pb14
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Post by pb14 on Aug 23, 2023 22:48:08 GMT
Is anyone able to give me any insight into if my recent ex is an FA or DA as I used to think she was secure and maybe I’ve triggered something recently. A bit of background about my recent ex who I was in a 4 year relationship with, she was in and out of hospital for the first year of her life with heath problems and has had periods of her life where she has had a fractured relationship with her mum, leading her to move to abroad in early adulthood to live for a few years and later enrolled in the army.
Throughout our relationship any argument would always result in her stonewalling when I’m trying to communicate which she would see as an argument. She wouldn’t ever say sorry or want to discuss any details of the issues unless I pushed it out of her (in hindsight I know I’m wrong in this approach). She would on the odd chance say sorry you feel that way instead of an apology. There were a number of times where she withdrew Emotionally and would struggle to open up to me, however she had admitted over the years I’m the one person she’s been able to open up to and tell a lot of things about her life. Generally we’ve been great within our relationship despite a lot of difficulty (COVID, Dog dying, moving town).
When we initially met we discussed about what we wanted in the future and about having a family. My ex was 35 at the time and I was 28. We both felt a kid(s) would be in the future and were making what I thought was small steps in the direction of having kids. We fairly quickly started renting together and have since purchased a flat and then moved to a house which we now own together.
When we first met she had a dog from her marriage of 7 years. The dog was her entire world and she showed a huge amount of attachment to the dog to the point she would get high levels of anxiety when she left her at home and would have some irrational thoughts about the dog jumping out a car window for example. I was always really supportive and saw the caring and devoted side of this. Sadly a year or so into our relationship her dog was diagnosed with terminal cancer which caused my ex to suffer mentally, where she would go cold towards me but would also lash out at me if I tried to emotionally support her. I understood this was an extremely hard time for her and she would keep enjoying every moment she/we had with the dog. Although at this time my ex tried to leave me because she said we wanted different things in life but we stayed together.
About a year later her dog sadly died which caused a huge amount of hurt and was a massively challenging and difficult time for the both of us. Again in these moments my ex tried to leave me saying she doesn’t want kids anymore due to the pain but again we agreed to work on things.
A few months later my ex got onto a university course funding by her work and at this time she again wanted to break up because we ‘wanted different things in life’.
This lead to a discussion about my ex wanting to move to her hometown where her family live about 40 minutes away and thought it was best to go separate ways or I could visit and see how I liked visiting and whether I would move to the area. We ended up buying a property together nearing her family. A few weeks after moving in we had an argument and I walked out to stay with my family for a few days as I was being stonewalled and ignored. A day later she rang me saying she found it hard and wanted me to come back.
I will add she has always been massively into being in control of loads of different aspects of life and the house, although she has learnt to become better at cosharing space and decorations in the property. She also needs a spotless home and before we met she used to iron her bedsheets every morning so there wouldn’t be any creases.
Over the years we have had on and off arguments about small things but have always made up afterwards and never seen these as big issues, despite the stonewalling and never opening up.
Since moving to her hometown we have been on holiday together a year ago, then after Christmas she discussed about she would be willing to have a family and that she would remove her coil and we could plan to start on this journey. I never pressed her for anything and allowed her to make this decision on her own. Fast forward to about 10 weeks ago there was one evening where I feel she she was withholding something from me as she seemed distant and quiet. I asked her what was wrong which she wouldn’t open up about but I politely insisted she could tell me what was upsetting her. All of a sudden in what I deemed a quite aggressive manner she stated she didn’t want kids anymore which blinded and shocked me.
In upset I said this could cause an issue with us in the future as I was blinded, wasn’t sure how to process and felt it was being used this against me as she wouldn’t go into any detail or depth to why she now thinks this way and just ended the conversation with me hurt and wondering what’s going on.
We have had another disagreement shortly after as I broached the subject about moving back to my hometown if my mother ever got unwell and needed to be nearby. My ex said no she wouldn’t move with me which really upset me as I’ve always done everything I can to support her and her family as there is a lot of abuse going on with one of her siblings and partner. At the time I felt this was a big deal as it was outlining to me she wouldn’t support my family and it was all about hers. She wouldn’t go into any detail and would stonewall the conversation which again I fairly angrily said this wasn’t fair and could be an issue in the future as it would be important to me to support my only blood family. Days later she said she felt it wasn’t fair me asking her to do this as she would obviously help support my parent but her sibling has her own problem and we shouldn’t just sell our house to live by my family, despite me doing exactly this for her family.
We moved on from this and have since been on holiday with her family and had a great time with no issues apart from some issues between her mum and her sister. 3 weeks after the holiday my ex started what I see as fabricating issues - calling me needy, clingy and finding faults in me which I’ve felt are from nowhere, don’t exist or have always been a positive throughout our relationship but are now problems. For instance she gets headaches and loves having her head scratched and massaged to relieve them. There was one night where I gently massaged her head and she turned around saying I was needy and to stop it. I will admit recently I’ve been seeing a lot of distant signs from her and other elements where she has acted not so positively with me that would make me slightly anxious. I would say I’m largely secure but understand I can have anxious moments in life but we are all human.
Anytime there’s anything upsetting or turmoil she always says she’s numb from it all. She doesn’t like conflict and arguments and we had one a few weeks ago which lead to us breaking up as I was asking about eventually moving to a bigger house so I could have an office space as I’m working in the living room in a small property but she said she doesn’t know why she can’t give that to me in the future and we want different things in life so ended the relationship. We took 2 weeks of space and then she said she feels the same way and is hardly communicating with me but will send the odd text a day or so before I visit as I have moved back to my parents house but we have pets we share and I wanted to make sure I still saw them weekly. When I see her she acts like everything is fine and also said she would like in the future to invite me to spend time with her brother and his wife as we all got on well. Whenever we text message her never replies if I ask her how she is doing and will only reply once and end the conversation. We’ve gone from seeing and living with each other for 4 years to bare minimal communication all of a sudden.
Some other background information is that
She has been divorced before following a 7 year marriage. She told me they fell out of love and just become friends which lead to the end of the marriage, but also she said there was someone else at her workplace who she was emailing and flirting with and was interested in dating at the time. Her ex husband has never found out about this. The stress and strain of the divorce caused my ex to have a non epileptic seizure.
I vaguely remember throughout previously conversations my ex may have also had an abortion at a young age and at this time her mum stonewalled her which fractured the relationship.
I have noticed the stonewalling could be learnt behaviour as her mum exhibits this behaviour and isn’t supportive emotionally. Her sister has also stonewalled my ex whenever there is something they don’t see eye to eye on and her brother and his wife have gone weeks without speaking to each other after an argument.
I’ve done everything to support her family over the years and following our recent break up I have found out her mum has blocked me on social media which I found extremely odd.
Im really just looking for any advice or insight into if I’ve caused all of these problems with my behaviour or whether my ex has either intentionally or unintentionally looked to sabotage the relationship or cause issues to distance from me and where this may be linked to her attachment style.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 24, 2023 0:30:43 GMT
Im really just looking for any advice or insight into if I’ve caused all of these problems with my behaviour or whether my ex has either intentionally or unintentionally looked to sabotage the relationship or cause issues to distance from me and where this may be linked to her attachment style. These situations are always both. But you didn't "cause" the problems in the way you think. You accepted a situation in which you were with someone who didn't want the same things as you, hoping that she would come around to what you want. That effectively means you abandoned yourself, for some reason. She kept flipping between wanting to come around to what you want in order to get you to stay and putting what she actually wants first, which is part of why she was inconsistent (the rest is because it sounds like she doesn't totally know what she wants, or doesn't consistently communicate it if she does). That's textbook FA people-pleasing and flipping back and forth depending on her feelings in the moment, and can last indefinitely, forever. Ultimately, there's some self-sabotage because there always is in insecure dynamics, and also she was hoping for the same thing as you were: that you would come around to what she wants. You've done a pretty thorough analysis all focused on her, but relationships have 3 parts. 1. You: your issues independent of her, 2. Her: her issues independent of you (her avoidant attachment style and all the other pieces of her trauma you've listed here, which you didn't cause and all existed before you met so you can't fix), and then 3. Us: the two of you in the relationship together (this is really means compatibility and wanting the same things in life and whether or not you both trigger each other with cause, which every anxious-avoidant coupling does as anxious attachers and avoidant attachers have different relationship needs that are at odds). So what's still missing in your post is, what is your own attachment style, why were you tolerating a relationship full of stonewalling and flip-flopping that has been stuck in the same pattern for years, why do you think relationships need to be complicated power struggles, and, most importantly, why were you settling for a relationship in which you both want different things so neither of you are satisfied or happy? I understand you care deeply for her, but she's shown you who she is and what she wants over and over through pushing and pulling and occasionally trying to break up with you, not committing to wanting children, and not opening up for you both to resolve your #3 Us relationship issues once and for all. My personal opinion is trying to get a partner to have kids who is truly ambivalent or doesn't actually want to is a recipe for disaster. Having the kids will put a ton of stress and pressure on the relationship (versus "saving" it through the commitment of co-parenting), and will negatively impact the kids if someone is uncomfortable being a parent and doesn't really want them. There are a lot of people out there who want children and don't need to be "convinced." If someone is telling you it is not the right time for them to have children and it may never be, believe them. She's an adult and can make her own decisions. People who lean anxious tend to look for hope in the inconsistency, like if she's always changing her mind then maybe there's still a chance it'll end up going your way and meeting your needs. This is a form of intermittent reinforcement, and as I already said, can leave you going in circles forever unless you choose to get off the roller coaster merry go round. The summary of all this is, stop focusing on her and all her issues and ask yourself what you want in life and if you honestly do want different things. If so, why were you unable to accept that even though it kept coming up again and again? None of this is intended to be rude or invalidate your connection or how much you cared for each other. It is to point out where the dysfunction was happening on both sides so you can introspect about your own needs and process your own emotions from there. If things stayed the way they were forever, would you even be happy with that relationship? Or did you need her to change for the relationship to fulfill you, so you're focusing on the good things and her potential instead of the reality, in order to keep the connection and attachment going, even if it was hanging from a thread? If so, were there family members earlier in life you had similar dynamics with, that you stuffed your own needs down to keep them around? |
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pb14
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by pb14 on Aug 24, 2023 5:19:58 GMT
Im really just looking for any advice or insight into if I’ve caused all of these problems with my behaviour or whether my ex has either intentionally or unintentionally looked to sabotage the relationship or cause issues to distance from me and where this may be linked to her attachment style. These situations are always both. But you didn't "cause" the problems in the way you think. You accepted a situation in which you were with someone who didn't want the same things as you, hoping that she would come around to what you want. That effectively means you abandoned yourself, for some reason. She kept flipping between wanting to come around to what you want in order to get you to stay and putting what she actually wants first, which is part of why she was inconsistent (the rest is because it sounds like she doesn't totally know what she wants, or doesn't consistently communicate it if she does). That's textbook FA people-pleasing and flipping back and forth depending on her feelings in the moment, and can last indefinitely, forever. Ultimately, there's some self-sabotage because there always is in insecure dynamics, and also she was hoping for the same thing as you were: that you would come around to what she wants. You've done a pretty thorough analysis all focused on her, but relationships have 3 parts. 1. You: your issues independent of her, 2. Her: her issues independent of you (her avoidant attachment style and all the other pieces of her trauma you've listed here, which you didn't cause and all existed before you met so you can't fix), and then 3. Us: the two of you in the relationship together (this is really means compatibility and wanting the same things in life and whether or not you both trigger each other with cause, which every anxious-avoidant coupling does as anxious attachers and avoidant attachers have different relationship needs that are at odds). So what's still missing in your post is, what is your own attachment style, why were you tolerating a relationship full of stonewalling and flip-flopping that has been stuck in the same pattern for years, why do you think relationships need to be complicated power struggles, and, most importantly, why were you settling for a relationship in which you both want different things so neither of you are satisfied or happy? I understand you care deeply for her, but she's shown you who she is and what she wants over and over through pushing and pulling and occasionally trying to break up with you, not committing to wanting children, and not opening up for you both to resolve your #3 Us relationship issues once and for all. My personal opinion is trying to get a partner to have kids who is truly ambivalent or doesn't actually want to is a recipe for disaster. Having the kids will put a ton of stress and pressure on the relationship (versus "saving" it through the commitment of co-parenting), and will negatively impact the kids if someone is uncomfortable being a parent and doesn't really want them. There are a lot of people out there who want children and don't need to be "convinced." If someone is telling you it is not the right time for them to have children and it may never be, believe them. She's an adult and can make her own decisions. People who lean anxious tend to look for hope in the inconsistency, like if she's always changing her mind then maybe there's still a chance it'll end up going your way and meeting your needs. This is a form of intermittent reinforcement, and as I already said, can leave you going in circles forever unless you choose to get off the roller coaster merry go round. The summary of all this is, stop focusing on her and all her issues and ask yourself what you want in life and if you honestly do want different things. If so, why were you unable to accept that even though it kept coming up again and again? None of this is intended to be rude or invalidate your connection or how much you cared for each other. It is to point out where the dysfunction was happening on both sides so you can introspect about your own needs and process your own emotions from there. If things stayed the way they were forever, would you even be happy with that relationship? Or did you need her to change for the relationship to fulfill you, so you're focusing on the good things and her potential instead of the reality, in order to keep the connection and attachment going, even if it was hanging from a thread? If so, were there family members earlier in life you had similar dynamics with, that you stuffed your own needs down to keep them around? Thank you for taking the time and replying to my message. I didn’t want to go even more overload with information as I appreciate I’ve already put a large amount of text into the post hence why I didn’t put so much in about me but I have throughout the years always been looking at both sides of the picture to understanding. I’m also trying to figure life out in general as it can be very complex at times independent of relationships. Having said all this I do know my own faults as a person and impacts on the relationship. I’m generally secure and usually the supporter in relationships but I think the flip flopping and push pull dynamic as eventually caused the anxious side of me and likely a fear of abandonment due to her constant pulling away. What I think I’ve struggled the most with is truly understanding why she keeps pulling away and how often it’s happened during our relationship alongside moving from my hometown just for it to happen again. Naturally this raises my thoughts on if this is a safe position for me hence the anxiousness. In reality if she would communicate openly to me without emotion that she won’t/can’t have kids then that’s something we would process and figure out together as to me they aren’t the ultimate goal in life. What I’ve struggled with it the stonewalling and lack of communication as likely my anxious side has associated it with her trying to leave me again and therefor fear of being abandoned which funnily even has happened, however I appreciate I’ve got a part to play in that. Over the years I’ve tried not to just put up with the stonewalling and try and communicate that I at times need a different approach to communicating an issue therefor I’ve tried to get a better understand. I guess my main reason for the post is to try and get a perspective on her side as I’m very new to attachment theory and really trying to understand others which can allow me to understand myself a lot better and how I then can interact or understand my part in the dynamics rather than assuming my thoughts and actions are the right way to go about things. I think partly the hoping she would come around is because how she kept bringing it up and mentioning about having a family. If there was clear communication I wouldn’t see it as a power struggle and something a relationship would work through together. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 24, 2023 7:46:55 GMT
Naturally this raises my thoughts on if this is a safe position for me hence the anxiousness. To be blunt, no. Someone who spends 4 years pulling away over and over and who won't communicate with you (eventually breaking up with you) is not an emotionally safe person for you to be in a relationship with. That isn't because of your "faults," it is because of her trauma. But there is a difference between an avoidant person temporarily pushing a secure person to be more anxious, and an anxious person sticking around hoping that if they try hard enough to steer the relationship on their own, the other person will eventually pick up the slack and meet them halfway EVEN if that other person never changes or shows any real indication of moving in that direction. You post about wanting her to communicate openly and processing together and you communicating you need her to do something differently in hopes that she will do it. But the issue here is that she just doesn't have the capacity or desire. FA is a set of defense mechanisms that evolve to cope with a scary and unpredictable childhood. An attachment figure, usually a parent, who is necessary to a child's survival, does not meet the child's needs. The child doesn't understand why, or what's going on, or why the person they want to love and need to rely on for food, shelter, etc. is also scary towards them. Eventually, the child blames themselves, can disassociate, push down their own needs and identity to people-please and avoid bad situations that set off the parent -- the person they love is also the person who hurts them if they get too close. So this is what they learn love is, be close but not too close but also don't go too far away (push-pull, hot-cold). PLUS, they have lost connection with themselves in the process, hence an inability to understand their own thoughts, which means they definitely can't communicate them (or don't feel comfortable if they do know their own mind because they were punished for sharing at an earlier point in life). It's not because you did anything specifically wrong to them, it's just how their trauma response manifests in romantic relationships as an adult. You don't outgrow the childhood trauma unless you recondition your nervous system and heal, which is a lot of painful work and true for any insecure attachment style. Most people don't want to do it, they just stay in the same patterns forever, looking to maintain a balance of not too close but not too far and one foot in one foot out, just to maintain some sense of internal calmness. That's what she can offer a partner. That's not the kind of relationship you're describing wanting. You want someone who is willing to communicate and work through issues with you (this is a healthy thing to want). She's right that you don't want the same things. Not every person is wired the same, and it can be extremely difficult to understand that people with a different attachment style from you has different motivations, because you think we're all human and want connection. But trauma shifts that in favor of survival and it doesn't automatically shift back when someone grows into being an adult. This brings you back to why you want so badly to get something out of an emotionally unavailable person who can't give it to you, doesn't want to talk about it, and doesn't want to change. 4 years is a really long time to spend going in circles with someone, even if they have pushed you to feel more anxious. It's not an issue of knowing your "faults" and being critical of yourself, it's looking for the reasons your boundaries aren't serving you and you're willing to abandon yourself to try to hold on to a shadow. You deserve more than that, so the question becomes why don't you believe you deserve more? |
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pb14
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by pb14 on Aug 24, 2023 8:27:34 GMT
Naturally this raises my thoughts on if this is a safe position for me hence the anxiousness. To be blunt, no. Someone who spends 4 years pulling away over and over and who won't communicate with you (eventually breaking up with you) is not an emotionally safe person for you to be in a relationship with. That isn't because of your "faults," it is because of her trauma. But there is a difference between an avoidant person temporarily pushing a secure person to be more anxious, and an anxious person sticking around hoping that if they try hard enough to steer the relationship on their own, the other person will eventually pick up the slack and meet them halfway EVEN if that other person never changes or shows any real indication of moving in that direction. You post about wanting her to communicate openly and processing together and you communicating you need her to do something differently in hopes that she will do it. But the issue here is that she just doesn't have the capacity or desire. FA is a set of defense mechanisms that evolve to cope with a scary and unpredictable childhood. An attachment figure, usually a parent, who is necessary to a child's survival, does not meet the child's needs. The child doesn't understand why, or what's going on, or why the person they want to love and need to rely on for food, shelter, etc. is also scary towards them. Eventually, the child blames themselves, can disassociate, push down their own needs and identity to people-please and avoid bad situations that set off the parent -- the person they love is also the person who hurts them if they get too close. So this is what they learn love is, be close but not too close but also don't go too far away (push-pull, hot-cold). PLUS, they have lost connection with themselves in the process, hence an inability to understand their own thoughts, which means they definitely can't communicate them (or don't feel comfortable if they do know their own mind because they were punished for sharing at an earlier point in life). It's not because you did anything specifically wrong to them, it's just how their trauma response manifests in romantic relationships as an adult. You don't outgrow the childhood trauma unless you recondition your nervous system and heal, which is a lot of painful work and true for any insecure attachment style. Most people don't want to do it, they just stay in the same patterns forever, looking to maintain a balance of not too close but not too far and one foot in one foot out, just to maintain some sense of internal calmness. That's what she can offer a partner. That's not the kind of relationship you're describing wanting. You want someone who is willing to communicate and work through issues with you (this is a healthy thing to want). She's right that you don't want the same things. Not every person is wired the same, and it can be extremely difficult to understand that people with a different attachment style from you has different motivations, because you think we're all human and want connection. But trauma shifts that in favor of survival and it doesn't automatically shift back when someone grows into being an adult. This brings you back to why you want so badly to get something out of an emotionally unavailable person who can't give it to you, doesn't want to talk about it, and doesn't want to change. 4 years is a really long time to spend going in circles with someone, even if they have pushed you to feel more anxious. It's not an issue of knowing your "faults" and being critical of yourself, it's looking for the reasons your boundaries aren't serving you and you're willing to abandon yourself to try to hold on to a shadow. You deserve more than that, so the question becomes why don't you believe you deserve more? Thank you for being direct and being able to explain what I have been thinking for a good while. I know I deserve better and I know deep down she feels I deserve better as well. We’ve had some really great times together over the years despite the push pull dynamics and there are many times where she does communicate well so I feel I’ve always seen that really good side to her but known she has things going on which I’ve never judged her on. I feel I’ve misunderstood her for a long time and can see where she has really tried in different ways to try for the good of us, but I’ve also seen the times where the distancing and avoiding is present. So whilst I’m not sure I feel safe that it’s a meet half way, I was confident there were moments where she would work towards that. So I have definitely seen and experienced her being emotionally available with me, I think the trauma of her dog passing away has had a massive impact which I lived through and saw first hand. I guess it is confusing to me how we can have gone through some really good experiences recently which defiantly brought her and us closer together, to then seemingly be an afterthought all of a sudden. We own a property together which I temporarily moved out of to provide us some space and time to reflect. As I’ve previously mentioned we share pets which I visit a few times a week and I’ve noticed she has started moving everything around the house and removed memories, treating it like it’s only her home now. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 25, 2023 3:22:57 GMT
To be blunt, no. Someone who spends 4 years pulling away over and over and who won't communicate with you (eventually breaking up with you) is not an emotionally safe person for you to be in a relationship with. That isn't because of your "faults," it is because of her trauma. But there is a difference between an avoidant person temporarily pushing a secure person to be more anxious, and an anxious person sticking around hoping that if they try hard enough to steer the relationship on their own, the other person will eventually pick up the slack and meet them halfway EVEN if that other person never changes or shows any real indication of moving in that direction. You post about wanting her to communicate openly and processing together and you communicating you need her to do something differently in hopes that she will do it. But the issue here is that she just doesn't have the capacity or desire. FA is a set of defense mechanisms that evolve to cope with a scary and unpredictable childhood. An attachment figure, usually a parent, who is necessary to a child's survival, does not meet the child's needs. The child doesn't understand why, or what's going on, or why the person they want to love and need to rely on for food, shelter, etc. is also scary towards them. Eventually, the child blames themselves, can disassociate, push down their own needs and identity to people-please and avoid bad situations that set off the parent -- the person they love is also the person who hurts them if they get too close. So this is what they learn love is, be close but not too close but also don't go too far away (push-pull, hot-cold). PLUS, they have lost connection with themselves in the process, hence an inability to understand their own thoughts, which means they definitely can't communicate them (or don't feel comfortable if they do know their own mind because they were punished for sharing at an earlier point in life). It's not because you did anything specifically wrong to them, it's just how their trauma response manifests in romantic relationships as an adult. You don't outgrow the childhood trauma unless you recondition your nervous system and heal, which is a lot of painful work and true for any insecure attachment style. Most people don't want to do it, they just stay in the same patterns forever, looking to maintain a balance of not too close but not too far and one foot in one foot out, just to maintain some sense of internal calmness. That's what she can offer a partner. That's not the kind of relationship you're describing wanting. You want someone who is willing to communicate and work through issues with you (this is a healthy thing to want). She's right that you don't want the same things. Not every person is wired the same, and it can be extremely difficult to understand that people with a different attachment style from you has different motivations, because you think we're all human and want connection. But trauma shifts that in favor of survival and it doesn't automatically shift back when someone grows into being an adult. This brings you back to why you want so badly to get something out of an emotionally unavailable person who can't give it to you, doesn't want to talk about it, and doesn't want to change. 4 years is a really long time to spend going in circles with someone, even if they have pushed you to feel more anxious. It's not an issue of knowing your "faults" and being critical of yourself, it's looking for the reasons your boundaries aren't serving you and you're willing to abandon yourself to try to hold on to a shadow. You deserve more than that, so the question becomes why don't you believe you deserve more? Thank you for being direct and being able to explain what I have been thinking for a good while. I know I deserve better and I know deep down she feels I deserve better as well. We’ve had some really great times together over the years despite the push pull dynamics and there are many times where she does communicate well so I feel I’ve always seen that really good side to her but known she has things going on which I’ve never judged her on. I feel I’ve misunderstood her for a long time and can see where she has really tried in different ways to try for the good of us, but I’ve also seen the times where the distancing and avoiding is present. So whilst I’m not sure I feel safe that it’s a meet half way, I was confident there were moments where she would work towards that. So I have definitely seen and experienced her being emotionally available with me, I think the trauma of her dog passing away has had a massive impact which I lived through and saw first hand. I guess it is confusing to me how we can have gone through some really good experiences recently which defiantly brought her and us closer together, to then seemingly be an afterthought all of a sudden. We own a property together which I temporarily moved out of to provide us some space and time to reflect. As I’ve previously mentioned we share pets which I visit a few times a week and I’ve noticed she has started moving everything around the house and removed memories, treating it like it’s only her home now. Honestly….as someone with FA…we can have very good days….but it isn’t a sign of growing closer…it just is a very good day. A sign of growing closer would look like her deciding to address her trauma in therapy (on her own accord) and then using her new insights to work with you. Many AP members desperately want to read good moments or days like tea leaves that point to some improvement…when in all actuality nothing has changed internally….and thus it appears “confusing” but is simply a “pattern” that repeats over and over and over again. The sooner you accept this….the quicker you can start to move forward addressing your own issues and finding someone more compatible. |
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