longing for is simple connection. Really just the basics - listening, empathy, sharing, witnessing. "Hi, how are you?" "How are you and daughter doing?" I respond. "Oh, that's good. Or that's hard. Or I feel that way too." It's really basic.
But instead she showed up and I was already triggered then she started blaming me and I yelled in front of her kids. What a nightmare. I'm not putting all the blame on her. I never really got on the "she's a narcissist" "he's a whatever" bandwagon. I don't think things are that black and white - i.e., I'm the empath (and victim) and they are the bad guy/perpetrator.
I just think my sister is toxic and I behave mostly toxic-ly around her. I don't get that? But that's what happens. I am reactive. I think at the very least, she's extremely self-absorbed and has low capacity for real connection.
And so I picked myself up and told myself things are really complex with my family, and yet I still choose to interact with them for reasons I'm not always entirely clear about.
And that I have to start finding real connection, not expecting it from them and being devastated by their inability to do it. My daughter pointed out to me that I don't do it with them either - like say "how are you?" So I will try that.
But in the meantime, I've reconnected with people I'm clear *can* connect. And I've wanted to do it in person. And that feels like a really healthy impulse to me.
So I had a friend over yesterday. We had to cut our time short because my daughter had to be somewhere, but she drove 45 minutes to come see me for like 2 hours and we haven't seen each other in 10 years! We don't even know each other well, but there's something about our connection that's real. She sat in my kitchen and I cooked lunch for us and we talked nonstop and made eye contact and just got it.
I'm meeting with another friend Friday who I've only met in person once but we keep seeking each other out (we both have girls the same age). I don't know if the girls will connect but I know we will. And then I have another friend who can hopefully connect.
I have other friends - ones I adore and who are not necessarily toxic, but I don't think they are capable, for whatever reason, of sitting and connecting. So that's what I'm focused on right now.
I'm also beginning to realize the profound-ness of my relational trauma. That I think its probably changed my brain at this point. I'll keep doing my healing work, but I feel a lot of grief over being 50 and having spent most of my life in shit relationships being treated poorly.
Last night, a friend who lives far texted me something and she and I don't talk often but she is another mom of a girl my daughter's age, and I told her in 3 sentences what happened with our homeschool co-op and how the person betrayed me. And she said, "Stay away from the toxic ones." And then said that she thinks I'm a really great person and that she is sorry that happened to me. Normally stuff like that feels surfacy or I don't pay much attention, but I know she's been through her own stuff and truly gets it. So it meant a lot. But for a few seconds, I actually felt my brain switch to something other than what it knows now. To like this tiny bit of support seeping in that actually landed in my body. I thought "what if I had that ALL the time?" Like in a partner, or a friend who was close. I couldn't believe how that tiny little bit reverberated through me.
The friend who visited yesterday texted to last night to say thanks, and I told her too bad our visit was too short and she said we'd do it again. This morning she texted that she's still processing stuff we talked about yesterday -- (we go deep fast) and that she's proud of me for everything I've weathered and all that I've built and done for myself and my daughter!
I couldn't believe it. In just 24 hours after deciding to be with people who can connect and are available. I couldn't get this out of my ex or my sister if I gave them a million dollars. (My dad will try to say this from time to time in this kind of robotic, obligatory, check-off-a-box way). He was at our house Sunday and telling my daughter she had to be Catholic to save her soul, so I think anything he does say gets undone pretty quickly. Same with my sister. I was thinking how maybe if she didn't have her kids, like my friend yesterday didn't, that we could sit and talk like I did with my friend, but my sister also just un-does any possible connection. Last week, I was trying to share with her my struggle with accepting my daughter's refusal to do certain things because of "autistic masking" (this is my daughter's new thing and I'm still trying to understand it). I felt pretty bereft over it - like a new level of having to re-accept my daughter's autism. And my sister just goes "don't we all mask?" She just has a way of making comments that shut down any possible connection. And somehow leave me feeling like a jerk. Like, yeah, why would I even bring that matter up? we all do it. Autism shouldn't even exist as a thing. Ugh.
Anyway, I'm all over the place here, but just sharing these wins. I'm so hungry for more but feel like at least I'm on the path.
