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Post by cherrycola on Aug 2, 2023 19:45:12 GMT
Feeling disconnected and alienated from everything and everyone lately. I just disassociate, work, browse social media, anxiety clean and sleep. When I do have conversations with people it's like I am playing a part. I say all the required pleasantries, ask them how they are etc. But I am not really present.
I am left feeling from my friends that I made the wrong choice in leaving my marriage, and then I feel shame for having this much regret over something I did over three years ago.
My friend is in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic, they have kids. It is at the point where her son is starting to treat her like her husband does, and then her daughter intervenes and tries to stop it. I try to support her to the best I can, and did point out her son is only going to continue because he is taking his example from her husband. She flat out told me she is not going to counselling and not leaving him because being with him is better then being without him and she has seen ME struggling with dating and so I am now the cautionary tale. ouch
My best friend married a man and was clear she wanted kids. After they got married his true colors as a man child came out, and then changed his mind. After her making it clear again that it was a deal breaker, he is now only partly on board. She has since found out she may not be able to get pregnant at all. I asked her about adoption and she said she already knows he won't have the emotional investment /maturity to handle an adopted child. They fight constantly and she says things like "we are still learning how to be married" even though it's been years. She told me I should get tested to see if I can even get pregnant because maybe I am turning down nice men who don't want kids for no reason.
I have a male friend who is being financially abused by his partner while in a one sided open relationship that only she partakes in, and then complains to me about it one day and the next if I inquire how he is, pretends there is no problem and buries his head in the sand for another 6 months.
My marriage contrasted with these wasn't even close to as bad, and these people are choosing to stay. The first even telling me she basically doesn't want to end up like me. I realize it is their own attachment issues at play and being single and happy is better then with a terrible partner... but I feel regret. I am 37 and feeling like I will never end up with someone to have a child on my own so what was the point of leaving. my ex is now THRIVING, which I think is part of it. Besides the lack of respect I had the lifestyle I wanted, and really I didn't see my own part in how unhappy I was.
I am blessed to own in the city with the highest cost of living in all of Canada. But it leaves no money left over for anything and every month is a decision of what fits within my budget and what has to wait. But I don't know what direction to even move in anymore. I don't know where to take my career. I somehow always feel like I have no time.
Maybe I actually need new friends? I only have one who is in a healthy and happy secure relationship.
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 2, 2023 20:05:44 GMT
Boy, do I feel you! I also feel like a robot moving through my day without much presence.
"Maybe I actually need new friends? I only have one who is in a healthy and happy secure relationship."
Interesting you should say this. I made a few new friends this past year when I started realizing I was going down and flames and would need a better support system, and I'm finding I enjoy their company lately far more than my older friends here. The older friends are fun, flamboyant, theater-types who party hard and can be a handful and kind of mean girls sometimes. The new friends are more down-to-earth, and though not all of them are secure or in r'ships, they're just plain NICER and I find my anxiety level around them is less. So yes, maybe you do need new friends. See if, with all the work you've been doing on yourself, you don't attract some better friends.
"She flat out told me she is not going to counselling and not leaving him because being with him is better then being without him and she has seen ME struggling with dating and so I am now the cautionary tale. ouch"
She just had to take you down a peg because you were calling her on her b.s..Pure defensiveness.
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 2, 2023 20:14:22 GMT
lovebunny thanks, I know she is just trying to protect her own ego in this, it's just hard to hear. Because I want to scream at her finding someone new isn't the game, it's being at peace with yourself and setting a good example for your kids. Yet she keeps making it about the choice is being with him or finding someone new. And here I am, not really at peace with myself either. The friends thing is hard. It may be a part of I need new friends but also I have this massive "you are defective" shame piece that has surfaced in recently years which makes it hard to really connect with anyone. Dating only made it worse. So now it's this low level anxiety of, am I being empathetic enough, nice enough, careful not to overshare, etc. I never used to worry about masking my neurodivergence to this degree. I would overshare and trauma dump and just be low key crazy and somehow make friends? I also worry about hey don't overdo this, you need to give people SOMETHING to connect to, you need some degree of authenticity and humanness. So then I worry I am under sharing now.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 2, 2023 21:41:50 GMT
Comparing yourself to what other people have will drive you crazy, especially since you already know on some level that the examples you gave of people choosing to stay are dysfunctional.. you don't even want to model your own relationships after what they have, so it's not worth feeling shame and doubt about in relation to those examples. Your feelings are your feelings, so I'm not trying to shame you for feeling bad thinking it all through, but stick with your instinct that it IS better to not be in those situations even if you're not where you want to be. You still have the opportunity to get elsewhere somewhat quickly, especially if things fall into place, whereas the others in different situations than your own will need a lot of time yet to untangle if they do decide to change something.
In regards to kids, the tests aren't that great at measuring anything unless you're solidly in infertile territory. You kind of just don't know until you start trying, and it's not all on the woman anyway. You can end up with an infertile partner. I don't think I'd use that possibility as a reason to try to lower your own standards to expand your pool to men who don't want kids if you do, because there still might be a values misalignment to do that. If you meet someone and you both want kids but one or the other can't easily have them or have them at all, would you want adoption or having a donor for the side having trouble as an option? Versus no conversation at all because you went for someone who wants to be intentionally childfree?
It's easy to get into a scarcity mindset and kind of lost in disconnection when you're feeling depressed, which it sounds like maybe you are right now. Doing comparisons with other people and trying to control what you can't control for will just add to the negative feelings. I'd recommend testing only as part of a bigger exploration of options so you're educated about what those options are if you do decide you want to try to have kids in the next 5 years, even if it needs to happen in a less traditional way. Don't get too down on yourself exploring all the negative scenarios if you actually do want a kid, but you are going to have to figure out if you can better manage your current downswing in mood in order to move forward. When you can muster the energy and motivation, probably better to focus on that before comparisons and kid concerns, but don't be too hard on yourself either way. It won't help you to beat yourself up with regret or shame if you're already in survival mode.
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 2, 2023 22:19:41 GMT
Thanks, yes I am feeling depressed, guess I just needed someone to point that out to me. I just went and found a somatic counsellor accepting patients and made an appointment for an introductory phone call. My trauma counsellor has also been in touch reminding me that in September I can sign up for another 6 months of counselling thru her publicly funded program. I feel so much shame going back there, like I'm not really "that" bad. This is all my fault and if only I stopped being such a victim I could just get over this and move on with my life. A lot of my feelings just feel stuck inside me and no amount of talking really helps. So I am hoping that maybe somatic can help nudge them along.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 2, 2023 22:27:28 GMT
lovebunny thanks, I know she is just trying to protect her own ego in this, it's just hard to hear. Because I want to scream at her finding someone new isn't the game, it's being at peace with yourself and setting a good example for your kids. Yet she keeps making it about the choice is being with him or finding someone new. And here I am, not really at peace with myself either. The friends thing is hard. It may be a part of I need new friends but also I have this massive "you are defective" shame piece that has surfaced in recently years which makes it hard to really connect with anyone. Dating only made it worse. So now it's this low level anxiety of, am I being empathetic enough, nice enough, careful not to overshare, etc. I never used to worry about masking my neurodivergence to this degree. I would overshare and trauma dump and just be low key crazy and somehow make friends? I also worry about hey don't overdo this, you need to give people SOMETHING to connect to, you need some degree of authenticity and humanness. So then I worry I am under sharing now. Do you have any hobbies that interest you and are relatively low cost where you could meet some new people and discuss the hobby versus the “niceties”. For instance, I have met some great people-married, divorced, dating, single all through a shared hobby. I find focusing on that has really given me a new perspective and the hobby itself gives me a sense of accomplishment. |
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 6, 2023 2:19:25 GMT
tnr9 yeah I really need to find a low cost social hobby I enjoy. I have always been uncomfortable in groups, and I'm not a big drinker, which doesn't help when that is a very popular (and expensive) group activity around here. I can't quite get the timing of conversations and end up getting spoken over a lot, so I end up just shutting down and not really enjoying myself. All my friends are just people I clicked with off the bat, if I don't have that click then it tends to just fade away. Ironically the only friend I've made through repeated casual exposures is my secure friend. We ended up working really closely together at work year over year and I noticed just enjoying the normalness of our relationship. I really cherish it. I have noticed though that a lot of things people do as group play, I only enjoy solo. For example shopping. Most women LOVE shopping together, I loath it. It doesn't make sense as an activity to do together for me. My sister drags me shopping and then gets disappointed because my tastes/sensibilities are in a different world from hers. I spent most of my childhood playing by myself so I think a lot of this simply comes from a lack of socialization. But this contributes to some of my problems with dating. There are all sorts of activities that men want to do together and they feel unnatural for me. Like sitting on a video chat watching the same movie? Odd. Being on the phone while doing our own things? Odd. Cooking when we have drastically different skill levels? Odd. How about one of us cooks and the other cleans?
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 6, 2023 2:29:01 GMT
I was doing so good the last few days and then melted into a pool of nothing today. Though I did realize, my friends all staying in these bad relationships makes me think what is wrong with me? I even told the one whose wife is taking advantage of him that on a level I am jealous of her. Jealous that she doesn't work and she has this really great person taking care of her and then she can go off and do whatever she wants. At one point I wanted to go back to school full time, but I never felt like my ex had my back enough that I could quit my job and he would take care of me. I think I have talked about this on here before, about feeling like I am not broken enough, yet not healed enough either. very much in my victim mentality and just feeling defeated. I know I have a lot to offer the right person.
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 8, 2023 23:42:28 GMT
I've had my fiest session with any new counsellor. My biggest takeaway is how much shame I have around being different and broken. How I just don't relate to others and now that I've stopped using dysfunctional tools like over sharing I don't have any healthier alternatives to use.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 9, 2023 0:12:11 GMT
I've had my fiest session with any new counsellor. My biggest takeaway is how much shame I have around being different and broken. How I just don't relate to others and now that I've stopped using dysfunctional tools like over sharing I don't have any healthier alternatives to use. A very astute therapist I once had told me to change “broken” to “work in progress”. I still have moments where I feel so very different from others….and there are times I like to do my hobby by myself…but, I recognize that it is only when I am with others that I get the chance to question old tapes about myself and others. It is not easy at all. This past weekend, I was out with 2 guy friends and they kept acting competitive (counting their finds and showing them off) and it really rubbed me the wrong way. So I said I was suffering from heat exhaustion and left early. It felt so “insensitive” until I spoke to my boss the next day where he said that was very much guys being guys. I was bullied as a kid and that has really biased my view of others intentions. |
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 18, 2023 20:31:43 GMT
tnr9 been really thinking about what you said about old tapes. I think it's a mixture of old tapes being reinforced by people in my life. My boss for example has said things like "you ask weird questions" and "geeze, you really need to watch your wording" Yesterday I summarized something quickly to her in a chat message and asked her if she wanted me to respond to an inter-department email myself and she replied "not if you are going to word it like that" and then replied herself. I was a bit stunned because in the 10 years she has known me, I have NEVER sent an unprofessional email, and her assumption really stung that I can't tell the difference between an online team chat and an email to a stranger. I think most people would kinda shake off what she said as her own problem but I take it pretty personally as yeah, she's right I don't know how to communicate. But I had to take a step back and remind myself she does this to everyone, not a single person on our team has escaped her needing to word things EXACTLY the way she wants, otherwise it is wrong. I had to further remind myself I have writing skills sufficient enough to write letters to government agencies, so I can't be that bad of a communicator. But then if you have issues with everyone in your life, the problem is you? right? So then I am back to looking at myself to like, why do I have so many issues with people in my life.
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Post by cherrycola on Sept 1, 2023 19:57:37 GMT
Working with my new counsellor has been good. She is very different from my last and we are covering things from my past that I had never really dove into before. Lots of inner child work around my belief that I am different. Even though she didn't advertise it she knows a lot about neurodivergence and we are really exploring how that plays into my traits.
Exploring my inability to share myself with others. Insane to think that just three years ago I was even afraid to tell a date I enjoyed fast food, or share music with them.
I also made a new friend, which for me is a big deal for me. A girl that Mr. AP had introduced me to last year, but we were in bad places in life and didn't reconnect until recently. I thought it would be awkward but it's strangely validating to have someone who also experienced him and we mostly connect on other subjects but once in awhile it comes up and we just laugh about it. I am trying to be authentic but not overshare and so far it is going well, we make time for each other and it leaves me feeling how do I find more people like this? I know she finds me attractive from the first time we met, I know she is bi. But I feel okay just letting things develop at their own pace and no matter the outcome I am okay with that?
Maybe because she is bi and it's different or maybe my dabbling in poly has taught me that you can't control or cage people, you need to let them be who they want to be and then you set boundaries around if that is okay. I haven't devalued her or placed her on a pedestal, she is just this person I enjoy spending time with.
I ALSO got my jacket back from my ex friend. He felt guilty because he had been thinking about it for awhile but didn't want to reach out. So it was good for both of us to settle that final step and have a clean slate with each other. We did not re-kindle or open the door. Just exchanged pleasantries and I thanked him.
Still can't install a dating app. It is overwhelming to pick photos and write a profile, just to meet men who put in zero effort. I know this is a scarcity mindset, and a way of avoiding my anxiety around getting out there again. I think I am also terrified of losing myself. I don't know how to balance my own needs with others. Somedays I have lots of energy to share with others, and other days almost none.
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Post by cherrycola on Sept 11, 2023 3:49:17 GMT
Crazy what a difference a month can make. I've seen my new counsellor weekly and she has really helped with some processing I didn't even realize I needed to do. When I booked her I was just looking for somatic experiencing but she also has ADHD and her focus is on attachment. I'm on and off giving my inner child hugs and just sitting with her in the pain. Acknowledging her loneliness and how she wasn't allowed to just be.
I've also left some of the online women's groups I was part of. They give advice that is meant to be helpful, but it's just more regurgitation of societies fantasy views on relationships. Like how you shouldn't waste your time with a guy who is unsure because men lock it down immediately when you are the one. While there is some truth about not accepting low effort, the second part is meaningless and just tells me the guy has attachment issues, is anxious and is possibly committing to his fantasy of who the women is, not the reality. It's okay for a guy to be deciding about me, just like how I am deciding about him. No one needs to commit to anything immediately.
I feel much more ready to be entering the dating pool this time around. More sure of myself and more able to take my time evaluating is this person a good fit for me.
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